So in my previous post I mentioned that I was feeling "let down" by the Concerta, and that I didn't feel like it was working anymore. Well, things just went downhill from there, day by day. On Monday night I started feeling very "off"...all of a sudden the violent thoughts came back. I had urges to smother Adelyn, or visions of her being cut by a knife. I couldn't take her crying; it would bring on more violent thoughts. I wanted to cut myself...I had so much inner agitation that I couldn't sleep.
My thoughts were racing a million miles per minute and I couldn't slow them down, I knew something was going seriously wrong. I did a little research and found out that stopping Abilify cold turkey (like I did) can cause a rapid return of psychotic and depressive symptoms. It also said that it takes a week to two weeks for Abilify to leave your system...so it was just on its way out for me. It just made sense - I was experiencing withdrawal from the Abilify (not that the Concerta had stopped working).
I was desperate to get more meds...I couldn't leave this alone or I was going to hurt myself or someone else. I felt out of control. Unfortunately my doctor was away on vacation so this left me with few options. I considered going to my family doctor, but realized that he would probably just send me to the emerg anyways. So, I took myself to the ER.
I'm used to the process of getting to see the psychiatrist on call...go to triage, wait for crisis nurse, wait for ER doctor, wait for psychiatrist. So I had to tell my story 4 times over. I told them I had thoughts of hurting myself and Adelyn..that they were intrusive and I couldn't stop them. Well, apparently this was reason enough to admit me, so that's what the ER doctor did. He put me on a Form 1, stating that I could not leave. I was so scared- I couldn't go into the hospital AGAIN. I just couldn't.
Luckily I knew the psychiatrist on call (and he was familiar with me and my thought patterns), and he reversed the Form 1 and let me leave with a prescription for Abilify. He was surprised my doctor would take me off an antipsychotic cold turkey...if only we had known this would happen :(
So now I have had two doses of Abilify, and I'm still clearly in withdrawal mode. I am detached and despondent. I don't want to do ANYTHING...I'm extremely lazy. I'm finding it hard to function like a normal human being. I'm praying that by taking the Abilify that I will feel like I did when I first started taking Concerta - happy and enjoying life. It was such a tease, feeling good for those few days. So cruel, when I think about it.
Yet another bump in the road.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A Beautiful Letdown
I feel like I ride this medication rollercoaster all the time. I start a new med and it's great, great, great for a few weeks, then it seems to peter out. I'm a little afraid that that is what is happening to me on Concerta. I have cut down my coffee to one per day, so maybe that has something to do with it.
In the morning I wake up happy- I sing in the bathroom, I sing to Adelyn when I go into her room, I literally float around the house. I drink my coffee shortly after, then I have an hour, maybe two, where I feel great. Then it all seems to dissipate from there...I don't know if it's because the caffeine causes me to crash, or because the Concerta is wearing off earlier than it should (it is SUPPOSED to last 12 hours). My preference would be to continue drinking coffee throughout the day, but I promised Dr. Asti I would try to cut down.
I'm really having a hard time trying to decipher what is causing me to feel "down" (nothing compared to where I have been, mind you). I feel like maybe because the high I feel in the morning is so drastic, that in the afternoon I feel like what I am feeling is "depressed"...? It's all in comparison. I want so badly to feel that high all day, that when it disappears I feel very letdown. A non-stop rollercoaster of emotions.
And alas I continue the pursuit of normalcy, whatever that is. Am I "normal" the rest of the day, or am I depressed? I don't know anymore because I don't trust my own assessment of my feelings. It's a very frustrating place to be,to not know if I'm normal Amanda or medicated Amanda. How can I be normal Amanda when I'm drugged to the hills? I take drugs to wake up, and I take drugs to sleep. I take drugs to slow me down, I take drugs to speed me up. I take drugs to stop my thoughts, I take drugs to make them race. Where is there possibly room for normal Amanda in there??
I hope one day, I can find myself again. I know I'm buried in here somewhere...
