The Long Road

Adelyn is 16 months. 16 months of torturous thoughts, 16 months of crippling depression. I have suffered for 16 long months. How long will this go on? I look on the internet and there is people saying "oh I had a realllly bad case of PPD, that lasted 6 months". 6 months...? Seriously? I would give ANYTHING to say that I only suffered for 6 months. I even have my workers asking me how long this will be "allowed" to go on for; as if it's my doctor's fault. She can't fix me - obviously, no one can. I am the case that will go on forever, with no end in sight. That's how I feel most days...this is just my existence now, something I have to live with.

Although I feel hopeless and bleak some days, lately I have been feeling a little bit better. I started Wellbutrin 150 mg, and have just increased to 300 mg. I doubt that that is what is making me feel better right now (since it is too early), but I think it is helping a little. Wellbutrin is prescribed to give one a little more motivation and drive...something I severely lack.

Another thing helping me feel better is having Chelsea here - having someone around is priceless to me. It keeps my mind off of suicidal thoughts, it keeps me busy because I'm more motivated to go out and do things. Unfortunately, she will be leaving on Friday night; however, it is a family affair here and her sister is moving in on Saturday night. Brittany (sister) will be working for me 3 days per week and will be living here during the week. I think this will help out huge. We definitely have a full house now though, with my student Angela, living here as well.

So, to update from the last post, I ended up getting that Recreation Therapist job at the hospital. I think this helped me feel better as well. It made me feel good about myself; made me feel like I was worth something. I know I shouldn't put my worth on a job interview, but unfortunately that is how my mind operates right now. So I am very excited to start (I work 2 days per week), which will be on October 17th. Hopefully this will be a positive thing in my life, something that I can really "own" and feel good about.

I am also doing some PPD awareness activities, which helps me come to terms with my own suffering. I am speaking at pre-natal classes, and will be speaking at the local Ontario Early Years Centre. Educating women and their partners regarding PPD/PPA is a huge passion of mine. If I can raise awareness and understanding of this terrible condition, and if I can save someone from suffering, then I have a purpose to my life. I really just want women to know that they don't have to suffer in silence - there is help out there, and people who understand. Hopefully I can make a difference.

So I continue to maintain the 24/7 supervision until FACS tells me otherwise. I have arrangements for the next two weeks, but hopefully they will lift the order sooner than that. I will update as things happen over here. Thanks to all who read and keep up with the blog. I appreciate all of you.