It's almost been one week since I checked myself into the psych ward. Today was a typical day except for the fact that I was lucky enough to see Adelyn (Greg brought her here). It was really nice to see her, and we had a great visit, but at the end I was ready for her to go. I hate that I don't cry when she leaves, and I hate that I don't yearn for her like I think a real mother should. Most often times I feel very ambivalent about the whole sitiation...uncaring. I WANT to get better but sometimes I just shut everything down and find that I lose the ability to care about anything.
I spend a lot of time with my own head these days, and I wish that it would help me figure things out. I'm very anxious because I feel like I won't know when I am better - I have no idea what "well" feels like and that scares the crap out of me. How will I know when I'm ready to go home? How will I TRULY know? Every other time I have thought that I was fine, just to end up right back here again. I no longer trust myself or my thoughts.
As I mentioned in the previous post, I am undergoing a pretty big medication switch. So far, I haven't experienced any severe withdrawal effects except for some hot flashes and agitation. My agitation includes the "bad" thoughts that keep re-surfacing. I picture people being killed, I see people hanging, I imagine gouging someone's eyes out. I SEE these things, not desire to do them - very complex to explain, just like everything else! I am assured though, that an increase in my symptoms is very common and that I shouldn't worry because I am in the right place.
So, there you have it - my somewhat short and sweet update for the day. I don't know how many updates I will be able to do since internet access is very limited in here, but I will do my best.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Not That Mom
Hey everyone, here is my first check-in from Norris. I have been in here for 5 days now and holding on strong.
Just to get everyone up to speed - Dr. Asti has been changing around my medications and has taken me off (cold turkey) risperidone (antipsychotic) and cipralex (antidepressant). So far I haven't noticed any terrible withdrawals - only a few hot flashes today when she stopped the cipralex and started the Pristiq. Pristiq is my newest weapon - it is a new and "improved" version of Effexor (some of you may have heard of it). This is an SNRI as opposed to an SSRI and works on different chemicals in the brain. I am praying hard that this combo is what will click with my damaged brain.
On top of changing medications I have also been trying work work on myself in other ways as well. I had a great sit down with the social worker yesterday and it helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Mainly, it was nice to talk to her because she told me she hated the baby phase. Now, how could that help me? She was trying to show me that I wasn't alone and that just possibly, the depression itself is being compounded by the fact that I just really am not cut out for this phase of my child's life. I'm not "that" mom. I'm not the type of mom that can sit around all day and play developmental games with their child - I'm not the make-your-own-baby-food-from-scratch type of mom. I'm just not that person, and I'm learning to deal with that. Now, I know there are people reading this that might be different from me, and that's totally fine - I respect everyone for how they choose to parent, I just have to learn to start accepting myself and not comparing with all the other moms out there.
The social worker also talked to me about focusing on ME, and not so much about the "mom" me. She talked about going to depression support groups (not PPD related), and going for counselling for just myself. I appreciated the fact that she recognized that I am still a person here, that I'm not just a mom who needs fixing. It's time that people stop pressuring me to fit into this mommy mold and let me be who I want and need to be. Jen (the SW) gave me some of my power back, and that is worth so much to me.
Lastly, I have been blessed to have met some wonderful people in here so far. God has blessed me with an awesome roommate with whom I can be comfortable with, and has also been good enough to bring Tiffany into my life here in Norris. Tiffany, I know you're reading this and I wanted to thank you for listening to me, and for being a great friend, even though I have only known you for a short time. Meeting people like you makes all this struggling worth it.
I will still be here for probably another 3 or 4 weeks...waiting for medications to kick in. I can be reached by text message at (905) 327-5985 in case anyone needs to get a hold of me. I would very much welcome visitors, so please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd be willing to drop by. Thank-you for your continued prayers, they are felt everyday.
Just to get everyone up to speed - Dr. Asti has been changing around my medications and has taken me off (cold turkey) risperidone (antipsychotic) and cipralex (antidepressant). So far I haven't noticed any terrible withdrawals - only a few hot flashes today when she stopped the cipralex and started the Pristiq. Pristiq is my newest weapon - it is a new and "improved" version of Effexor (some of you may have heard of it). This is an SNRI as opposed to an SSRI and works on different chemicals in the brain. I am praying hard that this combo is what will click with my damaged brain.
