Surviving the Impossible

With men it is impossible; but to God all things are possible. - Matthew 19:26

Some days I feel like I won't survive this, and I have been open in talking about how I very well might have taken my own life. Lately, these swings have been fewer and far between, and not lasting as long. I still have moments where I feel like survival is impossible - there is no way I could come out alive and well.

Although I have these moments, I have learned to pray and rely on God to get me through the worst of the worst. Very slowly, I have been given a peace about my situation, and I'm able to see my way out. It only comes with practice though, and a LOT of prayer. I have felt a lot lighter lately, not dwelling so much on my negatives, but focusing on the positive things in my life (of which there are many).

Part of this "mental exercise" involves the 10 unhelpful thinking styles. I have been working through a lot of these exercises with some of the therapists and I find that it has really helped. For those that don't know, the 10 are:
Shoulding and Musting
Black and White Thinking
Overgeneralization
Catastrophizing
Mental Filtering
Jumping to Conclusions
Emotional Reasoning
Personalizing
Labeling
Minimizing and Maximizing

If you don't know anything about these, I would highly recommend reading up on them at: http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/treatmentoptions/tp/Unhelpful-Thinking-Styles.htm

An example of what I've been working on is...shoulding and musting.."I SHOULD be a better mother" "I SHOULD have a child who crawls already" "I MUST feed Adelyn certain foods or else I'm a bad mother". You get the idea. I'm really weak in this area and I've been working on realizing when I am saying these things to myself, and trying to counteract them with more positive statements. Trust me, this is no easy business!

So what else have I been up to lately? Well, yesterday I spent the whole day at home, and got to put Adelyn to bed. By my standards, Adelyn was cranky yesterday because she didn't get a good morning nap. This would usually throw me into an anxiety attack, but surprisingly (with Chelsea's help) I handled is quite well. It was so nice to put Adelyn to bed and I didn't want to leave. During the day yesterday we took (in an effort to stop the cranks) her to the park for the first time:

She loved it and we had a great time :)

Today I'm at home and I'm doing an overnight visit (yay). This has been a long haul, and I've been working very hard to be able to have this priviledge. In addition to doing the overnight, at 3:30 pm, we are taking Adelyn swimming for the first time. This is causing me great anxiety because I'm afraid it will screw up her nap time. You might think "that is so silly", but to me, this is an enormous feat. We have been trying to schedule her the right way since she woke up, so that she will be able to be in a good mood when we go. Just typing this out is giving me a stomach ache! That's how strong my anxiety is around it. Sigh...I'm just praying that it will go well, and I can add swimming on my wellness "check list".

No medication changes - still on the same meds, which is good because I'm feeling pretty stable. There is some talk of Wellbutrin if I'm too "flat" but as of right now there are no changes.

So, that's what's up with me right now! Hopefully I will report back about how great the swimming and overnight went :)

Happy Hump Day,
Amanda

A Mother's Love

Lately I've been feeling more bonded to Adelyn - and the other day, I started to think "this is what a mother's love must feel like". However, as I thought about it more, I realized that I have been loving Adelyn with a self-less love this entire time. I have loved her more than my own life; when I thought about how many pills I would have to take, and how deep I would have to cut; I thought of her face. When I wanted to give up and leave this world and never ever look back, I thought of her smiles. If it weren't for the love of a mother to a daughter, I would not still be here today. So that's really something if you ask me.

Fortunately, instead of an unconscious love, I have been developing a strong bond with Adelyn in the past few weeks. I have learned how to love her better, and how to be a better mom. It hurts me to leave her, whereas before I couldn't care less if I was away from her. I WANT to be with her, and when I'm away from her, I think about all the cute things she does, and how much I am falling in love with her little face.

My outings are still going well - I go out every day for at least 6 hours, and have been doing a lot of her care (well, almost all of it) when I am out. Today I am at my in-laws house and so far I have gotten Adelyn up, fed her breakfast, played with her and put her down for a nap. That is a pretty big deal for me. I'm still getting pretty stressed, but I'm learning how to manage the stress better, and not to let my thoughts go down hill when I am. For example, before, if I would have been overwhelmed my immediate thought would be about how I could kill myself...now those thoughts don't cross my mind, thank goodness.

I have another little story about how God's hand has been working in my life - I don't know how many people know this, but I had been working towards applying to the part-time nursing program at Niagara College (I did a chem. and psych. course to apply). Well, I just got my acceptance letter two days ago. I was really happy I got in, however, it sent me into a tailspin because I didn't know how I was going to make this all work. I have mentioned my work issues on here before, so you should all know how conflicted I am about it. So that's all I was thinking about..work school work school work school...I prayed and prayed for an answer. Well, this morning I decided, reluctantly, that this wasn't the right time for school. Wouldn't you know it, but I just checked my email and received a notice that the RPN program from 2011-2012 is being suspended! I am SO thankful for this! It took the decision out of my hands and gives me a guilt-free solution. I think this is a pretty awesome answer to prayer. Now just to receive and answer about work! I'm still working on that one...