In the morning I wake up happy- I sing in the bathroom, I sing to Adelyn when I go into her room, I literally float around the house. I drink my coffee shortly after, then I have an hour, maybe two, where I feel great. Then it all seems to dissipate from there...I don't know if it's because the caffeine causes me to crash, or because the Concerta is wearing off earlier than it should (it is SUPPOSED to last 12 hours). My preference would be to continue drinking coffee throughout the day, but I promised Dr. Asti I would try to cut down.
I'm really having a hard time trying to decipher what is causing me to feel "down" (nothing compared to where I have been, mind you). I feel like maybe because the high I feel in the morning is so drastic, that in the afternoon I feel like what I am feeling is "depressed"...? It's all in comparison. I want so badly to feel that high all day, that when it disappears I feel very letdown. A non-stop rollercoaster of emotions.
And alas I continue the pursuit of normalcy, whatever that is. Am I "normal" the rest of the day, or am I depressed? I don't know anymore because I don't trust my own assessment of my feelings. It's a very frustrating place to be,to not know if I'm normal Amanda or medicated Amanda. How can I be normal Amanda when I'm drugged to the hills? I take drugs to wake up, and I take drugs to sleep. I take drugs to slow me down, I take drugs to speed me up. I take drugs to stop my thoughts, I take drugs to make them race. Where is there possibly room for normal Amanda in there??
I hope one day, I can find myself again. I know I'm buried in here somewhere...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
One Extreme to the Other
So I had my doctor's appointment today. I was dreading the appointment because I have been taking more than the prescribed amount of Concerta (I felt so good and wanted more). My mental health worker had told my doctor this yesterday, so I knew she knew what was going on.
She didn't yell at my which was amazing. However, she wanted to reduce my dose. She said I was high. Seriously? You have me the medication as an "upper" and now you say I'm too high?? I was pretty confused. I begged her not to reduce me to 36 mg (I was taking 54 mg). I told her that I was still drinking several cups of coffee per day in order to make my "high" last. She said that it came down to the pills, or the coffee. I wasn't allowed to have both. I really didn't want to give up the meds, so I agreed to stop the coffee. I'm honestly not sure I can though. I NEED to have my one cup (at least) per day in order to give me that "kick start".
Dr. Asti said she is still mindful of the fact that the specialist from Hamilton thinks I have bi-polar disorder. She doesn't want anything to make me too high in case I end up going manic. I told her that I WANTED to be manic and I didn't care if the pills were doing that to me. She said ethically she couldn't prescribe me something that knowingly made me high. I understand her position, but now I'm sort of stuck...I can't be too happy around her in case she thinks I'm overly high, and I can't be too down or else she'll think I'm still depressed. I don't know what to be anymore. She said what I am isn't "me", but I'm not sure she really know what I am like because she has only seen me severely depressed.
I told her that I am me, but "enhanced"...I feel better when I'm on Concerta than what (I can remember) I felt like "normal". She wants me to be realistic about what I expect from the drug, and she doesn't want people to start to expect me to be this new "normal" and forget what the real Amanda is like. Again, I can see where she is coming from, but all I want is to feel better. I want to feel GOOD again, I like the way I feel on Concerta and that feeling is addictive. I'm just chasing that high, chasing that feeling of happiness. I don't care if it's drug-induced, I've spent too much time feeling terrible to give this up now.
So she has agreed to let me stay on 54 mg for (what she prescribed) 90 days. I am to try and cut down on my sleeping pills (I take two) and cut out the caffeine so that I'm getting a realistic view of what the Concerta is doing in my body. Update about whether or not I can stick to that will come later. I figured I will give myself a few days and see where I end up. I will try my best.
She didn't yell at my which was amazing. However, she wanted to reduce my dose. She said I was high. Seriously? You have me the medication as an "upper" and now you say I'm too high?? I was pretty confused. I begged her not to reduce me to 36 mg (I was taking 54 mg). I told her that I was still drinking several cups of coffee per day in order to make my "high" last. She said that it came down to the pills, or the coffee. I wasn't allowed to have both. I really didn't want to give up the meds, so I agreed to stop the coffee. I'm honestly not sure I can though. I NEED to have my one cup (at least) per day in order to give me that "kick start".
