As Good As It Gets?

Talking about ECT with a few people today...I was faced with some hard questions. Mainly, why are you doing this? You'd think this would be a simple answer, but it's strangely complicated. I THINK I'm doing this to get better, but really - what is "better". Do I have the capacity to be better than I am? Is this as good as it gets?

I've said before, I don't know what normalcy is...I don't know what normal mothers experience on a daily basis. Have I reached "normal"? Are my thoughts/feelings/actions the same as every other mother in this world? I've decided to outline my current experience, so as to do a personal audit of my feelings, and to gauge whether or not there is room to grow.

I wake up in the morning to Adelyn talking. My first thoughts? Usually anxiety - how quickly can I get ready? What if she has to pee and I'm ignoring her? What if I'm doing some sort of psychological damage by letting her be lone and awake? I rush through getting ready - I don't take time to do anything special...makeup and hair are the same everyday, and are done as quick as possible. I don't care about my appearance near as much as I used to.

I (finally) am ready - it seems to take forever, but usually only 5-10 minutes. I open Adelyn's door and am greeted by a big smile and an enthusiastic "num num!". This is one of my happier moments, since Adelyn is such a morning person. I feel a little inkling of joy - something that should be commonplace in my life, but is actually quite rare.

I think about how soon Brittany will be up from downstairs. I have mini panic attacks about being alone with Adelyn - a feeling I have mostly gotten used to, but typing this out makes me realize that this is not okay. I feed Adelyn breakfast and I shovel it in as quick as possible, because I'm worried she will refuse to eat anymore. I don't let Adelyn feed herself because I am too anxious about the mess - I can't handle any extra work than the required minimum. Why would I make extra work for myself? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Brittany comes up from downstairs and I feel instant relief - now I can share the load with someone else. I'm no longer solely responsible for this little being. I can almost relax. We have our own breakfast and drink our coffee - one of the more calming experiences of my day. Adelyn plays while watching Disney Junior, and I don't feel guilty. But that is where it ends.

My guilt starts approx one hour after Adelyn wakes up - down to a science, I know. This is when I feel like she shouldn't be allowed to watch anymore TV, but yet I don't know what else to do with her. If Brittany is around I usually keep my guilt at bay by chatting and keeping my mind off of the fact that the TV is on. I start to panic about what to do with Adelyn during the day - I know I need to get out, but I don't feel like it. I know Adelyn needs to socialize, but I don't feel like it. It's not fair to her that we don't go out because of ME, since everything seems to revolve around ME. So I manage to force myself (out of guilt) to go to the Early Years Centre, or gymnastics, or something else.

Once I arrive somewhere, I can't wait to leave...I try to enjoy myself, but I can't. I just think about Adelyn crying, or getting sick of whatever we're doing, and how I'm going to handle that. I'm never in the "here and now" - I'm always living in the worst-case-scenario realm. What a terrible place to be. So, I force myself (again, out of guilt), to stay for at least an hour...I make that my goal. Put up with my urge to flee for an hour. Tick tick tick.

When I leave wherever I was, I feel instant relief, that lasts only momentarily...NOW what am I going to do with her?? I should have stayed longer....I could have put up with it longer. I'm alaways beating myself up. Usually by time this process is over, it's time for lunch...another stress for me. I make Adelyn what I know she will eat, and sometimes that's processed cheese. And then I feel guilty for not feeding her properly. If she refuses food I feel like it's my fault. It's something that I did to her, and that's why she's not eating. Now, I KNOW this is irrational, but I can't shut it off.

After lunch is nap time...the second most relaxing part of my day. Adelyn is a good sleeper so I know I can count on at least an hour "off". I try not to do anything during this time, because it is my only time to myself. So I take advantage of that, but that leads to me not getting anything done around the house. So then I feel guilty - are you getting the pattern??

