Dear Adelyn...

Dear Adelyn,

It's me, mommy. I know you've been missing me for quite some time now. I was lost for a long time, but I think I've found my way back. I wanted to write you a letter to explain to you what happened, and how much I've loved you along the way.

We were so excited when we found out you were coming. I would sit in the bath at night, and in the silence I would talk to you. I would tell you how thrilled I was that you were growing in my belly. I would tell you how loved you were and how your daddy would talk about all the family things that we would do once you were born. I would whisper "I love you" at night before bed.

You surprised us and made your entrance into this world 4 weeks early. I was shocked! Your birth was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Seeing you for the first time, and hearing, "it's a girl!" was the most beautiful thing. Daddy and I cried at the sound of your first cry. You had to be brought to the NICU because you were so early...we thanked God for carrying you through, and allowing you to be so healthy despite the early arrival.

Then it started. Something inside me was changing...retreating. I was losing myself to some sort of darkness. Even this sight of your sweet little face couldn't keep the light in my life. I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring if I slept. And it wasn't just because you were crying, it was because I was so anxious about WHEN you would cry...every minute of every day. I thought I was normal. I thought this was par for the course.

Then I started crying. Everyday. I was reaching the point of despair. Then, one day when you were about 6 weeks old, I lost it. I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I was at your Oma's and I couldn't even think about how to drive myself home. I felt paralyzed. I ended up at the hospital, and this is where our family's nightmare began.

It's hard to hear, but mommy wanted to die. I cut my arms because I was so distraught and dreamed about killing myself. You kept me alive. Although I didn't feel the "right" love for you, something was there that kept me from taking those pills, or tying that rope around my neck. Deep down, I loved you and I knew you needed a mommy in this world. Thank-you for loving me unconditionally, even when I couldn't do the same.

This past year and a half has been terrible, but you have survived beautifully. You are an amazing little girl, and I am SO blessed to have you in my life. Mommy's coming back, and my love for you is growing more and more each day. I marvel at your intelligence, at your loving spirit. You are a beautiful human being; a human being that I created. I look forward to all your firsts - and I hope to experience them from a healthy state of mind. I love you, Adelyn. You are my everything. Please don't stop loving me, even when I have my bad days. Please don't stop giving me sloppy kisses and spontaneous hugs. Please realize that mommy isn't perfect, but she loves you regardless of her struggles.

Thank-you again, sweet Adelyn. Thank-you.

ECT and Me

I was an amazing success story; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, how well ECT worked for me. So why do I find myself back on the list for maintenance treatments? Some people might be shocked, thinking I was doing so well, so why again? Well, several reasons.

First of all, Greg thinks (and I totally respect his opinion) that I'm not "better" yet. I still have extreme anxiety, I still get overly irritable with my family...like I said below, these are my "warning signs" that something is brewing. To you, getting a little irritable is associated with a bad day, for me, it is associated with a major depressive episode. Greg has encouraged me to pursue maintenance ECT, in order to further salvage our family. One day, I will have to go without Brittany; one day, it will just be the three of us again. And right now, I don't think I can handle that. Maybe the ECT will help...?

Now, the following might sound crazy (but really, look who it's coming from)...I also want the ECT so that I can (eventually) wean off my meds. I don't want to take all these medications for the rest of my life. Insert second crazy statement here: I might want to get pregnant again one day. And ECT may assist me in being able to create a welcoming environment for the fetus (one that won't poison it with meds). Also, you can get ECT while pregnant, so going on maintenance will keep me "in the system" in the even that I do get pregnant and need more treatments. Additionally, I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of taking meds that make my metabolism as slow as a slug. I want my body back, as vain as that may sound. Coming off the meds would give that back to me.

I feel like I need to comment on the whole pregnancy thing (since there may be more than a few people going "what?!"). I want another child...whether that be through adoption or biologically. I have looked into adoption and came to the conclusion that it is just too expensive (or extensive). Which brought me to realize that doing this the natural way might just be more affordable. But can I afford to go through this again? No. I can't do that to Adelyn, or the new baby. So what am I planning on doing about that? I want to start to wean off my meds sometime in the future, and see how ECT will work on its own. IF the ECT can work in conjunction with fewer meds, at that time I would CONSIDER getting pregnant because I would know that I could continue with the ECT during the pregnancy and afterwards. Sort of like a guarantee on my mental health. But like I said, this is only if things work out like I plan...and, we all know, that things rarely work out like we want them to.

Now for some good news...I have been feeling better these past few days (after the holidays). I figured that things would go back to "normal" after Christmas was over. I've even spent some time alone (shhhhh) with Adelyn and it has gone very well. I feel comfortable with her, although my motivation is lacking in terms of wanting to go out and actually DO things. I mostly feel like staying in and playing with her. Is that odd? Do other mothers feel the same? Do you have days where your motivation goes out the window?

I have another random thought...(thanks to Angie for inspiring this comment) - I watched my sister in law with her 9 week old baby over the holidays. I watched her like a hawk because I found her behaviour so interesting. Her baby is not the most quiet; he has reflux and fusses often. But yet, as he was fussing, she looked at him so lovingly and whispered "I love you" in his ear. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, because I just couldn't understand. How can you love a baby when he cries? Honestly, that's how I feel. How do you have that look in your eye, that shows to everyone that you're head-over-heels for this little person? She has something I have never had, and that makes me sad. Although I know I love Adelyn, I feel like it is conditional still. If she cries and hits me, I feel like I've had enough...I'm done with all this. It doesn't make me ooze love for her - maybe that's weird?

I think watching my sister in law made me realize just how much I've missed out on - Adelyn's entire infancy. I WANT that love that she has - that unconditional, unwavering, love. I want that look to be in MY eye. Maybe that's why I want to have another one...hoping and praying that I might be able to ENJOY my infant son/daughter...to be able to feel that head-over-heels kind of love at first sight. Maybe one day...

The Holiday Grind

So I've almost made it. I've almost made it through the holidays in one piece. I'm on the last day of family festivities, then it's back to normal. Some people (like my husband) are extremely sad to see them go. I used to be like that. I used to enjoy the holidays. So what happened? Post partum depression happened. Now Christmas presents its own kind of hell for me. Harsh words, but in my heart of hearts, I know it's true.

First of all, Christmas means that I'm going it without my nanny...a scary proposition considering I am used to having her 24/7.Yes, I have Greg (who is very helpful), but Brittany just can't be replaced. So that's one major upset for me. Secondly, my routines are all shot to you-know-what. Now it's go here, go there, nap here, nap there, dinner here, lunch there. It's enough to send me over the edge. I cannot handle changes to my routine...I have just become accustomed to living life one way, and now things are thrown all over the place. Lastly, (well, maybe not the LAST thing), there are the expectations. Christmas is SUPPOSED to be like this or that...you're SUPPOSED to be happy, to enjoy time with family. You're SUPPOSED to be at mom's this time, and the in-laws at this time...you're SUPPOSED to buy gifts for this niece, and that nephew....the list goes on. The expectations are endless. I cannot handle the pressure of disappointing people during this time.

I was doing so well. I went from having "9" days to "7.5" days. A big drop for me. I don't feel like doing anything. I know I have overdone it. I can't play with Adelyn...I just want to sit here like a bump on a log. I've lost that zest that I had before the holidays began. Now how do I get it back? Am I on the road to depression again? My doctor told me to be highly aware of my state of mind since the ECT - to be aware of my "warning signs". One of my big warning signs is anxiety, and I have been over the edge these past few days. But why? I have no idea.

So here I sit, fighting it. What is "it"? "It" is the darkness that I feel creeping in. Inch by inch I feel it taking over. One thought here, another thought there...the light is trying to hang on, but I'm afraid that one more day like this will be the end; the darkness will be imminent. I'm praying that God will allow me to fight back as hard as I can, for my regained life. I haven't come this far just to let the holidays ruin my progress. And so I continue the fight...just one more day, one more day...

Facing the FACS

I thought it would be about time to update everyone as to what is happening with the custody issue and whatnot. We have been through hell with FACS and the whole thing just seems like one big nightmare. To go back a few weeks, Adelyn was seized from our home abruptly after I had voiced some thoughts that I was having about hurting her. I NEVER had intentions of hurting her, these were just intrusive thoughts. Adelyn was ordered to stay at my in-laws, and I was not to be around her unless there were TWO other adults in the room. Extreme, isn't it?

Fast forward to today, and Adelyn is still at my in-laws with Brittany (nanny). I received a call a few days ago from my FACS worker stating that Adelyn was NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to come home. I was crushed by this, since I have been feeling so much better, and actually WANT to take care of her now. I panicked and called my doctor to see if she could call and speak to FACS. Well, I have an amazing psychiatrist (Dr. Asti), and she called them right away. Later on, I received another call from FACS stating that they had talked to Dr. Asti and were very encouraged by what they heard, and that we could possibly arrange alternative plans for Adelyn's care.

The meeting was set for 2pm today. Debi (FACS worker) showed up and completed her 30-day assessment on Adelyn. Then it was our turn. We came prepared to fight. Debi informed us that the Family Group Conference that we were supposed to have on the 21st (I canceled it), was meant to provide a long term plan of where Adelyn was to live, and that she was going to be removed from our home permanently. I was shocked by this, I had no idea that's what that meeting was about. I can't believe that I was in the position of having my own daughter taken from me. It was devastating.

After we got that horrible news, Debi followed up by telling us that she received great information from Dr. Asti, and ONLY because of that reason, FACS will allow Adelyn to re-integrate into our home. At this point I was counting my blessings. I am so lucky to have such an amazing doctor. Then the next question: who is caring for Adelyn now? Well, she felt it was too much to have Adelyn return home right now, so I am allowed to be with her with one other person (instead of two), and we are allowed to spend the days at our house. No overnights right now. We are to do this for a week, then we will re-assess. It is our hope and prayer that this week will go well, and that Adelyn will be able to spend the Christmas weekend in her own home.

