Check-in From Jamaica

Sorry I have been a little absent lately - we are just winding down a lovely trip to Jamaica, flying home today.

I thought now would be a good time for an entry because I've had so much going through my head this past week - I've had a lot of time to think about life, about Adelyn, about my depression. I've missed Adelyn more than I thought I would (great thing), and it made it very difficult some moments to be here and her at home. There were a few times where, if I could have, I would have taken a flight home just to be with her.

I've missed her so much this week that I thought I would really be ready to go home. Then today came. Truth be told I am scared silly to go back home, and I've been getting that lovely knot-in-the-stomach feeling when I think about going home to her. It's easy to miss someone, easy to love someone that is thousands of miles away. But now I have to go home and face reality, and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet - but ready or not, my flight leaves at 9:40 pm, and just like that I'll be back at it.

Earlier in the week I felt like this would be a great "refresh"...like hitting re-start on your computer. I could start new, go home and be ready to be a good mommy to my little girl. I had high hopes that I would go home and be cured of this awful darkness that has plagued me for so long. But, as the hours of departure draw closer my insecurities are running wild in my brain - "I can't do this", "I couldn't do it before, so I can't do it now", "I would rather stay here and not deal with my life". I epitomize the saying "mixed with emotion" right now - I don't know how I feel about going home anymore.

But, no matter what, I have a little girl sitting at home waiting for her mommy and daddy to come back. Like it or not I will be back to my life tomorrow...the feedings, the early mornings, the crying. I can't say that I'm not excited to go home, I am. I'm just so worried that the depression (that has been gone for this week) will come back as soon as I step through the door. I guess I can't think about that now...tomorrow as I do step through our front door I will just have to think about how much I've missed her smile, her cooing, her rolly polly arms. Just think about the love that I have for her and how I couldn't stand to be away from her. As I'm saying this my confidence is returning slightly - maybe I CAN handle this, just like I've handled everything else.

One moment at a time.

Unwanted Side Effects

So I've been on Abilify for about two weeks now, and the depression seems to be under control. Unfortunately I've been experiencing a very unwanted side effect - major anxiety. If I were to be assessed and diagnosed now I'm sure it would read "postpartum anxiety" and not PPD.

Anxiety can be such a misunderstood word. Some people might say "I'm anxious about the speech I have to give" or "I have anxiety over planning my wedding"...but this doesn't even begin to explain the amount and depth of the anxiety that I'm experiencing right now.

I will put this disclaimer in: I would much rather deal with this anxiety than the depression. The depression I had no hope, could see now way out, but with this other side of the coin I have hope and faith, and I'm able to hang on.

My anxiety starts first thing in the morning - my heart starts pounding if I hear her talking before 7:30 am...I panic, "what am I going to do with her?" "I can't feed her now or else her schedule will be all messed up!". I get into a cold sweat just worrying over these things, and this is if she wakes up at 7:20 am....10 minutes doesn't seem like a lot, but to me, it's the difference between having a "good" day and having a difficult day (because she's off her schedule). Once I do get her up I am anxious throughout her entire feeding "is she going to eat enough?" "is she going to spit the food back again?" "what do I do if she doesn't want the rest of her bottle?".

My whole day is spent worrying about what to do with her next...she's been very whiney lately, and than puts me into panic mode because I have no clue what to do with her, or how to make her stop. I have no confidence in my mothering skills whatsoever. I rely on people around me to tell me how to do things, or how to make her happy, and that is so frustrating. I wish I knew what to do, and I wish I didn't have to feel the panic every time she makes a peep.

I know she's a baby, and I know that things will happen that are out of my control. BUT, knowing these things doesn't help me at all. My mind unconsciously goes into fight or flight mode when she whines/cries and I can't control the feelings that go through me. It's like a terrifying rollercoaster ride that you can't get off, no matter how many times you think you are finished the ride. It just keeps going and going.