On top of changing medications I have also been trying work work on myself in other ways as well. I had a great sit down with the social worker yesterday and it helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Mainly, it was nice to talk to her because she told me she hated the baby phase. Now, how could that help me? She was trying to show me that I wasn't alone and that just possibly, the depression itself is being compounded by the fact that I just really am not cut out for this phase of my child's life. I'm not "that" mom. I'm not the type of mom that can sit around all day and play developmental games with their child - I'm not the make-your-own-baby-food-from-scratch type of mom. I'm just not that person, and I'm learning to deal with that. Now, I know there are people reading this that might be different from me, and that's totally fine - I respect everyone for how they choose to parent, I just have to learn to start accepting myself and not comparing with all the other moms out there.
The social worker also talked to me about focusing on ME, and not so much about the "mom" me. She talked about going to depression support groups (not PPD related), and going for counselling for just myself. I appreciated the fact that she recognized that I am still a person here, that I'm not just a mom who needs fixing. It's time that people stop pressuring me to fit into this mommy mold and let me be who I want and need to be. Jen (the SW) gave me some of my power back, and that is worth so much to me.
Lastly, I have been blessed to have met some wonderful people in here so far. God has blessed me with an awesome roommate with whom I can be comfortable with, and has also been good enough to bring Tiffany into my life here in Norris. Tiffany, I know you're reading this and I wanted to thank you for listening to me, and for being a great friend, even though I have only known you for a short time. Meeting people like you makes all this struggling worth it.
I will still be here for probably another 3 or 4 weeks...waiting for medications to kick in. I can be reached by text message at (905) 327-5985 in case anyone needs to get a hold of me. I would very much welcome visitors, so please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd be willing to drop by. Thank-you for your continued prayers, they are felt everyday.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Here Goes Nothing
So I just got the call from Dr. Asti - they are making a bed available to be as soon as I can get over there. Is it odd that I feel strangely relieved and okay with my decision? I feel at peace with everything at the moment. Maybe that is a sign that I'm doing the right thing, who knows. Don't get me wrong, I'm still freaked right out about the amount of time I might have to stay there...but I can't think of the sum of the days, I have to think one day at a time. Just get through one day at a time.
I will try to update as much as possible while I'm in the hospital - I'm hoping to get out on day passes here and there so that I can still see Adelyn and the rest of my family. I have to have faith that this time, something might actually work.
I'm going to leave this post short, because really I don't know what else to say about my situation - it sucks and I hope it gets better soon! For me, for Greg, for Adelyn. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get better for them, and this is the next step. *deep breath* Here goes nothing.
I will try to update as much as possible while I'm in the hospital - I'm hoping to get out on day passes here and there so that I can still see Adelyn and the rest of my family. I have to have faith that this time, something might actually work.
I'm going to leave this post short, because really I don't know what else to say about my situation - it sucks and I hope it gets better soon! For me, for Greg, for Adelyn. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get better for them, and this is the next step. *deep breath* Here goes nothing.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Difficult Decisions
So I feel like all my struggles have brought me to this point. I have some very difficult decisions to make and I don't know which way to turn. Currently, I am seriously considering going into the hospital (again) to try and figure out my medications, and to be put on the list to receive electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
I'm not sure how others view this, but it is no easy decision for me to voluntarily go into the hospital, especially considering that this stay will be at least 4 weeks, possibly up to a few months. To me, that's like voluntarily putting yourself in prison - who would do that? If I could have a guarantee (insert sarcastic laugh here) that this would fix me, I would be all for it - but how many times have I been hospitalized just to leave and end up right back where I was? How many times have they changed my medications just to have them crap out on me? How do I know that this time will be any different? I don't, and that's what scares me.
I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but my prolactin level is double what it should be...this means that I still don't have my period (I stopped breast feeding with Adelyn was 7 weeks old) and my hormones are all mixed up. Risperidone, my one antipsychotic, causes prolactin levels to rise and reach unhealthy levels. High prolactin can actually CAUSE depression and mood swings (think horrible PMS). It is my belief that in order to get better, I need to come off this medication...so this is where the hospital stay comes back into play - I can't do this at home for the risk that I go into withdrawals, or have a psychotic episode/breakdown. So this is another factor that is weighing on my decision to hospitalize myself before I go through this change.
Other factors are that in order to receive ECT, I need to have a consultation in Hamilton, and it is preferrable that one be hospitalized during treatments for some of the same reasons listed above. It is not known how I will react to the treatments, and your memory can be impaired for about 8 weeks following treatment (so they like to monitor your functioning post treatment). There is a 90% success rate with ECT, compared to a 70% success rate with medications....this gives me another 20% of hope that I could actually improve, if not get better entirely. Those odds are good and I'm not sure I can pass them up at this point.