Dr. Asti said she is still mindful of the fact that the specialist from Hamilton thinks I have bi-polar disorder. She doesn't want anything to make me too high in case I end up going manic. I told her that I WANTED to be manic and I didn't care if the pills were doing that to me. She said ethically she couldn't prescribe me something that knowingly made me high. I understand her position, but now I'm sort of stuck...I can't be too happy around her in case she thinks I'm overly high, and I can't be too down or else she'll think I'm still depressed. I don't know what to be anymore. She said what I am isn't "me", but I'm not sure she really know what I am like because she has only seen me severely depressed.
I told her that I am me, but "enhanced"...I feel better when I'm on Concerta than what (I can remember) I felt like "normal". She wants me to be realistic about what I expect from the drug, and she doesn't want people to start to expect me to be this new "normal" and forget what the real Amanda is like. Again, I can see where she is coming from, but all I want is to feel better. I want to feel GOOD again, I like the way I feel on Concerta and that feeling is addictive. I'm just chasing that high, chasing that feeling of happiness. I don't care if it's drug-induced, I've spent too much time feeling terrible to give this up now.
So she has agreed to let me stay on 54 mg for (what she prescribed) 90 days. I am to try and cut down on my sleeping pills (I take two) and cut out the caffeine so that I'm getting a realistic view of what the Concerta is doing in my body. Update about whether or not I can stick to that will come later. I figured I will give myself a few days and see where I end up. I will try my best.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Too Good to be True?
Today marks day 6 on Concerta. I am so hesitant to say how I'm feeling because I'm afraid it's too good to be true. There is no way that one single pill (after all that I've tried) could work this well for me. There is no way that this could last...maybe it's just the coffee I've been drinking with it, maybe I will become immune to its effects...and the list goes on. I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I want to blog my journey as it happens, meaning things could change from one day to another; and I'm not assuming that things will stay as I write them here. So there's my disclaimer for a happy post!
I have been feeling great. These pills have given me my joy back. I love being Adelyn's mom for the first time EVER. I am enjoying every second of being with her. I have the energy to do things with her and for her. My guilt somehow is disappearing - I don't worry if I'm doing enough for her, or if she's not developing correctly. I feel more confident in my parenting skills and the love that I'm giving her. I sing to her, I give her kisses and hugs, I laugh with her. I never had this before and I could almost cry as I write this because it's been such a long journey to this point.
The thing that has astounded me the most is that, for the past 6 days, Adelyn has been in an AMAZING mood- sooo hyper and fun to be around. Coincidence? She has never had such a long string of days in a good mood (I keep track of her moods along with my own). It is so amazing how she is affected by my mood, I didn't even realize it. I mean, she must be, considering that she's done such a turn around in the last week or so...or it could very well be my outlook on the situation that has changed things - maybe her mood hasn't changed at all. An interesting thought I guess. Whatever it is, I'm loving it!
Unfortunately there is a downside to all this happiness. I went against my doctor's orders and took more medication than was prescribed. Bad, I know. In my defense, I didn't take anything dangerous and I took only what she would have prescribed me this week anyway. I wanted to make the most of my appointment this week by letting her know what did and didn't work. She prescribed 36 mg and I took 54 mg. I still want more, which scares me a little. I know this stuff is addictive and I have to be careful. I would like for her to leave me at 72 mg but I don't know if she will prescribe that now that I have taken more than she wanted. It's hard because it makes me feel so good, so I just want more and more of this feeling and more and more of the drug. Hopefully she will prescribe what is right for me, and will keep me feeling good without overdoing it.
So here I sit now waiting for Angela- my student who is moving in today. She will be around for two weeks and then she's in school full -time (like very full time schedule!). I don't know how I feel about that...I was hoping she'd be around more and could provide me with some companionship, but it looks as though I'm on my own again :( I guess I will just have to wait it out and see how the first semester goes and how I adjust(and how she adjusts).
So life is good today. I want to enjoy every minute that I feel well because I know how fleeting those moments can be. I would like for there to be nothing but positive posts from here on out, but I can't be certain of anything. I'm grasping at hope that this is the drug for me and that it will have long-term benefits, not just a short term "high". I will update after my doctor's appointment to let everyone know where I stand on the drug issue. Wish me luck!
