So if you're following this blog I would imagine that you're checking up on how things went today. I am happy to report that things today went much much smoother than yesterday. I went home around 10:30 am and spent some time alone with Greg, while my in-laws watched Adelyn. It was nice to spend that time together and just chat (we haven't been face to face in almost 2 weeks). It was almost like we were dating again :)
I made the decision before I left the hospital that I would only spend one hour with Adelyn today, because I over did it yesterday. So, I went to Braun's at 12:30 and stayed until 1:30. I played with Adelyn the entire time, held her and talked to her. She was in a fairly good mood and I must say I did enjoy myself. I left at 1:30 even though I felt like I probably could have stayed (although then I most likely would be in the same boat I was in yesterday). I left feeling good, and feeling a sense of accomplishment.
Unfortunately I'm still working on some really negative thoughts that just won't go away...even though I felt good about the visit I can't shake the feeling that I should have done more, or that I should be ABLE to do more. I get very frustrated with myself and that starts this vicious and negative cycle. I'm trying to look more positively at everything, but it is so hard, especially when I have more down days. But, today went well and I have a good feeling inside right now, so that is a plus.
On a side note, there is something that has been bothering me huge lately. I want to make it clear that I am NOT looking for someone to stroke my ego, seriously. But, this is something that has been bothering me and I've made it my mission to be honest on this blog.
My weight. It is driving me crazy (well, even more so...I can make a joke about this, can't I??). I have gained 20 lbs while on my antidepressants. Weight gain is a common side effect of these medications, but it sucks. I've always had body issues and now this uncontrollable gain is just feeding those. I've even tried basically starving myself and I don't lose a single pound. It is beyond frustrating. I don't think I will have any hope of losing any weight until I am off these meds, but in the mean time here I am stuck not fitting into ANYTHING. I wear sweats everyday..not because I'm lazy (well, I'm depressed), but because I don't have nice clothes that FIT. When I go back to work I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe and that stinks...I don't have the money to buy a new size of clothes that (I hope) won't be fitting me when I get off the meds. Sigh. OK, rant over...I just needed to get that out. Stupid medications.
I hope everyone had a good weekend- I'm looking forward to this week because tomorrow, I have my specialist appointment in Hamilton with the Women's Health Concerns Clinic. Greg is coming with me and I'm hoping to get a good second opinion and possibly a referral to ECT...but I will update with that tomorrow, or Tuesday morning.
All the best for the coming week,
Amanda
PTL for good days! Those negative thoughts about doing more? To me, that just shows your deepest desire to be healthy and better. You had a positive experience, and it's like you're just craving more, and it's frustrating that it's not possible to accomplish that the way you want to.
ReplyDeleteKeep pushing on, girl. You've accomplished so much, even if it doesn't seem like it. You're touching so many lives with your story, thank you for your honesty and openness.
Love and prayers,
-Anne
Amanda...feeling overweight sucks....but we are women....we can do anything!!! Like drop 20lbs! Enjoy food right now, and worry about that later! In the meen time...you let me know if i can bring you a certain size pair of jeans, or nice top...I'll do it! I know for me, that when i wake up everyday a big important thing for me to feel good is to get dressed, put makeup on, and try and feel the best about myself! Honestly, if you can write me an email of something you would love clothing wise I will GLADLY help you! Your blogs are so strong, and real...and i don't know what you are going through, but i appreciate your honesty... Thinking about YOU! I know you have it in you!!! Xo
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