So what do I do? I feel sort of stupid arranging my own hospital stay, but I know that it's being proactive instead of reactive, like when I am in crisis. If I have learned anything, it's that being in crisis and going into the hospital is SO incredibly hard on myself and my family and I don't want to keep putting people through that. It's time to do something ahead of time, something that recognizes that I'm still at risk of crisis and I need help NOW before something has the chance to surface. At the same time, during my few moments that I feel well, I feel like it's silly for me to be going through all this, that I am fine and am functioning like a normal person. I think everyone can agree that that's not true, that I do need the help and that something's got to give before I hit rock bottom again - because we all know it's coming, it always does.
I have a lot of fears about going into hospital...my lack of freedom (they don't even let you have ear phones anym0re), my lack of control over my own family, the loneliness. I will have to put my faith and trust into a nanny that I barely know to take care of my daughter full time while I get treatment...that is so incredibly hard to do. I have to sit back and watch my life pass by me as I sit behind the doors of the Norris Wing, praying that something will click and that I will find myself again. I have to be alone for 23 hours a day, hoping that I'll get lucky and someone will come and visit me and take up an hour of my monotonous day. Being in the hospital is so lonely, I can't even describe it. Especially when you have a baby at home that you miss dearly - it physically hurts to be in there most of the time.
I have been up at night thinking about this...thinking and thinking and thinking. What's best for my family? Can I do this? Will I wimp out and leave hospital early like every other time? Can my family do this again? On and on it goes, making me feel even more crazy than before. Please pray for me that I can make the right decision for my family - that I will have confidence in myself that I CAN do what I have to do to get better. Thank-you again to all my supporters, your love is felt everyday and I couldn't do it without you.
I'm not sure how others view this, but it is no easy decision for me to voluntarily go into the hospital, especially considering that this stay will be at least 4 weeks, possibly up to a few months. To me, that's like voluntarily putting yourself in prison - who would do that? If I could have a guarantee (insert sarcastic laugh here) that this would fix me, I would be all for it - but how many times have I been hospitalized just to leave and end up right back where I was? How many times have they changed my medications just to have them crap out on me? How do I know that this time will be any different? I don't, and that's what scares me.
I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but my prolactin level is double what it should be...this means that I still don't have my period (I stopped breast feeding with Adelyn was 7 weeks old) and my hormones are all mixed up. Risperidone, my one antipsychotic, causes prolactin levels to rise and reach unhealthy levels. High prolactin can actually CAUSE depression and mood swings (think horrible PMS). It is my belief that in order to get better, I need to come off this medication...so this is where the hospital stay comes back into play - I can't do this at home for the risk that I go into withdrawals, or have a psychotic episode/breakdown. So this is another factor that is weighing on my decision to hospitalize myself before I go through this change.
Other factors are that in order to receive ECT, I need to have a consultation in Hamilton, and it is preferrable that one be hospitalized during treatments for some of the same reasons listed above. It is not known how I will react to the treatments, and your memory can be impaired for about 8 weeks following treatment (so they like to monitor your functioning post treatment). There is a 90% success rate with ECT, compared to a 70% success rate with medications....this gives me another 20% of hope that I could actually improve, if not get better entirely. Those odds are good and I'm not sure I can pass them up at this point.
So what do I do? I feel sort of stupid arranging my own hospital stay, but I know that it's being proactive instead of reactive, like when I am in crisis. If I have learned anything, it's that being in crisis and going into the hospital is SO incredibly hard on myself and my family and I don't want to keep putting people through that. It's time to do something ahead of time, something that recognizes that I'm still at risk of crisis and I need help NOW before something has the chance to surface. At the same time, during my few moments that I feel well, I feel like it's silly for me to be going through all this, that I am fine and am functioning like a normal person. I think everyone can agree that that's not true, that I do need the help and that something's got to give before I hit rock bottom again - because we all know it's coming, it always does.
I have a lot of fears about going into hospital...my lack of freedom (they don't even let you have ear phones anym0re), my lack of control over my own family, the loneliness. I will have to put my faith and trust into a nanny that I barely know to take care of my daughter full time while I get treatment...that is so incredibly hard to do. I have to sit back and watch my life pass by me as I sit behind the doors of the Norris Wing, praying that something will click and that I will find myself again. I have to be alone for 23 hours a day, hoping that I'll get lucky and someone will come and visit me and take up an hour of my monotonous day. Being in the hospital is so lonely, I can't even describe it. Especially when you have a baby at home that you miss dearly - it physically hurts to be in there most of the time.