So there it is, our struggle with FACS. I'm frustrated because I feel like no one is listening to me. I AM feeling better, truly I am. Why is that so hard for some people to believe? I am a different person now, and I am ready to take on the challenge of parenting, but no one is willing to give me that chance. How incredibly discouraging. I guess I've ruined my own credibility along the road of my sickness. I am saddened by some of the bridges I've burned throughout this process- and if you're reading this, you know who you are. I became a different person when I was depressed- a negative, critical, awful person. Now I feel I have changed. I now longer compare, but I accept. I accept Adelyn for who she is, I don't need to compare her to little Suzie next door. I don't need to compare myself, I am completely loved and supported just for who I am. I have nothing to prove.

It is my hope that I can mend some of the relationships that I've tainted by my sickness. I hope that those people will have open hearts and will listen to what I have to say. I hope that FACS will recognize the changes I have made, and allow me to parent my daughter in the best way I know how. I hope that everyone will continue to tell me I look "brighter" and that I "laugh more". I hope that people will continue to look at me with those knowing eyes - those eyes that can see how far I have truly come in just the past month. I am different, of that there is no doubt.

As always, I would like to thank everyone for supporting Greg and I through this struggle - not only with FACS, but through this entire illness. Specifically I would like to thank Kris, Brigitte, Brittany and both sets of parents. You all have been so supportive it is unbelievable. To anyone I missed, I am sorry, and please know that I appreciate every single one of you. Thank-you.

What is Normal?

So what is normal anyways? I'm having a hard time trying to determine what is normal for me, and what isn't. Every day I rate my moods, and I think "is this normal?" "Do I feel the way I did when I was 'normal'?" Everything revolves around this sense of normalcy that I may or may not have. I scrutinize everything; I was at Greg's work party yesterday, and I started to get bored and wanted to leave - is that because I am depressed, or was that "normal" Amanda? One part of me wants to say that I am acting how I was before I was depressed, but the other part of me believes that I am heading down the wrong road again.

Every part of my day is assessed as "normal" or "depressive" in my brain. It's either one or the other. There is no in between. Is that realistic? I don't think so. There ARE gray areas in life, I know that. So why can't I really truly believe that I am allowed to have "off" days, and "off" moments? Why can't I let myself be human? To let myself FEEL? I'm so afraid of feeling...feeling means having to feel depressed and having to feel like life is not worth living. I would rather feel nothing at all than feel like that.

I am at a good point in my recovery; I THINK I am doing well, and other people tell me that I've come a long way. And for that I am entirely grateful. However, this one piece remains that I cannot seem to fix. How do I come to grips with reality? Do I compare to others? Do I dare go down that route of infinite comparisons for the rest of my life? I've compared myself enough, I don't need another reason to do so.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in this post, maybe just to express my frustration with achieving some normalcy. How do I know when I've recovered? That's the biggest question I have. How do I know when I am "stable"? If anyone can answer that for me, I would be eternally grateful.

I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for their kind words in the past few weeks. Hearing you say that I have become happier, kinder, gentler, really truly helps me to believe that I am attaining something- some level of happiness. Every single positive statement I receive makes me stronger, and I want all of you to know how much your words mean to me. Thank-you.

Power of our Light

"Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." - B. Brown

Thanks to Kelly Larmour for giving me this powerful quote. As soon as she read it to me, it just jumped out at me, it resonated with some place deep in my soul. If I have done anything in this whole experience, it is embrace my vulnerabilities. I have owned my struggle in hopes that somehow, some way, people will draw strength from this. Through exploring my darkness I have discovered a light in mankind that is so bright, only God can compare. I have been touched deeply by the light of others, and I want everyone to know how truly thankful I am now, and will always be.

I am so very happy to report to you all that I am still going strong (praise the Lord),and that my last of my ECT series was today. The doctor wanted to stop early because I was feeling so well. From here, I will have scheduled maintenance treatments periodically to ensure that I stay where I am at now.

I am at such a great place now- I have realized how deeply I love and cherish my daughter, and what a blessing she really is. I have learned how to play with her and show her I love her. I have learned that taking care of a child really IS possible, and it won't in fact kill me (that is only partially sarcastic). Sometimes I stare in awe of Adelyn now...relishing in the fact that she is mine, and that I have the privilege of raising her. She is doing so many amazing things lately, and I love every minute of joy she brings me.

I never ever thought I would be writing this. I thought surely this postpartum was going to kill me. I didn't see any light at all, no way out. I feel that my story is a testament to the fact that God does heal, and no matter how dark your future seems, there is always hope, there is always light. I hope whoever is reading this will be encouraged in your own daily struggles, knowing that anything is possible.

Now am I home free? Hardly. I still have a LOT of work to do on myself; a lot of soul-searching to do. I will be on a slew of medications for (probably) years before I will even consider reducing. The threat of relapse is very real, and I will be spending my days chasing away the demons that will threaten to take me over yet again. I will continue to blog my journey, as it is not nearly over. I hope that you all will continue to follow me and to provide me a source of strength and encouragement along the way. Your support has been invaluable and I will never forget it. Thank-you again.

What is Love?

What does the love of a mother look like? What does it feel like? These are two questions that I could not have answered two weeks ago. But now, I am amazed that I am able to sit here and tell you what I have discovered about the love of a mother to her child, and fully absorb that I am talking about MYSELF - not some ideal that I am striving for.

I started to notice things slowly...like I wanted to be around Adelyn more, I wanted to get to Braun's every free second I had. I also started longing for her...staring at pictures and trying not to get upset. I started getting choked up at TV shows/commercials that showed parents and children. I almost find it hard to put into words the way that I love her now compared to a few weeks ago. I never pined for her before...I could take her or leave her. Don't get me wrong, I thought she was cute, but that was about it. Now the sight of her melts my heart - when she says "ya-ya" (which is I Love You), I am so happy I want to cry. When she looks at me with those pretty blue eyes all I want to do is get lost in them; spend all day in them. I want to be around her all the time - I want to absorb all this love that I've been missing for the past 18 months.

Am I afraid that this isn't the real deal? Most definitely. How do I know that this is going to last? I don't. I spoke to my doctor yesterday (the one from Hamilton) and he suggested to stop ECT because I was feeling better...but I asked for at least two more because I am afraid of going backwards. He agreed; so I have one Tuesday and Thursday next week. After that I will probably be doing maintenance treatments for a while.

I'm really excited for where I am right now, but also very afraid. This could all end in a minute - my love could wane again and I could be left depressed and with nothing. That really scares the crap out of me. I guess I just have to believe that this time God will protect me from this evil that has tried to overcome me, and that He will allow me to continue to get better and better; for my family's sake.

It is very hard to describe the new love that I feel in my heart- but if you've ever loved someone unconditionally, you know what I'm talking about. If you are lucky enough to have this love, please, don't waste it; don't take it for granted. It could all be gone in a minute. I know the joy of having lost all emotion only to get it back tenfold, but I would hate to see someone who already has this joy to lose it without knowing. Love is a gift from God, cherish it.

A Shocking Difference

Today was my 7th electric shock treatment...and I thought I would take this opportunity (if even for myself) to do some comparisons between when I started, until now.

For the first 5 treatments, I was convinced that this wouldn't work (because I never felt anything afterwards). The nurses and doctors kept telling me to hang in there, that I needed to give it time. Well, the last thing you want to do is wait when you have a depression as severe as mine. I felt like each second that ticked by was one second closer to my suicide. I couldn't live like that anymore.

Then something happened. I felt joy in my chest. I laughed. I felt all around "lighter". It wasn't black and white, but there was definitely a change in me that I noticed. This happened approx after my 6th treatment. I showed up to get my treatment this morning, and the nurse looked at me right away and said "Are you feeling better?", with a smile on her face. She knew right away. I asked if it was that obvious and she said yes, she sees this all the time. I was SO excited that she noticed something changed in me, what an amazing moment for me. I asked her if she knew this would happen and she just shook her head "yes" and gave a little-knowing-laugh.

I can't describe the feeling of optimism I have now- I'm excited to get up to go to each treatment because I feel a renewed sense of hope that this might actually work out for me.

Therapy of Another Kind

Everything has therapeutic value. Everything. Especially when you're faced with a situation where your whole life has been turned upside down and you have to take everything you can get. A recreation therapist by trade, you would think that I would have stumbled across this truth sooner. You think I would have realized how important leisure was in order to get better. That just goes to show how undervalued leisure pursuits are - especially since a rec. therapist didn't even buy into their value.

I am ashamed to admit that I fell into this trap of thinking that recreation was unimportant in my recovery. I received a good slap in the face by that truth this weekend. Having been an avid rider in my younger years, I really yearn for that connection between horse and rider. I had taken two years off of riding because I had gotten pregnant, then everything else happened after I had Adelyn. I missed riding but I knew that I couldn't afford it right now (it's not cheap!). I knew it could probably help me, but I just didn't know where to find the money.

I think people started to realize that I was not getting better on my own. Medications weren't working...therapy wasn't working...shock treatments were not working. It was time to get creative. That's when I was offered the amazing opportunity to ride at the barn where I was before I had Adelyn. I was told that I didn't have to pay - I could ride, no string attached. I can't even tell you how happy this made me. I felt like this was the ticket to getting better and I had just been given a new lease on life. Well I went out this weekend to ride, and it was amazing. The therapeutic value of being on horseback cannot be described. There is just something between horse and rider that is a spiritual connection that cannot be recreated any other way. I was on a high.