But I have to hang on...this is the one thing that has gotten me out of my pit, and I can't turn back now. I have to deal with this anxiety, no matter how scary it may be. At least with my new found hope I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it will come someday, I just don't know when. Until that day I will continue to pray that God will let me off this rollercoaster, and let me get my bearings before throwing me for another loop. I just need some time to breathe.

Alone Time

I had a meeting with FACS yesterday about my alone time with Adelyn. I told them I was feeling better, and that I had the desire to try and be with her alone. They disagreed and told me that I was still to be with someone 24/7. Unfortunately I'm breaking their rule today. Kristin has school this afternoon, and although I had a plan for someone to be here, it didn't work out. I decided that I was going to take this time and see how it goes for me to be by myself (don't tell FACS!).

I still have a lot of anxiety when it comes to Adelyn - for example, right now I am sitting here on the computer trying to forget the fact that she is awake in her crib (when she is supposed to be napping). Any change in her schedule really gets to me, and I'm trying to work on that (to no avail). I count on her to sleep two hours...and that means I count on getting 2 hours of time alone, but it's clear that sometimes that just doesn't work out as I had planned.

I just finished watching Teen Mom 2. It must sound really strange, but I look up to those girls. I feel like they are such better moms then I am. They are going to school, working, AND taking care of their babies (in one case, the mom has TWINS). I can barely even stand to be alone with my child for more than an hour. How is this possible? That is part of the reason why I find these shows (16 & Pregnant) so fascinating...I'm amazed at how they can make it all work, and I watch to try and figure out how I can get some of their "care free" attitude.

Although I do enjoy watching baby shows, sometimes they just make me really sad. I truly miss my pregnancy, when I was happy and didn't have all these problems. I'm sad about the first 7 weeks of Adelyn's life...how I didn't enjoy it at all. I watch shows like A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby and all I can do is think about how happy everyone looks, and how much I missed out on. I don't know if I will ever get over that - not being able to fully experience this magical time in my life. I'm to the point where I can't tell if I feel that way because my experience was so different from everyone else's, or if they are just putting on some sort of show. I only know what was normal for me, and it definitely didn't look like the happy people on TV.

I guess you could say that I'm in a period of mourning right now, and have been for a few months already. I'm mourning the loss of that happy time in my life, and mourning the loss of Adelyn's first few months. I'm grieving the absence of normalcy in my life...not being able to function like a "normal" mother. I really hope that, in these next few months, that I will be able to get some of those moments back - to be able to enjoy Adelyn like I haven't been before.

If you are wondering, I am still feeling less depressed - much much better than previously. It seems as though the medications are finally working, and now I'm having to deal with my "thinking" problems...like the anxiety and the sadness that has emerged over the whole situation. I am so thankful that something has actually worked and that the depression is about 60-70% better. This has been one HUGE step in my recovery, although I know I have a lot more to trudge through before this is behind me.

Wish me luck, I still have an hour and a half to go.

I'm Afraid to Say it...

It is with great caution that I'm going to say these words....

I feel good.

Whew, that was hard! I'm always afraid to say these things out loud, so as not to jinx myself. I've found in the past that when I feel OK, there is always a crash to follow, making me feel even worse.

I've taken 7 doses of Abilify now - the doctor said that it can work as early as 3 days, but may take up to 10 to feel any effects. I started noticing small changes on Saturday, and have proceeded to have 3 relatively "good" days.

Now, keeping in mind that good days for me are relative to my dark ones; so what constitutes a good day in my books? Sounds crazy, but a good day is one where I don't think of killing myself (this was daily before). I haven't had any suicidal thoughts in 3 whole days. I expect them to rear their ugly head again at some point, but for now, I'm impressed with the string of non-suicidal days.

