I'm Afraid to Say it...

It is with great caution that I'm going to say these words....

I feel good.

Whew, that was hard! I'm always afraid to say these things out loud, so as not to jinx myself. I've found in the past that when I feel OK, there is always a crash to follow, making me feel even worse.

I've taken 7 doses of Abilify now - the doctor said that it can work as early as 3 days, but may take up to 10 to feel any effects. I started noticing small changes on Saturday, and have proceeded to have 3 relatively "good" days.

Now, keeping in mind that good days for me are relative to my dark ones; so what constitutes a good day in my books? Sounds crazy, but a good day is one where I don't think of killing myself (this was daily before). I haven't had any suicidal thoughts in 3 whole days. I expect them to rear their ugly head again at some point, but for now, I'm impressed with the string of non-suicidal days.

The second big change I've noticed is a little harder to explain. Do you know when you think about something, like taking a bath, and feel "ooh, that would be nice"? You know that feeling of positive anticipation? I had none of that. It's like when I was pregnant and stood in the grocery store and couldn't think of ONE thing that was appetizing; that was the same feeling I have/had with the depression. I couldn't think of anything that would make me happy, not one measly thing. Now I think about our Jamaica trip (leaving on the 21st!) and get excited. Excitement is an emotion that didn't exist previously. I think about taking a nap, or having a cup of coffee and I feel happy. Small things, but they make all the difference to me. I have the capacity to FEEL something positive and that is amazing.

I still feel like I have a long road ahead of me; the anxiety is still very real, and there are parts of the depression that have a death grip on me. But, I need to celebrate the small victories right now. I hope that I haven't "jinxed" myself by putting this in writing, but I do believe the Abilify is working for me, and will continue to make me feel more like myself. I am able to feel everyone's positive energy and prayers, so I thank you for those.

Today, I have my hope back.