Free Again

Well, they let me loose today. How do I feel? Nervous would sum it up I think. I'm nervous that I'm just hopping back on that roller coaster I referred to in my last post. I'm nervous that I just really can't do this whole mother thing. Not cut out for it. I've had days where I honestly felt like putting Adelyn up for adoption was the best possible solution. I don't feel like that now - but I'm afraid of going there again.

I am sitting at my in-laws right now because I'm not allowed to be alone at my house (suffice it to say that the cutting is what did me in)...I don't get Adelyn back until tomorrow night. The nanny, Chelsea, is moving in tonight and I couldn't be more excited. She is my hope right now - poor girl, if only she knew how much pressure was on her! Everything I have is resting on her shoulders. True, this is totally unfair, but I don't know what else to do/feel/think about the situation.

I am going to try a new approach though. This morning, in group (on the psych ward) we were talking about finding our "voice" - about taking charge of our illness and finding our own strength to fight. I'm going to try to not let the depression take me down this time - I want to rule my mind and my body, not let this disease overtake me. Do I think I can actually do it? I have no idea, but I'm going to give it my best shot this time around. I've sat back for too long - tried to put faith in the medications, the doctors, the therapy. Well, nothing has worked because obviously I'm still going through a major struggle. Now it's time to put the faith in myself and in God, to get me through this. I have to believe that I can fight this thing.

Thank-you to all of you who have sent me messages and encouraging words. You continue to give me the strength I need to get through the days. It is a blessing to know that I don't face this fight alone, that I have an army of well-wishers behind me. Thank-you.