After my ride I knew that something was different. Something had changed in me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I felt connected to something that I had missed for two years. I felt like I had returned to my niche. I can't even being to thank Chrissy Bertrand for allowing me this amazing opportunity to find myself again. I feel like I do not deserve this AT ALL, and have to learn to get over this guilt that I feel over taking her up on her offer. I believe that riding might be my ticket- not medication, not shock treatments, not talk therapy. But horses. Could it be?

Although I can barely walk this morning from the muscle soreness, I find myself thinking about when the next time I can go to the barn is. My medicine is in that blue building off of Brady Street. I feel like I have a new lease on life; one that actually shows promise of change and promise of reform. Maybe I could actually feel better..? Maybe I can actually BE a parent to my daughter..?

Which brings me to the point in the post where I should update everyone as to what is going on. FACS has still taken charge of Adelyn and she is not allowed in our presence unless there are two adults around. She has spent the weekend with my mom and sister; the pictures of her weekend just melt my heart. I'm finding myself missing her, which I never did before. I'm finding my heart aching for her, which I have never felt before. Is it because she has been taken from me? Is it because something inside me is changing?

I find myself getting excited for Christmas; for buying Adelyn gifts and having her open them on Christmas morning. This is the FIRST time that I have seem Adelyn as a little PERSON, not just a baby that needs to be taken care of. It's hard to describe, but it's such a huge shift in how I view her, and view my role in taking care of her. I see her as a a real person that has feelings and desires; a real person that has the capacity to truly enjoy the holidays and everything that comes with it. I'm finding myself being able to see Christmas through the eyes of a child.

So here I sit; alone, by my Christmas tree. I miss my daughter and I wish that I was spending time with her right now. I have to have faith that somehow, God will allow her to be returned to us. I have to believe that God will have mercy on our family and allow us to experience the joy of being together this holiday season and for the months and years to come. I have suffered enough...it is time to get over this.

Thank-you again to all of you for reading, and for your support...I know I say it all the time, but I truly want you all to know how thankful I am. Without the moral support of all of you, I may not still be here. There have been many times where I wanted to end my life (and have come dangerously close), but I stopped because I realized how many people were rooting for me and wanted me to get better. I feel lifted up by all of you - you are carrying me through. Please know how much I appreciate every single kind word/email/FB post.

-Amanda

Rock Bottom...?

I think I've hit it.I think I've hit rock bottom. There is no where to go from here. Adelyn has been taken from our home and I have been deemed unfit to take care of her. I knew this was coming...I knew when this illness started that this was coming, I just didn't know when.

I want to try and bring everyone up to speed, while also respecting Greg's wishes for me not to share all of our personal information on the internet. I will try to walk that fine line in this post. I should also say that, because of the ECT, my recollection of events is poor to say the least, so bare with me.

I don't even know where to start- I guess I will just start typing and hope that something makes some sense. Things have been going downhill for quite some time;I have been in and out of the Emergency Room, on and off my medications. I have even resorted to such drastic treatments as ECT. Nothing has helped this far and things have just escalated with Adelyn and my feelings. Now the most recent development is that Adelyn is not allowed in our home for AT LEAST 30 days, probably much longer. I am not allowed to see her unless there are TWO other adults in the room. That's right, not one but TWO. I think that is a bit extreme. They really feel as though I am capable of killing her. I made it quite clear in the meeting with FACS, that if anyone was going to die, it was going to be me.

So here I sit, alone, while Adelyn is at my in-laws with Brittany. Not exactly how I would have planned the first 18 months of Adelyn's life. I miss her, but yet I don't at the same time. There is so much pain there, that without her around, I have a break from it for a while. It's a double-edged sword for sure.

I can't help but believe that this world would be so much better off without me. I have never felt so close to killing myself as I have in these past days. I just feel like I've reached the end of the line; there is no where to go from here. ECT isn't working...medications has failed me...therapy does nothing....I really have nothing left. The only thing that is keeping me going is Greg and Adelyn. I don't want to leave them without a wife and mother. That would be incredibly selfish of me. Although I have thoughts of harming her, I love Adelyn deeply and I only want the best for her in her life. And that includes having a mother figure.

I find myself turning to God right now, and asking why. Why Lord have you made me suffer for this long? Why, Lord, have you put my family through this hardship? Maybe I will never know the answers-and that has to be okay with me. I know God knows what He's doing, even though it may not make perfect sense to me right now. I just pray that he will continue to hold me up and keep me alive to see my daughter grow up. A happy, healthy Adelyn, that's all I want. Please Lord, please allow me to be there for her.

As an aside, my treatments have been going all right - I have felt no improvement and I've had 6 treatments in total. I was told that if you don't feel anything by 6, usually you don't. But today the doctor told me that I have to stay the course, and that some people dramatically improve in the last few weeks. All I can do is hope and pray that he is right.

Thank-you to all of you who continue to hold me up in prayer, and to express your concern. I appreciate it more than you know. To have a community behind you when you're facing such a terrible struggle is invaluable. I know I wouldn't have the strength to continue if it weren't for your prayers and support. Please continue to ask questions, I am always happy to answer (because I believe it will help others along the way). God bless you all.

Hitting a New Low

I have to be careful what I say here...so please forgive me if I seem vague in some areas. Family and Children's Services have been tracking my Facebook account, and have been reading my status updates pertaining to Adelyn and this whole case. I am writing this blog entry to clear up some confusion about what has happened, and also to say that (upon the request of my husband) I will no longer be sharing pertinent details of my case on the internet. I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I hope that I will continue to have you as readers, regardless of the absence of very personal life details.

First of all, my treatments have been going well - however, I have seen no change except for the memory loss (which is pretty severe).I cannot remember what I said 10 minutes ago, let alone information regarding life details like passwords, etc, etc. I usually have a KILLER headache when I get out of treatment, and this lasts about an hour afterwards. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and told him that I have seen little to no improvement in my depressive symptoms. He said we will give it one more week (so, two more treatments) before we would jump to any conclusions. So I'm just praying with all my might that these next two treatments will be the ticket, or else all this memory loss will be in vain.

As for everything else that is going on in my life...it is a big mess. I have to be careful what details I share because it has been brought to my attention that FACS has been tracking my Facebook, and potentially this blog. I have promised Greg that I would no longer share personal details on here, in order to protect our family (even though this blog is now private). I will try to bring you up to speed as much as possible.

To make a long story short, Adelyn has been removed from our home. She is no longer allowed to stay with me, even with one other person present. There has to be two adults to supervise me with her. This came as a complete shock - and was a result of our case file being "reviewed" whatever that means. A FACS worker just showed up here and said that Adelyn needed to be removed and she wasn't leaving until that happened. Again, long story short, Adelyn ended up at my neighbour's house. We are so very blessed and thankful for such wonderful neighbours...ones that have essentially saved our behinds and have allowed us to continue to be a part of our daughter's life.

My nanny, Brittany, is continuing to stay with Adelyn over at Kelly's, so that Kelly can continue living her normal daily life without worrying about Adelyn's care. The downfall to that is that I cannot be over there unless there is another person (besides Brittany) there. Apparently I am super dangerous, can't ya tell?? This whole thing seems bizarre to me,but I have to follow orders or else this could all get a lot worse.

Like I said though, I have to respect Greg's wishes and no longer talk about what is going on with Adelyn. I will try to update as much as I am allowed to, but please forgive me for the information gaps(which there will definitely be). For now, Adelyn is staying at my neighbour's for an extended period of time, but we hope to have her home soon. We will do whatever it takes to get her back and to prevent this from going any further than it has.

So, how am I feeling you might ask? I am in shock that all this has happened to ME...I didn't sign up for this when I got pregnant - who does? I have a hard time believing that this is my life right now...I have had my daughter removed from my own home because I am so "dangerous". I don't think anyone would have pegged me as such. If anything, I'm a danger to myself...but not to Adelyn or anyone else. I am discouraged about my ECT, and I feel like it is not going to work. NOTHING is going to work! Here I am, 18 months after giving birth, and I still cannot even care for my own child. What a crock. As I write this I'm just getting more and more pissed off that this is my life.

As I said above, it has been requested that I leave out pertinent details of my case so that they cannot be tracked back to me. I hope that everyone understands my situation (or can at least try). I am free to discuss any of this over instant messaging/Facebook/email, so please don't hesitate to contact me via these sources. If this blog has given me anything it is a sense of overwhelming support, and the thought of losing that makes me incredibly sad. Please send emails to: amanda_braun1@yahoo.ca

Now, one positive things HAS happened amongst all this turmoil and I would like to highlight that now. I know this seems like this doesn't have a place in this post, but I would like to bring attention to my new business; something that is giving me purpose and drive to succeed. I have created a new business called "BARE by Braun", and it is a body sugaring business that I am running out of my home. I have a whole area set up with a table/products/etc in my bedroom (I have a HUGE bedroom). Amidst everything this has been a shining star in my life - I am so excited to start out (first real customer today), and to build this business from the ground up. If you live in the area please consider giving me a try - the rest of November and December are FREE as I build my clientele, so please shoot me an email if you haven't already booked your free appointment! Thanks everyone for letting me share some positive information on my blog, and I hope that as the weeks go by, I will have more and more positive things to say.

Thank-you to EVERYONE for reading...your support has been overwhelming. Please please please continue to get in contact with me via email or Facebook...I need this contact with the "outside world" and to know that there are people out there that are rooting for me. It gives me strength to face my days. Truly.

Love you all.
Amanda

Dazed and Confused...?