When I hear Adelyn wake up I usually panic yet again - oh no, she's too early...she won't be in a good mood. Now I have to entertain her for longer, what are we going to do? I know I should take her for a walk but I don't want to go. I know I should read to her, or do something educational but I don't feel like it. I just want to sit on the couch and chat with Brittany, or veg. I have no motivation. Although I love watching Adelyn play and be happy, I don't love playing WITH her. I just like to watch. I relish the times that she plays independently and leaves me alone. But then I feel guilty.

And so the rest of the day goes...supper is another anxiety producing event, mainly because I feel guilty that she doesn't eat vegetables. Some days she doesn't eat anything. I try to shovel food in my face while also feeding her (because I don't want her to feed herself). I rarely truly enjoy my dinners, because I am so focused on her.

After dinner we usually go downstairs and have the TV on in the background. I don't feel AS guilty about this, because I feel like this is an appropriate time to watch TV. I am relatively relaxed because the events of the day are over, and I made it through another day alive. This is followed by bedtime, with which I usually put off because it means actually doing some work. Depression has made me super lazy. I manage to get through her bath routine, and bottle and books...then what I look forward to all day - a bedtime kiss. This kiss means so much to me. It means Adelyn actually loves me - it means I've gotten through another day - it means bedtime is coming and I can relax - it means she knows who mommy is - it means that I have been somewhat of a productive adult - it means so much. I look forward to it all day.

And so I assess my day...I think about all the housework I didn't get done. I try and figure out why I'm so lazy. I try and rationalize my activities of the day - I try to figure out why I let Adelyn watch so much TV. I beat myself black and blue inside. I measure myself up to everyone else...GOOD moms wouldn't let Adelyn be downstairs so much. GOOD moms would have done the laundry and cooked dinner. My comparisons are endless.

So there it is, a day in the life. So tell me, am I normal? I don't believe that I am, but as I said, I could be totally wrong...I really don't know. Is there room for improvement? Could ECT fix my guilt, my self-loathing? Or have I hit my plateau and I should just enjoy where I am at? So many questions that I know may go unanswered.

I Am Who I Am

This is me - this is what you get. I am a woman struggling with post partum depression. I am a woman struggling with mental illness. I am broken and torn apart. I can't change who I am, so why am I so ashamed of those at work finding out? I had a day today where I had to disclose my condition to a few people at work - and I caught myself being very embarrassed by my illness. Why? Because the stigma follows me wherever I go; people with mental illnesses are not as good as those who are healthy. Those with mental illness are "stupid" and "worthless". Here I am, advocating publicly on the internet about PPD, but yet I can't even talk about it in my workplace.

I am saddened by my weakness. I should know by now that I am who I am, and that is good enough. I am smart, I am good at my job. I love people and I am caring. I am capable of taking care of others, and I am not an invalid. I just wish others would realize the same thing.

At work I really want to be able to visit with people in the in-patient mental health unit during my lunch hour/after work. You cannot believe the hoops that I have to jump through in order to do this.I found myself becoming ashamed for asking to do this, and even now I feel regret over opening this can of worms. Now several people (some higher up) know about my struggle, and I am completely vulnerable. I feel like I opened up my chest to them, and at any time they can reach inside and tear out my heart. I just wanted to be a good person, and "give back", but now I feel silly that I went down this route. All I can hope is that I don't suffer repercussions in my job.

I would like to thank everyone for their kind works on my blog and through email/FB. I appreciate every single comment and opinion. I have been thinking very hard about the shock treatments. I am still scared out of my mind. I got a call today to tell me that my pre-op appointment is next Thursday, and my treatments start on Tuesday, November 8th. So close. I asked the nurse about the possibility of severe memory loss. She said she has never seen anyone with "severe" memory loss. That was a little encouraging. She said I would likely forget phone numbers and names. I am still extremely apprehensive, but I think that I will try a few treatments and then assess my memory and decide whether or not I can continue.

I will make sure to blog my journey through ECT...please continue to comment and follow.