The second big change I've noticed is a little harder to explain. Do you know when you think about something, like taking a bath, and feel "ooh, that would be nice"? You know that feeling of positive anticipation? I had none of that. It's like when I was pregnant and stood in the grocery store and couldn't think of ONE thing that was appetizing; that was the same feeling I have/had with the depression. I couldn't think of anything that would make me happy, not one measly thing. Now I think about our Jamaica trip (leaving on the 21st!) and get excited. Excitement is an emotion that didn't exist previously. I think about taking a nap, or having a cup of coffee and I feel happy. Small things, but they make all the difference to me. I have the capacity to FEEL something positive and that is amazing.

I still feel like I have a long road ahead of me; the anxiety is still very real, and there are parts of the depression that have a death grip on me. But, I need to celebrate the small victories right now. I hope that I haven't "jinxed" myself by putting this in writing, but I do believe the Abilify is working for me, and will continue to make me feel more like myself. I am able to feel everyone's positive energy and prayers, so I thank you for those.

Today, I have my hope back.

To Walk a Mile

I have a lot of people ask me how I'm feeling, which I appreciate, but how do I answer? Nothing I can say can quite capture the depth of my emotions on a daily basis. Words don't exist to describe the pain I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Although I believe there is no true way to convey my feelings, I am going to try and answer the question "how are you feeling?" in this post. I'm going to give it my best shot, and hopefully it can answer some of the questions I know everyone has.

My day starts out with a feeling of dread - waking up to her talking/crying is like a punch in my chest over and over. I feel like I can't handle it, can I really do this one more day? I want to stay in bed, cover my head and forget the world. I feel like I have weights on my arms, my legs, my feet. To get out of bed takes herculian strength some days. Right away the anxiety starts - "what if she cries?", "what if I can't handle it today?", "I'm a bad mother".

The anxiety, like the depression, usually does not leave me for more than a few minutes at a time. It is like someone is crushing my chest in a press - I often feel like I'm suffocating because the anxiety takes my breath away. I battle the "what ifs" every minute of every day...and they are stupid what ifs, like "what if she doesn't eat all her food", "what if she sleeps less than 2 hours this afternoon?" - most of these questions I know most would say "who cares?". Well, I do.

If something happens outside of what I expect, I often come close to a panic attack. I forget everything, my mind goes blank and my heart starts to pound. I can't handle any change in the schedule. I'm getting a little better as time goes on (and as the meds kick in), but it's a natural feeling that I have to consciously fight when things deviate (which is all the time).

The depression, how do I describe the depression? When people are going through hard times it's often described as a tunnel - walking through a dark tunnel towards the light. My depression makes me feel like I'm free falling down a deep well, further and further from the light. I see no way out...every minute I exist some days is painful. I feel absolutely worthless and not worthy of the help and care that I receive. I feel completely hopeless, like there is nothing else to life but this pain. I can't enjoy my daughter, I can't enjoy anything. The lack of capacity for enjoyment makes me feel worse....realizing that all these things are happening that I should appreciate, but instead I just wish the seconds, minutes, hours, away - each one praying for strength to just survive the next.

The depression cripples you in a way that I never ever thought depression could. Some days I literally can't move because the depression has me gripped so tightly. I can't care for Adelyn, I can't even look at her. And again, the realization of these dark feelings causes the self-hatred to continue..."how could I feel this way?" "why can't I be normal?" "I don't deserve this life". Sometimes I have found myself almost catatonic - in a depression coma. I'm lying there, hearing everything going on around me, but feeling like I'm in a vacuum, not able to respond to anyone, in my own little world (and not wanting to leave).

I should say that I have had moments where the anxiety and depression have lifted - this is just an example of my bad days (which unfortunately outweigh the good right now, but I have faith that that will turn around). I really truly wish that there could be more understanding of this condition, of the paralysis it causes to those that suffer. We aren't making it up, we aren't looking for excuses to escape our responsibilities. I'm not lazy. I DO care and I WANT to get better, some days I just don't have any fight left.

