I am not ashamed of what PPD has done to me - I have never been quiet about my illness and I never will. I'm saddened to hear that people at my work have been discussing my capabilities and talking about me in a negative light. I don't know how this information was passed along - most likely Facebook, but it really frustrates me because I am trying to help people by being forthright with my illness, and it comes to bite me in the butt. Work wants to know if I'm okay to drive...if I'm okay to be with the residents...if I'm okay to handle outings. I guess I asked for this to happen, since I have written a lot about how PPD has hindered me.
Other than this my work meeting went well. I really should watch what I write on here, but I will give a run down. They offered me a part time position as a Recreation Director (same position I had) 2 days per week. I will say that I am happy with the position, just wish it could be a few more hours per week to help out financially. They want me to have my psychiatrist sign off on the job description before I start work, which I guess I understand. A little bit degrading, but I see where they are coming from.
I don't want to say I regret anything I've written on the internet, but I regret the image that is now out there of me. Poor crazy Amanda. Amanda who cries during work meetings because she's unstable. Amanda who can't be left alone with her daughter for fear that she will hurt herself or the baby. Amanda who once was not allowed to drive because of medication issues. The list goes on. And I've put all this information, all this dirty laundry, out there for YOU to read and see that a) you're not alone if you have PPD and/or b) you can understand PPD better. That is my cause and I will not be ashamed about it. Screw anyone who thinks less of me.
Speaking of my cause, I have also started a new Facebook group that I would love for people to join! It's called Postpartum Depression Support Niagara, and even if you are not in the Niagara Region please look us up and join up - you can chat with other mom's and I'm hoping to get some good links and information up there. We are going to have get togethers (probably every other week) and I would love to meet some new people if there are people out there that are within driving distance. I thank you in advance for joining!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Caffeine Catch 22
So I never used to drink coffee because it would make me so sick to my stomach. Also gave me the jitters so bad and an awful headache. But, somewhere along the past year, I seemed to pick up the habit. I remember relishing my cup of joe at 8:30 am, after Adelyn was down for her morning nap when she was only a few weeks old. I needed that cup of coffee to wake up since I had been awake every two hours the night before.
Present day - I think I'm a better mom on caffeine. I'm happier, I'm more able to get off my butt, and I'm able to handle more. Catch 22 - the caffeine excacerbates my anxiety. I get jittery still and am very high strung. What made me blog about this it, yesterday, I spent almost the entire day in bed because I didn't have a cup of coffee. I didn't realize how much it affected me until yesterday. I just couldn't get up, I was so tired and lethargic. Today I had my cup first thing, and I felt much better today - I don't want to be in my bed, so that's a good sign. I honestly feel like I get better results from a cup of coffee than I do my antidepressants.
Speaking of antidepressants - I upped my Pritiq (on my own) to 150 mg in the morning. I know I shouldn't have done this without my doctor's consent, but I needed something. As you can tell from my last post, I had a terrible weekend and I'm just looking for SOMETHING to work. Not sure if I'm feeling the effects of the increase or not, but I have been feeling a wee bit better. More optimistic and less gloomy. However, I did spend all day yesterday in bed, so I guess that means that I'm not as happy as I think I am.
Tomorrow, I have my meeting with work to find out about this part-time job that they are offering me. I'm so nervous because of the last meeting, where I cried most of the time. I'm so worried that I will cry again, that was so embarassing. It's as if I don't have any control over my emotions - I'm on a roller coaster and all I can do is hang on for the ride. I don't know what my body has in store for me tomorrow, but I pray that I can keep my composure. I will update on here most likely Thursday.
Lately what I've been thinking about is, "gee, it would be nice to get together with other moms with PPD". There are plenty of moms groups in my area, but I don't know any that are for moms with PPD specifically. I just want to be around others like me - I'm tempted to make a group, but I don't know if it would fly. If anyone has any input on here I would love to hear it. I just feel like I don't "fit in" with a lot of moms because I've been so sick - my child has had a different up-bringing than so many others and I want to relate to other woman that have been in my situation. Just a dream I guess!
Present day - I think I'm a better mom on caffeine. I'm happier, I'm more able to get off my butt, and I'm able to handle more. Catch 22 - the caffeine excacerbates my anxiety. I get jittery still and am very high strung. What made me blog about this it, yesterday, I spent almost the entire day in bed because I didn't have a cup of coffee. I didn't realize how much it affected me until yesterday. I just couldn't get up, I was so tired and lethargic. Today I had my cup first thing, and I felt much better today - I don't want to be in my bed, so that's a good sign. I honestly feel like I get better results from a cup of coffee than I do my antidepressants.
Speaking of antidepressants - I upped my Pritiq (on my own) to 150 mg in the morning. I know I shouldn't have done this without my doctor's consent, but I needed something. As you can tell from my last post, I had a terrible weekend and I'm just looking for SOMETHING to work. Not sure if I'm feeling the effects of the increase or not, but I have been feeling a wee bit better. More optimistic and less gloomy. However, I did spend all day yesterday in bed, so I guess that means that I'm not as happy as I think I am.
Tomorrow, I have my meeting with work to find out about this part-time job that they are offering me. I'm so nervous because of the last meeting, where I cried most of the time. I'm so worried that I will cry again, that was so embarassing. It's as if I don't have any control over my emotions - I'm on a roller coaster and all I can do is hang on for the ride. I don't know what my body has in store for me tomorrow, but I pray that I can keep my composure. I will update on here most likely Thursday.