I have been feeling great. These pills have given me my joy back. I love being Adelyn's mom for the first time EVER. I am enjoying every second of being with her. I have the energy to do things with her and for her. My guilt somehow is disappearing - I don't worry if I'm doing enough for her, or if she's not developing correctly. I feel more confident in my parenting skills and the love that I'm giving her. I sing to her, I give her kisses and hugs, I laugh with her. I never had this before and I could almost cry as I write this because it's been such a long journey to this point.
The thing that has astounded me the most is that, for the past 6 days, Adelyn has been in an AMAZING mood- sooo hyper and fun to be around. Coincidence? She has never had such a long string of days in a good mood (I keep track of her moods along with my own). It is so amazing how she is affected by my mood, I didn't even realize it. I mean, she must be, considering that she's done such a turn around in the last week or so...or it could very well be my outlook on the situation that has changed things - maybe her mood hasn't changed at all. An interesting thought I guess. Whatever it is, I'm loving it!
Unfortunately there is a downside to all this happiness. I went against my doctor's orders and took more medication than was prescribed. Bad, I know. In my defense, I didn't take anything dangerous and I took only what she would have prescribed me this week anyway. I wanted to make the most of my appointment this week by letting her know what did and didn't work. She prescribed 36 mg and I took 54 mg. I still want more, which scares me a little. I know this stuff is addictive and I have to be careful. I would like for her to leave me at 72 mg but I don't know if she will prescribe that now that I have taken more than she wanted. It's hard because it makes me feel so good, so I just want more and more of this feeling and more and more of the drug. Hopefully she will prescribe what is right for me, and will keep me feeling good without overdoing it.
So here I sit now waiting for Angela- my student who is moving in today. She will be around for two weeks and then she's in school full -time (like very full time schedule!). I don't know how I feel about that...I was hoping she'd be around more and could provide me with some companionship, but it looks as though I'm on my own again :( I guess I will just have to wait it out and see how the first semester goes and how I adjust(and how she adjusts).
So life is good today. I want to enjoy every minute that I feel well because I know how fleeting those moments can be. I would like for there to be nothing but positive posts from here on out, but I can't be certain of anything. I'm grasping at hope that this is the drug for me and that it will have long-term benefits, not just a short term "high". I will update after my doctor's appointment to let everyone know where I stand on the drug issue. Wish me luck!
Friday, August 19, 2011
What Makes Me a Better Mom
I had a really good day yesterday. I rated it as an 8.5 - my highest rating since this whole thing started. Today, I'm reflecting on what made me a better mom yesterday,and so far is working for me today. Granted it's only one day (and a bit), but it has been such a high for me that I feel like it's worth talking about.
Yesterday was my first day on Concerta (ritalin). I took it at 8am and by 9am was feeling some effects (yes, this is possible, and how it's supposed to work). I felt a little buzzed, like I had had too much coffee (I had only had one cup...my usual). I had more energy and felt like interacting more with Adelyn. I felt a little "spun" but it wasn't overly unpleasant. I welcomed the change from not wanting to do anything at all. Then I drank another cup of coffee...maybe not such a great decision only because it may have masked the effects of the Concerta a little.
Another change I made yesterday that I think made a huge difference was that I have my laptop back (Chelsea had it previously), and I put it upstairs where I could check in on Facebook, etc. during the day. Seems like not a big deal but this means two things- 1. that I'm not sitting in the basement all day and 2. Adelyn doesn't watch TV all day and I don't feel guilty. Sitting upstairs was such a boost for me mentally that I was shocked at how much of a difference it made. As I type I am sitting upstairs on my couch watching Adelyn play with her blocks. It's amazing.
So there are the two things that are making me a better mom today - Concerta and a laptop. Who knew? Some times it can be the simplest things that make the biggest difference.
Now, I still have things that I have to work on, specifically getting out of the house. I now have the energy to get out, but my motivation is still a little low. When Adelyn is happy playing inside I wonder what the point of leaving is? I enjoy staying at home with her but I know that she needs to get out for her own sake. Maybe I will venture out to the park today (now that she's walking it might be more fun).
