Dear Adelyn...

Dear Adelyn,

It's me, mommy. I know you've been missing me for quite some time now. I was lost for a long time, but I think I've found my way back. I wanted to write you a letter to explain to you what happened, and how much I've loved you along the way.

We were so excited when we found out you were coming. I would sit in the bath at night, and in the silence I would talk to you. I would tell you how thrilled I was that you were growing in my belly. I would tell you how loved you were and how your daddy would talk about all the family things that we would do once you were born. I would whisper "I love you" at night before bed.

You surprised us and made your entrance into this world 4 weeks early. I was shocked! Your birth was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Seeing you for the first time, and hearing, "it's a girl!" was the most beautiful thing. Daddy and I cried at the sound of your first cry. You had to be brought to the NICU because you were so early...we thanked God for carrying you through, and allowing you to be so healthy despite the early arrival.

Then it started. Something inside me was changing...retreating. I was losing myself to some sort of darkness. Even this sight of your sweet little face couldn't keep the light in my life. I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring if I slept. And it wasn't just because you were crying, it was because I was so anxious about WHEN you would cry...every minute of every day. I thought I was normal. I thought this was par for the course.

Then I started crying. Everyday. I was reaching the point of despair. Then, one day when you were about 6 weeks old, I lost it. I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I was at your Oma's and I couldn't even think about how to drive myself home. I felt paralyzed. I ended up at the hospital, and this is where our family's nightmare began.

It's hard to hear, but mommy wanted to die. I cut my arms because I was so distraught and dreamed about killing myself. You kept me alive. Although I didn't feel the "right" love for you, something was there that kept me from taking those pills, or tying that rope around my neck. Deep down, I loved you and I knew you needed a mommy in this world. Thank-you for loving me unconditionally, even when I couldn't do the same.

This past year and a half has been terrible, but you have survived beautifully. You are an amazing little girl, and I am SO blessed to have you in my life. Mommy's coming back, and my love for you is growing more and more each day. I marvel at your intelligence, at your loving spirit. You are a beautiful human being; a human being that I created. I look forward to all your firsts - and I hope to experience them from a healthy state of mind. I love you, Adelyn. You are my everything. Please don't stop loving me, even when I have my bad days. Please don't stop giving me sloppy kisses and spontaneous hugs. Please realize that mommy isn't perfect, but she loves you regardless of her struggles.

Thank-you again, sweet Adelyn. Thank-you.

ECT and Me

I was an amazing success story; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, how well ECT worked for me. So why do I find myself back on the list for maintenance treatments? Some people might be shocked, thinking I was doing so well, so why again? Well, several reasons.

First of all, Greg thinks (and I totally respect his opinion) that I'm not "better" yet. I still have extreme anxiety, I still get overly irritable with my family...like I said below, these are my "warning signs" that something is brewing. To you, getting a little irritable is associated with a bad day, for me, it is associated with a major depressive episode. Greg has encouraged me to pursue maintenance ECT, in order to further salvage our family. One day, I will have to go without Brittany; one day, it will just be the three of us again. And right now, I don't think I can handle that. Maybe the ECT will help...?

Now, the following might sound crazy (but really, look who it's coming from)...I also want the ECT so that I can (eventually) wean off my meds. I don't want to take all these medications for the rest of my life. Insert second crazy statement here: I might want to get pregnant again one day. And ECT may assist me in being able to create a welcoming environment for the fetus (one that won't poison it with meds). Also, you can get ECT while pregnant, so going on maintenance will keep me "in the system" in the even that I do get pregnant and need more treatments. Additionally, I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of taking meds that make my metabolism as slow as a slug. I want my body back, as vain as that may sound. Coming off the meds would give that back to me.

I feel like I need to comment on the whole pregnancy thing (since there may be more than a few people going "what?!"). I want another child...whether that be through adoption or biologically. I have looked into adoption and came to the conclusion that it is just too expensive (or extensive). Which brought me to realize that doing this the natural way might just be more affordable. But can I afford to go through this again? No. I can't do that to Adelyn, or the new baby. So what am I planning on doing about that? I want to start to wean off my meds sometime in the future, and see how ECT will work on its own. IF the ECT can work in conjunction with fewer meds, at that time I would CONSIDER getting pregnant because I would know that I could continue with the ECT during the pregnancy and afterwards. Sort of like a guarantee on my mental health. But like I said, this is only if things work out like I plan...and, we all know, that things rarely work out like we want them to.

Now for some good news...I have been feeling better these past few days (after the holidays). I figured that things would go back to "normal" after Christmas was over. I've even spent some time alone (shhhhh) with Adelyn and it has gone very well. I feel comfortable with her, although my motivation is lacking in terms of wanting to go out and actually DO things. I mostly feel like staying in and playing with her. Is that odd? Do other mothers feel the same? Do you have days where your motivation goes out the window?