So I've made it through alive. 12 hours since my treatment and I'm here to talk about it. I didn't know what to expect when I arrived, but I will talk you through it now, to fill everyone in.

I woke up at 4:30 am...yikes. Didn't get much sleep last night - I'm not allowed to take my sleeping pill because of ECT, and I was too nervous to sleep. At 5 am I got picked up by Wendy (the church volunteer who is driving me). We stopped to pick up my mom, then headed over to St. Joseph's for 6:00 am.

When you arrive they assign you a stretcher (they are all lined up against the wall), and start an IV on you. You wait there until they are ready, then the porters take you down to a different floor (not sure the name..?), where there is a row of bays (just little stations) separated by curtains. I was put in the first one this time, because I was new and they didn't know how I would take to it.

They put electrodes all over your body, to monitor your seizure activity. Then they rub your forehead down with alcohol, to prep for the pads to be put on your temples. Everything is hooked up to the machine, the pads are placed on your temples, and the anesthetist injects something that really burns into your IV (I think it was the muscle relaxant?). After that, I fell asleep.

I woke up, thinking that I had somehow "missed" my treatment. There was no way it was over. I felt as though I had just closed my eyes for a single moment, but yet 10 minutes had passed. It was a very strange feelings, very surreal. My mom was standing there and told me what had happened. She told me that I had seizured for 2 minutes, which was very good in terms of ECT. Everything went off without a hitch, and I responded very well.

The first thing I noticed physically when I woke up was how much my jaw hurt - it felt as though I had clenched it for 12 hours straight and finally released. Quite painful. Other than that I did not have any other physical symptoms...no fatigue, no headache, nothing. I also had very little memory loss - I had a hard time remembering what took place yesterday, but once I thought hard enough about it, it all came back. I was shocked (pun intended) at how "normal" I felt afterwards, but also a little discouraged. In my books, if you don't feel any side effects from the treatments, than it must not be working. I know this isn't true, but I can't seem to believe in anything else. Any encouragement in this area would be appreciated!

So there it is...ECT in a nutshell. Overall I feel like it was a successful first go-round, and I look forward to some real results over the next 6 weeks. They say that it takes about 6 treatments (so, 3 weeks) to notice any changes. So I'm trying to hold onto that ray of hope...that just because I wasn't miraculously healed today, that it won't not work for me in a few weeks from now.

So what else is going on in my life? Well, considering the fact that I love to live in chaos (according to my counselor), I have entered into a new venture. I am taking a SugarBrig sugaring course this weekend...then offering free sugaring for the month of December to practice, and opening my own sugaring business in January. I know the timing isn't perfect, but this was my last chance to get in before Christmas, and this is something that I really wanted to do in the New Year. I have named my company BARE by Braun, and I truly hope that this will be a successful thing for me to enjoy. I plan on running everything out of my house to make things comfortable to both myself and the clients. If you are reading this and I haven't already invited you to my free sugaring event, please email me or comment and I would be happy to have you in for some free sugaring! :)

There you have it, the synopsis of Amanda Braun. I will continue to update my blog as the treatments progress, to keep everyone informed. I appreciated every single comment and word of encouragement, so please do keep those coming! I never get sick of them! Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you continue on this journey with me.

Okay God, I'm Listening

It never ceases to amaze me how chaos seems to seek me out. My life is never stable for very long. The last few days have been a prime example of that. Most of you know (if not all of you), that I started a new job as a Rec Therapist about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I had mentioned to my co-worker that I was going to be going in for a pre-operative assessment for ECT, and that I may be going through with the treatments. She told me that my secret was safe with her. Two days later I get a call from my manager stating that there have been some "ethical issues" raised and that she needed to discuss them with me. I sat on the phone and listened in shock as she talked about my receiving ECT and my depressive symptoms and how they could affect my job. She asked numerous times if I felt as though I could manage working right now. I will still in shock, and super embarrassed.

So I hang up with my boss, with the agreement that I would call Occupational Health, and just as I hung up the phone it rang. It was the Occ. Health Nurse calling to follow up with some "ethical concerns". Again I listen in horror as she describes my depression to me (as if I didn't already KNOW), and how this would affect my job. She stated that I needed a physician to sign off that I am mentally capable of doing my job.

I got off the phone and it hit me; I was going to have to give up my job. I cried and cried- out of fear, embarrassment, shock, dislike, etc. I was devastated. I said to myself, "Okay God, I'm listening". I felt that I was being told something that was not getting through to my brain. Here I am, trying and trying so desperately to move on with my life, while God is sitting back and gently saying "slow down, we aren't there yet". Now I can hear His voice in my mind, and I'm promising to listen this time around. So with that, I had peace...and I quit my job.

Part of quitting involved a huge financial component - we needed that money. I had applied for CPP Disability a few months ago, but was unsure as to whether or not I would even receive the benefit. And I thought, with my luck, I would get denied anyways. After waiting and waiting, I finally got a call back this afternoon (right after I quit my job), and the lady stated that I had in fact been approved to receive benefits. Praise God for this mercy, that we so desperately needed. I sent up a "thank-you" prayer immediately! My payments might be delayed, meaning we might struggle a little, but at least I know they are coming.

Another thing that was swirling around in my mind was "how am I going to get to ECT"? I'm not allowed to drive, and I have treatments scheduled twice a week, starting at 6:30 am, so who in their right mind would want to take me? Greg would take me but we can't afford for him to take so much time off of work. I was just sort of "winging it", hoping that rides would fall into place. Well I received a message from my pastor today saying that there was a woman who was interested in driving me every Tuesday for the course of my treatment. I was SO excited. I emailed her back expressing my gratitude, and doesn't she email me again and says that she will drive for my ENTIRE course of treatments - twice a week for 6 weeks. I was floored. This is such a huge commitment, but she felt that it was important for me to have a familiar face during these traumatic treatments. I am so blessed with this person, and I thank God for her willingness to help me out in this time of need.

So there it is - a sum of events that leads me to one conclusion; someone is looking out for me, and there IS a plan for my life. I am not nearly as hopeless as I believed myself to be. Maybe this treatment could save my life. I have renewed faith in God and His plans, and have vowed to listen to Him from now on. Only He knows what I truly need to get better. I wanted to write this post to encourage others that good things DO happen, even in the midst of such a horrible time. There are little blessings each and every day, we just have pay attention to them.

Let's Be Honest

Today I went to Hamilton to have my assessments done - memory, depression scale, etc. I found that it was really eye-opening, and forced me to be honest with myself. I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory, and learned quite a few things.

First, my depression is still serious and acute. I still have suicidal thoughts even though they don't hold as much power as before. Deep down I still feel worthless and utterly hopeless that my situation will get better. I don't enjoy things like I used to, and I have thoughts of self-harm on occasion. These things shouldn't seem like a surprise, but they really were. I thought I was doing better. In reality, I'm able to better manage my symptoms, not make them disappear. Maybe this is somewhat of a reason to celebrate? I guess symptom management is better than succumbing to them.

I left feeling really down about myself...but also with a twinge of hope. The nurse told me she has seen miraculous recoveries with ECT. She has seen numerous numerous success stories, and knows that this treatment is both effective and safe. When she talked about that I found myself smiling, which she noticed. She said she hadn't seen a smile like that on my face the whole time she has been seeing me. I smiled because I truly felt as though this might "cure" me. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the ticket that I have been waiting for.

So now I live my life knowing that there might be a light at the end of the ECT tunnel. Maybe my experience will be a positive one, instead of negative like all of the things I have been reading. Maybe I WILL feel better. I still feel down, and am still suffering everyday from the effects of depression, but now I live with a sense of hope, a sense of purpose. If I can just make it to next Tuesday...maybe I will feel better. If I can just make it through a few treatments, maybe I will say goodbye to my depression, something that has been living with me for far too long.

Today I'm feeling encouraged that these thoughts that are plaguing me may soon go away. The thoughts of wanting to cut my arm might disappear. The thoughts of hurting Adelyn will be a distant memory. One can only hope. That is all I have left. I am hanging on to this ECT like a cat to a tree; dangling precariously over a deep ravine.

I appreciate all of your comments, and emails, they mean so much. Please continue to follow my journey through ECT, which starts November 8th. I would LOVE to be a success story that you can tell your friends and family about.

As Good As It Gets?

Talking about ECT with a few people today...I was faced with some hard questions. Mainly, why are you doing this? You'd think this would be a simple answer, but it's strangely complicated. I THINK I'm doing this to get better, but really - what is "better". Do I have the capacity to be better than I am? Is this as good as it gets?

I've said before, I don't know what normalcy is...I don't know what normal mothers experience on a daily basis. Have I reached "normal"? Are my thoughts/feelings/actions the same as every other mother in this world? I've decided to outline my current experience, so as to do a personal audit of my feelings, and to gauge whether or not there is room to grow.

I wake up in the morning to Adelyn talking. My first thoughts? Usually anxiety - how quickly can I get ready? What if she has to pee and I'm ignoring her? What if I'm doing some sort of psychological damage by letting her be lone and awake? I rush through getting ready - I don't take time to do anything special...makeup and hair are the same everyday, and are done as quick as possible. I don't care about my appearance near as much as I used to.

I (finally) am ready - it seems to take forever, but usually only 5-10 minutes. I open Adelyn's door and am greeted by a big smile and an enthusiastic "num num!". This is one of my happier moments, since Adelyn is such a morning person. I feel a little inkling of joy - something that should be commonplace in my life, but is actually quite rare.