Between a Shock and a Hard Place

I sit here, on my bed, facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life - alone. Greg is at work and I don't know where else to turn. I am torn up about the decision I have to make.

I had my appointment in Hamilton yesterday with Dr. Hasey - he concluded that I either have a) borderline personality disorder or b) bipolar disorder. He also concluded that the best course of treatment for me at this time would be Electroconvulsive Therapy (shock treatments). He explained to me how it would be administered and what the side effects were. He asked me if I would be willing to undergo these treatments, and off the cuff I said "yes". I signed the consent form and now here we are, off and running.

To back it up a little for those of you that don't know much about ECT; it is administered (in my case)on an out-patient basis. You have to arrive at 6:30 am to the hospital, at which point they would start an IV on you. They line you up in the hallway on stretchers, awaiting your treatment. Once in the OR they put you to sleep and give you a muscle relaxant that causes you to stop breathing. They put two electrodes on either temple, and exert an electric current through your brain, causing a seizure that lasts approx. 1 minute. Within a few more minutes you are breathing on your own again, and you wake up from the procedure.

Side effects to this treatment can be severe - including death (although not likely). One of the most important side effects to me, is the memory loss. It is said that you can lose your long term, and your short term memory. I could forget the birth of my daughter, or I could forget what I said 2 minutes ago. I could essentially lose my entire personality, as sometimes ECT "wipes you clean". I could be a zombie, and it could make my depression worse.

Now, these are the worst case scenario - but that's part of my reality if I choose to go through with this treatment. I just started my new job, and doing these treatments means that I might have to resign (I'd say a 50/50 chance). This is a big deal for our family...but so is my depression. I don't know what to do; what's more important. Do I want to continue living like I am, with little enjoyment of anything, but functioning at my job, or do I take the chance of ECT and potentially lose everything I have worked so hard for? I guess on the flip side, I could gain my life back if it works. There is always that possibility too.

I have made my blog public again so that I can get some opinions on this very very difficult decision. I know ultimately it is my family's decision, but input from friends and even strangers, would be most appreciated as well.

What do you think I should do? What would you do if you were me? I'm tired of living this way, and I want to move on with my life. I'm desperate for SOMETHING to work...please Lord, just SOMETHING.

So now here I will sit - on my bed - waiting for someone to tell me something that I need to hear. I will lay down, trying to sleep, but unable to take my mind off this extremely difficult decision. I will pray, asking God to show me the right path. I will toss and turn, toss and turn, toss and turn. This could go on for weeks, possibly months, depending on what I decide. If you're reading this, please know that any input you have (if even just a kind word), would help me immensely right now.

So here I sit...

Learning Curve

I'm learning a lot these days. First of all,I have started my new job (yay)! Things seem to be going really well, and I'm excited for the opportunity that this has brought me. I work with some really great people and patients, so that makes things easier. I am struggling with my motivation though; it is hard to find the "oomph" to get myself to smile big and be happy for work. I don't necessarily feel depressed, just flat - so smiling can be a stretch sometimes. But I HAVE to have a smile for my job, so I plaster it on and away I go. I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to know for my job (like dietary considerations), for each patient. I hope that as time goes by, it will get easier.

Another things I am learning,is how to live this new life of mine. I am learning to live in "normalcy". I have been stable (or what I consider stable) since the beginning of October, and I'm finding it hard to reconnect with my old self, and to determine where I go from here - what kind of human being I'm going to be. As I said above, I no longer feel "depressed", but I do lack emotion, which isn't very nice either. However, I would take lack of emotion out of the two any day. When I have a bad moment, like I'm frustrated or upset, I have to remind myself that NORMAL people feel these things too, it is not because I am sick. I was a procrastinator before I had Adelyn, so how can I pin that as a symptom of my PPD? I am constantly reminding myself that to feel these emotions is normal and healthy, and this really keeps me on an even keel. I am so blessed to be looking at things from "the other side" and I sure do like what I see in my future now. I am enjoying Adelyn more, and I feel the love inside me growing beyond what my heart can hold. Sometimes now I just stare at her and admire the beautiful being that she is, and stand in awe that I was the one that brought her into this world.

