The Long Road

Adelyn is 16 months. 16 months of torturous thoughts, 16 months of crippling depression. I have suffered for 16 long months. How long will this go on? I look on the internet and there is people saying "oh I had a realllly bad case of PPD, that lasted 6 months". 6 months...? Seriously? I would give ANYTHING to say that I only suffered for 6 months. I even have my workers asking me how long this will be "allowed" to go on for; as if it's my doctor's fault. She can't fix me - obviously, no one can. I am the case that will go on forever, with no end in sight. That's how I feel most days...this is just my existence now, something I have to live with.

Although I feel hopeless and bleak some days, lately I have been feeling a little bit better. I started Wellbutrin 150 mg, and have just increased to 300 mg. I doubt that that is what is making me feel better right now (since it is too early), but I think it is helping a little. Wellbutrin is prescribed to give one a little more motivation and drive...something I severely lack.

Another thing helping me feel better is having Chelsea here - having someone around is priceless to me. It keeps my mind off of suicidal thoughts, it keeps me busy because I'm more motivated to go out and do things. Unfortunately, she will be leaving on Friday night; however, it is a family affair here and her sister is moving in on Saturday night. Brittany (sister) will be working for me 3 days per week and will be living here during the week. I think this will help out huge. We definitely have a full house now though, with my student Angela, living here as well.

So, to update from the last post, I ended up getting that Recreation Therapist job at the hospital. I think this helped me feel better as well. It made me feel good about myself; made me feel like I was worth something. I know I shouldn't put my worth on a job interview, but unfortunately that is how my mind operates right now. So I am very excited to start (I work 2 days per week), which will be on October 17th. Hopefully this will be a positive thing in my life, something that I can really "own" and feel good about.

I am also doing some PPD awareness activities, which helps me come to terms with my own suffering. I am speaking at pre-natal classes, and will be speaking at the local Ontario Early Years Centre. Educating women and their partners regarding PPD/PPA is a huge passion of mine. If I can raise awareness and understanding of this terrible condition, and if I can save someone from suffering, then I have a purpose to my life. I really just want women to know that they don't have to suffer in silence - there is help out there, and people who understand. Hopefully I can make a difference.

So I continue to maintain the 24/7 supervision until FACS tells me otherwise. I have arrangements for the next two weeks, but hopefully they will lift the order sooner than that. I will update as things happen over here. Thanks to all who read and keep up with the blog. I appreciate all of you.

The Viscious Cycle

For those of you that read my post before it was deleted, then you know where this is coming from. For those of you that didn't read the post...I had become very suicidal. I wanted to die. Wanted the pain to stop. And so the viscious cycle continues.

I'm feeling a little bit better, however, I was up front and told some of my workers how I was feeling. In turn, they called FACS. Yay. So now FACS is all over me, and are making sure that I have 24/7 supervision with Adelyn. I'm not even allowed to pick her up from daycare. It's very frustrating. I was honest with my doctor too, and she wanted me to go to the hospital but I refused. I felt like "what is the big deal?" So what, I want to die, this is nothing new. So in one way I feel like all this attention is silly and unwarranted.

So how on earth am I going to pull off 24/7 supervision?? I called Chelsea (ex-nanny) and she agreed to come and stay with me for a week and a bit. This will get me to next Wednesday, when they will re-evaluate my supervision order. Thank goodness for Chelsea. I have no idea what I'm going to do AFTER that, but I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I started Wellbutrin today...which I have been on before (and it made me aggresive), but Dr. Asti feels like this is my best option right now - because I have no motivation or "drive" to do anything. I'm starting on the smallest dosage so we will see where things go from here. Wellbutrin is an atypical antidepressant, and gives you a "kick" in addition to being an antidepressant. It should take about two weeks before I notice the benefit (if at all).

So what else is happening? I'm STILL waiting to hear back about the job, however, they have called me to get a police clearance already, so I think I have gotten it (they just haven't formally offered it to me yet). I don't know how I will handle working again...but I'm hoping that having a place where no one knows me, will be a good thing. It might provide me an escape from reality for a few days per week. I don't know until I try!