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great weekend!
Amanda

This One's For the Girls...

Don't think Martina McBride song...think too much information. I warned you.

So I'm super excited over something that might raise a few eyebrows. I got my period last night. I don't think I've ever been so excited to see Aunt Flo before! If you recall my previous posts, I mentioned that I still haven't gotten it since I was pregnant, so it's been MIA for the last 10 months (even after quitting breast feeding at 7 weeks). So why is this a good thing? The absence of my period meant that my hormones were messed up (specifically prolactin), and, you guessed it, now that I have my period back, things are back on track! Yay! This could also account for the fact that I haven't been feeling the best (ok, that's an understatement), in the past week or so. Both myself and my psychiatrist are hopeful that once "she" is gone that I will be back on the up and up. *smile*

So enough of that...men you can re-join now ;)

I have some positive news to report...I've spent the last two days at home for most of the day, and I've done really well! Yesterday Chelsea (nanny) and I took Adelyn to her Story Hour, then went shopping to Walmart in the afternoon. Again, that may seem like nothing to anyone else, but that is huge for me. Today, I have spent all day at my mom's with Adelyn and (don't tell anyone) I had some alone time with her when my mom ran out to the store. It went well! I didn't feel overly stressed and my "bad" thoughts didn't resurface like they have in the past. I haven't stressed about keeping her busy and about her nap times, etc. I have, for the most part, been going with the flow. And I don't flow very well these days! So this is all good stuff!

I'm very cautious to say things have gone well though, because I'm so used to feeling terrible. I pray that things DO continue on the up and up and that I will be able to go home (comfortably) in the next few weeks.

Happy to give a good report,
Amanda

Pictures!

I figured it was time to post some pics...here are a few of Adelyn (almost 10 months)

Tick Tick Tick

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
W. C. Doane

Today marks 4 weeks in the Norris Wing. Actually, counting the extra week that I spent in February, it would be 5 weeks total. I knew it would be a long time going into it, but the realization that I've actually been there this long is disappointing (because I hoped I would be further along).

I feel like my clock is running out...my maternity leave it tick-tick-ticking away, day by day. I have less than three months left. In addition to the realization of how long I've spent in the hospital, comes the realization that I have "wasted" months of my life feeling terrible. I have "wasted" my maternity leave by being depressed. I'm so sad about that fact I can't even tell you. Knowing that this last year of my life should have been filled with joy and happiness sticks a knife into my heart.

I'm scared because I don't know what is going to happen with work. I don't know if I will feel well enough to work, but I have people counting on me. I'm not sure I can take the pressure, but I feel I have no other choice. I have asked my work if they would consider creating a job-share position for my job, but they said no...so it's full time or nothing. I know I've mentioned this before, but this is really weighing on my mind. I love my job, and I want to go back, but I don't forsee myself feeling well enough to return in the capacity that they require. If anyone reading this has any HR experience and knows if I have any rights, please let me know...I feel like I'm going into this blind.

Time is also ticking away for my time in the hospital...it's time that things start moving, or that's what I tell myself. I told that to the doctor and she agreed to let me take my car to the hospital, so I can drive home every day and spend 4-6 hours at home with Adelyn. I'm really happy about this progress, however, I wish I felt better about being home. I still feel a lot of anxiety, which I can't even explain. I am on so many drugs you would think that that would take care of any anxiety but I must have it BAD.

Speaking of drugs...maybe now would be a good time to update my medication-conscious friends. I'm currently on the following cocktail:

Pristiq (antidepressant) 100 mg (max)
Abilify (antipsychotic) 10 mg
Seroquel (antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) 150 mg
Lithium (mood stabilizer) 900 mg
Imovane (sleeping pill) 7.5 mg
Temazepam (sleeping pill) 30 mg

The doctor believes that the Pristiq is going to give me another "boost" yet..I've only been on it for 3 weeks, and as most of you know, antidepressants take 4-6 weeks to feel the full effects. Fingers crossed that she is right, because I could really use it. I feel that the lithium is working, however, it is a mood stabilizer, which means it just keeps me very even...almost too even to the point where I can feel real happiness. Dr. Asti says we can tweak that later on, but for now, she would prefer that I remain at a stable point for observation.

So there is the full update, and what's going on in my brain (a scary place!). People keep telling me they have faith I will get better, and I pray that they are right. Having gone through this for SO long, I start to lose sight of the prize, to lose faith in the happy ending. Thank-you to everyone for holding on to the faith for me, and for encouraging me. It truly does help.

