First of all, I would like to say thank you to all of those who responded with kind words to my previous post - some privately and some on the blog. I appreciate you sharing with me, and it really has helped me feel better about myself.
I was one of THOSE moms today. When I'm feeling badly, those that are "normal" become "those" people - the ones that can get up and lead a normal life with their children. Well, I'm happy to say that today, I was one of those moms that I envy. I got up this morning alone (Chelsea was gone) and got Adelyn ready for the day. I got up thinking that this was going to be a good day, not down in the dumps. I played with Adelyn at home without getting anxious about what to do with her next. We went to the park and had a playdate. I took her to the doctor's in the afternoon, and then enjoyed some time at the pier in Port Dalhousie.
Now, I know people do these things everyday. But I don't. I usually rely on Chelsea for childcare back up and for advice on almost everything. I'm not self-reliant at all. Maybe that's a learned behaviour, I don't know. But today I was someone else - someone that doesn't have PPD and thoughts of hurting themselves and their children. I was like any of those moms that I look at and envy because they are so incredibly normal. I enjoyed myself today, and that's also a huge thing because I have had little capacity for enjoyment in the last 12 months. I enjoyed the sunshine and I enjoyed spending some quality alone time with Adelyn. All in all it was a huge success.
So do I think I'm recovered? No. I know I have a looong way to go before I'm "better". Today was a little shaky at times (in terms of my thoughts) but I held it together. Maybe if Adelyn was in a bad mood I would have fallen apart. I'm still very fragile and emotional. So another day might be very different, so I don't expect that everything will be peachy from here on out. I expect to feel crappy again, and I expect that I will have meltdowns. I think it's better to expect the worst anyways. That way it can only get better!
Thanks again to everyone who has shared their personal lives with me - I appreciate not being the only one who is so open :) Please do keep responding, I really do get strength and hope from you.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Bad Mother
That's how I feel - I'm not cut out for this motherhood thing. Every time I see another mother and child I wonder if they feel the way I do, if they feel inadequate and inept. I wonder if they have thoughts of harming their child, or if they leave them in the car when they run to the bank machine. I wonder if they sometimes forget to put sunscreen on their kids - or sometimes realzing they forgot but don't anyways because it's too inconvenient to go to the car to get it. I wonder if they step away for two seconds to get a towel when their child is in the bath. I wonder if they think about the times when they didn't have kids, and sometimes long for those days back.
Do all these things make a bad mother? Is this what I have become...? Now you know all my sins, does this mean I love my child any less? I fall short in so many ways, but I feel that I still do love my daughter. But so often I observe everyone else's flawless lives and think "how did I get the short end of the stick?" I wish my situation was different - I want to feel that baby "itch" when I see a newborn, I want to say "yes, we want another child", I want to enjoy my daughter's life because I know she will grow up before I know it. At the same time, it feels like she won't ever grow up because time goes sooo slow in my world. Stressing about every little thing, worrying about this and about that - really makes the minutes tick by slower and slower.
Why did God do this to ME? Why can't I love being a mom like so many other people do? I don't understand the mothers with multiple children - how did you survive the first?? I can barely get through my days (whether at work or at home), so why does it look so easy for everyone else? Do other mothers spend all day at home and their baby's are happy and agreeable? Do other mothers feel happy when they wake up to a helpless baby every morning (or night in some cases)? So many questions I have but I don't know who will answer them - people either lie or really are perfect. At this rate, I would believe the latter compared to me.
Am I like this because I have PPD? Or is this what a mother feels like? A mixture of love, dislike, responsibility, pride? Do mom's have bad days just like me, and how bad are they? I wish I could see inside other people's lives...I wish they were open books like me - why does everyone else have to look so perfect? I'm frustrated with the concept that mother's have to look like they are enjoying every minute of the day - it really makes people like me feel worse than they know.