Thanks again to everyone for following my journey, it means a lot to me. Thanks for celebrating the highs and for supporting me in the lows.
Yesterday was my first day on Concerta (ritalin). I took it at 8am and by 9am was feeling some effects (yes, this is possible, and how it's supposed to work). I felt a little buzzed, like I had had too much coffee (I had only had one cup...my usual). I had more energy and felt like interacting more with Adelyn. I felt a little "spun" but it wasn't overly unpleasant. I welcomed the change from not wanting to do anything at all. Then I drank another cup of coffee...maybe not such a great decision only because it may have masked the effects of the Concerta a little.
Another change I made yesterday that I think made a huge difference was that I have my laptop back (Chelsea had it previously), and I put it upstairs where I could check in on Facebook, etc. during the day. Seems like not a big deal but this means two things- 1. that I'm not sitting in the basement all day and 2. Adelyn doesn't watch TV all day and I don't feel guilty. Sitting upstairs was such a boost for me mentally that I was shocked at how much of a difference it made. As I type I am sitting upstairs on my couch watching Adelyn play with her blocks. It's amazing.
So there are the two things that are making me a better mom today - Concerta and a laptop. Who knew? Some times it can be the simplest things that make the biggest difference.
Now, I still have things that I have to work on, specifically getting out of the house. I now have the energy to get out, but my motivation is still a little low. When Adelyn is happy playing inside I wonder what the point of leaving is? I enjoy staying at home with her but I know that she needs to get out for her own sake. Maybe I will venture out to the park today (now that she's walking it might be more fun).
Thanks again to everyone for following my journey, it means a lot to me. Thanks for celebrating the highs and for supporting me in the lows.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Rich Man's Ritalin
So I have something that I've been trying very hard to hide...I'm lazy. I have no motivation to do anything. I've been trying to hide this from everyone, including Greg. I've pretended to be self-motivated and to look like I care about getting things done, but I really don't. I hate it. I want to WANT to do things...not have to drag myself through my days - what a terrible feeling.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and told her how I've been feeling. Very surprisingly she came up with a suggestion that I didn't see coming - Ritalin. Well, Concerta to be exact. That's right, the same medication used to treat children with ADD/ADHD is what she prescribed me. But hey, right now I'm willing to try anything...so I said I would give it a go. She explained to me that Concerta gives you a "kick" and that it's similar to a caffeine high (without the gut rot!). She said it should give me more motivation to do things during the day, and keep my energy level up. Sounds good to me. I start the pill tomorrow and apparently it only takes a few doses before you notice a difference (which is great, unlike your typical anti-depressants).
Unfortunately with this new medication comes time to say goodbye to another...so I'm dropping my Abilify. I still think the Abilify has helped me tremedously, but something had to do. She has warned me that my mood might tank initially so I have to watch out for that. I'm very nervous and even more nervous because a side effect of Concerta is anxiety (great, just what I need...). I guess only time will tell!
The days without Chelsea have been rough...I have no motivation to do anything so I just end up sitting inside all day with a cranky baby. Not fun by anyone's standards. It's hard because I want to go out, but then I don't. And so it goes, back and forth, back and forth. Then the guilt trip starts and it makes me feel even worse. I wish I had a way to just shut it off, but I can't.
Our student, Angela, is moving in in less than a week, so my doctor has encouraged me to hang in there until then - then see how things go with someone else in the house. We'll see if that helps. If not Chelsea might be moving back in on an air mattress in our basement!
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and told her how I've been feeling. Very surprisingly she came up with a suggestion that I didn't see coming - Ritalin. Well, Concerta to be exact. That's right, the same medication used to treat children with ADD/ADHD is what she prescribed me. But hey, right now I'm willing to try anything...so I said I would give it a go. She explained to me that Concerta gives you a "kick" and that it's similar to a caffeine high (without the gut rot!). She said it should give me more motivation to do things during the day, and keep my energy level up. Sounds good to me. I start the pill tomorrow and apparently it only takes a few doses before you notice a difference (which is great, unlike your typical anti-depressants).