I have been up at night thinking about this...thinking and thinking and thinking. What's best for my family? Can I do this? Will I wimp out and leave hospital early like every other time? Can my family do this again? On and on it goes, making me feel even more crazy than before. Please pray for me that I can make the right decision for my family - that I will have confidence in myself that I CAN do what I have to do to get better. Thank-you again to all my supporters, your love is felt everyday and I couldn't do it without you.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Pressure Cooker
That's what I feel like my life is these days - one big pressure cooker. I'm getting pressure from all sides to feel better, to give good news, to have the right attitude. It's to the point where I'm afraid to say "hey, I'm not feeling so great today", because everyone has heard it a million times. When does it end? When can I turn around and say "I feel great" and truly mean it?? I'm getting very frustrated because I try every avenue, but every where I turn is a dead end.
The nanny is working out well; well in the fact that she is a great girl and is wonderful with Adelyn. Problem being that I expected her to fix me, and that's not happening so far. I put my expectations way too high for this poor girl, and now I feel like I'm crashing to the ground with disappointment. I do want to make it clear that she IS doing her job, and helping me in the practical sense (don't think I could do it without her right now), but emotionally I expected to feel better. Magically this person would move in and the cloud would be lifted. How stupid of me.
I'm just so very very tired. So tired of letting everyone down, tired of having people be disappointed in me and my lack of progress in my recovery. Some people have this "pull up your socks" attitude that says if I just tried harder it would be better. Well, no one knows how hard I try EVERY DAY - every day is a fight for me and every day that I am still here is a success in my books. I wish people could understand that I am trying so hard that I can barely hold on anymore.
Where will I have to turn when I need help? I've very literally exhausted all my resources. People get mad (or disappointed, whichever word you want to use) when I act out, but I feel I have no other options...I can say I feel crappy until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't fix anything. True, cutting myself doesn't fix anything either but at least it gets me some much needed help when I need it. The hospital is a safe place for me - a place where I know the staff can't get disappointed in me, and will be there to support me no matter how many times I end up in there.
Anyways, I really have no idea where I'm going with this post, I'm just very frustrated with myself today. Sorry for the rant, but I just had to get it out.
The nanny is working out well; well in the fact that she is a great girl and is wonderful with Adelyn. Problem being that I expected her to fix me, and that's not happening so far. I put my expectations way too high for this poor girl, and now I feel like I'm crashing to the ground with disappointment. I do want to make it clear that she IS doing her job, and helping me in the practical sense (don't think I could do it without her right now), but emotionally I expected to feel better. Magically this person would move in and the cloud would be lifted. How stupid of me.
I'm just so very very tired. So tired of letting everyone down, tired of having people be disappointed in me and my lack of progress in my recovery. Some people have this "pull up your socks" attitude that says if I just tried harder it would be better. Well, no one knows how hard I try EVERY DAY - every day is a fight for me and every day that I am still here is a success in my books. I wish people could understand that I am trying so hard that I can barely hold on anymore.
Where will I have to turn when I need help? I've very literally exhausted all my resources. People get mad (or disappointed, whichever word you want to use) when I act out, but I feel I have no other options...I can say I feel crappy until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't fix anything. True, cutting myself doesn't fix anything either but at least it gets me some much needed help when I need it. The hospital is a safe place for me - a place where I know the staff can't get disappointed in me, and will be there to support me no matter how many times I end up in there.
Anyways, I really have no idea where I'm going with this post, I'm just very frustrated with myself today. Sorry for the rant, but I just had to get it out.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Free Again
Well, they let me loose today. How do I feel? Nervous would sum it up I think. I'm nervous that I'm just hopping back on that roller coaster I referred to in my last post. I'm nervous that I just really can't do this whole mother thing. Not cut out for it. I've had days where I honestly felt like putting Adelyn up for adoption was the best possible solution. I don't feel like that now - but I'm afraid of going there again.
I am sitting at my in-laws right now because I'm not allowed to be alone at my house (suffice it to say that the cutting is what did me in)...I don't get Adelyn back until tomorrow night. The nanny, Chelsea, is moving in tonight and I couldn't be more excited. She is my hope right now - poor girl, if only she knew how much pressure was on her! Everything I have is resting on her shoulders. True, this is totally unfair, but I don't know what else to do/feel/think about the situation.