If you can take anything from this message, please recognize that those who are depressed have a real problem that is sometimes worse than words. These people need our compassion and patience. They do want to recover, and they are not "taking the easy way out". What they are feeling is real, no matter how irrational it may seem, and no matter what you say to try and make it better. Depressed people may push you away, but they need you - they need your strength and your hope.

And I will finish with the verse that I have posted around my house (because I was losing my faith). "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans the prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

Hope, In a Pill

Hope is definitely something I'm lacking these days. For whatever reason, I cannot seem to bring myself out of this hole. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread at home...just barely clawing my way out of this depressive pit.

I went to the doctor today (I go once a week) and told her how badly I've been feeling - I haven't seen her since I was in the hospital as she was off for the holidays. She said "if you could change one symptom of this whole episode, what would it be?" I told her that I wanted to get rid of this sense of dread - this idea that nothing can help me.

So this brings us to the newest pill in my psychotropic soup - Abilify. Abilify is a new drug that claims to treat the most treatment-resistant depression. I have actually already been on Abilify once, but came off of it because it was too expensive (ranges from $100-200 per month). Thinking back, I felt pretty good at the time, but was on so many other medications and thought that they were keeping me going, not the expensive Abilify (or that's what I told myself anyways).

Luckily, Dr. Asti has lots of samples, and offered to give me enough to try for a month. She tells me that I should feel better within a week to 10 days. So there it is, hope in a pill. I left the appointment feeling a little lighter, a little less hopeless. Maybe this will work. Maybe I CAN feel better. So I'm hanging on to this hope today, because maybe it will be gone tomorrow, I never know.

For those of you wanna-be-psychiatrists, I am currently on this cocktail: Seroquel, Risperdone, Cipralex, Ativan, and now Abilify. I have also tried: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Imipramine, Nortryptaline, and Celexa. How's that for a lab rat?

One other interesting point of my meeting with Dr. Asti was the discussion of Electricconvulsive Therapy (ECT). This involves hooking up electrodes to the brain and sending an electric current through my body and into my brain, causing my neurotransmitters to function more effectively. Dr. Asti would like me to go for a consultation with a specialist in Hamilton regarding my suitability for the treatment. I thought that I would never ever consider this, but given my situation, I am contemplating going for the appointment just to see what they have to say. I still don't know if I'm for it, but I've got nothing to lose by going.

So that's it for today...thank-you again for all your prayers and messages of support.

PS - I'm sorry for the crappy formatting (no paragraphs in some posts) - I can't seem to figure out why it condenses all my paragraphs...hopefully it's not too hard on your eyes!

I thought maybe it was time for a post with a positive spin ;) I wanted to say "thank-you" to everyone who reads this blog, as I have received an overwhelming response from those who were interested in following my difficult journey. I appreciate every single person who reads this, because you are telling me that "I support you" and "I care" - and that means a lot to me.

Every comment that is left, every email that I receive, is appreciated more than you know. Please continue to express your thoughts as I value all the feedback I've received, and it inspires me to continue. To continue this blog, and simply to continue with life. As you know some days I'm just ready to "check out", but reading loving words and pledges of faith have renewed my strength many a times.

Thank-you to my close family and friends (you know who you are), who have been through more than you ever should have. I'm sorry for all that I have caused you, and sorry for all the things that are yet to come on this long and tedious journey. I love you all and would not be here today if it weren't for you. Please don't lose faith in me, without you I would have no faith in myself.

It truly does feel good to express a heartfelt thanks to those who have blessed my life, and I guess I couldn't end this post without saying thank-you to the most important reason for my struggle...

Adelyn, you mean more to me than I could ever say. Although you are still little, I love you for being patient with mommy, and not hating me for the things I have thought and felt about you when I was sick. Thank-you for smiling at me everyday, even when I can't muster up a smile back. Thank-you for loving me without condition and showing me that there is a reason and purpose to life. I love you.