Lately what I've been thinking about is, "gee, it would be nice to get together with other moms with PPD". There are plenty of moms groups in my area, but I don't know any that are for moms with PPD specifically. I just want to be around others like me - I'm tempted to make a group, but I don't know if it would fly. If anyone has any input on here I would love to hear it. I just feel like I don't "fit in" with a lot of moms because I've been so sick - my child has had a different up-bringing than so many others and I want to relate to other woman that have been in my situation. Just a dream I guess!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
PMS or Bust
I better have PMS...or else I'm in trouble. I have been so weepy and emotional the past few days, I can't even take it. I feel like I'm sliding back down hill, inch by inch. I'm going back down that black hole that I can't see myself out of. How can someone not think about suicide when this is all there is to life? I just want to be normal, and I cry as I write this because it hurts me so bad. Normal...just want to be normal. A normal mother. A normal woman. A normal person with a normal brain. My heart aches to feel normalcy again - just a shred of it pretty pretty please.
As I write the keys are slipping because of my tears. I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't live like this. I can't put my family through this over and over again. We've been through enough pain, enough heartache. I have a little girl that needs her mommy, but mommy is lost. She doesn't even really know her mommy because mommy has been missing her entire life. She knows a shell of her real mommy. And I feel so sorry for her. She's missing out on a great person that is buried somewhere deep inside the depths of postpartum depression. How sad for everyone.
I feel like I can't even say that I'm feeling bad anymore. Everyone expects me to be "fine" - I've spent 6 months of my life in the hospital, you'd think that would amount to something and that I would be on the mend. Like I said, I truly hope these feelings are PMS related, because I'm really going down a dark path again. I love my family, but I don't want to be here anymore. Is that wrong? I wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes the thought of it is comforting. Like there is an escape, and I can use the "chicken exit" at any time.
I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me, but rather to understand. I want people to understand that recovery isn't a linear path, but rather one riddled with peaks and valleys - very high highs and extrememly low lows. Just because I'm on medication doesn't mean I'm healed. Just because the doctor gives me a diagnosis and a new pink pill doesn't mean I will be better. I'm a hurt and broken spirit that is filled with chemicals. The chemicals that are supposed to be correcting my brain chemistry to make me "normal". Oh how I wish I were normal.
As I write the keys are slipping because of my tears. I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't live like this. I can't put my family through this over and over again. We've been through enough pain, enough heartache. I have a little girl that needs her mommy, but mommy is lost. She doesn't even really know her mommy because mommy has been missing her entire life. She knows a shell of her real mommy. And I feel so sorry for her. She's missing out on a great person that is buried somewhere deep inside the depths of postpartum depression. How sad for everyone.
I feel like I can't even say that I'm feeling bad anymore. Everyone expects me to be "fine" - I've spent 6 months of my life in the hospital, you'd think that would amount to something and that I would be on the mend. Like I said, I truly hope these feelings are PMS related, because I'm really going down a dark path again. I love my family, but I don't want to be here anymore. Is that wrong? I wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes the thought of it is comforting. Like there is an escape, and I can use the "chicken exit" at any time.
I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me, but rather to understand. I want people to understand that recovery isn't a linear path, but rather one riddled with peaks and valleys - very high highs and extrememly low lows. Just because I'm on medication doesn't mean I'm healed. Just because the doctor gives me a diagnosis and a new pink pill doesn't mean I will be better. I'm a hurt and broken spirit that is filled with chemicals. The chemicals that are supposed to be correcting my brain chemistry to make me "normal". Oh how I wish I were normal.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Test, Test, Are Those Pills Working?!
So my work meeting ended with me bawling my eyes out and leaving the office. Not exactly how I had imagined it in my head. It all went wrong.
They started the meeting by asking me how I was feeling...which...duh, of course I'm not feeling "myself" - I just got out of the hospital a week ago! They asked me if I felt that I could do my old job and I honestly answered "I don't know". They reminded me that my old job is 40 -50 hours per week, evenings, weekends, and a lot of responsibility. They told me to be fair to the residents. They told me that they didn't want me to fail. Good intentions, maybe, but I just heard "we don't think you can do this". I just heard "you have no options". I broke down fairly early into the meeting.
Then they tell me they've been holding a job for me - a part time job on Port Colborne. Well, that's nice! you say...yes, it's nice, but it's not my old job. I want my old job back. Could I call them and tell them I want it back? - sure. But I know I can't perform and that's what's got me so down. PPD has taken everything from me, now it's just my job. I'm pissed off at PPD right now - how dare it steal the one thing that made me feel normal?? I was good at my job, and I loved it, so now this is just one more thing that I have to grieve. As if I don't have enough things on THAT list.
I feel like this is a true test to see if my pills are working...to see if I will go down hill. Last night I came home and went straight into bed (at 5pm) because I just wanted to cry and be alone. That lasted 45 mins before I could drag myself out. Today I just want to do the same thing - this is what my depression feels like and it scares the crap out of me. I need something to drag me out of this hole...I can't let myself go down this road again. I'm just so angry and so frustrated at the situation that I can't see a way out right now.
I should be happy that they've saved this part time job for me...I should be thankful, so why can't I be? No matter how hard I try I just feel depressed about the whole thing. I hope that as the days pass maybe it will get easier - it better get easier because whether I like it or not, I have a job to do.
They started the meeting by asking me how I was feeling...which...duh, of course I'm not feeling "myself" - I just got out of the hospital a week ago! They asked me if I felt that I could do my old job and I honestly answered "I don't know". They reminded me that my old job is 40 -50 hours per week, evenings, weekends, and a lot of responsibility. They told me to be fair to the residents. They told me that they didn't want me to fail. Good intentions, maybe, but I just heard "we don't think you can do this". I just heard "you have no options". I broke down fairly early into the meeting.
Then they tell me they've been holding a job for me - a part time job on Port Colborne. Well, that's nice! you say...yes, it's nice, but it's not my old job. I want my old job back. Could I call them and tell them I want it back? - sure. But I know I can't perform and that's what's got me so down. PPD has taken everything from me, now it's just my job. I'm pissed off at PPD right now - how dare it steal the one thing that made me feel normal?? I was good at my job, and I loved it, so now this is just one more thing that I have to grieve. As if I don't have enough things on THAT list.