I think about how soon Brittany will be up from downstairs. I have mini panic attacks about being alone with Adelyn - a feeling I have mostly gotten used to, but typing this out makes me realize that this is not okay. I feed Adelyn breakfast and I shovel it in as quick as possible, because I'm worried she will refuse to eat anymore. I don't let Adelyn feed herself because I am too anxious about the mess - I can't handle any extra work than the required minimum. Why would I make extra work for myself? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Brittany comes up from downstairs and I feel instant relief - now I can share the load with someone else. I'm no longer solely responsible for this little being. I can almost relax. We have our own breakfast and drink our coffee - one of the more calming experiences of my day. Adelyn plays while watching Disney Junior, and I don't feel guilty. But that is where it ends.

My guilt starts approx one hour after Adelyn wakes up - down to a science, I know. This is when I feel like she shouldn't be allowed to watch anymore TV, but yet I don't know what else to do with her. If Brittany is around I usually keep my guilt at bay by chatting and keeping my mind off of the fact that the TV is on. I start to panic about what to do with Adelyn during the day - I know I need to get out, but I don't feel like it. I know Adelyn needs to socialize, but I don't feel like it. It's not fair to her that we don't go out because of ME, since everything seems to revolve around ME. So I manage to force myself (out of guilt) to go to the Early Years Centre, or gymnastics, or something else.

Once I arrive somewhere, I can't wait to leave...I try to enjoy myself, but I can't. I just think about Adelyn crying, or getting sick of whatever we're doing, and how I'm going to handle that. I'm never in the "here and now" - I'm always living in the worst-case-scenario realm. What a terrible place to be. So, I force myself (again, out of guilt), to stay for at least an hour...I make that my goal. Put up with my urge to flee for an hour. Tick tick tick.

When I leave wherever I was, I feel instant relief, that lasts only momentarily...NOW what am I going to do with her?? I should have stayed longer....I could have put up with it longer. I'm alaways beating myself up. Usually by time this process is over, it's time for lunch...another stress for me. I make Adelyn what I know she will eat, and sometimes that's processed cheese. And then I feel guilty for not feeding her properly. If she refuses food I feel like it's my fault. It's something that I did to her, and that's why she's not eating. Now, I KNOW this is irrational, but I can't shut it off.

After lunch is nap time...the second most relaxing part of my day. Adelyn is a good sleeper so I know I can count on at least an hour "off". I try not to do anything during this time, because it is my only time to myself. So I take advantage of that, but that leads to me not getting anything done around the house. So then I feel guilty - are you getting the pattern??

When I hear Adelyn wake up I usually panic yet again - oh no, she's too early...she won't be in a good mood. Now I have to entertain her for longer, what are we going to do? I know I should take her for a walk but I don't want to go. I know I should read to her, or do something educational but I don't feel like it. I just want to sit on the couch and chat with Brittany, or veg. I have no motivation. Although I love watching Adelyn play and be happy, I don't love playing WITH her. I just like to watch. I relish the times that she plays independently and leaves me alone. But then I feel guilty.

And so the rest of the day goes...supper is another anxiety producing event, mainly because I feel guilty that she doesn't eat vegetables. Some days she doesn't eat anything. I try to shovel food in my face while also feeding her (because I don't want her to feed herself). I rarely truly enjoy my dinners, because I am so focused on her.

After dinner we usually go downstairs and have the TV on in the background. I don't feel AS guilty about this, because I feel like this is an appropriate time to watch TV. I am relatively relaxed because the events of the day are over, and I made it through another day alive. This is followed by bedtime, with which I usually put off because it means actually doing some work. Depression has made me super lazy. I manage to get through her bath routine, and bottle and books...then what I look forward to all day - a bedtime kiss. This kiss means so much to me. It means Adelyn actually loves me - it means I've gotten through another day - it means bedtime is coming and I can relax - it means she knows who mommy is - it means that I have been somewhat of a productive adult - it means so much. I look forward to it all day.

And so I assess my day...I think about all the housework I didn't get done. I try and figure out why I'm so lazy. I try and rationalize my activities of the day - I try to figure out why I let Adelyn watch so much TV. I beat myself black and blue inside. I measure myself up to everyone else...GOOD moms wouldn't let Adelyn be downstairs so much. GOOD moms would have done the laundry and cooked dinner. My comparisons are endless.

So there it is, a day in the life. So tell me, am I normal? I don't believe that I am, but as I said, I could be totally wrong...I really don't know. Is there room for improvement? Could ECT fix my guilt, my self-loathing? Or have I hit my plateau and I should just enjoy where I am at? So many questions that I know may go unanswered.

I Am Who I Am

This is me - this is what you get. I am a woman struggling with post partum depression. I am a woman struggling with mental illness. I am broken and torn apart. I can't change who I am, so why am I so ashamed of those at work finding out? I had a day today where I had to disclose my condition to a few people at work - and I caught myself being very embarrassed by my illness. Why? Because the stigma follows me wherever I go; people with mental illnesses are not as good as those who are healthy. Those with mental illness are "stupid" and "worthless". Here I am, advocating publicly on the internet about PPD, but yet I can't even talk about it in my workplace.

I am saddened by my weakness. I should know by now that I am who I am, and that is good enough. I am smart, I am good at my job. I love people and I am caring. I am capable of taking care of others, and I am not an invalid. I just wish others would realize the same thing.

At work I really want to be able to visit with people in the in-patient mental health unit during my lunch hour/after work. You cannot believe the hoops that I have to jump through in order to do this.I found myself becoming ashamed for asking to do this, and even now I feel regret over opening this can of worms. Now several people (some higher up) know about my struggle, and I am completely vulnerable. I feel like I opened up my chest to them, and at any time they can reach inside and tear out my heart. I just wanted to be a good person, and "give back", but now I feel silly that I went down this route. All I can hope is that I don't suffer repercussions in my job.

I would like to thank everyone for their kind works on my blog and through email/FB. I appreciate every single comment and opinion. I have been thinking very hard about the shock treatments. I am still scared out of my mind. I got a call today to tell me that my pre-op appointment is next Thursday, and my treatments start on Tuesday, November 8th. So close. I asked the nurse about the possibility of severe memory loss. She said she has never seen anyone with "severe" memory loss. That was a little encouraging. She said I would likely forget phone numbers and names. I am still extremely apprehensive, but I think that I will try a few treatments and then assess my memory and decide whether or not I can continue.

I will make sure to blog my journey through ECT...please continue to comment and follow.

Between a Shock and a Hard Place

I sit here, on my bed, facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life - alone. Greg is at work and I don't know where else to turn. I am torn up about the decision I have to make.

I had my appointment in Hamilton yesterday with Dr. Hasey - he concluded that I either have a) borderline personality disorder or b) bipolar disorder. He also concluded that the best course of treatment for me at this time would be Electroconvulsive Therapy (shock treatments). He explained to me how it would be administered and what the side effects were. He asked me if I would be willing to undergo these treatments, and off the cuff I said "yes". I signed the consent form and now here we are, off and running.

To back it up a little for those of you that don't know much about ECT; it is administered (in my case)on an out-patient basis. You have to arrive at 6:30 am to the hospital, at which point they would start an IV on you. They line you up in the hallway on stretchers, awaiting your treatment. Once in the OR they put you to sleep and give you a muscle relaxant that causes you to stop breathing. They put two electrodes on either temple, and exert an electric current through your brain, causing a seizure that lasts approx. 1 minute. Within a few more minutes you are breathing on your own again, and you wake up from the procedure.

Side effects to this treatment can be severe - including death (although not likely). One of the most important side effects to me, is the memory loss. It is said that you can lose your long term, and your short term memory. I could forget the birth of my daughter, or I could forget what I said 2 minutes ago. I could essentially lose my entire personality, as sometimes ECT "wipes you clean". I could be a zombie, and it could make my depression worse.

Now, these are the worst case scenario - but that's part of my reality if I choose to go through with this treatment. I just started my new job, and doing these treatments means that I might have to resign (I'd say a 50/50 chance). This is a big deal for our family...but so is my depression. I don't know what to do; what's more important. Do I want to continue living like I am, with little enjoyment of anything, but functioning at my job, or do I take the chance of ECT and potentially lose everything I have worked so hard for? I guess on the flip side, I could gain my life back if it works. There is always that possibility too.

I have made my blog public again so that I can get some opinions on this very very difficult decision. I know ultimately it is my family's decision, but input from friends and even strangers, would be most appreciated as well.

What do you think I should do? What would you do if you were me? I'm tired of living this way, and I want to move on with my life. I'm desperate for SOMETHING to work...please Lord, just SOMETHING.

So now here I will sit - on my bed - waiting for someone to tell me something that I need to hear. I will lay down, trying to sleep, but unable to take my mind off this extremely difficult decision. I will pray, asking God to show me the right path. I will toss and turn, toss and turn, toss and turn. This could go on for weeks, possibly months, depending on what I decide. If you're reading this, please know that any input you have (if even just a kind word), would help me immensely right now.

So here I sit...

Learning Curve

I'm learning a lot these days. First of all,I have started my new job (yay)! Things seem to be going really well, and I'm excited for the opportunity that this has brought me. I work with some really great people and patients, so that makes things easier. I am struggling with my motivation though; it is hard to find the "oomph" to get myself to smile big and be happy for work. I don't necessarily feel depressed, just flat - so smiling can be a stretch sometimes. But I HAVE to have a smile for my job, so I plaster it on and away I go. I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to know for my job (like dietary considerations), for each patient. I hope that as time goes by, it will get easier.

