So I've almost made it. I've almost made it through the holidays in one piece. I'm on the last day of family festivities, then it's back to normal. Some people (like my husband) are extremely sad to see them go. I used to be like that. I used to enjoy the holidays. So what happened? Post partum depression happened. Now Christmas presents its own kind of hell for me. Harsh words, but in my heart of hearts, I know it's true.
First of all, Christmas means that I'm going it without my nanny...a scary proposition considering I am used to having her 24/7.Yes, I have Greg (who is very helpful), but Brittany just can't be replaced. So that's one major upset for me. Secondly, my routines are all shot to you-know-what. Now it's go here, go there, nap here, nap there, dinner here, lunch there. It's enough to send me over the edge. I cannot handle changes to my routine...I have just become accustomed to living life one way, and now things are thrown all over the place. Lastly, (well, maybe not the LAST thing), there are the expectations. Christmas is SUPPOSED to be like this or that...you're SUPPOSED to be happy, to enjoy time with family. You're SUPPOSED to be at mom's this time, and the in-laws at this time...you're SUPPOSED to buy gifts for this niece, and that nephew....the list goes on. The expectations are endless. I cannot handle the pressure of disappointing people during this time.
I was doing so well. I went from having "9" days to "7.5" days. A big drop for me. I don't feel like doing anything. I know I have overdone it. I can't play with Adelyn...I just want to sit here like a bump on a log. I've lost that zest that I had before the holidays began. Now how do I get it back? Am I on the road to depression again? My doctor told me to be highly aware of my state of mind since the ECT - to be aware of my "warning signs". One of my big warning signs is anxiety, and I have been over the edge these past few days. But why? I have no idea.
So here I sit, fighting it. What is "it"? "It" is the darkness that I feel creeping in. Inch by inch I feel it taking over. One thought here, another thought there...the light is trying to hang on, but I'm afraid that one more day like this will be the end; the darkness will be imminent. I'm praying that God will allow me to fight back as hard as I can, for my regained life. I haven't come this far just to let the holidays ruin my progress. And so I continue the fight...just one more day, one more day...
Keep fighting my love. Christmas is hard on even the most level headed. It's a lot of here and there and comings and goings. Don't let that bring you down. You can do this. Bit by bit, you can do this.
ReplyDeleteChristmas makes everyone nutty. Family meltdowns, axiety and exhaustion are unfortunatly par for the course. Its ok to feel tired, technically it is the "holidays" so rest and enjoy yourself as much as possible hun. Its ok to be selfish sometimes. Ive immovaned myself every night by 10pm, but I guess thats hard to do in your own home. Your almost done. Fake it till ya make it!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately what your describing is the way a lot of people feel at Christmas. Everyone has more than they need so you don't know what to buy them. You go from one party to the next, eat too much and feel like you don't have time to just sit back and relax. We need to see the true blessings of Christmas...the birth of our Saviour, being surrounded by family and friends and enjoying our life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Life is too busy for all of us, slow down, relax and enjoy before it passes by. Take time to just laugh and play and enjoy the company of Greg and Adelyn. God will see you through this too, grab onto the power of His Spirit and fight against all the doubts. Wendy
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way at Christmas.. you're not alone. Whether or not that brings you comfort I am not sure. But Christmas can be hard, and to me i'm either busy or bored. Keep chasing the light at the end of the tunnel and pat yourself on the back for each moment that you can rate a "9."
ReplyDeleteI remember a time, just before last Christmas, when I thought the worst of my PPD was over. I looked down at Owen and sighed...totally happy and wonderful and thinking I could actually do this...be his mama.
ReplyDeleteThen Christmas happened...I felt judgment from inlaws, questioning eyes from onlookers that I wasnt bfing my son...a crazy amount of pressure and started second guessing my every move.
Just when I thought I'd turned a corner for the postive, I reversed about a million steps and was set so far back that the PPD got so incredibly worse.
The great thing is that you're recognizing your limits. This is HUGE! I didn't realize how huge of a thing it was until my PPD was over...but Amanda! It's huge! You can see your triggers (too much family time, getting off routine) and now you'll be able to stop them before they start. You can get CONTROL back now! How awesome is that!! You'll be back to that "9" (or even better...a 10!) feeling very soon, I promise!
Shan