All the best,
Amanda

Where's My Harvest...?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

I started out looking for a verse that had to do with encouragement, and came across the one above. Although it is meant to be encouraging I can't help but wonder- where's my harvest? I have persevered, I have pushed through, but I feel I get nothing for it.

I think I am especially angry at God today because it's my birthday and I'm sitting in the hospital, away from my family,away from all the comforts of home. Of course I had a nice time out today (very nice actually), but this is what I have to come "home" to. It just plain sucks- no other way to put it. Why can't I be better? Why do I, and my family, have to continue to suffer?? It makes no sense to me, and as much as I believe in God's plan, today I'm lacking some serious faith.

I guess that as much as I want to look at the negatives right now, I have to acknowledge the positives- I had a great time at home and I didn't want to leave. For me, not wanting to leave is a big deal because when I am sick all I want to do is return to the hospital. So that was a good thing. I do believe that I'm slowly getting better- and I emphasize slowly. I literally feel like it is inch by inch that I'm barely clawing my way out.

So that's where I'm at today...happy that I had a good birthday, but angry at the same time. Being in the hospital is harder than I think people realize, and today I just want to go home. Sorry that this post isn't more happy-go-lucky, but like I said, being here just sucks. Hopefully I will get to go home a few times this week, because I don't know how much more of this place I can take...

Amanda

Learning a Lesson in Patience

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting- that is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow- that is patience" - Unknown

I think this quote sums up my situation very nicely. My "going" is definitely hard and slow right now...excruciatingly so, but I have to keep going.

Not only I am learning to have patience with myself and the process, I am learning to have patience with others. There is a lady in here right now that I can't even accurately describe here in words.You would just have to meet her to understand where I am coming from. She is the most loud, arrogant and intrusive person I have ever met. She talks (I mean yells) non-stop and drives everyone crazy (yes, drives the psych ward crazy!). She has been throwing things at people and purposely spilling coffee all over the floor. She is a one of a kind, that's for sure. However,I need to look at "what are these people teaching me?"- I have met so many interesting people in here and Im convinced that everyone has something to offer us. For her, I believe she is teaching me self-control and patience. There have been so many times that I had to bite my tongue when she is around, she puts everyone on edge- but, I have prayed that God would give me the patience to put up with her and I think that each day I'm gaining a little bit more.

As I gain patience in that area I've also started to learn to have some patience with myself. Everyday my emotions are different- they ebb and flow like the tide and I've had very little tolerance for the swings. I tend to beat myself up when I don't feel the way that I think I should...I get so frustrated and feel like all my progress is lost and that I'm backsliding. I need to learn to accept how I feel without judgment - to listen to how I feel and not to put myself down for it. I think that this lesson will be even hard to learn than that mentioned above.But I am working on it.

So what's new? My lithium levels have been checked and are now at 0.9 - right in the therapeutic range. This means that it is in my bloodstream and should be kicking in very shortly. My doctor seems to think that it might not help with the depression, but will help level out my moods (yes, there is a difference). I am going on 3 weeks of the Pristiq and typically this med should take about 4 weeks to become effective. I pray that I will be lucky enough to see some additional improvement in this coming week.

This is also my birthday weekend! I will be 26 on Sunday. Seems hard to believe that I am celebrating this birthday in the psych ward, but I think I have accepted that now. We're even getting cake on Saturday night to share with the patients :)

I hope everyone has a great Friday,
Amanda

Name That Emotion

Every morning in group we are asked to introduce ourselves and "name" our emotion of the day. You can say you are feeling, hopeful, happy, content, irritated...and then you are asked to rate your level of this emotion on a scale of 1 to 10. Well, today I couldn't think of an emotion. Nothing. So they passed me the sheet with little happy and sad faces on it, one with oodles and oodles of different feelings. Finally, one stuck out for me today - confused. Today I am a 10 out of 10 on the confusion scale.

Now, I wish I could even tell you WHY I'm confused, but that's part of my confusion! It's taken me longer than normal to get up to writing this post, mostly because I wasn't sure what to write since I don't even know how I feel. However, this writing is supposed to be cathartic so I'm hoping that in doing so I will find something deep down in there.

Maybe, for the sake of this post, I will try to explain how I'm feeling...I feel like my head is a big scattered mess of feelings. One minute I feel like I'm well enough to go home, and the next minute I feel like I'm light years away. One minute I'm feeling happy and hopefulm, the next sad and pessimistic. I'm also beating myself up for the randomness of the thoughts, like I should be more organized or something. I think I'm getting caught up in "feeling better" and am not allowing myself to still have down moments.