"Why I Jumped"

When I was in the hospital I read an amazing book called "Why I Jumped" by Tina Zahn. This woman had such an amazing story to share, and I am blessed to have read her words. Below I have included the link on youtube where you can see Tina actually jump over the bridge and be rescued...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9GmPhZyLlo

Although I'm happy to have read this book, and am amazed at the video, I still find that I'm missing the point of her message; hope. She speaks about her harrowing rescue and return to life through faith, but when I read her story all I can think about is the bridge. The crying, the thoughts that this won't end, the hopelessness. To me, her story ends on the bridge and I totally miss the happy ending. Happiness, what is that anyway?

I would absolutely love to write a book one day about my experience - to provide someone else with hope and faith for a future. I just have to get there myself first, and I have a hard time picturing myself on the other side.

So for now I sit on my bridge, dangling my feet over the edge and praying that someone will come rescue ME and revive my faith in a happy ending.

Crash and Burn

So, by now you all know that I ended up back in the hospital. What happened? Where did we go wrong?

It had all been building since Christmas - many of you read my previous entry so I'm assuming you know sort of where my head was at (if that's at all possible). I felt like I was drowing in expectations - drowning in "holiday cheer". Every day that went by I slipped further and further down into the pit of my depression - not wanting to live, not wanting to fight.

My malfunctioning brain was getting upset because I didn't even have the option if killing myself; this little person who has blessed my life, but also torn it apart, was now preventing me from escaping my own personal hell. I had moments where I would resent her because I couldn't just leave - I couldn't just check out of this life and out of this pain. I truly believe that no one could ever know the pain of my depression - I physically hurt everyday that I have to deal with this.

Greg had stepped out for a little while, I told him it was okay to go, I was fine. That's part of my problem, always thinking I'm fine. He wouldn't be gone long. It wasn't too soon after that that I was sitting bawling my eyes out in our spare bedroom, Adelyn in her high chair happily playing with Sophie. I didn't even know what happened, I just had a meltdown. I thought about the knives...thought about all the things I could do with my new block of knives I got for Christmas...then I considered putting them outside just to get them out of my sight. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I got in touch with my sister who called my in-laws. My father in law showed up minutes later and took me to their place. By now we all know that my meltdowns aren't anything to be fooled around with, it can go bad pretty quickly. I had a meeting with FACS at their house (this was already scheduled) and it was determined that I needed to change my medications...and that meant I needed to go to the ER and see the on-call psychiatrist (my doctor is away until next week). I fought it...I knew if I was going there, I wasn't coming home that night. Everyone tried to reassure me that he would probably just change them and I could go, but I knew deep down that I needed to be in there.

Sure enough, once I got through the emerg the doctor told me that they had put me on a form...meaning I wasn't allowed to leave. I cried my eyes out; I couldn't do this again. My family couldn't do this again. In the midst of my tears I asked Greg to go home and grab some of my things so that I could stay over. He left and the nurses moved me to a "secure" room with a guard out front.

I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted the pain to go away...I couldn't stop crying. Then I remembered I had the ativan. All I needed to do was just take some ativan and it would all stop. First I took three, then two more...then another. After taking six I knew I needed to stop or I would be in big trouble. I opened the door to the nurse sitting there and said "please take these away, I have taken six", and went to lay down.

The nurse panicked and took all my things away. I was moved to a treatment room for observation...6 ativan isnt' all that much, but they wanted to watch me anyways, considering I'm on so many other mediactions. Luckily I was fine...didn't even get drowsy. They sent up "upstairs" - back to the Norris Wing. I felt pretty hopeless, like this was never going to end. This cycle was never going to stop.

I spend two painful nights in the hospital - luckily the doctor changed my meds and allowed me to leave on New Year's Eve. Now I'm back at home and feeling slightly better, but not by much. I am just hanging in there. My sister has agreed to move in with us, which is such a blessing; I couldn't do this without her (and of course Greg, and the rest of my family..).

So now we start another cycle...new arrangements, new medications. Not much else to say other than I'm praying with all my might that this might actually work out for me.