I feel like this is a true test to see if my pills are working...to see if I will go down hill. Last night I came home and went straight into bed (at 5pm) because I just wanted to cry and be alone. That lasted 45 mins before I could drag myself out. Today I just want to do the same thing - this is what my depression feels like and it scares the crap out of me. I need something to drag me out of this hole...I can't let myself go down this road again. I'm just so angry and so frustrated at the situation that I can't see a way out right now.
I should be happy that they've saved this part time job for me...I should be thankful, so why can't I be? No matter how hard I try I just feel depressed about the whole thing. I hope that as the days pass maybe it will get easier - it better get easier because whether I like it or not, I have a job to do.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Too Mixed to Mention
I know everyone is probably wondering how my time at home is going. I really don't even know where to start - it has been such a mixed experience that it's too difficult to capture in a sentence, or even a paragraph.
I still have a lot of anxiety, and little endurance. Which is not a good combination. I get tired quickly and frustrated easily. When I get frustrated it's hard to control my thoughts - hard not to let them go down "that" road (suicidal ideation). FACs asked me today - have you had any intrusive thoughts? Of course I have, but I'm not going to tell you! I know that's bad, but I hate it that people are always trying to get in to my head...and then when they don't understand what is going on in there, they overreact. No one understands my thoughts, not even me!
My anxiety still very much focuses on what to do with Adelyn...I spent all weekend at home with Greg and Adelyn, and although this would have been a great weekend before, it was awful in terms of anxiety. I couldn't handle it. The thought of having to entertain her 24/7 is so overwhelming that I just want to curl up in bed and hide (which I did for about 45 mins on Sunday). It's like I'm running on fuel and as the hours and days go on, my gas tank empties and there's nothing left. I feel like a shell of a human being - bleak, blank - empty. I told Greg that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. There was nothing there, couldn't even muster a tear.
On the positive side - I survived the weekend! That's about it. Oh, and I survived driving to Woodstock for my neice's first birthday (Happy Birthday Tamara!) - I was SO anxious about that but it all worked out perfectly (trip to Woodstock - check). I don't know if I got anything else positive from it since I felt defeated not encouraged at the end. It was just too much for my first weekend home from the hospital.
So, what is my plan now? Chelsea is still here (and will be for a while) all week and hopefully on weekends Adelyn will go to my in-laws. I feel a lot of guilt over a) spending the money on a nanny and b) my in-laws taking Adelyn, but what choice do I have? I could go back into the hospital, but what good would that do anyone? And don't read that wrong, I'm NOT suggesting I should go back in...I'm definitely better than I was prior to admission. I feel like if I only have Adelyn for 5 days (and still not with full responsibility) then I can handle it. I haven't had a good chance to try this out since this weekend was a bit of a mess (my in-laws couldn't take Adelyn so I decided to tough it out).
If anyone is wondering about my work sitiuation - my boss cancelled my meeting on Friday so I won't know until tomorrow at 4 pm. I'm due to go back in less than 2 months, so I'm VERY anxious about this. I'm going in extremely vulnerable so I'm really scared to hear what they have to say, or if they have ultimatums. I may or may not have a job after tomorrow. I will definitely update once I have had the meeting.
Hope everyone has had a great start to their week!
Amanda
I still have a lot of anxiety, and little endurance. Which is not a good combination. I get tired quickly and frustrated easily. When I get frustrated it's hard to control my thoughts - hard not to let them go down "that" road (suicidal ideation). FACs asked me today - have you had any intrusive thoughts? Of course I have, but I'm not going to tell you! I know that's bad, but I hate it that people are always trying to get in to my head...and then when they don't understand what is going on in there, they overreact. No one understands my thoughts, not even me!
My anxiety still very much focuses on what to do with Adelyn...I spent all weekend at home with Greg and Adelyn, and although this would have been a great weekend before, it was awful in terms of anxiety. I couldn't handle it. The thought of having to entertain her 24/7 is so overwhelming that I just want to curl up in bed and hide (which I did for about 45 mins on Sunday). It's like I'm running on fuel and as the hours and days go on, my gas tank empties and there's nothing left. I feel like a shell of a human being - bleak, blank - empty. I told Greg that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. There was nothing there, couldn't even muster a tear.
On the positive side - I survived the weekend! That's about it. Oh, and I survived driving to Woodstock for my neice's first birthday (Happy Birthday Tamara!) - I was SO anxious about that but it all worked out perfectly (trip to Woodstock - check). I don't know if I got anything else positive from it since I felt defeated not encouraged at the end. It was just too much for my first weekend home from the hospital.
So, what is my plan now? Chelsea is still here (and will be for a while) all week and hopefully on weekends Adelyn will go to my in-laws. I feel a lot of guilt over a) spending the money on a nanny and b) my in-laws taking Adelyn, but what choice do I have? I could go back into the hospital, but what good would that do anyone? And don't read that wrong, I'm NOT suggesting I should go back in...I'm definitely better than I was prior to admission. I feel like if I only have Adelyn for 5 days (and still not with full responsibility) then I can handle it. I haven't had a good chance to try this out since this weekend was a bit of a mess (my in-laws couldn't take Adelyn so I decided to tough it out).
If anyone is wondering about my work sitiuation - my boss cancelled my meeting on Friday so I won't know until tomorrow at 4 pm. I'm due to go back in less than 2 months, so I'm VERY anxious about this. I'm going in extremely vulnerable so I'm really scared to hear what they have to say, or if they have ultimatums. I may or may not have a job after tomorrow. I will definitely update once I have had the meeting.