I am going to try a new approach though. This morning, in group (on the psych ward) we were talking about finding our "voice" - about taking charge of our illness and finding our own strength to fight. I'm going to try to not let the depression take me down this time - I want to rule my mind and my body, not let this disease overtake me. Do I think I can actually do it? I have no idea, but I'm going to give it my best shot this time around. I've sat back for too long - tried to put faith in the medications, the doctors, the therapy. Well, nothing has worked because obviously I'm still going through a major struggle. Now it's time to put the faith in myself and in God, to get me through this. I have to believe that I can fight this thing.
Thank-you to all of you who have sent me messages and encouraging words. You continue to give me the strength I need to get through the days. It is a blessing to know that I don't face this fight alone, that I have an army of well-wishers behind me. Thank-you.
I am sitting at my in-laws right now because I'm not allowed to be alone at my house (suffice it to say that the cutting is what did me in)...I don't get Adelyn back until tomorrow night. The nanny, Chelsea, is moving in tonight and I couldn't be more excited. She is my hope right now - poor girl, if only she knew how much pressure was on her! Everything I have is resting on her shoulders. True, this is totally unfair, but I don't know what else to do/feel/think about the situation.
I am going to try a new approach though. This morning, in group (on the psych ward) we were talking about finding our "voice" - about taking charge of our illness and finding our own strength to fight. I'm going to try to not let the depression take me down this time - I want to rule my mind and my body, not let this disease overtake me. Do I think I can actually do it? I have no idea, but I'm going to give it my best shot this time around. I've sat back for too long - tried to put faith in the medications, the doctors, the therapy. Well, nothing has worked because obviously I'm still going through a major struggle. Now it's time to put the faith in myself and in God, to get me through this. I have to believe that I can fight this thing.
Thank-you to all of you who have sent me messages and encouraging words. You continue to give me the strength I need to get through the days. It is a blessing to know that I don't face this fight alone, that I have an army of well-wishers behind me. Thank-you.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Round and Round we Go
I have been hospitalized since Monday February 7th, and wrote this entry on Feb. 10th while sitting in my room...(Graphic)
Sitting here, staring at the beige walls. How did I end up here again? How could I do this to my family again? No one really knows what happened; I seemed like I was doing OK, like I was managing fine, then BOOM, out of the blue we hop back onto this rollercoaster and just like those loops, around and around we go.
I started feeling a little overwhelmed on Saturday - so I should have seen this coming (but I guess I haven't learned yet). By Sunday I was weepy and sad...couldn't shake it. Monday morning Mary (a lady from church) came to spend the morning with me while Kris was at school. The second Mary came in I said "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well today" and I started to cry and couldn't stop. Mary was able to sort of talk me down and to keep me occupied with knitting (I'm knitting a scarf for Adelyn - Mary made the hat). Thankfully, keeping my hand busy with knitting also occupied my mind and I felt better.
Around noon I fed Adelyn and sat back down with Mary. I told her that I was going to go to my neighbour's house until Kris got home (I felt like she wanted to leave, and that I would be fine alone). This is the part I regret; I didn't intend on leaving and I feel terrible for lying to Mary. However, in my defense, I was allowed to be alone with Adelyn up to 2 hours a day, so I wasn't breaking the rules.
Mary left and I sat there watching Adelyn play in the living room. People say I planned this, but I wish they knew different...something just snapped. "You're a terrible mother", "you're never going to get better" "you deserve to be in pain" "Adelyn knows you're a bad mother". On and on the thoughts went through my mind. More and more I couldn't get the images out of my head - images of cutting up my arm, horrible images of Adelyn being cut. I wanted the knives. I made the stupid decision to go into the kitchen, closer to the knives that I was "craving". I thought that I could cut myself, just once, and that I would feel better.
I picked up the steak knife and wondered how brave I was, how much pain I could endure, how much blood I could draw. I drug the knife through my skin. Blood pooled to the surface but it wasn't good enough. Now that I had started I had to keep going. I willed myself to stop but couldn't - it was like a runaway train by this point. Cut after cut I felt better, euphoric. Look how strong I was. I knew it was wrong, but at the same time I couldn't do anything to make it right.
I stood in the kitchen, my arm bleeding from about 20 small cuts, while Adelyn continued to play in the living room. That's what pains me the most - that this innocent child has to be involved in such a tragic circumstance. It kills me. I love her so much but yet I can't stop this, I can't fix myself.
I damaged a lot more than my arm that day - I damaged some valued relationships because it was thought that I lied to Mary on purpose just so that I could cut. Like I said before, I wish that these people knew better how it felt to be inside my head, how it felt to be out of control. I regret everything that happened on Monday because I lost a lot of trust from the people that I love (which I might never get back, at least not for a long time). I wish I knew how to "be better".
