Hope, In a Pill

Hope is definitely something I'm lacking these days. For whatever reason, I cannot seem to bring myself out of this hole. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread at home...just barely clawing my way out of this depressive pit.

I went to the doctor today (I go once a week) and told her how badly I've been feeling - I haven't seen her since I was in the hospital as she was off for the holidays. She said "if you could change one symptom of this whole episode, what would it be?" I told her that I wanted to get rid of this sense of dread - this idea that nothing can help me.

So this brings us to the newest pill in my psychotropic soup - Abilify. Abilify is a new drug that claims to treat the most treatment-resistant depression. I have actually already been on Abilify once, but came off of it because it was too expensive (ranges from $100-200 per month). Thinking back, I felt pretty good at the time, but was on so many other medications and thought that they were keeping me going, not the expensive Abilify (or that's what I told myself anyways).

Luckily, Dr. Asti has lots of samples, and offered to give me enough to try for a month. She tells me that I should feel better within a week to 10 days. So there it is, hope in a pill. I left the appointment feeling a little lighter, a little less hopeless. Maybe this will work. Maybe I CAN feel better. So I'm hanging on to this hope today, because maybe it will be gone tomorrow, I never know.

For those of you wanna-be-psychiatrists, I am currently on this cocktail: Seroquel, Risperdone, Cipralex, Ativan, and now Abilify. I have also tried: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Imipramine, Nortryptaline, and Celexa. How's that for a lab rat?

One other interesting point of my meeting with Dr. Asti was the discussion of Electricconvulsive Therapy (ECT). This involves hooking up electrodes to the brain and sending an electric current through my body and into my brain, causing my neurotransmitters to function more effectively. Dr. Asti would like me to go for a consultation with a specialist in Hamilton regarding my suitability for the treatment. I thought that I would never ever consider this, but given my situation, I am contemplating going for the appointment just to see what they have to say. I still don't know if I'm for it, but I've got nothing to lose by going.

So that's it for today...thank-you again for all your prayers and messages of support.

PS - I'm sorry for the crappy formatting (no paragraphs in some posts) - I can't seem to figure out why it condenses all my paragraphs...hopefully it's not too hard on your eyes!