Do all these things make a bad mother? Is this what I have become...? Now you know all my sins, does this mean I love my child any less? I fall short in so many ways, but I feel that I still do love my daughter. But so often I observe everyone else's flawless lives and think "how did I get the short end of the stick?" I wish my situation was different - I want to feel that baby "itch" when I see a newborn, I want to say "yes, we want another child", I want to enjoy my daughter's life because I know she will grow up before I know it. At the same time, it feels like she won't ever grow up because time goes sooo slow in my world. Stressing about every little thing, worrying about this and about that - really makes the minutes tick by slower and slower.
Why did God do this to ME? Why can't I love being a mom like so many other people do? I don't understand the mothers with multiple children - how did you survive the first?? I can barely get through my days (whether at work or at home), so why does it look so easy for everyone else? Do other mothers spend all day at home and their baby's are happy and agreeable? Do other mothers feel happy when they wake up to a helpless baby every morning (or night in some cases)? So many questions I have but I don't know who will answer them - people either lie or really are perfect. At this rate, I would believe the latter compared to me.
Am I like this because I have PPD? Or is this what a mother feels like? A mixture of love, dislike, responsibility, pride? Do mom's have bad days just like me, and how bad are they? I wish I could see inside other people's lives...I wish they were open books like me - why does everyone else have to look so perfect? I'm frustrated with the concept that mother's have to look like they are enjoying every minute of the day - it really makes people like me feel worse than they know.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A New Stage of Recovery
I'm thankful to say that things got better after my PMS week - and after that terrible Friday where my thoughts of suicide returned. Now I'm at a different place (but who knows for how long). I feel like I can't count on anything to be permanent because it never is - something always seems to slip away from me. I'm hoping this time is different, that my feelings of mastery are real and that I CAN actually do this.
This week was my first week that Chelsea is reducing her hours. So she came at 1:30 pm Monday instead of Sunday night. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but to me, spending that morning alone, was extremely scary. I'm so happy to say that the morning went well - I kept busy, went shopping, visiting, etc. I didn't stay home (where I know the thoughts start). Before, I was beating myself up for running away from things at home...but I want to choose to look at leaving as my coping skill, and coping skills are positive. It is ok that I can't stay home because I am taking action to manage my thoughts and feelings. I'm being proactive instead of reactive. I need to keep telling myself that.
So, fresh off of a great morning I still feel the high a little...like "wow, I did that!". I'm going to enjoy the ride as long as I can because it usually ends pretty abruptly. So now I'm taking steps to try and move to the next stage of recovery - for Chelsea to move out. We are going to do this gradually, a day at a time. But, in order for her to do that, I need childcare options. I'm interviewing two daycare providers on Monday so that I can have a back-up plan. So that's the next step.
Today I'm hosting a Mom's Lunch for a bunch of friends. I'm very excited to be doing this "normal" thing and hopefully looking like I've attained some sense of normalcy. I'm not doing this for "show", but I do want to appear like I've got things down...well, not appear but SHOW that i DO have things down. We shall see how this goes...
This week was my first week that Chelsea is reducing her hours. So she came at 1:30 pm Monday instead of Sunday night. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but to me, spending that morning alone, was extremely scary. I'm so happy to say that the morning went well - I kept busy, went shopping, visiting, etc. I didn't stay home (where I know the thoughts start). Before, I was beating myself up for running away from things at home...but I want to choose to look at leaving as my coping skill, and coping skills are positive. It is ok that I can't stay home because I am taking action to manage my thoughts and feelings. I'm being proactive instead of reactive. I need to keep telling myself that.
So, fresh off of a great morning I still feel the high a little...like "wow, I did that!". I'm going to enjoy the ride as long as I can because it usually ends pretty abruptly. So now I'm taking steps to try and move to the next stage of recovery - for Chelsea to move out. We are going to do this gradually, a day at a time. But, in order for her to do that, I need childcare options. I'm interviewing two daycare providers on Monday so that I can have a back-up plan. So that's the next step.