After the cutting it was a bit of a whirlwind, but long story short, it ended me back up here. Norris Wing. I hate myself for allowing this to happen to me over and over. The cycle never seems to end.
They've upped my meds again - doubled my Abilify to see if that will work. It seems as though my medications work for about a month, then I end up back here in the hospital. I'm trying to be hopeful though, that this adjustment will really do the trick.
Sitting here, staring at the beige walls. How did I end up here again? How could I do this to my family again? No one really knows what happened; I seemed like I was doing OK, like I was managing fine, then BOOM, out of the blue we hop back onto this rollercoaster and just like those loops, around and around we go.
I started feeling a little overwhelmed on Saturday - so I should have seen this coming (but I guess I haven't learned yet). By Sunday I was weepy and sad...couldn't shake it. Monday morning Mary (a lady from church) came to spend the morning with me while Kris was at school. The second Mary came in I said "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well today" and I started to cry and couldn't stop. Mary was able to sort of talk me down and to keep me occupied with knitting (I'm knitting a scarf for Adelyn - Mary made the hat). Thankfully, keeping my hand busy with knitting also occupied my mind and I felt better.
Around noon I fed Adelyn and sat back down with Mary. I told her that I was going to go to my neighbour's house until Kris got home (I felt like she wanted to leave, and that I would be fine alone). This is the part I regret; I didn't intend on leaving and I feel terrible for lying to Mary. However, in my defense, I was allowed to be alone with Adelyn up to 2 hours a day, so I wasn't breaking the rules.
Mary left and I sat there watching Adelyn play in the living room. People say I planned this, but I wish they knew different...something just snapped. "You're a terrible mother", "you're never going to get better" "you deserve to be in pain" "Adelyn knows you're a bad mother". On and on the thoughts went through my mind. More and more I couldn't get the images out of my head - images of cutting up my arm, horrible images of Adelyn being cut. I wanted the knives. I made the stupid decision to go into the kitchen, closer to the knives that I was "craving". I thought that I could cut myself, just once, and that I would feel better.
I picked up the steak knife and wondered how brave I was, how much pain I could endure, how much blood I could draw. I drug the knife through my skin. Blood pooled to the surface but it wasn't good enough. Now that I had started I had to keep going. I willed myself to stop but couldn't - it was like a runaway train by this point. Cut after cut I felt better, euphoric. Look how strong I was. I knew it was wrong, but at the same time I couldn't do anything to make it right.
I stood in the kitchen, my arm bleeding from about 20 small cuts, while Adelyn continued to play in the living room. That's what pains me the most - that this innocent child has to be involved in such a tragic circumstance. It kills me. I love her so much but yet I can't stop this, I can't fix myself.
I damaged a lot more than my arm that day - I damaged some valued relationships because it was thought that I lied to Mary on purpose just so that I could cut. Like I said before, I wish that these people knew better how it felt to be inside my head, how it felt to be out of control. I regret everything that happened on Monday because I lost a lot of trust from the people that I love (which I might never get back, at least not for a long time). I wish I knew how to "be better".
After the cutting it was a bit of a whirlwind, but long story short, it ended me back up here. Norris Wing. I hate myself for allowing this to happen to me over and over. The cycle never seems to end.
They've upped my meds again - doubled my Abilify to see if that will work. It seems as though my medications work for about a month, then I end up back here in the hospital. I'm trying to be hopeful though, that this adjustment will really do the trick.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Moving Forward...?
So I thought it was about time to catch everyone up to speed about the plans for the next step in my recovery. As most of you know, my sister has been staying with us for about 5 weeks to help ease me in to staying at our house. It has been wonderful having her here, but we have agreed that it is time for her to move back home. I have two weeks before she leaves me (tear).
With her leaving that means that, to me, I am going to be experiencing another huge change and therefore possible "crisis". Every time there is a change I end up in the hospital, so we're trying to be proactive this time. I am going to make a hospital plan - what to do with Adelyn, who's taking care of what, how I will be admitted, etc - so that I am prepared in the event that I do decline and need to be hospitalized. I really hope that I won't have to, but I have to look back on what's happened in the past and know that it is a very real possibility.
But Kristin is not leaving me high and dry - there are plans in place for people to come and stay with me during the day. The biggest different will be that it will just be myself, Greg, and Adelyn at night and weekends. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I guess now is as good a time as any to try it out and see how things go.