Hope everyone has had a great start to their week!
Amanda
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
For All Those Like Me
I've been doing some reflecting lately as to why I write this blog. Of course I do it to update all of you who have so graciously supported me through my journey, but there's more to it than that. I do it to provide awareness of PPD and to make others out there like me to feel less alone. I want everyone reading this, who has PPD/PPA/OCD, etc, etc. to feel, in some way, that they are supported and that they are not the only ones out there that feel the way they do.
In an effort to make us feel less isolated I would like to ask all those who are reading this blog that are suffering (or have suffered) to comment below and add a comment of support (or a quote if you can't think of anything). Help all of us to feel connected, not to mention this would help me out a lot too. We are not fighting this battle alone; there are millions of women who have had the same thoughts and struggles that we have, let's show eachother that this is true. I thank all of you in advance for your comments - I know you're out there!
Aside from my rally for support I thought I would also post my update as to how my "home coming" went. Well, it has been a little bit of a bumpy road, but I am still here. I broke the rules a little when I took Adelyn out for a walk by myself (I'm supposed to be accompanied at all times), and she cried for about 15 mins straight...almost the whole way back to the house. My brain couldn't handle it and the thoughts started coming back. Just like the doctor said to me, the bad thoughts are triggered by stress and are part of my OCD tendencies. It is unfortunate that I put myself in that situation, but I'm happy to say that at least I lived through it without doing anything stupid. It's not as if I think that I WILL do anything, it's just the thoughts that go through my head that make my agitated. To elaborate, yesterday I had thoughts of parking her stroller in the ditch and leaving her there while I walked home. Awful, I know, but I'm just being honest about what's going through my head. Would I ever do that? I highly doubt it, but again these thoughts just run through my head like a bad movie, over and over again. I have to try harder not to put myself in those types of situations.
Other than that one incident, my home coming is going pretty well. I've been able to care for Adelyn, however, it is a lot different than knowing I'm going back to the hospital. It's as if someone has ripped away my safety net and I'm walking a tight rope 100 feet in the air. Anything can tip me over the edge - that's how I feel. I'm working hard at focusing my mind on the positive things I've done, and accomplished in the time that I had passes from the hospital - to prove to myself that I can do it, because I HAVE done it. It continues to be an uphill battle everyday.
In other news, I have a meeting with my boss on Friday. This is a big deal because it will determine whether or not I have a job to return to. Short of begging for my position back, I'm going to request fewer hours (say, 35 instead of 40) and see where that negotiation takes me. I don't think I can handle full time hours right now, but I don't know if they are willing to allow my position to be re-structured like that. This is a really big thing for me and I pray that whatever happens, is meant to happen.
So there is my update...the good the bad and the ugly. Again, I write this blog with blunt honesty because I feel like it will help someone out there - I don't want to hide my feelings because too many women with PPD feel like they have to hide. Please take my honesty and be inspired to comment here, and wear your PPD badge proudly. You are all amazingly strong women, and this post is for you.
Amanda
In an effort to make us feel less isolated I would like to ask all those who are reading this blog that are suffering (or have suffered) to comment below and add a comment of support (or a quote if you can't think of anything). Help all of us to feel connected, not to mention this would help me out a lot too. We are not fighting this battle alone; there are millions of women who have had the same thoughts and struggles that we have, let's show eachother that this is true. I thank all of you in advance for your comments - I know you're out there!
Aside from my rally for support I thought I would also post my update as to how my "home coming" went. Well, it has been a little bit of a bumpy road, but I am still here. I broke the rules a little when I took Adelyn out for a walk by myself (I'm supposed to be accompanied at all times), and she cried for about 15 mins straight...almost the whole way back to the house. My brain couldn't handle it and the thoughts started coming back. Just like the doctor said to me, the bad thoughts are triggered by stress and are part of my OCD tendencies. It is unfortunate that I put myself in that situation, but I'm happy to say that at least I lived through it without doing anything stupid. It's not as if I think that I WILL do anything, it's just the thoughts that go through my head that make my agitated. To elaborate, yesterday I had thoughts of parking her stroller in the ditch and leaving her there while I walked home. Awful, I know, but I'm just being honest about what's going through my head. Would I ever do that? I highly doubt it, but again these thoughts just run through my head like a bad movie, over and over again. I have to try harder not to put myself in those types of situations.
Other than that one incident, my home coming is going pretty well. I've been able to care for Adelyn, however, it is a lot different than knowing I'm going back to the hospital. It's as if someone has ripped away my safety net and I'm walking a tight rope 100 feet in the air. Anything can tip me over the edge - that's how I feel. I'm working hard at focusing my mind on the positive things I've done, and accomplished in the time that I had passes from the hospital - to prove to myself that I can do it, because I HAVE done it. It continues to be an uphill battle everyday.
In other news, I have a meeting with my boss on Friday. This is a big deal because it will determine whether or not I have a job to return to. Short of begging for my position back, I'm going to request fewer hours (say, 35 instead of 40) and see where that negotiation takes me. I don't think I can handle full time hours right now, but I don't know if they are willing to allow my position to be re-structured like that. This is a really big thing for me and I pray that whatever happens, is meant to happen.
So there is my update...the good the bad and the ugly. Again, I write this blog with blunt honesty because I feel like it will help someone out there - I don't want to hide my feelings because too many women with PPD feel like they have to hide. Please take my honesty and be inspired to comment here, and wear your PPD badge proudly. You are all amazingly strong women, and this post is for you.
Amanda
Monday, April 11, 2011
One Step Forward...
...and (0) steps back?? That's what I'm praying for as I leave the hospital tomorrow morning. Realistic or not, that's all I can hope for right now.