A few days ago I felt really good - almost high, and more joyful. I am sort of left bewildered now that that feeling's gone. I felt like I was actually moving forward, moving out of this depression, but here I am, feeling ambivalent again. I guess I don't feel as bad as I did when I came into hospital, but definitely not as great as I did a few days ago. So what happened? I wish I knew! It's like I wake up and I can be a totally different person. The unpredictability is brutal.

As for what else is going on in my "hosital life" - I haven't been sleeping very well, so I'm on an antidepressant named Trazodone for sleep. They just upped my Trazadone from 100 mg to 150 mg per night. Additionally, my lithium level was taken and was at 0.5...should be between 0.7 - 0.9. As a result, my lithium medication was upped last night from 600 mg to 900 mg. This should push me up into the therapeutic range. They say it will take a week to two weeks to feel the full effect of the lithium.

As for visits with Adelyn, I'm still only allowed 2 - 2 1/2 hours at a time. I asked for more but no such luck. Not now anyways. I have such a long road to go, some days I can't even think about it...I need to keep coming back to "one day at a time". I'm at home right now with Adelyn and things went really well, so that's a positive.

Anyways, I will finish this post here...now that you're all caught up! If you are willing to send up prayers for me, please pray that this lithium does stabilize my moods like it is supposed to.

Crossing my fingers,
Amanda

Great Expectations

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I am coming out of the weekend feeling happy that I had a good visit with Adelyn, but I'm also down in the dumps again (to put the depression mildly). Maybe its the weather, but I feel something stronger at work- my emotions are coming to the surface, threatening to drag me back down.

I think part of the reason I've been feeling down (as I've said before) is Facebook. I really hate Facebook right now...I've been good and no longer reading the newsfeed, but I cracked the other day and read it over and it just made me feel worse. I'm just really not over the grieving process- I'm grieving a lot of expectations that I've had for my life. When I look at families that have kids (and are happy) I grieve the loss of the first 10 months of Adelyn's life - spent mostly in and out of the hospital. When I see friends that are expecting, I grieve the fact that Adelyn might just be the only one we can have. When Greg and I pictured starting our family, I had in mind that we would have two kids, and I would be a mother to them, while also working full time. Now, I can barely (almost not at all) be a mother to my baby, and the possibility of returning to work any time soon seems dimmer and dimmer by the day.

I know people will say "but you should be happy to have one healthy child!". And don't get me wrong, I thank God for Adelyn and her health everyday, but I am mourning the death of a dream- my vision of my (near) perfect family is shattered every time I look at someone else who is enjoying something I don't have. I know I shouldn't be jealous, and this is something I'm really trying to work on, but its so hard when I'm sitting here in the hospital and everyone else is at home/work enjoying their lives. I want to think about my daughter and not imagine a life without her. I want to think about her in ways that don't bring pangs of disappointment, fear and pain.

And if you're reading this, I don't want anyone to feel guilty for having the things that they have- don't think that I am wishing that everyone was miserable (for the most part) like me. I am just trying to voice my hurt and try to make people understand a little of what the depression has done to me and my family. I am happy for everyone with healthy families, I'm just dealing with my own hurts right now and don't intend to make anyone feel sorry or guilty.

On a positive note, I had a very nice visit with Adelyn today, and I didn't want to leave after the 2 1/2 hours was up. That means I've had a week of good visits, so I'm hoping that my doctor will up the amount of time I can spend with her for this coming week. I'm a little down also because it's so hard for me to get out of here since I have to rely on rides to and from the hospital :( It's such a pain for everyone, but without it, I don't get to see Adelyn. Hopefully it will work out this week that I can get some visits in.

All the best,
Amanda

Progress Report

Happy Friday everyone! I am very happy to say that I have had a good day! Even though it's dreary outside, I managed to end the day with a warmth in my heart (awww). I had a bad night's sleep last night - 3 code reds (fire alarm pulled) and a screaming patient - but somehow woke up feeling rested. I had to kill some time, but at 11:30am Tiffany came to pick me up for an outing. We drove home and I couldn't wait to see Adelyn...really looking forward to it. I got in the door and she had a huge gummy smile to greet us, it was so cute.

I took the three ladies - Chelsea (the nanny), Tiffany, and Adelyn out for lunch at Cafe on Main. Adelyn was so awesome while we were there - didn't make much of a peep except for when she was talking at us. I was so happy that everything went well...we went home and I gave her a bottle and put her down for a nap. Being able to go out on that short outing was huge for me, and it really helped to build my confidence.

Now I'm up to spending two hours with Adelyn at a time...great progress for me and I'm very happy with that. I know I have a long ways to go but I am able to stay on track because I can feel that things are looking up...even though its small small steps.

