Tick Tick Tick

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
W. C. Doane

Today marks 4 weeks in the Norris Wing. Actually, counting the extra week that I spent in February, it would be 5 weeks total. I knew it would be a long time going into it, but the realization that I've actually been there this long is disappointing (because I hoped I would be further along).

I feel like my clock is running out...my maternity leave it tick-tick-ticking away, day by day. I have less than three months left. In addition to the realization of how long I've spent in the hospital, comes the realization that I have "wasted" months of my life feeling terrible. I have "wasted" my maternity leave by being depressed. I'm so sad about that fact I can't even tell you. Knowing that this last year of my life should have been filled with joy and happiness sticks a knife into my heart.

I'm scared because I don't know what is going to happen with work. I don't know if I will feel well enough to work, but I have people counting on me. I'm not sure I can take the pressure, but I feel I have no other choice. I have asked my work if they would consider creating a job-share position for my job, but they said no...so it's full time or nothing. I know I've mentioned this before, but this is really weighing on my mind. I love my job, and I want to go back, but I don't forsee myself feeling well enough to return in the capacity that they require. If anyone reading this has any HR experience and knows if I have any rights, please let me know...I feel like I'm going into this blind.

Time is also ticking away for my time in the hospital...it's time that things start moving, or that's what I tell myself. I told that to the doctor and she agreed to let me take my car to the hospital, so I can drive home every day and spend 4-6 hours at home with Adelyn. I'm really happy about this progress, however, I wish I felt better about being home. I still feel a lot of anxiety, which I can't even explain. I am on so many drugs you would think that that would take care of any anxiety but I must have it BAD.

Speaking of drugs...maybe now would be a good time to update my medication-conscious friends. I'm currently on the following cocktail:

Pristiq (antidepressant) 100 mg (max)
Abilify (antipsychotic) 10 mg
Seroquel (antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) 150 mg
Lithium (mood stabilizer) 900 mg
Imovane (sleeping pill) 7.5 mg
Temazepam (sleeping pill) 30 mg

The doctor believes that the Pristiq is going to give me another "boost" yet..I've only been on it for 3 weeks, and as most of you know, antidepressants take 4-6 weeks to feel the full effects. Fingers crossed that she is right, because I could really use it. I feel that the lithium is working, however, it is a mood stabilizer, which means it just keeps me very even...almost too even to the point where I can feel real happiness. Dr. Asti says we can tweak that later on, but for now, she would prefer that I remain at a stable point for observation.

So there is the full update, and what's going on in my brain (a scary place!). People keep telling me they have faith I will get better, and I pray that they are right. Having gone through this for SO long, I start to lose sight of the prize, to lose faith in the happy ending. Thank-you to everyone for holding on to the faith for me, and for encouraging me. It truly does help.

All the best,
Amanda