That's what I feel like my life is these days - one big pressure cooker. I'm getting pressure from all sides to feel better, to give good news, to have the right attitude. It's to the point where I'm afraid to say "hey, I'm not feeling so great today", because everyone has heard it a million times. When does it end? When can I turn around and say "I feel great" and truly mean it?? I'm getting very frustrated because I try every avenue, but every where I turn is a dead end.
The nanny is working out well; well in the fact that she is a great girl and is wonderful with Adelyn. Problem being that I expected her to fix me, and that's not happening so far. I put my expectations way too high for this poor girl, and now I feel like I'm crashing to the ground with disappointment. I do want to make it clear that she IS doing her job, and helping me in the practical sense (don't think I could do it without her right now), but emotionally I expected to feel better. Magically this person would move in and the cloud would be lifted. How stupid of me.
I'm just so very very tired. So tired of letting everyone down, tired of having people be disappointed in me and my lack of progress in my recovery. Some people have this "pull up your socks" attitude that says if I just tried harder it would be better. Well, no one knows how hard I try EVERY DAY - every day is a fight for me and every day that I am still here is a success in my books. I wish people could understand that I am trying so hard that I can barely hold on anymore.
Where will I have to turn when I need help? I've very literally exhausted all my resources. People get mad (or disappointed, whichever word you want to use) when I act out, but I feel I have no other options...I can say I feel crappy until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't fix anything. True, cutting myself doesn't fix anything either but at least it gets me some much needed help when I need it. The hospital is a safe place for me - a place where I know the staff can't get disappointed in me, and will be there to support me no matter how many times I end up in there.
Anyways, I really have no idea where I'm going with this post, I'm just very frustrated with myself today. Sorry for the rant, but I just had to get it out.
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteIm Laura ( Kristins Friend)
I worked as a nanny for a year and a half. I think the nanny was a brilliant idea!:) If you feel like you are being hard on her, Maybe the two/three (You,Her and Your hubby!) of you can sit down and make a description of what is needed of her, Have you told her why she is there? I know you said you wanted to go back to work, Maybe go back part time like asap so you have routine? From a nanny prospective, It may be hard for her with you around, But I totally get that you want to be with little Adelyn, Maybe do like a half time idea! I dont know, Just my suggestions, I take no offense if you dont agree.
I can tell that you are trying, It defintily shoes, It just sucks that those feelings go through your head, its SO hard for the people around you because as much as they have supported you through it, They haven't felt it in them selves!
I have been praying for you guys all along, and I will continue to pray!! God is on your side, Remember that!
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to apologize for posting a suggestion that you go for a walk today. I knew that it could possibly be taken in the wrong way, I hope I didn't offend you, I wasn't intending on it at all. In my own experience with depression, it has helped me immensely to get regular excercise.
I think you know this by now, that I am in no position to judge you. I've tried to share my stuff with you openly as well, at least to say, "you're not alone".
I will never understand exactly where you are Amanda, and I applaud you for blogging your journey.
Love Kelly
Laura, I appreciate your comment, and I do think that it is a good idea, I just have to get the motivation. I've been thinking about volunteering at work to try and get out of the house and let the nanny be...
ReplyDeleteKelly, I didn't take your comment into offense, don't worry! This post wasn't directed to anything in particular, just a sum of how I've been feeling.
I'm sorry you feel pressure from every side. I'd love to say "I've been there" and "I know how you feel", but truly I haven't and I don't, and I don't think saying that would help you any either. I can't think of one thing to say to make you feel better, and there really isn't anything either, just that I'm here for you to help in any way you need. I'm sorry you're going through this and I truly hope you can find a way out of your darkness. You are surviving and that's a great accomplishment.
ReplyDelete