A Cry for Help

*Removed*

Thanks for all your support, love and prayers.

The fight for life continues...

A Scattered Mind

There may be no direction to this post, be fair-warned. I have been so incredibly random lately, and I don't know if I am going hypo-manic (slightly more excitable. etc than normal, but not full manic), or if I am just actually this scattered in my brain. Hypomania is not a good thing because that means that I will have to reduce my Concerta, which I'm not really interested in doing...it WORKS and it's nice to have some energy for once.

Speaking of the Concerta, I need to talk to my doctor about that. She thinks I am taking 36 mg, but I am actually taking 54 mg. I'm afraid to tell her because I don't want her to yell at me :( I feel like a bad kid who is doing something terribly wrong. Realistically, this small change doesn't do THAT much to me, and I don't think 54 mg's is that detrimental. But still, I need to tell her. That might possibly may be the reason why I feel slightly "high".

So I started my Master's program last week. Now I am dropping out. Done. I realized that this is not what I want to do, and this is not my forte AT ALL. I was drowning in material that I didn't recognize at all - it was all theories of learning and stuff that I have never ever covered. Now I am going back to Brock for my Honour's degree in Therapeutic Recreation. From there, (I have 3 credits left)I would like to apply to do my Master's at Brock (the traditional way). I feel good about this decision - recreation is where my heart is, and I think sticking with what I know is the best solution. I really want to further my education, but I can't do anything (at Brock), until I have my Honour's, so that is Step Number 1.

I am still waiting for the results of my job interview...I emailed them Friday and received an email back stating that they had not yet filled the position, and that she would be in contact with me shortly. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows. I'm SO incredibly tired of deconstructing my interview in my brain...I just want to know whether or not I got it so I can move on. I still don't eve know if I could handle it, so whatever happens is fine by me.

Lately I have been feeling so lost...like I am not good at anything, can't find my identity in anything. I can't work (so far), I can't be a good mom, I can't be a good housewife, I can't be a good student...what can I do?? I think this has contributed to me feeling so scattered...I'm just grasping for anything that I think I might find some worth in. I want a job because then I would be WORTH something - I would be productive. I just want to do something that matters, but I don't feel like being a mom matters right now. I feel like Adelyn could care less about who is around her, and is actually happier with others than she is with me. I just feel very defeated right now. I'm hoping that something will give me some purpose.

I spoked at a pre-natal class today for the first time, and for the first time in a long time, I felt really good. I felt like I connected with those men/women and made an impact on them. I think maybe focusing on PPD awareness is a good thing for me to do right now, maybe an avenue to find my purpose amongst all this tragedy.

So there is a pretty good sum of my life right now...all over the place. I could have written more, but I thought this was more user-friendly!

Torture of Another Kind

So I am going to cautiously say that I am feeling better than I was last week...I feel as though the medication is doing SOMETHING and have stopped the suicidal thoughts. I have more energy and my outlook is a little more positive. I'm thanking God for this new-found hope that I have. I feel like maybe, just maybe, the Concerta will work like it did in the beginning, and I can feel great again.

I've been rating myself as an "8" for my mood...I was down to a "6.5" when I was really bad, so "8" is great in my opinion! I don't take ratings lightly either, I take a lot of time to evaluate which number I am going to use, and that it accurately reflects my mood for that day. When I felt really good on the Concerta I was an "8.5"...so I'm just about there. I feel like an "8" or a "9" is "normal" and what a normal person would feel like on any given day. Is that wrong? I know, there is no "normal"!

So I think I mentioned below that I had an interview on Friday (or maybe I didn't...I can't remember?).. well, I had an interview at the hospital for a Recreation Therapist - yes, this is a dream job. I've always wanted to get into the hospital. Amazing pay and amazing benefits just to name a few highlights. I was shocked I even got an interview and even more shocked that I did WELL.

I bought a new suit (went with traditional black), did up my hair and makeup, and strutted in there like I knew what was goin' on. I don't know WHERE that confidence came from, but I found it somewhere! While I waited I chatted with patients...come on, this has GOT to look good on me! The manager found me talking with a patient when it was time for the interview...she looked shocked but I'm hoping that was a good thing!

