Moving Forward...?

So I thought it was about time to catch everyone up to speed about the plans for the next step in my recovery. As most of you know, my sister has been staying with us for about 5 weeks to help ease me in to staying at our house. It has been wonderful having her here, but we have agreed that it is time for her to move back home. I have two weeks before she leaves me (tear).

With her leaving that means that, to me, I am going to be experiencing another huge change and therefore possible "crisis". Every time there is a change I end up in the hospital, so we're trying to be proactive this time. I am going to make a hospital plan - what to do with Adelyn, who's taking care of what, how I will be admitted, etc - so that I am prepared in the event that I do decline and need to be hospitalized. I really hope that I won't have to, but I have to look back on what's happened in the past and know that it is a very real possibility.

But Kristin is not leaving me high and dry - there are plans in place for people to come and stay with me during the day. The biggest different will be that it will just be myself, Greg, and Adelyn at night and weekends. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I guess now is as good a time as any to try it out and see how things go.

Besides planning for this next step, there are other updates to my recovery process; my doctor has suggested that I be referred to a postpartum specialist in Hamilton to review my case and assess my bloodwork. It appears as though I "cycle" every 4-6 weeks, meaning that I end up in the hospital or in some sort of crisis. My doctor's first response to this was "it's your period, of course!" - problem is, I don't have my period! It never returned when I stopped breastfeeding at 9 weeks (a LONG time ago!). And no, I'm not pregnant I promise you. So, I guess this is a concern because of my hormones...which of course play a huge role in this postpartum depression thing. So I went in for bloodwork and now I am just awaiting an appointment with this specialist.

She has also tweeked my medications once again because my anxiety was getting really bad. I am now on the max. dose of my antidepressant, Cipralex. In addition to this she has upped my Seroquel to 150 mg, Abilify to 2.5 mg, and reduced my Risperdol to 1.5 mg. It seems like I have some sort of change every week...but this combo does seem to be doing something to I will stick with it.

So, how am I feeling these days? That is a very hard thing to explain. I tried to describe it to my doctor as this - my body is outrunning my brain. I FEEL depressed but I don't ACT depressed. I can now physically take care of Adelyn, but my brain still returns to the negative thoughts telling me I can't handle this, I can't cope with it anymore. My suicidal thoughts have mostly stopped, just surfacing during super stressful times. It's hard because, on the outside, it appears as though I'm doing really well. And don't get me wrong, I am doing well in comparison to where I've come from, but my mind is still in turmoil and this is something that people can't see when they look at me.

It's so hard to make people understand how you feel, when you don't even understand yourself. For example, I have been feeling like I've been riding the brink of a breakdown the past few days, but there's no actions to support it. I don't cry (much), I'm not begging for help, I'm not aloof. But yet I feel like I can't continue. It's very very complex - something that I can't even comprehend most days.

I really don't know what to do now - I've been feeling good, but I've also been having these sour moments where I feel like hospitalization is just around the corner. How do I get through this? What else can I possibly do? What else can my FAMILY possibly do? I feel like all the bases are covered, yet I am faced with these feelings and no where to put them. I guess I will just hold on tight to the ones I love, hold on to my faith that I can make it through this change. I have to continue having faith in my medication because it IS doing its job, and I have to remember the great strides it has helped me make.

Lastly, I would like to petition for prayers...not for me, but for the Meyer family. I don't know them all that well, but I can identify too closely to their struggle. Around the same time I was diagnosed, their daughter (also named Amanda) was sent to hospital for post partum psychosis - she has three children. She is now finally doing well enough to have all her kids. Now, her sister, Rebecca has been admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital for severe postpartum depression - she has two boys, one is three months old. I can't imagine what this family has had to deal with - finding ways to take care of 5 children while their mothers are facing a sometimes insurmountable struggle. They do recognize God in their struggle, and I know they would appreciate whatever prayers you can send up. I am going to Hamilton to visit Rebecca on Tuesday and will send along any well-wishes I receive. Thank-you.