So, for the weekend - I'm planning on going out both days for a few hours, and would like to try a half day on Sunday (need to talk to Dr, Asti first). It has been really hard for me to be here the last few days - mostly because I want to be at home, and also because its been quite loud and rambunctious here. But, I keep trying to tell myself, the harder it gets to be here, the easier it will be to leave.

TGIF,
Amanda

Today I Want Out

I guess this is a good thing, but today I really want to get out of here. I have no car here, but Im able to have a few hours out to see Adelyn everyday if I want to. I hate having to arrange rides, it's a pain for everyone. However, previously I didn't want to leave at all, so I will take this as a positive sign.

This is my second day on lithium and unfortunately I'm having some side effects- the major one being stomach pain and cramping(which throws me into the bathroom more often than I would like). When I went on antidperessants my stomach issues went away, so this is a little bit of set back.That being said, I would WAY rather deal with a physical pain than an emotional one, so I will take whatever comes at me if that means the drug will work. I am also peeing a lot more than normal (which is very common for lithium).That's fine except for in the middle of the night! They took my blood today,which I'm assuming they are checking my lithium levels...anxious to see how well my body is taking to this dosage.

On another note, I may have some problems blogging in the next little while...they have confiscated my lap top cord:( In the Hamilton interview I mentioned, at my lower points, imagining myself hanging for the door frames, etc. The doctor took this as I was actively suicidal and all cords should be removed from me. Unfortunately I think it was all a misunderstanding, but either way, no lap top cord which means I have no idea when I will be able to charge the computer,if at all. SO, if I miss a day here and there you will know why.

So here I will sit today...not able to leave but learning to live with that. I'm looking forward to tomorrow because Tiffany is picking me up and we're most likely going to take Adelyn out for lunch :) Will be nice for sure.

Hoping for some sunshine,
Amanda

Wild Wednesday

Oh the antics of the Norris Wing...is it a full moon?? I know I'm in a psych ward, but I've been used to patients with depression, or ones that keep to themselves - throw in a few "crazies" and now it's like a nut house. If in fact I do have bi polar, I definitely don't have it to the same extreme as those do in here. We have at least three people that are manic right now and it's a lot to handle, let me tell you. Yesterday this one guy, 19,slammed his head against the wall then proceeded to pace the halls saying "Holy F**K" over and over and over again. This is the same guy who came into the library (where I hide out on the computer) and forced me to take my glasses off and look at the sun for 5 mins straight(because this WOULD cure my depression..). He also told me he's criminally insane and killed someone before- makes me feel real secure.

Then there was another lady..I'll call her Jane. She was room mates with one of my friends on the floor,and she got naked the one night and sat on my friend's bedside until she woke up and saw her (yikes). Needless to say that lady is in her own private room now. We also had another lady who overdosed on Tylenol twice in one week...then they let her go to the store"to buy smokes"and she just bought more Tylenol and ended up in ICU for a few days. Three overdoses in a week. So sad.

Now on to the craziest one of them all - me! Jk. I am doing well today - I had a nice visit with Adelyn and my mom this morning. I actually felt like I ENJOYED it, which is a huge thing for me. I was with her for an hour and a half and that was perfect. I'm feeling like I could do longer, but Dr.Asti said, when I have that feeling, that I need to stay at the same level a little while longer, so I don't push myself and crash...which I have long history of doing. So I think she has good plan.

I started the lithium last night, and so far no side effects that I can notice,which is a great sign. I expect that somewhere around the end of the weekend/early next week I will notice if it is making any difference (fingers crossed!).I have read a lot now about the effects of lithium on treatment-resistant depression and it's all very positive.

So, plans for the rest of the day...I have a meeting with my FACS worker this afternoon (yay), then I have to write a psychology exam tonight at Niagara College (Kris and I took the same online psych course), so wish me luck! I have NO concentration to study, so I'm basically just going in there on a prayer. I do have about 90% in the course though, so I'm not TOO worried.

Anyways, I will end this Wild Wednesday post here! Happy Hump Day everyone and blessings for the rest of your week.

Amanda

The Verdict Is In...

so I went to my specialist appointment in Hamilton yesterday. We left here at 12:30 and didn't get back until almost 8pm, which was nuts! OPT was to blame for that one. My appointment was 2 hours long and ery in-depth. I spoke with the doctor for about 90mins then she invited Greg in to ask him some more questions. Finally, when the interview was finished she asked me if I wanted to know her two cents, and we said of course!