On the topic of Adelyn, we are also experiencing another learning curve with the little one. She is potty training! Yes, I know this is early, but I have a family member who has inspired me to try this out. So far (it has only been a week and a day), she will pee and poop on the potty all throughout the day, and now will pee on command (as opposed to waiting there with her for 30- 60 mins!). She has told me once that she had to pee, and then went...which I am beyond thrilled about! I am so proud of my little missy, I can't even tell you. Each day of potty training has its ups and downs, but I am enjoying the ride with this amazing little girl. Here's hoping that she will continue to progress and get better and better at this new skill!

To update you on some "housekeeping" matters...I am still on Wellbutrin 300 mg, and I credit this drug with helping me to come around. Nothing short of a miracle in my books. I have a specialist appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Hasey in Hamilton..he will assess my meds and give me a more clear diagnosis (hopefully). I will be able to talk with him about the possibility of me having more children, and what my prognosis is. Also on that day, I have a meeting with FACS to look at where I am, and how far I've come- and hopefully to talk about discharge from their service. I pray that this meeting will go well, and that the outcome will be appropriate to the situation.

Land of Uncertainty

I'm in a strange spot these days; I never know what is going to come when I wake up. Each hour is an interesting development, which leads to an equally interesting day. "Interesting" is not necessarily good or bad, it just "is". But I never know what is on its way...am I going to be in a good mood? Bad mood? Am I going to have strange thoughts? Will I want to die? Sounds like peculiar questions but it is what I ask myself every hour of every day.

I have been feeling more stable lately, which is such a blessing. Even still, I live in the land of uncertainty - never knowing if and when my symptoms will rear their ugly heads. I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing if I'm going to relapse yet again. I have gone down this road too many times to count, how do I know this time is for real? How do I know how much of this "life" I have left before it is torn away from me? Questions, questions. That no one can answer (except for God).

So what does "stable" look like for me? Well, I haven't had thoughts of suicide or of hurting Adelyn in a few weeks. This is very important in my recovery. I can also tolerate Adelyn better than before, I have less anxiety surrounding her crying and bad moods. I'm able to get up and get out of the house, instead of wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. This is what stable looks like. Not all that impressive, but, in comparison, it is pretty incredible.

What is my measure for recovery? I was asked this today by my mental health nurse. What does it mean to be well, Amanda? What does that look like? I told her that I want to take care of Adelyn full time; no longer needing a nanny to be with me, and able to function like a "normal" mother. I use normal loosely. Basically that is how I measure success right now- being able to care for Adelyn. It is so frustrating that this comes so easily for most women...I just don't understand it. It's as if I am trying to run with one leg - it just can't be done. And I'm beating myself up over and over again for not being able to run this race. I need to get over that I think. Easier said than done.

On another note, I start my job next week - another area of uncertainty for me. Can I handle it? I have no idea. And I won't know until I get there. I had to go for an occupational health assessment a few days ago, and I had to reveal my medications and hospitalizations. I was so embarrassed, which never happens. I'm just so afraid of being judged before I walk in that door. I don't want anyone at the hospital knowing my history; I don't want to be watched - that's what ruined it for me last time. I'm just praying that this time will actually work, for a few reasons 1) we need the extra money to pay off some bills 2) it is my dream job and 3) because I WANT it to work and can't take the possibility of failure. I will update here after my first shift, to let all of you know how things went.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I enjoyed some time up north with family. Here's to counting our blessings; not just on Thanksgiving, but every day.

The Ebb and Flow

My illness has been a long road of ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I've had many more downs than I can count, but can count the highs on one hand. Going into this Thanksgiving weekend, I am blessed to look back on last year and realize how truly far I've come. Last year at this time I was cutting up my wrists and being shipped to the Welland hospital via ambulance. How truly far I have come.