Another things I am learning,is how to live this new life of mine. I am learning to live in "normalcy". I have been stable (or what I consider stable) since the beginning of October, and I'm finding it hard to reconnect with my old self, and to determine where I go from here - what kind of human being I'm going to be. As I said above, I no longer feel "depressed", but I do lack emotion, which isn't very nice either. However, I would take lack of emotion out of the two any day. When I have a bad moment, like I'm frustrated or upset, I have to remind myself that NORMAL people feel these things too, it is not because I am sick. I was a procrastinator before I had Adelyn, so how can I pin that as a symptom of my PPD? I am constantly reminding myself that to feel these emotions is normal and healthy, and this really keeps me on an even keel. I am so blessed to be looking at things from "the other side" and I sure do like what I see in my future now. I am enjoying Adelyn more, and I feel the love inside me growing beyond what my heart can hold. Sometimes now I just stare at her and admire the beautiful being that she is, and stand in awe that I was the one that brought her into this world.

On the topic of Adelyn, we are also experiencing another learning curve with the little one. She is potty training! Yes, I know this is early, but I have a family member who has inspired me to try this out. So far (it has only been a week and a day), she will pee and poop on the potty all throughout the day, and now will pee on command (as opposed to waiting there with her for 30- 60 mins!). She has told me once that she had to pee, and then went...which I am beyond thrilled about! I am so proud of my little missy, I can't even tell you. Each day of potty training has its ups and downs, but I am enjoying the ride with this amazing little girl. Here's hoping that she will continue to progress and get better and better at this new skill!

To update you on some "housekeeping" matters...I am still on Wellbutrin 300 mg, and I credit this drug with helping me to come around. Nothing short of a miracle in my books. I have a specialist appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Hasey in Hamilton..he will assess my meds and give me a more clear diagnosis (hopefully). I will be able to talk with him about the possibility of me having more children, and what my prognosis is. Also on that day, I have a meeting with FACS to look at where I am, and how far I've come- and hopefully to talk about discharge from their service. I pray that this meeting will go well, and that the outcome will be appropriate to the situation.

Land of Uncertainty

I'm in a strange spot these days; I never know what is going to come when I wake up. Each hour is an interesting development, which leads to an equally interesting day. "Interesting" is not necessarily good or bad, it just "is". But I never know what is on its way...am I going to be in a good mood? Bad mood? Am I going to have strange thoughts? Will I want to die? Sounds like peculiar questions but it is what I ask myself every hour of every day.

I have been feeling more stable lately, which is such a blessing. Even still, I live in the land of uncertainty - never knowing if and when my symptoms will rear their ugly heads. I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing if I'm going to relapse yet again. I have gone down this road too many times to count, how do I know this time is for real? How do I know how much of this "life" I have left before it is torn away from me? Questions, questions. That no one can answer (except for God).

So what does "stable" look like for me? Well, I haven't had thoughts of suicide or of hurting Adelyn in a few weeks. This is very important in my recovery. I can also tolerate Adelyn better than before, I have less anxiety surrounding her crying and bad moods. I'm able to get up and get out of the house, instead of wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. This is what stable looks like. Not all that impressive, but, in comparison, it is pretty incredible.

What is my measure for recovery? I was asked this today by my mental health nurse. What does it mean to be well, Amanda? What does that look like? I told her that I want to take care of Adelyn full time; no longer needing a nanny to be with me, and able to function like a "normal" mother. I use normal loosely. Basically that is how I measure success right now- being able to care for Adelyn. It is so frustrating that this comes so easily for most women...I just don't understand it. It's as if I am trying to run with one leg - it just can't be done. And I'm beating myself up over and over again for not being able to run this race. I need to get over that I think. Easier said than done.

On another note, I start my job next week - another area of uncertainty for me. Can I handle it? I have no idea. And I won't know until I get there. I had to go for an occupational health assessment a few days ago, and I had to reveal my medications and hospitalizations. I was so embarrassed, which never happens. I'm just so afraid of being judged before I walk in that door. I don't want anyone at the hospital knowing my history; I don't want to be watched - that's what ruined it for me last time. I'm just praying that this time will actually work, for a few reasons 1) we need the extra money to pay off some bills 2) it is my dream job and 3) because I WANT it to work and can't take the possibility of failure. I will update here after my first shift, to let all of you know how things went.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I enjoyed some time up north with family. Here's to counting our blessings; not just on Thanksgiving, but every day.

The Ebb and Flow

My illness has been a long road of ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I've had many more downs than I can count, but can count the highs on one hand. Going into this Thanksgiving weekend, I am blessed to look back on last year and realize how truly far I've come. Last year at this time I was cutting up my wrists and being shipped to the Welland hospital via ambulance. How truly far I have come.

Now, saying that I have come a long way is definitely bittersweet. I say that because I don't know for a fact that this is "better". I see this as just a high, which will be followed by yet another low. I have a hard time enjoying the ride because I know what happens every time; I crash inevitably. When is this crash going to come? Do I have a few days, a few weeks, a few months? How low will I go? Will I become suicidal again? The questions just made my head and heart ache.

I was told yesterday that living in emotional chaos is indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder. That made me go "hmmm". This has been brought up before (by my doctor) but nothing was ever solidified as a diagnosis. This nurse seems to believe that I have BPD and now she has me thinking about this again. The thought of this is depressing though, because BPD is essentially untreatable with medication. You can treat the symptoms of the disorder (like depression) but you can't treat the disorder itself. That's a scary thought. I am going to see another specialist at the end of the month and I hope that maybe he will have some intelligent insight into what is actually wrong with me.

For a moment I am going to try to enjoy this period of time, however short it may be. I am soaking in Adelyn and her cuteness - I am relishing being able to do things with her that I actually enjoy. I went for a walk today and took a second to breathe in the crisp fall air, and felt joy. I think about my future and I am hopeful; being able to say with some certainty that there is more to life than this. I know that I will not die from this, and that I may even be able to fully live again. I'm grasping at these moments and trying to process them as completely as possible. Someday soon they might be gone, but for now, I am content with being me.

Thankful for the Unthinkable

I'm feeling very thankful today...I've been thinking a lot about what has come from this experience, and although it has been horrible, I have received a lot of blessings as well. I thought I would use this post to show that good things can come from hopeless situations.

A stronger marriage - I am thankful for Greg and the way he has supported me through everything. If we can get through this, and 6 months of separation due to hospitalizations, we can get through anything. I love him more than anything, and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here.

A great support system - I have SO many people that have rallied around me to support me through this illness. My in-laws have been amazing, letting us stay there for a few months when we needed it. My sister has been a wonderful support, as well as the rest of my family. I am also fortunate to have great services in place, like IMPACT, Community Mental Health, Public Health, and (believe it or not) FACS. All these services have allowed me to stay in my own home, and work on practical problems.

Chelsea (and now her sister) - this has allowed me to get my life back. Having the resources to pay for a nanny was a humongous blessing, and it was worth every penny. Without having a live in caregiver, I would not have been able to function at home. I am thankful everyday that we found such a wonderful person to live with us, and I look forward to having her sister stay with us now.

My house cleaner- again, having the resources to pay for a house cleaner has been amazing for my recovery. I no longer have to guilt myself about not keeping the house spotless - this guilt was wearing away at me every day. Now I have peace of mind knowing that it will be cleaned thoroughly every other week, and that I just have to maintain during the rest of the time.

Dr. Asti - my doctor is extremely involved in my care, and really , truly, does care about my recovery. A good doctor like that is hard to find (VERY hard to find actually). I am fortunate to get to see her every week, and to have someone available when I need them (most of the time). I count my lucky starts almost daily because I have Dr. Asti.

The opportunity to raise awareness of PPD - I think this is the biggest benefit of my entire experience. Getting to teach others about the risks and dangers of this illness has brought me so much satisfaction; something I haven't gotten with anything else before. I continue to speak to pre-natal classes, as well as infant massage classes. I hope to expand my target audience by finding more avenues to speak, as I really really enjoy it. If anyone out there knows of an audience that would benefit from some information on PPD, please tell me and I would be happy to volunteer my time to come and share my experience.

Well, that is all I can think of right now(this is good that I can even think positively at all!). I know there are other benefits to my situation, but, when I think of them, I will put those in another post :)I don't even know why I was thinking about my blessings today...I guess the Wellbutrin is doing something inside that brain of mine! I'd like to think that all of this wasn't in vain, but rather a stepping stone to something else, a higher purpose perhaps.

The Long Road

Adelyn is 16 months. 16 months of torturous thoughts, 16 months of crippling depression. I have suffered for 16 long months. How long will this go on? I look on the internet and there is people saying "oh I had a realllly bad case of PPD, that lasted 6 months". 6 months...? Seriously? I would give ANYTHING to say that I only suffered for 6 months. I even have my workers asking me how long this will be "allowed" to go on for; as if it's my doctor's fault. She can't fix me - obviously, no one can. I am the case that will go on forever, with no end in sight. That's how I feel most days...this is just my existence now, something I have to live with.

Although I feel hopeless and bleak some days, lately I have been feeling a little bit better. I started Wellbutrin 150 mg, and have just increased to 300 mg. I doubt that that is what is making me feel better right now (since it is too early), but I think it is helping a little. Wellbutrin is prescribed to give one a little more motivation and drive...something I severely lack.

Another thing helping me feel better is having Chelsea here - having someone around is priceless to me. It keeps my mind off of suicidal thoughts, it keeps me busy because I'm more motivated to go out and do things. Unfortunately, she will be leaving on Friday night; however, it is a family affair here and her sister is moving in on Saturday night. Brittany (sister) will be working for me 3 days per week and will be living here during the week. I think this will help out huge. We definitely have a full house now though, with my student Angela, living here as well.

So, to update from the last post, I ended up getting that Recreation Therapist job at the hospital. I think this helped me feel better as well. It made me feel good about myself; made me feel like I was worth something. I know I shouldn't put my worth on a job interview, but unfortunately that is how my mind operates right now. So I am very excited to start (I work 2 days per week), which will be on October 17th. Hopefully this will be a positive thing in my life, something that I can really "own" and feel good about.

