So what is normal anyways? I'm having a hard time trying to determine what is normal for me, and what isn't. Every day I rate my moods, and I think "is this normal?" "Do I feel the way I did when I was 'normal'?" Everything revolves around this sense of normalcy that I may or may not have. I scrutinize everything; I was at Greg's work party yesterday, and I started to get bored and wanted to leave - is that because I am depressed, or was that "normal" Amanda? One part of me wants to say that I am acting how I was before I was depressed, but the other part of me believes that I am heading down the wrong road again.
Every part of my day is assessed as "normal" or "depressive" in my brain. It's either one or the other. There is no in between. Is that realistic? I don't think so. There ARE gray areas in life, I know that. So why can't I really truly believe that I am allowed to have "off" days, and "off" moments? Why can't I let myself be human? To let myself FEEL? I'm so afraid of feeling...feeling means having to feel depressed and having to feel like life is not worth living. I would rather feel nothing at all than feel like that.
I am at a good point in my recovery; I THINK I am doing well, and other people tell me that I've come a long way. And for that I am entirely grateful. However, this one piece remains that I cannot seem to fix. How do I come to grips with reality? Do I compare to others? Do I dare go down that route of infinite comparisons for the rest of my life? I've compared myself enough, I don't need another reason to do so.
I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in this post, maybe just to express my frustration with achieving some normalcy. How do I know when I've recovered? That's the biggest question I have. How do I know when I am "stable"? If anyone can answer that for me, I would be eternally grateful.
I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for their kind words in the past few weeks. Hearing you say that I have become happier, kinder, gentler, really truly helps me to believe that I am attaining something- some level of happiness. Every single positive statement I receive makes me stronger, and I want all of you to know how much your words mean to me. Thank-you.
I read a quote at a coffee shop once that said, "being happy is never stopping to ask yourself if you are."
ReplyDeleteI found that moving yet impossible when I was struggling with depression. I find it very similar to the feeling of "normal"
I do think that as time goes on, you think less about normal, or the old normal, and start a new sense of normal
the more you build on feeling better, the less you think about depressive thoughts or whether or not you fit into the category of your "normal"
you start building a platform of happy times that you can compare to as opposed to comparing to the hard times, or the old you before the PPD and such
You're on a good path, and each day is going to bring more of a sense of normal, but it takes time
you'll never be the way you used to be.. but now you have so much more insight and ability to deal with struggle!
Keep up the good work Amanda!
For me, depression is a life long struggle. For me, "normal" is feeling good most of the time, but I definitely have my off days. Everyone has their off days. Haven't you ever heard someone say "Oh, I am so depressed today"? I know, it kind of pisses me off too, but it says something important. Everyone has days when they don't feel "normal" and THAT, is normal.
ReplyDeleteFocus on the times you feel happy, or content and chalk up "sad times" to just having an off day. If you start having ALL off days, then maybe there's something to worry about. Being bored at a Christmas party is pretty normal if you ask me. You have come so far and inspired so many. Keep facing the struggle head on. I know you can do this.