Today I'm hosting a Mom's Lunch for a bunch of friends. I'm very excited to be doing this "normal" thing and hopefully looking like I've attained some sense of normalcy. I'm not doing this for "show", but I do want to appear like I've got things down...well, not appear but SHOW that i DO have things down. We shall see how this goes...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Mommy Was Wrong
So I will have to eat my words...turns out Adelyn was indeed teething these past two weeks or so. I felt the tooth last night - at least I have an answer as to why she was sooo cranky and unbearable for about a week last week. That helps me mentally because I feel like, if it's just short term, its manageable. If that's just her personality, that's not manageable (in my mind). So, Greg was right and I was wrong, but I'm happy to be wrong in this case.
How are things going otherwise? Well, on a personal (maybe too personal) note, I got my period today - that also is a good thing because it helps to explain my downward spiral in the last week. The teething combined with PMS is just NOT a great combination in my world. As for the PMS I am starting to feel better and a little more upbeat, although I'm still finding work to be a great challenge.
I find it very hard to get motivated at work because of my energy level. I only work two days, but that is definitely long enough right now. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but because of the lingering depression it seems like such a feat to put on that face and do my job. I feel terrible because I want to do the best job I can but sometimes I fall short. I just pray that people don't see through me...that I can put on a face brave enough to weather the storm.
And what about FACS? Well, I haven't heard back from them since Monday - I have a meeting with them and IMPACT (mental health support team) this afternoon, when I will hear what my fate is in terms of spending time with Adelyn. I hope I can keep my two hours alone with her...I have been doing well at this, like this morning I took her to the Early Year's Centre and to the mall. This afternoon I will take her grocery shopping. When I go out with her I am fine, it's when I'm at home and she's crying and upset that I can't take it.
So hopefully FACS will hear me out and let me keep things as they are. I will find out in a few hours...
How are things going otherwise? Well, on a personal (maybe too personal) note, I got my period today - that also is a good thing because it helps to explain my downward spiral in the last week. The teething combined with PMS is just NOT a great combination in my world. As for the PMS I am starting to feel better and a little more upbeat, although I'm still finding work to be a great challenge.
I find it very hard to get motivated at work because of my energy level. I only work two days, but that is definitely long enough right now. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but because of the lingering depression it seems like such a feat to put on that face and do my job. I feel terrible because I want to do the best job I can but sometimes I fall short. I just pray that people don't see through me...that I can put on a face brave enough to weather the storm.
And what about FACS? Well, I haven't heard back from them since Monday - I have a meeting with them and IMPACT (mental health support team) this afternoon, when I will hear what my fate is in terms of spending time with Adelyn. I hope I can keep my two hours alone with her...I have been doing well at this, like this morning I took her to the Early Year's Centre and to the mall. This afternoon I will take her grocery shopping. When I go out with her I am fine, it's when I'm at home and she's crying and upset that I can't take it.
So hopefully FACS will hear me out and let me keep things as they are. I will find out in a few hours...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Split Personalities
You might noticed that I've posted a lot in the last few days...that means I've got a lot going on in this head of mine. A lot of thoughts, a lot of "voices" telling me how I'm doing, what to feel/think/do...no, I don't hear things, but these are like internal dialogues that I constantly have, and I'm sure others do as well. (but maybe they won't admit it??)
Today I feel like I have two different personalities, each struggling to get through and be heard. I have the depressed me who wants to answer the "how are yous?" with "terrible, I feel awful.." then I have the recovering Amanda that wants to stay positive and on the "right side of the tracks". It is quite the epic battle of wills inside my head these days. The depressed side is trying so incredibly hard to take over my thoughts and feelings, and some days it's so hard to fight it...I just want to give in an replapse. Sometimes I think that would be easier, to let myself slip back down and not come out this time.
But then I remember I have a daughter to fight for - and this is recovering Amanda. She knows that she has made progress and that things are getting better. She believes in hope and faith and knows she is a strong person. Recovering Amanda believes in herself and knows the strides that she has made have been huge. She wants to answer "I'm doing good" to those who ask. She wants everyone to think she's fine and that she's indeed getting better.
And so these two personalities are at war - when you ask me how I'm doing, you will know which one is winning out at any particular time. Also, at any given time I have the capacity to feel both sides of the story...either great or terrible. It all depends on which persona surfaces at that exact moment of response. I can't even really label "good days" or "bad days" because my days are so mixed up - I have awful moments, then true joyous moments. All the while not really feeling either one because of my pills - they make me numb. What a mess.
