"Wait for the LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"
Psalm 24:17
Psalm 24:17
This is the verse that is right at the foot of my bed so I can read it all the time. I have to have patience; patience for the meds to work; patience to be able to leave the floor; patience to be able to be a good mom.
I decided that I'm going to use my blog as my personal journal while I am in here. As such, sometimes I may not make much sense but I think it is something that will be therapeutic for me, as well as educational for others.
I saw Dr. Asti this morning; I expected that she would let me out tomorrow to go spend some time with Adelyn and my mom. Turns out that she feels like I'm not ready to go out yet...I haven't been sleeping and I had a bad day yesterday. Yesterday I felt like I truly wanted to put Adelyn up for adoption - that didn't want to be a mom anymore and that some other family would love her more than I would. This is where the explanation comes in...I know this is my irrational brain talking so would I ACTUALLY put her up for adoption? Clearly not, but it doesn't stop the thoughts that come. I've been very negative lately and feeling like there is no pill to make me a better mom. There is no pill that will make me into the person that I want so desperately to be.
So today I'm stuck in here again, not able to leave. For those of you that are wondering, my mom was nice enough to let me borrow her netbook and I have amazingly found an internet connection here on the library window sill. I would like to use this blog as a daily account of my journey, in hopes that I won't bore everyone to death I will try and keep it interesting.
The one problem is that there are some computer nazi's around here, and if I get seen with my computer they may take it from me. Also, I'm not allowed to have the cord to charge it, so it all depends on who's at the nurses station to see if they will let me charge the computer or not. what a joke really. So frustrating. Hopefully I will manage to manipulate the nursing staff enough to continually have the computer, but we shall see.
I decided that I'm going to use my blog as my personal journal while I am in here. As such, sometimes I may not make much sense but I think it is something that will be therapeutic for me, as well as educational for others.
I saw Dr. Asti this morning; I expected that she would let me out tomorrow to go spend some time with Adelyn and my mom. Turns out that she feels like I'm not ready to go out yet...I haven't been sleeping and I had a bad day yesterday. Yesterday I felt like I truly wanted to put Adelyn up for adoption - that didn't want to be a mom anymore and that some other family would love her more than I would. This is where the explanation comes in...I know this is my irrational brain talking so would I ACTUALLY put her up for adoption? Clearly not, but it doesn't stop the thoughts that come. I've been very negative lately and feeling like there is no pill to make me a better mom. There is no pill that will make me into the person that I want so desperately to be.
So today I'm stuck in here again, not able to leave. For those of you that are wondering, my mom was nice enough to let me borrow her netbook and I have amazingly found an internet connection here on the library window sill. I would like to use this blog as a daily account of my journey, in hopes that I won't bore everyone to death I will try and keep it interesting.
The one problem is that there are some computer nazi's around here, and if I get seen with my computer they may take it from me. Also, I'm not allowed to have the cord to charge it, so it all depends on who's at the nurses station to see if they will let me charge the computer or not. what a joke really. So frustrating. Hopefully I will manage to manipulate the nursing staff enough to continually have the computer, but we shall see.
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