Getting Back into the Swing of Things

So, I have been neglectful the past few months, and I bet I have lost a few avid readers. I apologize for my absence, I really felt as though I had nothing valuable to write, as I was STILL struggling with the same old things. Nobody wants to hear about my continual struggles, I thought. I'm not worth blogging about. It's useless because no one reads this anwyays. A few things that were running through my head. But now, as I am emerging from a dark place, I realize that I need to speak up for others who are experiencing PPD - I need to be a light at the end of the tunnel for those that are suffering. I have a passion for helping others, and this will be my outlet. So, please, find refuge here. Now to update everyone regarding my condition since my stint at Singing Waters. I was maintaining the status quo if you could say that. My medications were doing "something" but not everything. I was still VERY anxious about Adelyn and about taking care of her. I couldn't imagine taking her places on my own, or being in charge of her well-being. I was super fatigued and could barely function. I thought this was a result of the medications, and a side effect that I had to deal with. I didn't even realize how tired I actually was, because I have lived like this for the past 2 years. Tired was normal. Unfortunately, being so tired all the time just increased my anxiety because I knew I couldn't deal with Adelyn on my own - I just didn't have the energy. I was beginning to think that this would never, ever, ever end. I mean, TWO YEARS?! Seriously? Websites that talk about PPD say that "PPD can last a few weeks, or even up to a year" - making it sound like a year was the cut off point. This is part of the reason why I'm making my struggle public again - to dispell the myth that PPD has an end date. This is not true (sorry to say), but it's not. PPD lasts as long as it wants to, which can possibly last more than the aforementioned "year". I know this in itself is even more depressing to those that are suffering, but the hope still remains that this WILL end - whether it be after a few weeks, or a few years. You WILL be normal again. Whatever version of "normal" that may be. In comparison to a year ago, I am doing wonderfully - no thoughts of suicide or hurting Adelyn. Just a lingering, ever-present, anxiety over being a mother. The sight of a newborn made me nauseous and brought back flackbacks. The sound of crying would throw me into a panic, knowing how hard that time of my life was. I still felt "on the outside" of everything - I would go to the park and feel like the odd woman out. I was no where near those other mothers. I was different. If only people knew what I had been though, and they would never talk to me. If only they knew how I felt at this moment, they would shun me. I was constantly afraid that I would be "found out", and therefore I distanced myself from everyone. Which then reinforced the fact that I was different, because I had no mom friends. I was alienated by my own doing. Not to mention the fact that I always had a nanny in tow. What a way to make me feel like an outsider. People that didn't know my struggle would look at me (I'm sure) and think - "wow, well laddy-da, I wish I could afford a nanny". I'm sure I was looked at like a rich b*tch who couldn't handle her child on her own. That's just my impression anyways. Maybe I'm wrong. But again, just another factor that added to my alienation amongst other mothers. So there I was, plodding along, learning to manage life (with help) and panicking about how I was going to live life without Brittany, who I knew needed to leave at SOME point. I went to my (awesome) doctor, Dr. Asti, and she of course asked how I was doing. She asked if I was tired (I must have looked utterly gorgeous at that moment, and I said "I'm always tired". I told her tired was normal. She was immediately flagged to my thyroid function. I was sent for bloodwork (which had been done in the past as well). So I went the next day...and not even 48 hours received a call back from my family doctor saying I needed to come in right away. Apparently my TSH levels were really high, which means you are hypothyroid. A lightbulb went off in my head. You mean there's a REASON for my fatigue? This isnt' something I have to live with for the rest of my life?! I was so incredibly happy that I was diagnosed with this chronic illness. Hypothyroid. It seemed like an answer to prayer. My doctor sent me off with a prescription of Synthroid, a synthetic thyroid hormone, and said I would feel "great in a week". I didn't quite believe that it would only take a week, as some people have said as much as 6 weeks, but I was still optimistic. So, with renewed hope, I popped my first pill and prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Then, a few days later, something happened. I felt good. I had energy. I wanted to spend time with Adelyn and I felt "happy". I described it like the commercial that says "Claritin clear" - I felt like a fog was pulled away from the colours of my life and I could once again see clearly. The sky was brighter, my love was stronger. It was amazing. Now, I'm not going to go as far as to say that "I'm cured", but this is the most normal I have felt in the last two years. The transformation is something I can't even describe by typing it out. My anxiety is almost gone - I feel capable and confident. I see Adelyn as a little person who is worthy of my love and attention. I ask for more hugs and kisses, and I get them! I tell her I love her all the time, and she says "I wuv you Mommy". My heart fills and overflows. Even as I write this, I want to smile out of the joy that is motherhood. What? Did I just says that?? Yes, the JOY of MOTHERHOOD. I get it now. I really get it. I never understood why people could have two, three, four - children. That baffled me, truly. But now I understand - being a mother is a blessing, and each child is a gift. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where the effects of the depression rear its ugly head, but these times are less and less. I have been blessed that this "chronic illness" which is hypothyroidism has evolved into a magic pill for me to swallow. Have I had low thyroid this entire time? That question can't help but be prominent in my mind. I've read a lot about postpartum thyroid problems and how they can mimic the symptoms of PPD. My thyroid levels WERE checked a few times, but I wonder how "normal" they were - perhaps they appeared normal on paper, but were not normal for me? All these questions that might never have an answer. All I know is, this thyroid hormone has unlocked a door that has been dead-bolted since Adelyn's birth. I've opened it and have been greeted with unabounding rays of sunshine. Now all I can do is bask in it. I know I will continue to have challenges, and I intend on talking about them here. My road is still going to be a bumpy one and I don't want anyone thinking that you can just "turn off" your PPD and never feel any aftershocks. I want to speak out about PPD and let everyone know that this is NORMAL, not abnormal, to feel these things after a baby is born. You are NOT alone and there IS hope. I want to help others in any way that I can - I have a story to tell and I want to inspire others to keep going, keep fighting. It's worth it.