I am also doing some PPD awareness activities, which helps me come to terms with my own suffering. I am speaking at pre-natal classes, and will be speaking at the local Ontario Early Years Centre. Educating women and their partners regarding PPD/PPA is a huge passion of mine. If I can raise awareness and understanding of this terrible condition, and if I can save someone from suffering, then I have a purpose to my life. I really just want women to know that they don't have to suffer in silence - there is help out there, and people who understand. Hopefully I can make a difference.

So I continue to maintain the 24/7 supervision until FACS tells me otherwise. I have arrangements for the next two weeks, but hopefully they will lift the order sooner than that. I will update as things happen over here. Thanks to all who read and keep up with the blog. I appreciate all of you.

The Viscious Cycle

For those of you that read my post before it was deleted, then you know where this is coming from. For those of you that didn't read the post...I had become very suicidal. I wanted to die. Wanted the pain to stop. And so the viscious cycle continues.

I'm feeling a little bit better, however, I was up front and told some of my workers how I was feeling. In turn, they called FACS. Yay. So now FACS is all over me, and are making sure that I have 24/7 supervision with Adelyn. I'm not even allowed to pick her up from daycare. It's very frustrating. I was honest with my doctor too, and she wanted me to go to the hospital but I refused. I felt like "what is the big deal?" So what, I want to die, this is nothing new. So in one way I feel like all this attention is silly and unwarranted.

So how on earth am I going to pull off 24/7 supervision?? I called Chelsea (ex-nanny) and she agreed to come and stay with me for a week and a bit. This will get me to next Wednesday, when they will re-evaluate my supervision order. Thank goodness for Chelsea. I have no idea what I'm going to do AFTER that, but I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I started Wellbutrin today...which I have been on before (and it made me aggresive), but Dr. Asti feels like this is my best option right now - because I have no motivation or "drive" to do anything. I'm starting on the smallest dosage so we will see where things go from here. Wellbutrin is an atypical antidepressant, and gives you a "kick" in addition to being an antidepressant. It should take about two weeks before I notice the benefit (if at all).

So what else is happening? I'm STILL waiting to hear back about the job, however, they have called me to get a police clearance already, so I think I have gotten it (they just haven't formally offered it to me yet). I don't know how I will handle working again...but I'm hoping that having a place where no one knows me, will be a good thing. It might provide me an escape from reality for a few days per week. I don't know until I try!

A Cry for Help

*Removed*

Thanks for all your support, love and prayers.

The fight for life continues...

A Scattered Mind

There may be no direction to this post, be fair-warned. I have been so incredibly random lately, and I don't know if I am going hypo-manic (slightly more excitable. etc than normal, but not full manic), or if I am just actually this scattered in my brain. Hypomania is not a good thing because that means that I will have to reduce my Concerta, which I'm not really interested in doing...it WORKS and it's nice to have some energy for once.

Speaking of the Concerta, I need to talk to my doctor about that. She thinks I am taking 36 mg, but I am actually taking 54 mg. I'm afraid to tell her because I don't want her to yell at me :( I feel like a bad kid who is doing something terribly wrong. Realistically, this small change doesn't do THAT much to me, and I don't think 54 mg's is that detrimental. But still, I need to tell her. That might possibly may be the reason why I feel slightly "high".

So I started my Master's program last week. Now I am dropping out. Done. I realized that this is not what I want to do, and this is not my forte AT ALL. I was drowning in material that I didn't recognize at all - it was all theories of learning and stuff that I have never ever covered. Now I am going back to Brock for my Honour's degree in Therapeutic Recreation. From there, (I have 3 credits left)I would like to apply to do my Master's at Brock (the traditional way). I feel good about this decision - recreation is where my heart is, and I think sticking with what I know is the best solution. I really want to further my education, but I can't do anything (at Brock), until I have my Honour's, so that is Step Number 1.

I am still waiting for the results of my job interview...I emailed them Friday and received an email back stating that they had not yet filled the position, and that she would be in contact with me shortly. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows. I'm SO incredibly tired of deconstructing my interview in my brain...I just want to know whether or not I got it so I can move on. I still don't eve know if I could handle it, so whatever happens is fine by me.

Lately I have been feeling so lost...like I am not good at anything, can't find my identity in anything. I can't work (so far), I can't be a good mom, I can't be a good housewife, I can't be a good student...what can I do?? I think this has contributed to me feeling so scattered...I'm just grasping for anything that I think I might find some worth in. I want a job because then I would be WORTH something - I would be productive. I just want to do something that matters, but I don't feel like being a mom matters right now. I feel like Adelyn could care less about who is around her, and is actually happier with others than she is with me. I just feel very defeated right now. I'm hoping that something will give me some purpose.

I spoked at a pre-natal class today for the first time, and for the first time in a long time, I felt really good. I felt like I connected with those men/women and made an impact on them. I think maybe focusing on PPD awareness is a good thing for me to do right now, maybe an avenue to find my purpose amongst all this tragedy.

So there is a pretty good sum of my life right now...all over the place. I could have written more, but I thought this was more user-friendly!

Torture of Another Kind

So I am going to cautiously say that I am feeling better than I was last week...I feel as though the medication is doing SOMETHING and have stopped the suicidal thoughts. I have more energy and my outlook is a little more positive. I'm thanking God for this new-found hope that I have. I feel like maybe, just maybe, the Concerta will work like it did in the beginning, and I can feel great again.

I've been rating myself as an "8" for my mood...I was down to a "6.5" when I was really bad, so "8" is great in my opinion! I don't take ratings lightly either, I take a lot of time to evaluate which number I am going to use, and that it accurately reflects my mood for that day. When I felt really good on the Concerta I was an "8.5"...so I'm just about there. I feel like an "8" or a "9" is "normal" and what a normal person would feel like on any given day. Is that wrong? I know, there is no "normal"!

So I think I mentioned below that I had an interview on Friday (or maybe I didn't...I can't remember?).. well, I had an interview at the hospital for a Recreation Therapist - yes, this is a dream job. I've always wanted to get into the hospital. Amazing pay and amazing benefits just to name a few highlights. I was shocked I even got an interview and even more shocked that I did WELL.

I bought a new suit (went with traditional black), did up my hair and makeup, and strutted in there like I knew what was goin' on. I don't know WHERE that confidence came from, but I found it somewhere! While I waited I chatted with patients...come on, this has GOT to look good on me! The manager found me talking with a patient when it was time for the interview...she looked shocked but I'm hoping that was a good thing!

The interview questions seemed easy - boom - boom - boom, I had an answer for them all. The interviewers smiled and laughed with me, and it was a great conversation. SO, I think I have a great chance at this job...I definitely don't think I have it in the bag (yet), but I feel good about the effort I made. Now I have the tortuous wait this week. They said they will let me know by Friday, so that's a long time to go!

The worst part it, I don't even know if I can handle this job. It is two days per week (Mon and Fri), and for a contract of 5 months (so far). I've tried part time already and that blew up in my face, so what's to say that this will work any better? I don't know if I'm making a potentially stupid decision in considering this as a possibility for me. There is really no way to know until I actually DO the job...but if I do it and fail...I don't even want to think about that.

So send good vibes my way! Either I get the job (yay!) or I don't (and that's okay for me). Will find out in a few days...

A Day in the Life

What is it like to be me? That's a question that I'm not sure many people would want to find out. I have been having a rough time lately..these medications have really messed with my brain and I'm starting to lose hope.

When I wake up in the morning I feel dread...another day to have to get up and take care of Adelyn. If I could stay in bed all day, I would. I pop some pills and try to hoist myself out of bed and motivated to get ready.

I spend time with Adelyn...caring for her basic needs (feeding, dressing, bathing),but can't do much else. I sit here on the couch and pray for the energy to keep up with a toddler. But it never comes. Adelyn sits at my feet and begs "momma pwease pwease", but I can't respond. I just stare. She asks to come "up" and it's like listening to a broken record and I tune it out. I feel like a terrible mother, in fact, I KNOW I am a terrible mother, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes I can play with her, sometimes we sing together, but most of the time now it is me sitting and staring blankly at the wall, just praying for time to fly by so I can go to bed.

I can barely function around the house...I do nothing. I only manage to put a meal on the table because Angela is here and I don't want her to starve. Other than that it takes a herculian effort to get ANY housework done. It's as though I have concrete strapped to my arms and legs. I just physically CAN'T. Some people don't understand that - there is a physical force preventing me from doing anything.

So here I sit...all I do is self-loathe and think about ways to get out of this mess. The medications make me cold, unfeeling. I think about suicide but there is no emotion with it - I plan the practicalities of how to do it, without FEELING anything. If I had any feeling I would imagine that this would be a scary place to be, but I don't. The only reason I keep going is because I couldn't do that to my family - Greg and Adelyn are my reason for being. I hang on to their strength to get me through.

I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, to hopefully get some more answers. I am back on my Abilify, and she just reduced my Concerta to 27mg. She believes that the higher dose of Concerta may have been contributing to my depression and making the suicidal thoughts worse. I just pray that she is right, and that this new dose will make things better again.

Just a Hard Day

I'm having a rough day today...Adelyn is cranky, and I feel like I've blown my job interview (before I've even had it!). I found out one of my references will be away the week that she would be contacted, so I emailed the recruiter and updated her, letting her know that if she wanted to contact her prior to the interview she could. I didn't think about how this would be off-putting (because the recruiter had requested all my references already anyhow), but now I think I just screwed myself over.