Unfortunately with this new medication comes time to say goodbye to another...so I'm dropping my Abilify. I still think the Abilify has helped me tremedously, but something had to do. She has warned me that my mood might tank initially so I have to watch out for that. I'm very nervous and even more nervous because a side effect of Concerta is anxiety (great, just what I need...). I guess only time will tell!
The days without Chelsea have been rough...I have no motivation to do anything so I just end up sitting inside all day with a cranky baby. Not fun by anyone's standards. It's hard because I want to go out, but then I don't. And so it goes, back and forth, back and forth. Then the guilt trip starts and it makes me feel even worse. I wish I had a way to just shut it off, but I can't.
Our student, Angela, is moving in in less than a week, so my doctor has encouraged me to hang in there until then - then see how things go with someone else in the house. We'll see if that helps. If not Chelsea might be moving back in on an air mattress in our basement!
Monday, August 15, 2011
The Next Step
I'm sorry for not updating recently! We were on vacation on my blogging just fell by the wayside. Now I just need to jam-pack this post with all the updates as to what I've been doing!
First of all, I have been doing (I think) pretty well - I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety but that is nothing new for me. I have a lot of anxiety over what to do with Adelyn, but more specifically I worry about what if I don't WANT to do something for her that she needs? I wonder what will happen if she cries and I don't feel like tending to her. I wonder what will happen when she wants someone to play with her and I don't feel up to it. It's not just myself anymore, and sometimes I resent this little person that I need to take care of, no matter how I'm feeling. I think that is a bit of a revelation for me...that I have anxiety over not wanting to do this, as opposed to having anxiety over knowing what to do. Does that make sense?
I'm also struggling with (something similar) lack of motivation. I don't know if it is the depression or the medication, but something is making me, in my own words, lazy. There are days when I don't feel like doing anything - like today, I have all day Adelyn-free and I can't bring myself to get my butt off this chair. I know there is housework to do but I can't seem to inspire myself to get anything done. The motivation I do have is a LOT better than before...I remember a few months ago I would have to physically lay down after even a few minutes of housework and would lay there for half an hour before I could get up again. So I guess in comparison I'm doing much much better than that.
So what's been going on in my daily life? We just got back from our trip up north which was much anticipated (and anxiety-producing). I'm so happy to say that everything went great - I had Chelsea to help me (and Greg of course) and I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself. I found it relaxing, which was surprising to me because I find it hard to relax at the best of times. I don't know if I could have made the trip without Chelsea (and the mental break this allowed me to have), but at least we made it and it was a success for all!
Speaking of Chelsea, this brings me to the point of this post. Chelsea left this morning and I'm finding myself to be very mixed about this next step. Chelsea has been our life line in these past 6 months, and has brought us through some of our worst times. We have relied on her and she hasn't let us down. I know I was weaning off of her (she was down to three days per week), but having her move out is a big blow to us and our family. Chelsea IS part of our family and we're all (Adelyn included) sad to see her go.
So now what? Adelyn will go to daycare three half days per week and I will have her full time on Tuesday and Thursday. I'm just hoping that things will work themselves out and that I will be able to use the skills that I've learned in the last few months to make this work. I will try my hardest to get out of the house (if you're reading this - I could use some playdates!!) and not to let myself spiral downhill because we're cooped up and cranky. I feel like I'm just doing this on prayers and only faith can truly get me through. That being said, I do have the student, Angela, moving in next week, but she isn't here to take care of Adelyn (and I have to get that through my head). I don't really know what else to say about this situation - if you all could just send up some prayers that I don't crash and burn, I would appreciate it.
In other news...I have applied to the General to volunteer on the Norris Wing, and I'm really excited about that. I don't know what their rules are for volunteering and the fact that I was in the hopsital I few months ago (I believe it's three months but I'm not sure). I'm hoping that I meet the criteria because I'm really passionate about mental health and I think this would be great for my recovery. Similarly, I am volunteering to talk at some pre-natal classes about my journey and the warning signs, etc. of PPD. I'm really looking forward to this outlet and being connected to some people that might possibly be looking for some support after their little ones are born.