I have another random thought...(thanks to Angie for inspiring this comment) - I watched my sister in law with her 9 week old baby over the holidays. I watched her like a hawk because I found her behaviour so interesting. Her baby is not the most quiet; he has reflux and fusses often. But yet, as he was fussing, she looked at him so lovingly and whispered "I love you" in his ear. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, because I just couldn't understand. How can you love a baby when he cries? Honestly, that's how I feel. How do you have that look in your eye, that shows to everyone that you're head-over-heels for this little person? She has something I have never had, and that makes me sad. Although I know I love Adelyn, I feel like it is conditional still. If she cries and hits me, I feel like I've had enough...I'm done with all this. It doesn't make me ooze love for her - maybe that's weird?

I think watching my sister in law made me realize just how much I've missed out on - Adelyn's entire infancy. I WANT that love that she has - that unconditional, unwavering, love. I want that look to be in MY eye. Maybe that's why I want to have another one...hoping and praying that I might be able to ENJOY my infant son/daughter...to be able to feel that head-over-heels kind of love at first sight. Maybe one day...

The Holiday Grind

So I've almost made it. I've almost made it through the holidays in one piece. I'm on the last day of family festivities, then it's back to normal. Some people (like my husband) are extremely sad to see them go. I used to be like that. I used to enjoy the holidays. So what happened? Post partum depression happened. Now Christmas presents its own kind of hell for me. Harsh words, but in my heart of hearts, I know it's true.

First of all, Christmas means that I'm going it without my nanny...a scary proposition considering I am used to having her 24/7.Yes, I have Greg (who is very helpful), but Brittany just can't be replaced. So that's one major upset for me. Secondly, my routines are all shot to you-know-what. Now it's go here, go there, nap here, nap there, dinner here, lunch there. It's enough to send me over the edge. I cannot handle changes to my routine...I have just become accustomed to living life one way, and now things are thrown all over the place. Lastly, (well, maybe not the LAST thing), there are the expectations. Christmas is SUPPOSED to be like this or that...you're SUPPOSED to be happy, to enjoy time with family. You're SUPPOSED to be at mom's this time, and the in-laws at this time...you're SUPPOSED to buy gifts for this niece, and that nephew....the list goes on. The expectations are endless. I cannot handle the pressure of disappointing people during this time.

I was doing so well. I went from having "9" days to "7.5" days. A big drop for me. I don't feel like doing anything. I know I have overdone it. I can't play with Adelyn...I just want to sit here like a bump on a log. I've lost that zest that I had before the holidays began. Now how do I get it back? Am I on the road to depression again? My doctor told me to be highly aware of my state of mind since the ECT - to be aware of my "warning signs". One of my big warning signs is anxiety, and I have been over the edge these past few days. But why? I have no idea.

So here I sit, fighting it. What is "it"? "It" is the darkness that I feel creeping in. Inch by inch I feel it taking over. One thought here, another thought there...the light is trying to hang on, but I'm afraid that one more day like this will be the end; the darkness will be imminent. I'm praying that God will allow me to fight back as hard as I can, for my regained life. I haven't come this far just to let the holidays ruin my progress. And so I continue the fight...just one more day, one more day...

Facing the FACS

I thought it would be about time to update everyone as to what is happening with the custody issue and whatnot. We have been through hell with FACS and the whole thing just seems like one big nightmare. To go back a few weeks, Adelyn was seized from our home abruptly after I had voiced some thoughts that I was having about hurting her. I NEVER had intentions of hurting her, these were just intrusive thoughts. Adelyn was ordered to stay at my in-laws, and I was not to be around her unless there were TWO other adults in the room. Extreme, isn't it?

Fast forward to today, and Adelyn is still at my in-laws with Brittany (nanny). I received a call a few days ago from my FACS worker stating that Adelyn was NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to come home. I was crushed by this, since I have been feeling so much better, and actually WANT to take care of her now. I panicked and called my doctor to see if she could call and speak to FACS. Well, I have an amazing psychiatrist (Dr. Asti), and she called them right away. Later on, I received another call from FACS stating that they had talked to Dr. Asti and were very encouraged by what they heard, and that we could possibly arrange alternative plans for Adelyn's care.

The meeting was set for 2pm today. Debi (FACS worker) showed up and completed her 30-day assessment on Adelyn. Then it was our turn. We came prepared to fight. Debi informed us that the Family Group Conference that we were supposed to have on the 21st (I canceled it), was meant to provide a long term plan of where Adelyn was to live, and that she was going to be removed from our home permanently. I was shocked by this, I had no idea that's what that meeting was about. I can't believe that I was in the position of having my own daughter taken from me. It was devastating.

After we got that horrible news, Debi followed up by telling us that she received great information from Dr. Asti, and ONLY because of that reason, FACS will allow Adelyn to re-integrate into our home. At this point I was counting my blessings. I am so lucky to have such an amazing doctor. Then the next question: who is caring for Adelyn now? Well, she felt it was too much to have Adelyn return home right now, so I am allowed to be with her with one other person (instead of two), and we are allowed to spend the days at our house. No overnights right now. We are to do this for a week, then we will re-assess. It is our hope and prayer that this week will go well, and that Adelyn will be able to spend the Christmas weekend in her own home.