Oh well, I don't need a job right now anyways. I don't even know if I'm able to hold down a job, let alone excel at one. This makes me hate myself for not being able to do anything- I can't even get laundry done around here. I hate the way I feel and I hate being in this position (for what seems like forever). I'm tearing up as I write this, which is amazing because I didn't think I could cry anymore. I'm just having a really tough day and all I want is for it to get better, somehow.

I've been taking the Abilify for the last week, and so far it hasn't brought me back to that happy self that I was a few weeks ago. I had high hopes going back on this drug, and so far I just feel let down, and more depressed. The thoughts of self harm are mostly gone, and I don't think about all the terrible things that could happen to Adelyn. So that's ONE plus that has happened, but that's it.

I hate to be so negative, but that's just the mood I'm in right now. I'm praying that something will work out for me and that I can feel better again. It was such a cruel joke, having felt better for a week, then going back to this. What an awful awful feeling. I need to find my hope again.

Wicked Withdrawal

So in my previous post I mentioned that I was feeling "let down" by the Concerta, and that I didn't feel like it was working anymore. Well, things just went downhill from there, day by day. On Monday night I started feeling very "off"...all of a sudden the violent thoughts came back. I had urges to smother Adelyn, or visions of her being cut by a knife. I couldn't take her crying; it would bring on more violent thoughts. I wanted to cut myself...I had so much inner agitation that I couldn't sleep.

My thoughts were racing a million miles per minute and I couldn't slow them down, I knew something was going seriously wrong. I did a little research and found out that stopping Abilify cold turkey (like I did) can cause a rapid return of psychotic and depressive symptoms. It also said that it takes a week to two weeks for Abilify to leave your system...so it was just on its way out for me. It just made sense - I was experiencing withdrawal from the Abilify (not that the Concerta had stopped working).

I was desperate to get more meds...I couldn't leave this alone or I was going to hurt myself or someone else. I felt out of control. Unfortunately my doctor was away on vacation so this left me with few options. I considered going to my family doctor, but realized that he would probably just send me to the emerg anyways. So, I took myself to the ER.

I'm used to the process of getting to see the psychiatrist on call...go to triage, wait for crisis nurse, wait for ER doctor, wait for psychiatrist. So I had to tell my story 4 times over. I told them I had thoughts of hurting myself and Adelyn..that they were intrusive and I couldn't stop them. Well, apparently this was reason enough to admit me, so that's what the ER doctor did. He put me on a Form 1, stating that I could not leave. I was so scared- I couldn't go into the hospital AGAIN. I just couldn't.

Luckily I knew the psychiatrist on call (and he was familiar with me and my thought patterns), and he reversed the Form 1 and let me leave with a prescription for Abilify. He was surprised my doctor would take me off an antipsychotic cold turkey...if only we had known this would happen :(

So now I have had two doses of Abilify, and I'm still clearly in withdrawal mode. I am detached and despondent. I don't want to do ANYTHING...I'm extremely lazy. I'm finding it hard to function like a normal human being. I'm praying that by taking the Abilify that I will feel like I did when I first started taking Concerta - happy and enjoying life. It was such a tease, feeling good for those few days. So cruel, when I think about it.

Yet another bump in the road.

A Beautiful Letdown

I feel like I ride this medication rollercoaster all the time. I start a new med and it's great, great, great for a few weeks, then it seems to peter out. I'm a little afraid that that is what is happening to me on Concerta. I have cut down my coffee to one per day, so maybe that has something to do with it.

In the morning I wake up happy- I sing in the bathroom, I sing to Adelyn when I go into her room, I literally float around the house. I drink my coffee shortly after, then I have an hour, maybe two, where I feel great. Then it all seems to dissipate from there...I don't know if it's because the caffeine causes me to crash, or because the Concerta is wearing off earlier than it should (it is SUPPOSED to last 12 hours). My preference would be to continue drinking coffee throughout the day, but I promised Dr. Asti I would try to cut down.

I'm really having a hard time trying to decipher what is causing me to feel "down" (nothing compared to where I have been, mind you). I feel like maybe because the high I feel in the morning is so drastic, that in the afternoon I feel like what I am feeling is "depressed"...? It's all in comparison. I want so badly to feel that high all day, that when it disappears I feel very letdown. A non-stop rollercoaster of emotions.

And alas I continue the pursuit of normalcy, whatever that is. Am I "normal" the rest of the day, or am I depressed? I don't know anymore because I don't trust my own assessment of my feelings. It's a very frustrating place to be,to not know if I'm normal Amanda or medicated Amanda. How can I be normal Amanda when I'm drugged to the hills? I take drugs to wake up, and I take drugs to sleep. I take drugs to slow me down, I take drugs to speed me up. I take drugs to stop my thoughts, I take drugs to make them race. Where is there possibly room for normal Amanda in there??

I hope one day, I can find myself again. I know I'm buried in here somewhere...

One Extreme to the Other

So I had my doctor's appointment today. I was dreading the appointment because I have been taking more than the prescribed amount of Concerta (I felt so good and wanted more). My mental health worker had told my doctor this yesterday, so I knew she knew what was going on.

She didn't yell at my which was amazing. However, she wanted to reduce my dose. She said I was high. Seriously? You have me the medication as an "upper" and now you say I'm too high?? I was pretty confused. I begged her not to reduce me to 36 mg (I was taking 54 mg). I told her that I was still drinking several cups of coffee per day in order to make my "high" last. She said that it came down to the pills, or the coffee. I wasn't allowed to have both. I really didn't want to give up the meds, so I agreed to stop the coffee. I'm honestly not sure I can though. I NEED to have my one cup (at least) per day in order to give me that "kick start".

Dr. Asti said she is still mindful of the fact that the specialist from Hamilton thinks I have bi-polar disorder. She doesn't want anything to make me too high in case I end up going manic. I told her that I WANTED to be manic and I didn't care if the pills were doing that to me. She said ethically she couldn't prescribe me something that knowingly made me high. I understand her position, but now I'm sort of stuck...I can't be too happy around her in case she thinks I'm overly high, and I can't be too down or else she'll think I'm still depressed. I don't know what to be anymore. She said what I am isn't "me", but I'm not sure she really know what I am like because she has only seen me severely depressed.

I told her that I am me, but "enhanced"...I feel better when I'm on Concerta than what (I can remember) I felt like "normal". She wants me to be realistic about what I expect from the drug, and she doesn't want people to start to expect me to be this new "normal" and forget what the real Amanda is like. Again, I can see where she is coming from, but all I want is to feel better. I want to feel GOOD again, I like the way I feel on Concerta and that feeling is addictive. I'm just chasing that high, chasing that feeling of happiness. I don't care if it's drug-induced, I've spent too much time feeling terrible to give this up now.

So she has agreed to let me stay on 54 mg for (what she prescribed) 90 days. I am to try and cut down on my sleeping pills (I take two) and cut out the caffeine so that I'm getting a realistic view of what the Concerta is doing in my body. Update about whether or not I can stick to that will come later. I figured I will give myself a few days and see where I end up. I will try my best.

Too Good to be True?

Today marks day 6 on Concerta. I am so hesitant to say how I'm feeling because I'm afraid it's too good to be true. There is no way that one single pill (after all that I've tried) could work this well for me. There is no way that this could last...maybe it's just the coffee I've been drinking with it, maybe I will become immune to its effects...and the list goes on. I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I want to blog my journey as it happens, meaning things could change from one day to another; and I'm not assuming that things will stay as I write them here. So there's my disclaimer for a happy post!

I have been feeling great. These pills have given me my joy back. I love being Adelyn's mom for the first time EVER. I am enjoying every second of being with her. I have the energy to do things with her and for her. My guilt somehow is disappearing - I don't worry if I'm doing enough for her, or if she's not developing correctly. I feel more confident in my parenting skills and the love that I'm giving her. I sing to her, I give her kisses and hugs, I laugh with her. I never had this before and I could almost cry as I write this because it's been such a long journey to this point.

The thing that has astounded me the most is that, for the past 6 days, Adelyn has been in an AMAZING mood- sooo hyper and fun to be around. Coincidence? She has never had such a long string of days in a good mood (I keep track of her moods along with my own). It is so amazing how she is affected by my mood, I didn't even realize it. I mean, she must be, considering that she's done such a turn around in the last week or so...or it could very well be my outlook on the situation that has changed things - maybe her mood hasn't changed at all. An interesting thought I guess. Whatever it is, I'm loving it!

Unfortunately there is a downside to all this happiness. I went against my doctor's orders and took more medication than was prescribed. Bad, I know. In my defense, I didn't take anything dangerous and I took only what she would have prescribed me this week anyway. I wanted to make the most of my appointment this week by letting her know what did and didn't work. She prescribed 36 mg and I took 54 mg. I still want more, which scares me a little. I know this stuff is addictive and I have to be careful. I would like for her to leave me at 72 mg but I don't know if she will prescribe that now that I have taken more than she wanted. It's hard because it makes me feel so good, so I just want more and more of this feeling and more and more of the drug. Hopefully she will prescribe what is right for me, and will keep me feeling good without overdoing it.

So here I sit now waiting for Angela- my student who is moving in today. She will be around for two weeks and then she's in school full -time (like very full time schedule!). I don't know how I feel about that...I was hoping she'd be around more and could provide me with some companionship, but it looks as though I'm on my own again :( I guess I will just have to wait it out and see how the first semester goes and how I adjust(and how she adjusts).

So life is good today. I want to enjoy every minute that I feel well because I know how fleeting those moments can be. I would like for there to be nothing but positive posts from here on out, but I can't be certain of anything. I'm grasping at hope that this is the drug for me and that it will have long-term benefits, not just a short term "high". I will update after my doctor's appointment to let everyone know where I stand on the drug issue. Wish me luck!