Even as I write I am struggling with which front I want to give you right now...I'm leaning towards feeling like a strong capable woman who is recovering from PPD....but as I write that I want to curl up in a ball and surrender to my bad thoughts. Aren't I confusing? If anyone can decipher this post then kudos to you because I know I sound like a crazy rambling person.
Today I feel like I have two different personalities, each struggling to get through and be heard. I have the depressed me who wants to answer the "how are yous?" with "terrible, I feel awful.." then I have the recovering Amanda that wants to stay positive and on the "right side of the tracks". It is quite the epic battle of wills inside my head these days. The depressed side is trying so incredibly hard to take over my thoughts and feelings, and some days it's so hard to fight it...I just want to give in an replapse. Sometimes I think that would be easier, to let myself slip back down and not come out this time.
But then I remember I have a daughter to fight for - and this is recovering Amanda. She knows that she has made progress and that things are getting better. She believes in hope and faith and knows she is a strong person. Recovering Amanda believes in herself and knows the strides that she has made have been huge. She wants to answer "I'm doing good" to those who ask. She wants everyone to think she's fine and that she's indeed getting better.
And so these two personalities are at war - when you ask me how I'm doing, you will know which one is winning out at any particular time. Also, at any given time I have the capacity to feel both sides of the story...either great or terrible. It all depends on which persona surfaces at that exact moment of response. I can't even really label "good days" or "bad days" because my days are so mixed up - I have awful moments, then true joyous moments. All the while not really feeling either one because of my pills - they make me numb. What a mess.
Even as I write I am struggling with which front I want to give you right now...I'm leaning towards feeling like a strong capable woman who is recovering from PPD....but as I write that I want to curl up in a ball and surrender to my bad thoughts. Aren't I confusing? If anyone can decipher this post then kudos to you because I know I sound like a crazy rambling person.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Just Surviving
I'm in survival mode these days - I feel like everything around me is crumbling. It's even more crushing because I was doing so well. I felt good, felt some semblance of normal. Now my depression comes back to slap me in the face and let me know it's still here, and there's no escaping it.
It's comfortable to think about bad things...it's easy. Easy to think about escaping this life, about a world without pain and without sorrow. Don't people understand? WHY would anyone want to live like this? I don't truly want to die, but I also know that I don't want to live like THIS anymore. I can't live with this uncertainty, with this dread. The days that I watch the time tick by, minute by minute, are the worst. The days that I don't want to do anything, therefore I don't and Adelyn gets even more cranky, are terrible. It's like a viscious cycle over and over....I don't do anything because I'm depressed-Adelyn gets cranky-I get more depressed.
My weekend went OK - I worked on Saturday, which is getting harder...harder to put on the "happy face" and have the energy and drive required to get the job done. I'm constantly afraid that people will see through me. But I got through it...and Sunday went okay, went to church and spent the afternoon at home. So I am managing. However, Public Health was here this morning for the first time, and I told her about thinking about slitting my wrists...well she called FACS right away and they've been trying to reach me today (I was legitimately out this morning) to probably tell me that they're taking away my time alone with Adelyn. What a step backwards. I don't need to be punished, I need understanding. Sometimes I feel so lonely...surrounded by people who think they understand, but really don't.
I went to the doctor today (psychiatrist) and she told me to stop catastrophizing...she thinks that because I had such a bad day on Friday that I'm just letting my mind play tricks on me. And maybe she's right. I should focus on the positives and not the negatives. The stress brings on the thoughts...and I was stressed because I was alone with Adelyn. It's like a knee-jerk response. She told me to take it as a warning, but not to look at it as a relapse...it's just a bad day. So there - that's what I should think. Easier said than done, but I will try...
It's comfortable to think about bad things...it's easy. Easy to think about escaping this life, about a world without pain and without sorrow. Don't people understand? WHY would anyone want to live like this? I don't truly want to die, but I also know that I don't want to live like THIS anymore. I can't live with this uncertainty, with this dread. The days that I watch the time tick by, minute by minute, are the worst. The days that I don't want to do anything, therefore I don't and Adelyn gets even more cranky, are terrible. It's like a viscious cycle over and over....I don't do anything because I'm depressed-Adelyn gets cranky-I get more depressed.
