That's how I feel - I'm not cut out for this motherhood thing. Every time I see another mother and child I wonder if they feel the way I do, if they feel inadequate and inept. I wonder if they have thoughts of harming their child, or if they leave them in the car when they run to the bank machine. I wonder if they sometimes forget to put sunscreen on their kids - or sometimes realzing they forgot but don't anyways because it's too inconvenient to go to the car to get it. I wonder if they step away for two seconds to get a towel when their child is in the bath. I wonder if they think about the times when they didn't have kids, and sometimes long for those days back.
Do all these things make a bad mother? Is this what I have become...? Now you know all my sins, does this mean I love my child any less? I fall short in so many ways, but I feel that I still do love my daughter. But so often I observe everyone else's flawless lives and think "how did I get the short end of the stick?" I wish my situation was different - I want to feel that baby "itch" when I see a newborn, I want to say "yes, we want another child", I want to enjoy my daughter's life because I know she will grow up before I know it. At the same time, it feels like she won't ever grow up because time goes sooo slow in my world. Stressing about every little thing, worrying about this and about that - really makes the minutes tick by slower and slower.
Why did God do this to ME? Why can't I love being a mom like so many other people do? I don't understand the mothers with multiple children - how did you survive the first?? I can barely get through my days (whether at work or at home), so why does it look so easy for everyone else? Do other mothers spend all day at home and their baby's are happy and agreeable? Do other mothers feel happy when they wake up to a helpless baby every morning (or night in some cases)? So many questions I have but I don't know who will answer them - people either lie or really are perfect. At this rate, I would believe the latter compared to me.
Am I like this because I have PPD? Or is this what a mother feels like? A mixture of love, dislike, responsibility, pride? Do mom's have bad days just like me, and how bad are they? I wish I could see inside other people's lives...I wish they were open books like me - why does everyone else have to look so perfect? I'm frustrated with the concept that mother's have to look like they are enjoying every minute of the day - it really makes people like me feel worse than they know.
Oh sweetheart!
ReplyDeleteOwen has had probably...2 or 3 sunburns at this point/ I often forget his hat at home 'gasp* and have forgotten bottles when going out for a playdate *double gasp!*
it doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes you human. We all forget things, be it bottles, sunscreen, hats, diapers!
And I think we're like this because our babes have stolen our brain cells!
I'm sure it's different for everyone but I do think we all have off days. For me, I really struggle with being a working mom. I went back to work when Aubrey was only 11 weeks old. That's the max I had left under FMLA in the states. I don't really have a choice if we want to keep our current house, cars, etc. But when I have issues with her daycare (which have been frequent since she got moved to the toddler room) I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Should we down grade and I stay at home? Other days I feel like we are both thriving in our current situation. Anyways, long story short, we all have issues! And this is coming from a mom who probably does look like sunshine & roses from the outside. Hope this helps!! (posted from my phone, sorry for the format!)
ReplyDeleteAnna
Hun, we are definitely NOT perfect. Want to see inside my life? Here's a typical day.
ReplyDelete5 am Matthew wakes up. Lovely, just lovely. "Why can't you sleep like other NORMAL babies? GO BACK TO SLEEP YOU JACKASS" I try to rock him back to sleep, but it usually doesn't work. I plunk him on the floor downstairs and try my best to ignore him while I'm on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Sometimes I feel guilty, but do I do anything about it? NO because I like to escape.
Morning is usually pretty good, and things go pretty smoothly, but by afternoon, we're both about to go nuts, so that's when I leave the house, or schedule a playdate, or just go to the mall, or a walk or SOMETHING.
Matthew annoys me most days. He is clingy, won't let me do any work (not that I do any housework anyway), won't let me play on the computer, keeps grabbing the mouse, playing with the cord or turning it off and whining the whole time. I can't WAIT until Daddy comes home because I need some relief.
Bedtime is a struggle, and when he wakes up 30 mins after going down I'm angry, and frustrated and think bad things about my son. And yes, I have had thoughts of throwing him down the stairs, or I yell at him, or pat his back which turns into hitting, which I immediately regret, but sometimes do it anyway. And when he wakes up in the middle of the night every 2 hours, or wakes up and won't go back to bed, I am really mad. I yell at him, want to shake him, hit him, throw him in his crib and ignore his screams.
People ask me how I'm surviving with Matthew not sleeping. I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm not surviving. Sometimes I feel like checking into the nearest hospital and not coming back until someone has taught him how to sleep, how to be independent, how not to need me. Am I normal for feeling this way? Sometimes I think I am, and sometimes I think I'm not. It's so hard to tell. But at least now you know you're not alone. We're all struggling, whether we appear to be perfect or not.
im not a mom...but i know alot of moms....and you sound perfectly normal to me!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been told (while mom and baby are crying) NOT to have kids. but then other moments, its wonderful.
everyone has moments. you are sounding like a normal mommy to me! congrats!