Facing the FACS

I thought it would be about time to update everyone as to what is happening with the custody issue and whatnot. We have been through hell with FACS and the whole thing just seems like one big nightmare. To go back a few weeks, Adelyn was seized from our home abruptly after I had voiced some thoughts that I was having about hurting her. I NEVER had intentions of hurting her, these were just intrusive thoughts. Adelyn was ordered to stay at my in-laws, and I was not to be around her unless there were TWO other adults in the room. Extreme, isn't it?

Fast forward to today, and Adelyn is still at my in-laws with Brittany (nanny). I received a call a few days ago from my FACS worker stating that Adelyn was NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to come home. I was crushed by this, since I have been feeling so much better, and actually WANT to take care of her now. I panicked and called my doctor to see if she could call and speak to FACS. Well, I have an amazing psychiatrist (Dr. Asti), and she called them right away. Later on, I received another call from FACS stating that they had talked to Dr. Asti and were very encouraged by what they heard, and that we could possibly arrange alternative plans for Adelyn's care.

The meeting was set for 2pm today. Debi (FACS worker) showed up and completed her 30-day assessment on Adelyn. Then it was our turn. We came prepared to fight. Debi informed us that the Family Group Conference that we were supposed to have on the 21st (I canceled it), was meant to provide a long term plan of where Adelyn was to live, and that she was going to be removed from our home permanently. I was shocked by this, I had no idea that's what that meeting was about. I can't believe that I was in the position of having my own daughter taken from me. It was devastating.

After we got that horrible news, Debi followed up by telling us that she received great information from Dr. Asti, and ONLY because of that reason, FACS will allow Adelyn to re-integrate into our home. At this point I was counting my blessings. I am so lucky to have such an amazing doctor. Then the next question: who is caring for Adelyn now? Well, she felt it was too much to have Adelyn return home right now, so I am allowed to be with her with one other person (instead of two), and we are allowed to spend the days at our house. No overnights right now. We are to do this for a week, then we will re-assess. It is our hope and prayer that this week will go well, and that Adelyn will be able to spend the Christmas weekend in her own home.

So there it is, our struggle with FACS. I'm frustrated because I feel like no one is listening to me. I AM feeling better, truly I am. Why is that so hard for some people to believe? I am a different person now, and I am ready to take on the challenge of parenting, but no one is willing to give me that chance. How incredibly discouraging. I guess I've ruined my own credibility along the road of my sickness. I am saddened by some of the bridges I've burned throughout this process- and if you're reading this, you know who you are. I became a different person when I was depressed- a negative, critical, awful person. Now I feel I have changed. I now longer compare, but I accept. I accept Adelyn for who she is, I don't need to compare her to little Suzie next door. I don't need to compare myself, I am completely loved and supported just for who I am. I have nothing to prove.

It is my hope that I can mend some of the relationships that I've tainted by my sickness. I hope that those people will have open hearts and will listen to what I have to say. I hope that FACS will recognize the changes I have made, and allow me to parent my daughter in the best way I know how. I hope that everyone will continue to tell me I look "brighter" and that I "laugh more". I hope that people will continue to look at me with those knowing eyes - those eyes that can see how far I have truly come in just the past month. I am different, of that there is no doubt.

As always, I would like to thank everyone for supporting Greg and I through this struggle - not only with FACS, but through this entire illness. Specifically I would like to thank Kris, Brigitte, Brittany and both sets of parents. You all have been so supportive it is unbelievable. To anyone I missed, I am sorry, and please know that I appreciate every single one of you. Thank-you.