Alone Time

I had a meeting with FACS yesterday about my alone time with Adelyn. I told them I was feeling better, and that I had the desire to try and be with her alone. They disagreed and told me that I was still to be with someone 24/7. Unfortunately I'm breaking their rule today. Kristin has school this afternoon, and although I had a plan for someone to be here, it didn't work out. I decided that I was going to take this time and see how it goes for me to be by myself (don't tell FACS!).

I still have a lot of anxiety when it comes to Adelyn - for example, right now I am sitting here on the computer trying to forget the fact that she is awake in her crib (when she is supposed to be napping). Any change in her schedule really gets to me, and I'm trying to work on that (to no avail). I count on her to sleep two hours...and that means I count on getting 2 hours of time alone, but it's clear that sometimes that just doesn't work out as I had planned.

I just finished watching Teen Mom 2. It must sound really strange, but I look up to those girls. I feel like they are such better moms then I am. They are going to school, working, AND taking care of their babies (in one case, the mom has TWINS). I can barely even stand to be alone with my child for more than an hour. How is this possible? That is part of the reason why I find these shows (16 & Pregnant) so fascinating...I'm amazed at how they can make it all work, and I watch to try and figure out how I can get some of their "care free" attitude.

Although I do enjoy watching baby shows, sometimes they just make me really sad. I truly miss my pregnancy, when I was happy and didn't have all these problems. I'm sad about the first 7 weeks of Adelyn's life...how I didn't enjoy it at all. I watch shows like A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby and all I can do is think about how happy everyone looks, and how much I missed out on. I don't know if I will ever get over that - not being able to fully experience this magical time in my life. I'm to the point where I can't tell if I feel that way because my experience was so different from everyone else's, or if they are just putting on some sort of show. I only know what was normal for me, and it definitely didn't look like the happy people on TV.

I guess you could say that I'm in a period of mourning right now, and have been for a few months already. I'm mourning the loss of that happy time in my life, and mourning the loss of Adelyn's first few months. I'm grieving the absence of normalcy in my life...not being able to function like a "normal" mother. I really hope that, in these next few months, that I will be able to get some of those moments back - to be able to enjoy Adelyn like I haven't been before.

If you are wondering, I am still feeling less depressed - much much better than previously. It seems as though the medications are finally working, and now I'm having to deal with my "thinking" problems...like the anxiety and the sadness that has emerged over the whole situation. I am so thankful that something has actually worked and that the depression is about 60-70% better. This has been one HUGE step in my recovery, although I know I have a lot more to trudge through before this is behind me.

Wish me luck, I still have an hour and a half to go.