Besides planning for this next step, there are other updates to my recovery process; my doctor has suggested that I be referred to a postpartum specialist in Hamilton to review my case and assess my bloodwork. It appears as though I "cycle" every 4-6 weeks, meaning that I end up in the hospital or in some sort of crisis. My doctor's first response to this was "it's your period, of course!" - problem is, I don't have my period! It never returned when I stopped breastfeeding at 9 weeks (a LONG time ago!). And no, I'm not pregnant I promise you. So, I guess this is a concern because of my hormones...which of course play a huge role in this postpartum depression thing. So I went in for bloodwork and now I am just awaiting an appointment with this specialist.
She has also tweeked my medications once again because my anxiety was getting really bad. I am now on the max. dose of my antidepressant, Cipralex. In addition to this she has upped my Seroquel to 150 mg, Abilify to 2.5 mg, and reduced my Risperdol to 1.5 mg. It seems like I have some sort of change every week...but this combo does seem to be doing something to I will stick with it.
So, how am I feeling these days? That is a very hard thing to explain. I tried to describe it to my doctor as this - my body is outrunning my brain. I FEEL depressed but I don't ACT depressed. I can now physically take care of Adelyn, but my brain still returns to the negative thoughts telling me I can't handle this, I can't cope with it anymore. My suicidal thoughts have mostly stopped, just surfacing during super stressful times. It's hard because, on the outside, it appears as though I'm doing really well. And don't get me wrong, I am doing well in comparison to where I've come from, but my mind is still in turmoil and this is something that people can't see when they look at me.
It's so hard to make people understand how you feel, when you don't even understand yourself. For example, I have been feeling like I've been riding the brink of a breakdown the past few days, but there's no actions to support it. I don't cry (much), I'm not begging for help, I'm not aloof. But yet I feel like I can't continue. It's very very complex - something that I can't even comprehend most days.
I really don't know what to do now - I've been feeling good, but I've also been having these sour moments where I feel like hospitalization is just around the corner. How do I get through this? What else can I possibly do? What else can my FAMILY possibly do? I feel like all the bases are covered, yet I am faced with these feelings and no where to put them. I guess I will just hold on tight to the ones I love, hold on to my faith that I can make it through this change. I have to continue having faith in my medication because it IS doing its job, and I have to remember the great strides it has helped me make.
Lastly, I would like to petition for prayers...not for me, but for the Meyer family. I don't know them all that well, but I can identify too closely to their struggle. Around the same time I was diagnosed, their daughter (also named Amanda) was sent to hospital for post partum psychosis - she has three children. She is now finally doing well enough to have all her kids. Now, her sister, Rebecca has been admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital for severe postpartum depression - she has two boys, one is three months old. I can't imagine what this family has had to deal with - finding ways to take care of 5 children while their mothers are facing a sometimes insurmountable struggle. They do recognize God in their struggle, and I know they would appreciate whatever prayers you can send up. I am going to Hamilton to visit Rebecca on Tuesday and will send along any well-wishes I receive. Thank-you.
With her leaving that means that, to me, I am going to be experiencing another huge change and therefore possible "crisis". Every time there is a change I end up in the hospital, so we're trying to be proactive this time. I am going to make a hospital plan - what to do with Adelyn, who's taking care of what, how I will be admitted, etc - so that I am prepared in the event that I do decline and need to be hospitalized. I really hope that I won't have to, but I have to look back on what's happened in the past and know that it is a very real possibility.
But Kristin is not leaving me high and dry - there are plans in place for people to come and stay with me during the day. The biggest different will be that it will just be myself, Greg, and Adelyn at night and weekends. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I guess now is as good a time as any to try it out and see how things go.
Besides planning for this next step, there are other updates to my recovery process; my doctor has suggested that I be referred to a postpartum specialist in Hamilton to review my case and assess my bloodwork. It appears as though I "cycle" every 4-6 weeks, meaning that I end up in the hospital or in some sort of crisis. My doctor's first response to this was "it's your period, of course!" - problem is, I don't have my period! It never returned when I stopped breastfeeding at 9 weeks (a LONG time ago!). And no, I'm not pregnant I promise you. So, I guess this is a concern because of my hormones...which of course play a huge role in this postpartum depression thing. So I went in for bloodwork and now I am just awaiting an appointment with this specialist.
She has also tweeked my medications once again because my anxiety was getting really bad. I am now on the max. dose of my antidepressant, Cipralex. In addition to this she has upped my Seroquel to 150 mg, Abilify to 2.5 mg, and reduced my Risperdol to 1.5 mg. It seems like I have some sort of change every week...but this combo does seem to be doing something to I will stick with it.