So there it is, our struggle with FACS. I'm frustrated because I feel like no one is listening to me. I AM feeling better, truly I am. Why is that so hard for some people to believe? I am a different person now, and I am ready to take on the challenge of parenting, but no one is willing to give me that chance. How incredibly discouraging. I guess I've ruined my own credibility along the road of my sickness. I am saddened by some of the bridges I've burned throughout this process- and if you're reading this, you know who you are. I became a different person when I was depressed- a negative, critical, awful person. Now I feel I have changed. I now longer compare, but I accept. I accept Adelyn for who she is, I don't need to compare her to little Suzie next door. I don't need to compare myself, I am completely loved and supported just for who I am. I have nothing to prove.

It is my hope that I can mend some of the relationships that I've tainted by my sickness. I hope that those people will have open hearts and will listen to what I have to say. I hope that FACS will recognize the changes I have made, and allow me to parent my daughter in the best way I know how. I hope that everyone will continue to tell me I look "brighter" and that I "laugh more". I hope that people will continue to look at me with those knowing eyes - those eyes that can see how far I have truly come in just the past month. I am different, of that there is no doubt.

As always, I would like to thank everyone for supporting Greg and I through this struggle - not only with FACS, but through this entire illness. Specifically I would like to thank Kris, Brigitte, Brittany and both sets of parents. You all have been so supportive it is unbelievable. To anyone I missed, I am sorry, and please know that I appreciate every single one of you. Thank-you.

What is Normal?

So what is normal anyways? I'm having a hard time trying to determine what is normal for me, and what isn't. Every day I rate my moods, and I think "is this normal?" "Do I feel the way I did when I was 'normal'?" Everything revolves around this sense of normalcy that I may or may not have. I scrutinize everything; I was at Greg's work party yesterday, and I started to get bored and wanted to leave - is that because I am depressed, or was that "normal" Amanda? One part of me wants to say that I am acting how I was before I was depressed, but the other part of me believes that I am heading down the wrong road again.

Every part of my day is assessed as "normal" or "depressive" in my brain. It's either one or the other. There is no in between. Is that realistic? I don't think so. There ARE gray areas in life, I know that. So why can't I really truly believe that I am allowed to have "off" days, and "off" moments? Why can't I let myself be human? To let myself FEEL? I'm so afraid of feeling...feeling means having to feel depressed and having to feel like life is not worth living. I would rather feel nothing at all than feel like that.

I am at a good point in my recovery; I THINK I am doing well, and other people tell me that I've come a long way. And for that I am entirely grateful. However, this one piece remains that I cannot seem to fix. How do I come to grips with reality? Do I compare to others? Do I dare go down that route of infinite comparisons for the rest of my life? I've compared myself enough, I don't need another reason to do so.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in this post, maybe just to express my frustration with achieving some normalcy. How do I know when I've recovered? That's the biggest question I have. How do I know when I am "stable"? If anyone can answer that for me, I would be eternally grateful.

I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for their kind words in the past few weeks. Hearing you say that I have become happier, kinder, gentler, really truly helps me to believe that I am attaining something- some level of happiness. Every single positive statement I receive makes me stronger, and I want all of you to know how much your words mean to me. Thank-you.

Power of our Light

"Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." - B. Brown

Thanks to Kelly Larmour for giving me this powerful quote. As soon as she read it to me, it just jumped out at me, it resonated with some place deep in my soul. If I have done anything in this whole experience, it is embrace my vulnerabilities. I have owned my struggle in hopes that somehow, some way, people will draw strength from this. Through exploring my darkness I have discovered a light in mankind that is so bright, only God can compare. I have been touched deeply by the light of others, and I want everyone to know how truly thankful I am now, and will always be.

I am so very happy to report to you all that I am still going strong (praise the Lord),and that my last of my ECT series was today. The doctor wanted to stop early because I was feeling so well. From here, I will have scheduled maintenance treatments periodically to ensure that I stay where I am at now.

I am at such a great place now- I have realized how deeply I love and cherish my daughter, and what a blessing she really is. I have learned how to play with her and show her I love her. I have learned that taking care of a child really IS possible, and it won't in fact kill me (that is only partially sarcastic). Sometimes I stare in awe of Adelyn now...relishing in the fact that she is mine, and that I have the privilege of raising her. She is doing so many amazing things lately, and I love every minute of joy she brings me.

I never ever thought I would be writing this. I thought surely this postpartum was going to kill me. I didn't see any light at all, no way out. I feel that my story is a testament to the fact that God does heal, and no matter how dark your future seems, there is always hope, there is always light. I hope whoever is reading this will be encouraged in your own daily struggles, knowing that anything is possible.

Now am I home free? Hardly. I still have a LOT of work to do on myself; a lot of soul-searching to do. I will be on a slew of medications for (probably) years before I will even consider reducing. The threat of relapse is very real, and I will be spending my days chasing away the demons that will threaten to take me over yet again. I will continue to blog my journey, as it is not nearly over. I hope that you all will continue to follow me and to provide me a source of strength and encouragement along the way. Your support has been invaluable and I will never forget it. Thank-you again.