I talked to my doctor this morning and told her how good my time out had gone (I hadn't seen her since last Tuesday since I've been out and about!)...then I asked the big question, "can I go home..?" Surprisingly she agreed! She feels that I am doing well enough to go home with help (I have the nanny). She did warn me that any anxiety could bring on some of my symptoms like suicidal ideation and thoughts of harming Adelyn. She told me this just so that I will be aware of my limits, and recognize when it has been too much for me to handle. So, with her blessing, I will leave tomorrow.
And how do I feel about this? Scared out of my mind would just about sum it up. I am SO afraid of this not working - the anxiety overwhelms me. Because of that, you won't see me jumping for joy for being let out. I'm very very cautious because of all the failures I've had in the past. I feel that I have come a long way, but being without the safety net of the hospital is very scary to put it mildly.
So what is my plan? Well, I have Chelsea here full-time (Mon - Fri), and on weekends my wonderful in-laws take Adelyn. I'm going to be on about 2 months of 24 hour supervision (as ordered by Family and Children's Services), which I guess is good, but can be annoying at the same time. I plan on trying my hardest to use the help that I have, and to speak up when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm very bad at doing this. I tend to push and push until I break. If I've learned anything over the past 8 weeks it should be how to recognize my breaking point. We'll see how good I am at that in the next few days and weeks.
Another reason I know I'm getting better - my thoughts fight back. What does that mean?, you say...well, when I went into the hopsital I would think things like "I want to kill myself" and my thoughts' response would be "ya, life is not worth living, I want to die". Now, my thoughts will be more like "no, this is not what I want for myself, I want to be here for my family". I see a purpose in living again. I love my family (more than my own life), and I can no longer stand the thought of leaving them. THAT'S truly how you know you're getting better. Am I perfect? No. Am I "cured"? Heck no. I find that there's a whole spectrum of PPD out there - from mild blues to the depths of despair. I'm not as "mild" as the mild blues, but I'm out of the dark pit that I've spent so many weeks and months in. My medications are stablilized, and I think, thanks to the lithium, so are my emotions.
So there it is, I'm taking the next step and, although exciting, I do it with trepidation. I have to guard myself and warn my family - this illness has not retreated yet, I'm still sick - just not as sick as I was. I need to expect some form of relapse, and expect my thoughts to turn dark every so often. I don't know anything else - I've spent the last (almost) 11 months in a dark cloud so thick I couldn't see my way out. Slowly I'm seeing the light, but I have a lot of dense fog still in the way. I appreciate all the continuing support as I make this next step.
Thank-you.
I talked to my doctor this morning and told her how good my time out had gone (I hadn't seen her since last Tuesday since I've been out and about!)...then I asked the big question, "can I go home..?" Surprisingly she agreed! She feels that I am doing well enough to go home with help (I have the nanny). She did warn me that any anxiety could bring on some of my symptoms like suicidal ideation and thoughts of harming Adelyn. She told me this just so that I will be aware of my limits, and recognize when it has been too much for me to handle. So, with her blessing, I will leave tomorrow.
And how do I feel about this? Scared out of my mind would just about sum it up. I am SO afraid of this not working - the anxiety overwhelms me. Because of that, you won't see me jumping for joy for being let out. I'm very very cautious because of all the failures I've had in the past. I feel that I have come a long way, but being without the safety net of the hospital is very scary to put it mildly.
So what is my plan? Well, I have Chelsea here full-time (Mon - Fri), and on weekends my wonderful in-laws take Adelyn. I'm going to be on about 2 months of 24 hour supervision (as ordered by Family and Children's Services), which I guess is good, but can be annoying at the same time. I plan on trying my hardest to use the help that I have, and to speak up when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm very bad at doing this. I tend to push and push until I break. If I've learned anything over the past 8 weeks it should be how to recognize my breaking point. We'll see how good I am at that in the next few days and weeks.
Another reason I know I'm getting better - my thoughts fight back. What does that mean?, you say...well, when I went into the hopsital I would think things like "I want to kill myself" and my thoughts' response would be "ya, life is not worth living, I want to die". Now, my thoughts will be more like "no, this is not what I want for myself, I want to be here for my family". I see a purpose in living again. I love my family (more than my own life), and I can no longer stand the thought of leaving them. THAT'S truly how you know you're getting better. Am I perfect? No. Am I "cured"? Heck no. I find that there's a whole spectrum of PPD out there - from mild blues to the depths of despair. I'm not as "mild" as the mild blues, but I'm out of the dark pit that I've spent so many weeks and months in. My medications are stablilized, and I think, thanks to the lithium, so are my emotions.
So there it is, I'm taking the next step and, although exciting, I do it with trepidation. I have to guard myself and warn my family - this illness has not retreated yet, I'm still sick - just not as sick as I was. I need to expect some form of relapse, and expect my thoughts to turn dark every so often. I don't know anything else - I've spent the last (almost) 11 months in a dark cloud so thick I couldn't see my way out. Slowly I'm seeing the light, but I have a lot of dense fog still in the way. I appreciate all the continuing support as I make this next step.
Thank-you.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Try Honesty
I've said this phrase before - "fake it till you make it". That's what I've been told by others who have struggled with PPD. My question is, how do you know when you're not faking it anymore? My doctor and nurses keep telling me to be honest with myself, but how can I when I don't trust my feelings? Things have gone well this past two nights...but how do I know that I'm ready (or not) to be home? So many questions and no answers.
I know what "faking" it means - but don't know what "making" it looks like. Faking it means getting up out of bed even when you want to pull the covers over your head and never come out - it means going through the motions while your brain is spinning and thinking "how can I get out of here?!". Faking it means looking at your daughter and wanting to feel something for her, but it just doesn't come. There's nothing there.