The interview questions seemed easy - boom - boom - boom, I had an answer for them all. The interviewers smiled and laughed with me, and it was a great conversation. SO, I think I have a great chance at this job...I definitely don't think I have it in the bag (yet), but I feel good about the effort I made. Now I have the tortuous wait this week. They said they will let me know by Friday, so that's a long time to go!

The worst part it, I don't even know if I can handle this job. It is two days per week (Mon and Fri), and for a contract of 5 months (so far). I've tried part time already and that blew up in my face, so what's to say that this will work any better? I don't know if I'm making a potentially stupid decision in considering this as a possibility for me. There is really no way to know until I actually DO the job...but if I do it and fail...I don't even want to think about that.

So send good vibes my way! Either I get the job (yay!) or I don't (and that's okay for me). Will find out in a few days...

A Day in the Life

What is it like to be me? That's a question that I'm not sure many people would want to find out. I have been having a rough time lately..these medications have really messed with my brain and I'm starting to lose hope.

When I wake up in the morning I feel dread...another day to have to get up and take care of Adelyn. If I could stay in bed all day, I would. I pop some pills and try to hoist myself out of bed and motivated to get ready.

I spend time with Adelyn...caring for her basic needs (feeding, dressing, bathing),but can't do much else. I sit here on the couch and pray for the energy to keep up with a toddler. But it never comes. Adelyn sits at my feet and begs "momma pwease pwease", but I can't respond. I just stare. She asks to come "up" and it's like listening to a broken record and I tune it out. I feel like a terrible mother, in fact, I KNOW I am a terrible mother, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes I can play with her, sometimes we sing together, but most of the time now it is me sitting and staring blankly at the wall, just praying for time to fly by so I can go to bed.

I can barely function around the house...I do nothing. I only manage to put a meal on the table because Angela is here and I don't want her to starve. Other than that it takes a herculian effort to get ANY housework done. It's as though I have concrete strapped to my arms and legs. I just physically CAN'T. Some people don't understand that - there is a physical force preventing me from doing anything.

So here I sit...all I do is self-loathe and think about ways to get out of this mess. The medications make me cold, unfeeling. I think about suicide but there is no emotion with it - I plan the practicalities of how to do it, without FEELING anything. If I had any feeling I would imagine that this would be a scary place to be, but I don't. The only reason I keep going is because I couldn't do that to my family - Greg and Adelyn are my reason for being. I hang on to their strength to get me through.

I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, to hopefully get some more answers. I am back on my Abilify, and she just reduced my Concerta to 27mg. She believes that the higher dose of Concerta may have been contributing to my depression and making the suicidal thoughts worse. I just pray that she is right, and that this new dose will make things better again.

Just a Hard Day

I'm having a rough day today...Adelyn is cranky, and I feel like I've blown my job interview (before I've even had it!). I found out one of my references will be away the week that she would be contacted, so I emailed the recruiter and updated her, letting her know that if she wanted to contact her prior to the interview she could. I didn't think about how this would be off-putting (because the recruiter had requested all my references already anyhow), but now I think I just screwed myself over.

Oh well, I don't need a job right now anyways. I don't even know if I'm able to hold down a job, let alone excel at one. This makes me hate myself for not being able to do anything- I can't even get laundry done around here. I hate the way I feel and I hate being in this position (for what seems like forever). I'm tearing up as I write this, which is amazing because I didn't think I could cry anymore. I'm just having a really tough day and all I want is for it to get better, somehow.

I've been taking the Abilify for the last week, and so far it hasn't brought me back to that happy self that I was a few weeks ago. I had high hopes going back on this drug, and so far I just feel let down, and more depressed. The thoughts of self harm are mostly gone, and I don't think about all the terrible things that could happen to Adelyn. So that's ONE plus that has happened, but that's it.

I hate to be so negative, but that's just the mood I'm in right now. I'm praying that something will work out for me and that I can feel better again. It was such a cruel joke, having felt better for a week, then going back to this. What an awful awful feeling. I need to find my hope again.