Dear Adelyn...

Dear Adelyn,

It's me, mommy. I know you've been missing me for quite some time now. I was lost for a long time, but I think I've found my way back. I wanted to write you a letter to explain to you what happened, and how much I've loved you along the way.

We were so excited when we found out you were coming. I would sit in the bath at night, and in the silence I would talk to you. I would tell you how thrilled I was that you were growing in my belly. I would tell you how loved you were and how your daddy would talk about all the family things that we would do once you were born. I would whisper "I love you" at night before bed.

You surprised us and made your entrance into this world 4 weeks early. I was shocked! Your birth was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Seeing you for the first time, and hearing, "it's a girl!" was the most beautiful thing. Daddy and I cried at the sound of your first cry. You had to be brought to the NICU because you were so early...we thanked God for carrying you through, and allowing you to be so healthy despite the early arrival.

Then it started. Something inside me was changing...retreating. I was losing myself to some sort of darkness. Even this sight of your sweet little face couldn't keep the light in my life. I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring if I slept. And it wasn't just because you were crying, it was because I was so anxious about WHEN you would cry...every minute of every day. I thought I was normal. I thought this was par for the course.

Then I started crying. Everyday. I was reaching the point of despair. Then, one day when you were about 6 weeks old, I lost it. I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I was at your Oma's and I couldn't even think about how to drive myself home. I felt paralyzed. I ended up at the hospital, and this is where our family's nightmare began.

It's hard to hear, but mommy wanted to die. I cut my arms because I was so distraught and dreamed about killing myself. You kept me alive. Although I didn't feel the "right" love for you, something was there that kept me from taking those pills, or tying that rope around my neck. Deep down, I loved you and I knew you needed a mommy in this world. Thank-you for loving me unconditionally, even when I couldn't do the same.

This past year and a half has been terrible, but you have survived beautifully. You are an amazing little girl, and I am SO blessed to have you in my life. Mommy's coming back, and my love for you is growing more and more each day. I marvel at your intelligence, at your loving spirit. You are a beautiful human being; a human being that I created. I look forward to all your firsts - and I hope to experience them from a healthy state of mind. I love you, Adelyn. You are my everything. Please don't stop loving me, even when I have my bad days. Please don't stop giving me sloppy kisses and spontaneous hugs. Please realize that mommy isn't perfect, but she loves you regardless of her struggles.

Thank-you again, sweet Adelyn. Thank-you.