Yes, I know faking it well, however, I feel like in these past few weeks I have really made some strides towards making it. Right now, making it looks like not having anxiety every time Adelyn is awake; not wanting to cry everytime she makes a wimper; having the strength to take care of her for an entire day. Even though I have made a lot of positive steps, I'm so afraid that I won't know when I'm ready to go home. I dont' trust my feelings as far as I can throw them (and clearly, you can't throw feelings!). I've trusted myself before, and it has ended up with me slicing up my arm, or overdosing on pills. So how do I know what honesty looks and feels like??
I'm petrified that I will go back to the hospital, and tell them that my pass went well...then we'll talk about dishcarge...then before I know it, after 8 long weeks, I will be on my way home. But on my way home to what? Just to deal with the same crap over and over and over again? How do I know that I won't end up back in the hospital again? I don't. And that's what scares the crap out of me. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed this time, I will lose my family, or lose myself. There's so much at stake this time that it makes me physically ill thinking about it.
So what do I do now? I hang on. I just keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour. I take my small triumphs and focus on the positives. That's all I can do, because, like I said, thinking about the alternative makes me sick. I also keep praying - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now. I praise God for the strength He has given me, and I hope to (one day) praise Him for my recovery from this terrible illness. Everybody keeps telling me that it is coming, and I feel that that is true - I just don't know when, and for someone with OCD that is not comforting at all.
So, cutting through all the emotional mess, this pass has gone quite well. I've enjoyed my time at home, and it will be very hard to return to the hospital tonight. I have spent some time baking, taking Adelyn for walks, and playing outside. Yesterday we spent almost 2 hours outside on the porch, it was glorious! A good pick-me-up for sure. I have been less anxious, however, I am still unable to really stay at home with Adelyn all day (I am literally afraid to do this). That is something I am working on, and hoping to do today. I don't know why it scares me so much, it just does. I want to be able to stay at home with her without the fear (mostly fear of how to keep her busy). Yet another thing I need to work on.
Here are some pictures of our time outside :)
And something we picked up on our walk "downtown" - some much-needed organizers for Adelyn's toy stash!
So, the next step is to go back to the hospital tonight, then I have day passes for Saturday and Sunday. Monday I see the doctor and talk to her about how my passes went - and talk about discharge. I really need to do some soul-searching and try being honest with myself about how I feel and if I'm really ready to go home. Please pray that I will find some clarity in this situation and I will know when it is time - the right time for me, and not because I am pressured by anyone else. Thank-you for your continuing concern and comments, I appreciate everything more than you know :)
Happy Weekend,
Amanda
I know what "faking" it means - but don't know what "making" it looks like. Faking it means getting up out of bed even when you want to pull the covers over your head and never come out - it means going through the motions while your brain is spinning and thinking "how can I get out of here?!". Faking it means looking at your daughter and wanting to feel something for her, but it just doesn't come. There's nothing there.
Yes, I know faking it well, however, I feel like in these past few weeks I have really made some strides towards making it. Right now, making it looks like not having anxiety every time Adelyn is awake; not wanting to cry everytime she makes a wimper; having the strength to take care of her for an entire day. Even though I have made a lot of positive steps, I'm so afraid that I won't know when I'm ready to go home. I dont' trust my feelings as far as I can throw them (and clearly, you can't throw feelings!). I've trusted myself before, and it has ended up with me slicing up my arm, or overdosing on pills. So how do I know what honesty looks and feels like??
I'm petrified that I will go back to the hospital, and tell them that my pass went well...then we'll talk about dishcarge...then before I know it, after 8 long weeks, I will be on my way home. But on my way home to what? Just to deal with the same crap over and over and over again? How do I know that I won't end up back in the hospital again? I don't. And that's what scares the crap out of me. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed this time, I will lose my family, or lose myself. There's so much at stake this time that it makes me physically ill thinking about it.
So what do I do now? I hang on. I just keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour. I take my small triumphs and focus on the positives. That's all I can do, because, like I said, thinking about the alternative makes me sick. I also keep praying - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now. I praise God for the strength He has given me, and I hope to (one day) praise Him for my recovery from this terrible illness. Everybody keeps telling me that it is coming, and I feel that that is true - I just don't know when, and for someone with OCD that is not comforting at all.
So, cutting through all the emotional mess, this pass has gone quite well. I've enjoyed my time at home, and it will be very hard to return to the hospital tonight. I have spent some time baking, taking Adelyn for walks, and playing outside. Yesterday we spent almost 2 hours outside on the porch, it was glorious! A good pick-me-up for sure. I have been less anxious, however, I am still unable to really stay at home with Adelyn all day (I am literally afraid to do this). That is something I am working on, and hoping to do today. I don't know why it scares me so much, it just does. I want to be able to stay at home with her without the fear (mostly fear of how to keep her busy). Yet another thing I need to work on.
Here are some pictures of our time outside :)
And something we picked up on our walk "downtown" - some much-needed organizers for Adelyn's toy stash!
So, the next step is to go back to the hospital tonight, then I have day passes for Saturday and Sunday. Monday I see the doctor and talk to her about how my passes went - and talk about discharge. I really need to do some soul-searching and try being honest with myself about how I feel and if I'm really ready to go home. Please pray that I will find some clarity in this situation and I will know when it is time - the right time for me, and not because I am pressured by anyone else. Thank-you for your continuing concern and comments, I appreciate everything more than you know :)
Happy Weekend,
Amanda
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Dare to Compare
I have had it with comparing babies. Just had it. I'm tired of looking at other babies and thinking "why can't Adelyn do that" "Adelyn doesn't even attempt to do that". I've come to the realization that she's going to be slow to develop certain skills and that's it. Her daddy didn't walk until late into his first year, so she may just be genetically programmed to develop at that rate. I was thinking that slow development = slow intellectually, but I know now that that's not the case. I have been asking a lot of people and I've met some extremely smart people that had a slow start, and vice versa. I just can't even tell you how exhausting it is so compare and worry all the time!