My weekend went OK - I worked on Saturday, which is getting harder...harder to put on the "happy face" and have the energy and drive required to get the job done. I'm constantly afraid that people will see through me. But I got through it...and Sunday went okay, went to church and spent the afternoon at home. So I am managing. However, Public Health was here this morning for the first time, and I told her about thinking about slitting my wrists...well she called FACS right away and they've been trying to reach me today (I was legitimately out this morning) to probably tell me that they're taking away my time alone with Adelyn. What a step backwards. I don't need to be punished, I need understanding. Sometimes I feel so lonely...surrounded by people who think they understand, but really don't.
I went to the doctor today (psychiatrist) and she told me to stop catastrophizing...she thinks that because I had such a bad day on Friday that I'm just letting my mind play tricks on me. And maybe she's right. I should focus on the positives and not the negatives. The stress brings on the thoughts...and I was stressed because I was alone with Adelyn. It's like a knee-jerk response. She told me to take it as a warning, but not to look at it as a relapse...it's just a bad day. So there - that's what I should think. Easier said than done, but I will try...
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Daily Battle
I've really been struggling in the past two days. Adelyn has been super cranky (for reasons I can't explain...don't think she's teething), and it's been wearing on me. When Adelyn is being the way she is, it brings back a lot of my symptoms and it scares the crap out of me. Today I thought about slitting my wrists and people finding me dead and Adelyn in a pool of my blood. Horrifying, I know. This is why I get so scared - like it is happening all over again. Like I will never escape the dark thoughts, the hard and trying days.
I know there is nothing I can do to avoid bad days...there ARE going to be tough times. The difference between me and other moms is that they (at least I don't think so) don't think of killing themselves when their child cries. I need to learn how to deal with the bad days without these horrible symptoms. How do I do that? I have no idea. I don't know if it's a medication issue, or if it's something I need to do myself...just will myself not to think those things. As if that works - if I could will myself to do ANYTHING about PPD I would have by now.
I'm afraid to tell people. I'm ashamed that my recovery is being rittled with these bad thoughts. I'm ashamed that my brain operates this way. I don't want to tell FACS because they won't let me have my time with Adelyn - they will freak out and take it all back. I don't want to tell my doctor because then she will tell FACS, and the cycle continues. I don't even want to admit it on here, but I've made a vow to be honest and forthcoming so I thought I should share this stumbling block with you all.
So what do I do now? I think I just finish the day, go to bed, and pray that tomorrow is better. I don't know what else I can do...clearly I can't do what I'm thinking (I know I wouldn't)...and I'm not in "crisis" anymore so people aren't at my beck and call when I need them. Nobody is expecting me to say that I want to kill myself. That's the worst part about this "recovery" process...things appear to be fine therefore everyone thinks it is. Even the people closest to me think things are fine. Most days they are, mind you - but when I have bad days they are BAD days - and some people don't get that. I also want to be allowed to have these days, and not feel like I'm going to be punished for it. I'm going to be forced to lie about how I've been feeling because FACS will act so quickly. I hate it.
And so it goes on, the daily battle...
I know there is nothing I can do to avoid bad days...there ARE going to be tough times. The difference between me and other moms is that they (at least I don't think so) don't think of killing themselves when their child cries. I need to learn how to deal with the bad days without these horrible symptoms. How do I do that? I have no idea. I don't know if it's a medication issue, or if it's something I need to do myself...just will myself not to think those things. As if that works - if I could will myself to do ANYTHING about PPD I would have by now.
I'm afraid to tell people. I'm ashamed that my recovery is being rittled with these bad thoughts. I'm ashamed that my brain operates this way. I don't want to tell FACS because they won't let me have my time with Adelyn - they will freak out and take it all back. I don't want to tell my doctor because then she will tell FACS, and the cycle continues. I don't even want to admit it on here, but I've made a vow to be honest and forthcoming so I thought I should share this stumbling block with you all.
