You might noticed that I've posted a lot in the last few days...that means I've got a lot going on in this head of mine. A lot of thoughts, a lot of "voices" telling me how I'm doing, what to feel/think/do...no, I don't hear things, but these are like internal dialogues that I constantly have, and I'm sure others do as well. (but maybe they won't admit it??)
Today I feel like I have two different personalities, each struggling to get through and be heard. I have the depressed me who wants to answer the "how are yous?" with "terrible, I feel awful.." then I have the recovering Amanda that wants to stay positive and on the "right side of the tracks". It is quite the epic battle of wills inside my head these days. The depressed side is trying so incredibly hard to take over my thoughts and feelings, and some days it's so hard to fight it...I just want to give in an replapse. Sometimes I think that would be easier, to let myself slip back down and not come out this time.
But then I remember I have a daughter to fight for - and this is recovering Amanda. She knows that she has made progress and that things are getting better. She believes in hope and faith and knows she is a strong person. Recovering Amanda believes in herself and knows the strides that she has made have been huge. She wants to answer "I'm doing good" to those who ask. She wants everyone to think she's fine and that she's indeed getting better.
And so these two personalities are at war - when you ask me how I'm doing, you will know which one is winning out at any particular time. Also, at any given time I have the capacity to feel both sides of the story...either great or terrible. It all depends on which persona surfaces at that exact moment of response. I can't even really label "good days" or "bad days" because my days are so mixed up - I have awful moments, then true joyous moments. All the while not really feeling either one because of my pills - they make me numb. What a mess.
Even as I write I am struggling with which front I want to give you right now...I'm leaning towards feeling like a strong capable woman who is recovering from PPD....but as I write that I want to curl up in a ball and surrender to my bad thoughts. Aren't I confusing? If anyone can decipher this post then kudos to you because I know I sound like a crazy rambling person.
Keep listening to positive Amanda. She is strong, and capable, and loving. She can beat out any old depressed Amanda any day of the week. She is a much stronger woman than anyone I know. She has already won many battles, and though she can't see it now, WILL win the war!
ReplyDeleteHugs honey!