What is it like to be me? That's a question that I'm not sure many people would want to find out. I have been having a rough time lately..these medications have really messed with my brain and I'm starting to lose hope.
When I wake up in the morning I feel dread...another day to have to get up and take care of Adelyn. If I could stay in bed all day, I would. I pop some pills and try to hoist myself out of bed and motivated to get ready.
I spend time with Adelyn...caring for her basic needs (feeding, dressing, bathing),but can't do much else. I sit here on the couch and pray for the energy to keep up with a toddler. But it never comes. Adelyn sits at my feet and begs "momma pwease pwease", but I can't respond. I just stare. She asks to come "up" and it's like listening to a broken record and I tune it out. I feel like a terrible mother, in fact, I KNOW I am a terrible mother, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes I can play with her, sometimes we sing together, but most of the time now it is me sitting and staring blankly at the wall, just praying for time to fly by so I can go to bed.
I can barely function around the house...I do nothing. I only manage to put a meal on the table because Angela is here and I don't want her to starve. Other than that it takes a herculian effort to get ANY housework done. It's as though I have concrete strapped to my arms and legs. I just physically CAN'T. Some people don't understand that - there is a physical force preventing me from doing anything.
So here I sit...all I do is self-loathe and think about ways to get out of this mess. The medications make me cold, unfeeling. I think about suicide but there is no emotion with it - I plan the practicalities of how to do it, without FEELING anything. If I had any feeling I would imagine that this would be a scary place to be, but I don't. The only reason I keep going is because I couldn't do that to my family - Greg and Adelyn are my reason for being. I hang on to their strength to get me through.
I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, to hopefully get some more answers. I am back on my Abilify, and she just reduced my Concerta to 27mg. She believes that the higher dose of Concerta may have been contributing to my depression and making the suicidal thoughts worse. I just pray that she is right, and that this new dose will make things better again.
Oh sweetie, I hope your doctor can solve this for you. I'm so sad that you're brief recovery was only to be followed by another fall. I pray for you every day.
ReplyDeleteI can relate though. I remember planning ways to commit suicide and the only thing that stopped me was a fear of pain without the end result of death. I contemplated driving my car into a tree, but thought better of it since the chances of me dying were small, and the chances of me being seriously hurt were high.