I also worry disproportionally because I read in a few places that children of mom's who have PPD develop slower than average, and I believe that. It makes sense because Adelyn has missed out on her "normal" mom since she was born - I wasn't making the right facial expressions to her because I was sad all the time, and she was passed from person to person on a daily, almost hourly basis sometimes. Now, I think this lifestyle has produced a very social child for me, but as a result I think she is slower in other areas...I don't read to her, I don't stimulate her as much as maybe the average mother would.
But you know what? I'm rebelling against this now. Screw comparing children. Every child develops at their own rate, and mine just happens to be slow. So what? I need to make a conscious effort to not let my brain go there - which is difficult to do when I know so many babies. One of the therapists told me this morning; smart parents don't make stupid children. Greg and I are both (I would like to think) smart, so Adelyn can't be THAT disadvantaged. I need to remember that.
So other than my rant, things are going pretty well. I did the overnight on the weekend with Greg and Adelyn home alone and it worked out! I took Adelyn to the park, and for a few walks. It was nice. Right now my biggest challenge is my anxiety...I can't just sit there while she is playing, but I also don't know WHAT to do. It's like a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I get so worked up that I'm bordering on a panic attack. Not a nice feeling at all. My doctor has prescribed Clonazepam for anxiety, but it makes you drowsy (and that's not good when taking care of a baby). I'm thankful that the depression is about 80% better, but it's just this darn anxiety that I can't shake...and if I'm not careful, it could lead me back down the depression road. I'm doing my best to combine medication which mental exercises to counteract the anxiety.
I have a two-night overnight tomorrow and Thursday, so that's a big deal. This is something that Family and Children's Services asked for before I am discharged from the hospital. I'm praying that it goes well and that maybe, just maybe, I can go home next week.
I also worry disproportionally because I read in a few places that children of mom's who have PPD develop slower than average, and I believe that. It makes sense because Adelyn has missed out on her "normal" mom since she was born - I wasn't making the right facial expressions to her because I was sad all the time, and she was passed from person to person on a daily, almost hourly basis sometimes. Now, I think this lifestyle has produced a very social child for me, but as a result I think she is slower in other areas...I don't read to her, I don't stimulate her as much as maybe the average mother would.
But you know what? I'm rebelling against this now. Screw comparing children. Every child develops at their own rate, and mine just happens to be slow. So what? I need to make a conscious effort to not let my brain go there - which is difficult to do when I know so many babies. One of the therapists told me this morning; smart parents don't make stupid children. Greg and I are both (I would like to think) smart, so Adelyn can't be THAT disadvantaged. I need to remember that.
So other than my rant, things are going pretty well. I did the overnight on the weekend with Greg and Adelyn home alone and it worked out! I took Adelyn to the park, and for a few walks. It was nice. Right now my biggest challenge is my anxiety...I can't just sit there while she is playing, but I also don't know WHAT to do. It's like a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I get so worked up that I'm bordering on a panic attack. Not a nice feeling at all. My doctor has prescribed Clonazepam for anxiety, but it makes you drowsy (and that's not good when taking care of a baby). I'm thankful that the depression is about 80% better, but it's just this darn anxiety that I can't shake...and if I'm not careful, it could lead me back down the depression road. I'm doing my best to combine medication which mental exercises to counteract the anxiety.
I have a two-night overnight tomorrow and Thursday, so that's a big deal. This is something that Family and Children's Services asked for before I am discharged from the hospital. I'm praying that it goes well and that maybe, just maybe, I can go home next week.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
There She Swings...
Although it may have been obvious by most readers by now (or not so much?), my moods change like the breeze. This is all part and parcel of my PPD (or bipolar, depending on who you ask). For instance, today I have had the whole range of emotions - from happy and elated, to down in the dumps. I'm on three, count them, three - mood stabilizers so you'd think that that would help some.
I did have some really good moments this morning, when I took Adelyn to the park on our own. I'm at my in-laws today and they have a nice park just up the street. I walked with her and played with her on the swings and slide. It was nice just to be the two of us. When I was walking back I caught myself thinking "man, I can't WAIT until she can walk/run and I can take her to the park and she can play". But then I said to myself "how do you know that you'll HAVE a tomorrow with her?" That really made me think. I have no idea that both of us are going to be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next after that. How dare I dream of tomorrow and I don't even know that there will be one? That really hit me and I'm trying my best to bring myself back to reality anytime my mind goes to that place - which I'll admit, is often.
Then the other extreme - my depression comes back when I push myself, and this weekend is a big push. I am spending the night and day tomorrow alone with Greg and Adelyn...yes, I did an overnight before, but Chelsea was here with me the entire time, so I had more help if needed. I am SO anxious about going home it's hard to put into words. I'm anxious that I will feel depressed - I am so scared of that feelings. Once you've had it, trust me, you never want it again. I'm trying to run so far away from that feeling that I am terrified of it catching up with me. I don't know how I will handle it if I feel depressed - everyone is expecting that I'm getting better, not worse. I don't know if I could handle a relapse at this point; I just want so badly to prove that I am getting well, and that I can do this.
Greg has not gotten back to his parents yet, but when he does we will pack up Adelyn and we will be on our own. I actually want to cry just thinking about it - and not even just in sadness, but also in joy. Joy that I have come to this place, joy that God has allowed me at least some healing. But as the clock ticks away, closer to that time when I have to leave, I feel the joy slipping away. I pray that I will be able to manage at home and that that will further boost my confidence. Right now I feel like someone has punched me hard in the chest and throat - the anxiety manifesting in physical pain. I need to tell myself I can do this, I need to have faith that it will be okay - it will be okay.