So, how am I feeling these days? That is a very hard thing to explain. I tried to describe it to my doctor as this - my body is outrunning my brain. I FEEL depressed but I don't ACT depressed. I can now physically take care of Adelyn, but my brain still returns to the negative thoughts telling me I can't handle this, I can't cope with it anymore. My suicidal thoughts have mostly stopped, just surfacing during super stressful times. It's hard because, on the outside, it appears as though I'm doing really well. And don't get me wrong, I am doing well in comparison to where I've come from, but my mind is still in turmoil and this is something that people can't see when they look at me.
It's so hard to make people understand how you feel, when you don't even understand yourself. For example, I have been feeling like I've been riding the brink of a breakdown the past few days, but there's no actions to support it. I don't cry (much), I'm not begging for help, I'm not aloof. But yet I feel like I can't continue. It's very very complex - something that I can't even comprehend most days.
I really don't know what to do now - I've been feeling good, but I've also been having these sour moments where I feel like hospitalization is just around the corner. How do I get through this? What else can I possibly do? What else can my FAMILY possibly do? I feel like all the bases are covered, yet I am faced with these feelings and no where to put them. I guess I will just hold on tight to the ones I love, hold on to my faith that I can make it through this change. I have to continue having faith in my medication because it IS doing its job, and I have to remember the great strides it has helped me make.
Lastly, I would like to petition for prayers...not for me, but for the Meyer family. I don't know them all that well, but I can identify too closely to their struggle. Around the same time I was diagnosed, their daughter (also named Amanda) was sent to hospital for post partum psychosis - she has three children. She is now finally doing well enough to have all her kids. Now, her sister, Rebecca has been admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital for severe postpartum depression - she has two boys, one is three months old. I can't imagine what this family has had to deal with - finding ways to take care of 5 children while their mothers are facing a sometimes insurmountable struggle. They do recognize God in their struggle, and I know they would appreciate whatever prayers you can send up. I am going to Hamilton to visit Rebecca on Tuesday and will send along any well-wishes I receive. Thank-you.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
One of My Obsessions
This has been something I've been obsessing about since I found out I was pregnant: work. I was worried immediately what I would do with regards to my job (which I love). Now that my maternity leave is drawing somewhat to a close (I have 4 months left), it's something that's been on the forefront of my mind.
For those of you that don't know me personally, I am the Recreation Director at a local retirement home. I spent 6 months trying to get this job, and was thrilled when I finally got it. I love my residents and I love what I do. Here comes the problem; I do not think I can return full-time and they won't let me go part-time. I know that moms go back to work all the time, but given my situation I don't see how I could possibly go to work 40-45 hours per week and still take care of Adelyn and be a good wife, etc. etc. I can barely take care of Adelyn NOW, so how on earth could I work that much as well??
So now I feel like I've really gotten the short end of the stick - I've spent my (almost) entire maternity leave depressed, and now I have to give up the job that I love, since I see no other option. To make matters worse I can't stay home and enjoy time with Adelyn, I have to go back to work because we need the extra money...so I can't have the job that I want, I have to go out and find something else that will let me be part-time, and make decent money. Sigh.
I give all the credit in the world to you moms out there that work full-time. That is one feat that I know I couldn't handle....at least I don't feel like I could right now. Maybe one day. If anyone has any words of wisdom to share about my job situation, please share...I feel like I'm at such a crappy crossroads right now.
For those of you that don't know me personally, I am the Recreation Director at a local retirement home. I spent 6 months trying to get this job, and was thrilled when I finally got it. I love my residents and I love what I do. Here comes the problem; I do not think I can return full-time and they won't let me go part-time. I know that moms go back to work all the time, but given my situation I don't see how I could possibly go to work 40-45 hours per week and still take care of Adelyn and be a good wife, etc. etc. I can barely take care of Adelyn NOW, so how on earth could I work that much as well??
So now I feel like I've really gotten the short end of the stick - I've spent my (almost) entire maternity leave depressed, and now I have to give up the job that I love, since I see no other option. To make matters worse I can't stay home and enjoy time with Adelyn, I have to go back to work because we need the extra money...so I can't have the job that I want, I have to go out and find something else that will let me be part-time, and make decent money. Sigh.
I give all the credit in the world to you moms out there that work full-time. That is one feat that I know I couldn't handle....at least I don't feel like I could right now. Maybe one day. If anyone has any words of wisdom to share about my job situation, please share...I feel like I'm at such a crappy crossroads right now.
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