Bi-polar. She thinks I'm manic-depressive. Interesting. This diagnosis came through me telling her about some "highs" that I've had in my life, along with the very obvious "downs". She suggested coming off ALL my current medication and starting on lithium. She said if the lithium doesn't work then we can look into ECT a bit more closely, but this is the first course of action. I don't really know what I thought of her opinion...like I agreed but disagreed at the same time. I was anxious to hear Dr.Asti's side of things today.

So, I met with Dr.Asti this morning and she said she also feels that this diagnosis is "interesting but not out of the question". Whenever there is a woman that has given birth, and has treatment-resistant depression, then a diagnosis of bi-polar is suspect.However, I do have have the typical mania that you would witness with someone who has this disorder. She also told me that treatment resistant depression is commonly treated with lithium, so it is not only used in the case of bi-polar. As for the doctor recommending that I stop all other medications, Dr.Asti and I felt that that isn't the right option for me right now, considering that my depression is so deep.She told me that lithium is processed by the kidney's instead of the liver, meaning that this medication will work indepedently of the other's I'm on. The only downside of this is, if I start to feel better then I won't know if it is the antidpressants/psychotics that I'm taking, or the lithium. But that is a risk I'm willing to take because continuing on all medications means that I'm covering all my bases.

So there it is, that's where I stand right now...lithium starting tonight and she said it will take a week to get into my system. We shall see how that goes, if at all. Other than the appointment I am feeling OK... don't get to see Adelyn today, but I will see her tomorrow for (no more than) and hour and a half (but I'm still looking forward to it!). I'm continually trying to stay positive,knowing that I will be here for another few weeks ...so hard to imagine right now, but this is what I have to do.

Hope everyone had a great start to their week,
Amanda

How Did it Go?

So if you're following this blog I would imagine that you're checking up on how things went today. I am happy to report that things today went much much smoother than yesterday. I went home around 10:30 am and spent some time alone with Greg, while my in-laws watched Adelyn. It was nice to spend that time together and just chat (we haven't been face to face in almost 2 weeks). It was almost like we were dating again :)

I made the decision before I left the hospital that I would only spend one hour with Adelyn today, because I over did it yesterday. So, I went to Braun's at 12:30 and stayed until 1:30. I played with Adelyn the entire time, held her and talked to her. She was in a fairly good mood and I must say I did enjoy myself. I left at 1:30 even though I felt like I probably could have stayed (although then I most likely would be in the same boat I was in yesterday). I left feeling good, and feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Unfortunately I'm still working on some really negative thoughts that just won't go away...even though I felt good about the visit I can't shake the feeling that I should have done more, or that I should be ABLE to do more. I get very frustrated with myself and that starts this vicious and negative cycle. I'm trying to look more positively at everything, but it is so hard, especially when I have more down days. But, today went well and I have a good feeling inside right now, so that is a plus.

On a side note, there is something that has been bothering me huge lately. I want to make it clear that I am NOT looking for someone to stroke my ego, seriously. But, this is something that has been bothering me and I've made it my mission to be honest on this blog.

My weight. It is driving me crazy (well, even more so...I can make a joke about this, can't I??). I have gained 20 lbs while on my antidepressants. Weight gain is a common side effect of these medications, but it sucks. I've always had body issues and now this uncontrollable gain is just feeding those. I've even tried basically starving myself and I don't lose a single pound. It is beyond frustrating. I don't think I will have any hope of losing any weight until I am off these meds, but in the mean time here I am stuck not fitting into ANYTHING. I wear sweats everyday..not because I'm lazy (well, I'm depressed), but because I don't have nice clothes that FIT. When I go back to work I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe and that stinks...I don't have the money to buy a new size of clothes that (I hope) won't be fitting me when I get off the meds. Sigh. OK, rant over...I just needed to get that out. Stupid medications.

I hope everyone had a good weekend- I'm looking forward to this week because tomorrow, I have my specialist appointment in Hamilton with the Women's Health Concerns Clinic. Greg is coming with me and I'm hoping to get a good second opinion and possibly a referral to ECT...but I will update with that tomorrow, or Tuesday morning.

All the best for the coming week,
Amanda

Defective

If there was a factory that made mothers, I would be thrown in the reject pile. There is something seriously wrong with me and I had it.I hate feeling like a defective parent.

I guess you can tell that today didn't go all that well...I was excited to see Adelyn, and interacted with her well, but I just got so overwhelmed after a while and had to go back to the hospital early. I was (and am) so frustrated with myself I can't even tell you. For me, trying to parent is as excruciating and as impossible as sawing off one of your own limbs. Dramatic example, but true. I try SO hard but I feel like for all this pain and suffering, I get nowhere and get nothing. As much as I try to explain this feeling to you, I don't think words could ever convey the true pain that I feel and the struggle that I face with this pain every day. There are days when I can't take the feeling anymore, and this afternoon was one of those times. I was driving myself back to the hospital and all I could think about was how much I wanted to drive myself off the 406. How badly I wanted this all the end - for everyone around me. Thankfully I was able to arrive safely, but those thoughts were extremely difficult to combat tonight.