What's happening on the medication front? I am still on the same cocktail - Abililfy, Pristiq, Lithium, Seroquel, temazepam and Imovane, but I am going to ask that my lithium be reduced at my appt on Wednesday. I find that I am way too flat and emotionless. I am on a dosage that controls mania (which I am not manic), so it brings me down too many pegs. I hope that messing with my meds is okay right now, but I guess we won't know until we try!
Well, there is it, the full update....I will try to post a bit more regularly now that I'm back home.
First of all, I have been doing (I think) pretty well - I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety but that is nothing new for me. I have a lot of anxiety over what to do with Adelyn, but more specifically I worry about what if I don't WANT to do something for her that she needs? I wonder what will happen if she cries and I don't feel like tending to her. I wonder what will happen when she wants someone to play with her and I don't feel up to it. It's not just myself anymore, and sometimes I resent this little person that I need to take care of, no matter how I'm feeling. I think that is a bit of a revelation for me...that I have anxiety over not wanting to do this, as opposed to having anxiety over knowing what to do. Does that make sense?
I'm also struggling with (something similar) lack of motivation. I don't know if it is the depression or the medication, but something is making me, in my own words, lazy. There are days when I don't feel like doing anything - like today, I have all day Adelyn-free and I can't bring myself to get my butt off this chair. I know there is housework to do but I can't seem to inspire myself to get anything done. The motivation I do have is a LOT better than before...I remember a few months ago I would have to physically lay down after even a few minutes of housework and would lay there for half an hour before I could get up again. So I guess in comparison I'm doing much much better than that.
So what's been going on in my daily life? We just got back from our trip up north which was much anticipated (and anxiety-producing). I'm so happy to say that everything went great - I had Chelsea to help me (and Greg of course) and I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself. I found it relaxing, which was surprising to me because I find it hard to relax at the best of times. I don't know if I could have made the trip without Chelsea (and the mental break this allowed me to have), but at least we made it and it was a success for all!
Speaking of Chelsea, this brings me to the point of this post. Chelsea left this morning and I'm finding myself to be very mixed about this next step. Chelsea has been our life line in these past 6 months, and has brought us through some of our worst times. We have relied on her and she hasn't let us down. I know I was weaning off of her (she was down to three days per week), but having her move out is a big blow to us and our family. Chelsea IS part of our family and we're all (Adelyn included) sad to see her go.
So now what? Adelyn will go to daycare three half days per week and I will have her full time on Tuesday and Thursday. I'm just hoping that things will work themselves out and that I will be able to use the skills that I've learned in the last few months to make this work. I will try my hardest to get out of the house (if you're reading this - I could use some playdates!!) and not to let myself spiral downhill because we're cooped up and cranky. I feel like I'm just doing this on prayers and only faith can truly get me through. That being said, I do have the student, Angela, moving in next week, but she isn't here to take care of Adelyn (and I have to get that through my head). I don't really know what else to say about this situation - if you all could just send up some prayers that I don't crash and burn, I would appreciate it.
In other news...I have applied to the General to volunteer on the Norris Wing, and I'm really excited about that. I don't know what their rules are for volunteering and the fact that I was in the hopsital I few months ago (I believe it's three months but I'm not sure). I'm hoping that I meet the criteria because I'm really passionate about mental health and I think this would be great for my recovery. Similarly, I am volunteering to talk at some pre-natal classes about my journey and the warning signs, etc. of PPD. I'm really looking forward to this outlet and being connected to some people that might possibly be looking for some support after their little ones are born.
What's happening on the medication front? I am still on the same cocktail - Abililfy, Pristiq, Lithium, Seroquel, temazepam and Imovane, but I am going to ask that my lithium be reduced at my appt on Wednesday. I find that I am way too flat and emotionless. I am on a dosage that controls mania (which I am not manic), so it brings me down too many pegs. I hope that messing with my meds is okay right now, but I guess we won't know until we try!
Well, there is it, the full update....I will try to post a bit more regularly now that I'm back home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)