So what do I do now? I think I just finish the day, go to bed, and pray that tomorrow is better. I don't know what else I can do...clearly I can't do what I'm thinking (I know I wouldn't)...and I'm not in "crisis" anymore so people aren't at my beck and call when I need them. Nobody is expecting me to say that I want to kill myself. That's the worst part about this "recovery" process...things appear to be fine therefore everyone thinks it is. Even the people closest to me think things are fine. Most days they are, mind you - but when I have bad days they are BAD days - and some people don't get that. I also want to be allowed to have these days, and not feel like I'm going to be punished for it. I'm going to be forced to lie about how I've been feeling because FACS will act so quickly. I hate it.
And so it goes on, the daily battle...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Reflections
Since Adelyn has turned 1, I find that I have been reflecting a lot on my experience and how far that I have come. I also have scheduled Adelyn's baptism, and during the service I will be talking about my experiences so I have been thinking a lot about that. Do you know that I have spent 6 months in hospital? That I missed half of the first year of my daughter's life? That's amazing to me that I was so absent. But I soo needed it. I also spent 3 months away from home, living at my in-laws. It's what was best at the time, but add that to my 6 month hospitalization total and I spent 9 months away from home and not being a mommy. Scary.
But things are turning around, and that's the happy end of this story. I never ever thought I would be coming out of this - truly. I honestly thought I would be the case that never got better, that never recovered. Now, I'm not saying I AM recovered, but I am well on the road to recovery right now. Simple things prove to me that I am doing better. For example, I don't lay down in the afternoons anymore...before I HAD to lay down because I was so overwhelmed that I had to take a break. I haven't laid down in about two weeks. And that's a big deal. Also, I've gone back to work and haven't had a meltdown. I'm managing work and home and so far the balance has been excellent. Sure, I stress a little about getting Adelyn ready in the mornings, but overall the days have been going smoothly and I'm enjoying my job.
On a different note, Adelyn went for a DPS assessment the other day at the Early Years Centre - she passed, however, she was right on the line and has a few things she needs to work on. This makes me feel terrible because I know it's my fault - the resource teacher agreed that due to my absence in her life she probably is a little slower to develop certain skills. Wow, the guilt is awful. Thankfully she DID still pass, and the teacher said that she will probably catch up in no time now that I'm home and back in her life. That was good to hear, and I hope that it is true! I have read that children of women with PPD can have delayed development, so I wasn't surprised to hear that...but still sad. At least now I know what to work on with her.
So there it is - I'm sort of boring right now...no bad thoughts, no crazy hospitalizations. But boring is great news to me. Hopefully all of you would agree.
But things are turning around, and that's the happy end of this story. I never ever thought I would be coming out of this - truly. I honestly thought I would be the case that never got better, that never recovered. Now, I'm not saying I AM recovered, but I am well on the road to recovery right now. Simple things prove to me that I am doing better. For example, I don't lay down in the afternoons anymore...before I HAD to lay down because I was so overwhelmed that I had to take a break. I haven't laid down in about two weeks. And that's a big deal. Also, I've gone back to work and haven't had a meltdown. I'm managing work and home and so far the balance has been excellent. Sure, I stress a little about getting Adelyn ready in the mornings, but overall the days have been going smoothly and I'm enjoying my job.
On a different note, Adelyn went for a DPS assessment the other day at the Early Years Centre - she passed, however, she was right on the line and has a few things she needs to work on. This makes me feel terrible because I know it's my fault - the resource teacher agreed that due to my absence in her life she probably is a little slower to develop certain skills. Wow, the guilt is awful. Thankfully she DID still pass, and the teacher said that she will probably catch up in no time now that I'm home and back in her life. That was good to hear, and I hope that it is true! I have read that children of women with PPD can have delayed development, so I wasn't surprised to hear that...but still sad. At least now I know what to work on with her.
So there it is - I'm sort of boring right now...no bad thoughts, no crazy hospitalizations. But boring is great news to me. Hopefully all of you would agree.
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