Now, saying that I have come a long way is definitely bittersweet. I say that because I don't know for a fact that this is "better". I see this as just a high, which will be followed by yet another low. I have a hard time enjoying the ride because I know what happens every time; I crash inevitably. When is this crash going to come? Do I have a few days, a few weeks, a few months? How low will I go? Will I become suicidal again? The questions just made my head and heart ache.

I was told yesterday that living in emotional chaos is indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder. That made me go "hmmm". This has been brought up before (by my doctor) but nothing was ever solidified as a diagnosis. This nurse seems to believe that I have BPD and now she has me thinking about this again. The thought of this is depressing though, because BPD is essentially untreatable with medication. You can treat the symptoms of the disorder (like depression) but you can't treat the disorder itself. That's a scary thought. I am going to see another specialist at the end of the month and I hope that maybe he will have some intelligent insight into what is actually wrong with me.

For a moment I am going to try to enjoy this period of time, however short it may be. I am soaking in Adelyn and her cuteness - I am relishing being able to do things with her that I actually enjoy. I went for a walk today and took a second to breathe in the crisp fall air, and felt joy. I think about my future and I am hopeful; being able to say with some certainty that there is more to life than this. I know that I will not die from this, and that I may even be able to fully live again. I'm grasping at these moments and trying to process them as completely as possible. Someday soon they might be gone, but for now, I am content with being me.

Thankful for the Unthinkable

I'm feeling very thankful today...I've been thinking a lot about what has come from this experience, and although it has been horrible, I have received a lot of blessings as well. I thought I would use this post to show that good things can come from hopeless situations.

A stronger marriage - I am thankful for Greg and the way he has supported me through everything. If we can get through this, and 6 months of separation due to hospitalizations, we can get through anything. I love him more than anything, and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here.

A great support system - I have SO many people that have rallied around me to support me through this illness. My in-laws have been amazing, letting us stay there for a few months when we needed it. My sister has been a wonderful support, as well as the rest of my family. I am also fortunate to have great services in place, like IMPACT, Community Mental Health, Public Health, and (believe it or not) FACS. All these services have allowed me to stay in my own home, and work on practical problems.

Chelsea (and now her sister) - this has allowed me to get my life back. Having the resources to pay for a nanny was a humongous blessing, and it was worth every penny. Without having a live in caregiver, I would not have been able to function at home. I am thankful everyday that we found such a wonderful person to live with us, and I look forward to having her sister stay with us now.

My house cleaner- again, having the resources to pay for a house cleaner has been amazing for my recovery. I no longer have to guilt myself about not keeping the house spotless - this guilt was wearing away at me every day. Now I have peace of mind knowing that it will be cleaned thoroughly every other week, and that I just have to maintain during the rest of the time.

Dr. Asti - my doctor is extremely involved in my care, and really , truly, does care about my recovery. A good doctor like that is hard to find (VERY hard to find actually). I am fortunate to get to see her every week, and to have someone available when I need them (most of the time). I count my lucky starts almost daily because I have Dr. Asti.

The opportunity to raise awareness of PPD - I think this is the biggest benefit of my entire experience. Getting to teach others about the risks and dangers of this illness has brought me so much satisfaction; something I haven't gotten with anything else before. I continue to speak to pre-natal classes, as well as infant massage classes. I hope to expand my target audience by finding more avenues to speak, as I really really enjoy it. If anyone out there knows of an audience that would benefit from some information on PPD, please tell me and I would be happy to volunteer my time to come and share my experience.

Well, that is all I can think of right now(this is good that I can even think positively at all!). I know there are other benefits to my situation, but, when I think of them, I will put those in another post :)I don't even know why I was thinking about my blessings today...I guess the Wellbutrin is doing something inside that brain of mine! I'd like to think that all of this wasn't in vain, but rather a stepping stone to something else, a higher purpose perhaps.