I did have some really good moments this morning, when I took Adelyn to the park on our own. I'm at my in-laws today and they have a nice park just up the street. I walked with her and played with her on the swings and slide. It was nice just to be the two of us. When I was walking back I caught myself thinking "man, I can't WAIT until she can walk/run and I can take her to the park and she can play". But then I said to myself "how do you know that you'll HAVE a tomorrow with her?" That really made me think. I have no idea that both of us are going to be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next after that. How dare I dream of tomorrow and I don't even know that there will be one? That really hit me and I'm trying my best to bring myself back to reality anytime my mind goes to that place - which I'll admit, is often.
Then the other extreme - my depression comes back when I push myself, and this weekend is a big push. I am spending the night and day tomorrow alone with Greg and Adelyn...yes, I did an overnight before, but Chelsea was here with me the entire time, so I had more help if needed. I am SO anxious about going home it's hard to put into words. I'm anxious that I will feel depressed - I am so scared of that feelings. Once you've had it, trust me, you never want it again. I'm trying to run so far away from that feeling that I am terrified of it catching up with me. I don't know how I will handle it if I feel depressed - everyone is expecting that I'm getting better, not worse. I don't know if I could handle a relapse at this point; I just want so badly to prove that I am getting well, and that I can do this.
Greg has not gotten back to his parents yet, but when he does we will pack up Adelyn and we will be on our own. I actually want to cry just thinking about it - and not even just in sadness, but also in joy. Joy that I have come to this place, joy that God has allowed me at least some healing. But as the clock ticks away, closer to that time when I have to leave, I feel the joy slipping away. I pray that I will be able to manage at home and that that will further boost my confidence. Right now I feel like someone has punched me hard in the chest and throat - the anxiety manifesting in physical pain. I need to tell myself I can do this, I need to have faith that it will be okay - it will be okay.
Friday, April 1, 2011
No News is Good News
"How did it go??" I've answered this question a thousand times over in the last 24hours (but I don't mind). Everyone wanting to know how my overnight went...and I really don't know what to say! Everything went well - I didn't sleep but that's typical. Nothing really eventful happened, for which I am thankful.
We took Adelyn swimming and I'm happy to report that it was a good experience! She didn't like getting out, and changing was difficult, but overall everything went well. I don't understand how someone could do that on their own though - I had Kris with me and that's the only way we could make it work (with changing, etc). Adelyn LOVED the water - all smiles. I would post a picture but they wouldn't let us take any :(
After swimming I came home and made pizza for dinner (didn't want to stress myself with cooking). I was so nervous about how Adelyn would be, considering her nap was messed up, but thankfully she was really good. If she would have been cranky I most likely would not have taken her swimming again, so I'm very thankful that things went the way they did.
Me spending the night at home was nice - but stressful at the same time. I have a really hard time waking up to Adelyn's "talking". I don't know why it is so hard, especially because she is so happy when she wakes up. I get very anxious, my heart starts to pound and I can't relax in bed - I'm wide awake long before Adelyn even stirs. I missed one of my sleeping pills that night, so I'm hoping that the next overnight I will be able to wake up more relaxed.
I then spent the whole day at home - I learned Adelyn is usually cranky in the morning, so that's something I have to deal with. Other than that the day, again, was uneventful and I don't have anything exciting to say! Overall, it was a success!
I went back to the hospital and saw my doctor this morning. She has given me another overnight tomorrow, and next week I will try two consecutive nights in a row at home. She said she is starting to think about discharge, so that's a good sign. There is no official date yet, but I am thinking this will be my last week in the hopsital (of course that could change). Just my opinion as of right now.
I think all the thoughts and prayers are paying off right now - good things are happening in my life and I am so extremely thankful. Please continue to pray that healing with be taken to the next level and I can get to where I should be. Thank-you for everything - for the prayers, for the well-wishes, for reading this blog. I appreciate each and every one of you :)
Enjoy the sunshine,
Amanda
We took Adelyn swimming and I'm happy to report that it was a good experience! She didn't like getting out, and changing was difficult, but overall everything went well. I don't understand how someone could do that on their own though - I had Kris with me and that's the only way we could make it work (with changing, etc). Adelyn LOVED the water - all smiles. I would post a picture but they wouldn't let us take any :(
After swimming I came home and made pizza for dinner (didn't want to stress myself with cooking). I was so nervous about how Adelyn would be, considering her nap was messed up, but thankfully she was really good. If she would have been cranky I most likely would not have taken her swimming again, so I'm very thankful that things went the way they did.
Me spending the night at home was nice - but stressful at the same time. I have a really hard time waking up to Adelyn's "talking". I don't know why it is so hard, especially because she is so happy when she wakes up. I get very anxious, my heart starts to pound and I can't relax in bed - I'm wide awake long before Adelyn even stirs. I missed one of my sleeping pills that night, so I'm hoping that the next overnight I will be able to wake up more relaxed.
I then spent the whole day at home - I learned Adelyn is usually cranky in the morning, so that's something I have to deal with. Other than that the day, again, was uneventful and I don't have anything exciting to say! Overall, it was a success!
I went back to the hospital and saw my doctor this morning. She has given me another overnight tomorrow, and next week I will try two consecutive nights in a row at home. She said she is starting to think about discharge, so that's a good sign. There is no official date yet, but I am thinking this will be my last week in the hopsital (of course that could change). Just my opinion as of right now.
I think all the thoughts and prayers are paying off right now - good things are happening in my life and I am so extremely thankful. Please continue to pray that healing with be taken to the next level and I can get to where I should be. Thank-you for everything - for the prayers, for the well-wishes, for reading this blog. I appreciate each and every one of you :)
Enjoy the sunshine,
Amanda
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