Even with all this negativity I have one ray of hope: tomorrow. I can hope that seeing Adelyn and Greg tomorrow will go smoothly and that I will be able to tolerate being around Adelyn more easily. Also, my overall mood (besides the suicidal thoughts) is still lifted so I need to hang on to that and put faith in God and His willingness to allow the meds to work for me.

Thank-you for reading and thank God for new and brighter days,
Amanda

Rainy Days

Rainy days make it even harder to be in here...not being able go outside for a walk, or to Tim's...This morning I went and got myself a coffee from the cart downstairs, so that was my outing. Last night one of the nurses brought in her pedometer for me and I found out that it is 1000 steps to the ER and back to Norris. So, my goal is to walk that at least 5 times during the days that I am stuck here. I know you're supposed to walk 10,000 steps per day, but I thought this would be a good start!

I have some good news - last night I felt good! Like, really good! Almost high. I also started feeling a little sick to my stomach, so I really feel like the meds are starting to do their thing. I still have a LONG road to go before I'm "better",but this glimpse of hope is really encouraging. I have been on Pristiq for a week today, so we have more weeks of observation before I know if it is really going to work for me (yes, I will be here that whole time). It's one thing to feel good in here...and it's a whole other thing to go home and feel good, and not overwhelmed. One step at a time, and this is one step in the right direction.

I'm still looking forward to seeing Adelyn and Greg this weekend,I just don't know when that will be since Greg is working today :( If he finishes on time then he can pick me up for a bit...I'm only allowed to go out for 4 hours max right now (which is fine with me). I'm just hoping that Greg's day will go well and I can get out for a bit.

I also wanted to let people know that I am having problems with responding to comments on the blog - I am using a netbook to write and there are some things that it won't let me do, and commenting seems to be one of them.I wanted you all to know that I read and appreciate ALL comments, and just because I don't respond doesn't mean I'm not reading them, so please keep them coming, they are very encouraging!

Have a great weekend!

An Outsider Looking In

I'm feeling pretty down today(what else is new..).I found it so hard to get out of bed again this morning. Thankfully I had a sketch to do for this afternoon,and we had Group this morning. The topic was "Fake it till you Make it", which I've made reference to on my blog before. It was basically a discussion on what activities we can do in our daily life that keep us going, keep us "normal" as I would say. We talked about doing activities like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, getting ready...talking about how doing these things and "going through the motions" can actually help us sometimes.

Aside from group I saw Dr.Asti this morning and she told me that the results of my latest ECG came back normal (it was abnormal previously), and that she can now try me on another medication to try and help me sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and of course that is further hindering my mood.I'm trying Trazadone tonight...it's a weak antidepressant with great "sleep-inducing properties" as Dr.Asti says. Hopefully it works because for the last almost 2 weeks I haven't been getting a good sleep and I really need that right now.

Now, I have to make a confession...something I've been holding in. I am growing to despise Facebook and am seriously considering a hiatus. I am not pointing anyone out AT ALL, but this is collective thing that has been really bothering me. All my friends (well, a huge portion) either have kids or is pregnant. I am happy for everyone, I really am...but it makes me feel like an outsider looking in when people put up bump pictures, or post about how much fun they are having with their kids/babies. It gets me right in the chest...I think it's a combination of jealousy (yes, I'll admit that), grief, and the depression. It makes me so sad to think about how happy I used to be...especially when I was pregnant. I remember the anticipation and excitement, and cant help but think of what a letdown it truly was for me. I haven't been honestly happy in 9 months and I am so jealous of those that get to enjoy a normal life. It makes me feel like a terrible mother, and even more inadequate. On the flip side, I love the updates and keeping in touch with my friends, so I don't know what to do with FB right now. A definite love-hate relationship.

On a positive note, I get hours out this weekend...4 hours at a time to go out with friends or family. I'm looking forward to seeing Greg and Adelyn and spending some much needed time away from this hospital.

Flow

I can't help but feeling like I am boring everyone to death with my daily updates, but it gives me something to do, so you all will just have to bear with me.

I had a really bad start to my day..let me back up and say this bad day started last night. Yesterday my Norris friend (well, I'd like to think legitimate friend now), left yesterday which had me feeling down, not to mention that my room mate just got privileges and was able to go out last night. So there I sat by myself...I curled up in bed at 5:30pm and didn't move(didn't sleep either), until 8pm when one of the nurses came to see how I was. I just felt so incredibly down that I felt it through and through physically.

