A Mother's Love

Lately I've been feeling more bonded to Adelyn - and the other day, I started to think "this is what a mother's love must feel like". However, as I thought about it more, I realized that I have been loving Adelyn with a self-less love this entire time. I have loved her more than my own life; when I thought about how many pills I would have to take, and how deep I would have to cut; I thought of her face. When I wanted to give up and leave this world and never ever look back, I thought of her smiles. If it weren't for the love of a mother to a daughter, I would not still be here today. So that's really something if you ask me.

Fortunately, instead of an unconscious love, I have been developing a strong bond with Adelyn in the past few weeks. I have learned how to love her better, and how to be a better mom. It hurts me to leave her, whereas before I couldn't care less if I was away from her. I WANT to be with her, and when I'm away from her, I think about all the cute things she does, and how much I am falling in love with her little face.

My outings are still going well - I go out every day for at least 6 hours, and have been doing a lot of her care (well, almost all of it) when I am out. Today I am at my in-laws house and so far I have gotten Adelyn up, fed her breakfast, played with her and put her down for a nap. That is a pretty big deal for me. I'm still getting pretty stressed, but I'm learning how to manage the stress better, and not to let my thoughts go down hill when I am. For example, before, if I would have been overwhelmed my immediate thought would be about how I could kill myself...now those thoughts don't cross my mind, thank goodness.

I have another little story about how God's hand has been working in my life - I don't know how many people know this, but I had been working towards applying to the part-time nursing program at Niagara College (I did a chem. and psych. course to apply). Well, I just got my acceptance letter two days ago. I was really happy I got in, however, it sent me into a tailspin because I didn't know how I was going to make this all work. I have mentioned my work issues on here before, so you should all know how conflicted I am about it. So that's all I was thinking about..work school work school work school...I prayed and prayed for an answer. Well, this morning I decided, reluctantly, that this wasn't the right time for school. Wouldn't you know it, but I just checked my email and received a notice that the RPN program from 2011-2012 is being suspended! I am SO thankful for this! It took the decision out of my hands and gives me a guilt-free solution. I think this is a pretty awesome answer to prayer. Now just to receive and answer about work! I'm still working on that one...

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great weekend!
Amanda