Unfortunately that is how my day started today...not wanting to get out of bed. I had some blood work taken, ate my breakfast, then pulled up the covers until 9:30 am when I just felt so gross that I managed to get my butt out of bed to take a shower. Maybe some people are thinking “must be nice to stay in bed all the time”. Trust me, it's a terrible feeling and I despise it. You feel so heavy and down that you can't move. I would wish it on no one.

This morning I started on my new dosage of Pristiq...obviously I don't feel better yet but I also didn't feel any side effects. Again, you must be thinking “that's good, no side effects”...well, to me, that means that the drug is not doing a darn thing in my body. I WANT some side effects to let me know that something,anything, is working in there.

I had one highlight to my day so far (yay) and that was sketching...I sketched a picture of Adelyn, then the secretary saw it and asked me if I could sketch her grandchildren, which I did and it turned out quite nice (if I do say so myself). It kept me busy and I experienced some “flow” (think 1^st year Recreation theory class)...I enjoyed what I was doing and I was good at it. That was the one thing that has kept me out of bed today, and that just goes to show you how important recreation is...yes, I'm plugging therapeutic recreation and not just because that's what I do, but I've experienced the need for it first hand. Everyone needs to experience some”flow” in their lives – whatever that may come from.

I finished the drawing and am already “booked” for tomorrow with another request, which of course makes me feel good. So now I am just waiting for a visit from Pastor Ryan, which I am looking forward to. I just hope that I can ride my high through the rest of the day and fight the strong urge to just crawl back into bed and shut out the world.

Another Day at Norris

I've been feeling really down today. Not sure why...I saw Adelyn this morning but it didn't go all that well (in my mind) because she was getting tired and needed her nap. I don't know if that contributed to my mood or not, I guess it is what it is.

I woke up this morning to my laptop and knitting missing - turns out that the lovely night staff came into my room while I was sleeping and snatched all my "illegals". I was pretty ticked of because I thought it was definitely rude and disrespectful. Thankfully I got all my things back this morning from the day staff, with the promise that I will lock everything up at night (fine by me). I also found out that Greg will be able to attend my specialist appointment with me on Monday in Hamilton (by OPT), which is good news.

I saw the doctor this afternoon and told her how down I was feeling. Yesterday I was having a lot of irrational thoughts like God hates me and is punishing me, my friends have all left me, my family hates me...and they go on and on. I was very negative yesterday and it has really been affecting me. She decided to up my Pristiq to the max dose of 100 mg as of tomorrow. This comes with the risk that I could feel really ill, but I'm willing (as well as she) to up the dose and deal with what comes...hoping that the benefits outweigh the risks.

I'm starting to lose sight of why I am here...I have to remind myself daily that I'm here for a purpose and that is to get better for my family . But it is getting really hard and it's only been a week (just over) that I have been here. I'm feeling forgotten and lonely. I wish every minute of the day that I could be well enough to leave here and well enough to WANT to take care of Adelyn since right now I have lost all desire. I have no drive and no ambition, some moments I don't even have the ambition to get better, but I know I need to do this for my family, if not for me.

Patience

"Wait for the LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"
Psalm 24:17

This is the verse that is right at the foot of my bed so I can read it all the time. I have to have patience; patience for the meds to work; patience to be able to leave the floor; patience to be able to be a good mom.

I decided that I'm going to use my blog as my personal journal while I am in here. As such, sometimes I may not make much sense but I think it is something that will be therapeutic for me, as well as educational for others.

I saw Dr. Asti this morning; I expected that she would let me out tomorrow to go spend some time with Adelyn and my mom. Turns out that she feels like I'm not ready to go out yet...I haven't been sleeping and I had a bad day yesterday. Yesterday I felt like I truly wanted to put Adelyn up for adoption - that didn't want to be a mom anymore and that some other family would love her more than I would. This is where the explanation comes in...I know this is my irrational brain talking so would I ACTUALLY put her up for adoption? Clearly not, but it doesn't stop the thoughts that come. I've been very negative lately and feeling like there is no pill to make me a better mom. There is no pill that will make me into the person that I want so desperately to be.

So today I'm stuck in here again, not able to leave. For those of you that are wondering, my mom was nice enough to let me borrow her netbook and I have amazingly found an internet connection here on the library window sill. I would like to use this blog as a daily account of my journey, in hopes that I won't bore everyone to death I will try and keep it interesting.

The one problem is that there are some computer nazi's around here, and if I get seen with my computer they may take it from me. Also, I'm not allowed to have the cord to charge it, so it all depends on who's at the nurses station to see if they will let me charge the computer or not. what a joke really. So frustrating. Hopefully I will manage to manipulate the nursing staff enough to continually have the computer, but we shall see.