What does the love of a mother look like? What does it feel like? These are two questions that I could not have answered two weeks ago. But now, I am amazed that I am able to sit here and tell you what I have discovered about the love of a mother to her child, and fully absorb that I am talking about MYSELF - not some ideal that I am striving for.
I started to notice things slowly...like I wanted to be around Adelyn more, I wanted to get to Braun's every free second I had. I also started longing for her...staring at pictures and trying not to get upset. I started getting choked up at TV shows/commercials that showed parents and children. I almost find it hard to put into words the way that I love her now compared to a few weeks ago. I never pined for her before...I could take her or leave her. Don't get me wrong, I thought she was cute, but that was about it. Now the sight of her melts my heart - when she says "ya-ya" (which is I Love You), I am so happy I want to cry. When she looks at me with those pretty blue eyes all I want to do is get lost in them; spend all day in them. I want to be around her all the time - I want to absorb all this love that I've been missing for the past 18 months.
Am I afraid that this isn't the real deal? Most definitely. How do I know that this is going to last? I don't. I spoke to my doctor yesterday (the one from Hamilton) and he suggested to stop ECT because I was feeling better...but I asked for at least two more because I am afraid of going backwards. He agreed; so I have one Tuesday and Thursday next week. After that I will probably be doing maintenance treatments for a while.
I'm really excited for where I am right now, but also very afraid. This could all end in a minute - my love could wane again and I could be left depressed and with nothing. That really scares the crap out of me. I guess I just have to believe that this time God will protect me from this evil that has tried to overcome me, and that He will allow me to continue to get better and better; for my family's sake.
It is very hard to describe the new love that I feel in my heart- but if you've ever loved someone unconditionally, you know what I'm talking about. If you are lucky enough to have this love, please, don't waste it; don't take it for granted. It could all be gone in a minute. I know the joy of having lost all emotion only to get it back tenfold, but I would hate to see someone who already has this joy to lose it without knowing. Love is a gift from God, cherish it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A Shocking Difference
Today was my 7th electric shock treatment...and I thought I would take this opportunity (if even for myself) to do some comparisons between when I started, until now.
For the first 5 treatments, I was convinced that this wouldn't work (because I never felt anything afterwards). The nurses and doctors kept telling me to hang in there, that I needed to give it time. Well, the last thing you want to do is wait when you have a depression as severe as mine. I felt like each second that ticked by was one second closer to my suicide. I couldn't live like that anymore.
Then something happened. I felt joy in my chest. I laughed. I felt all around "lighter". It wasn't black and white, but there was definitely a change in me that I noticed. This happened approx after my 6th treatment. I showed up to get my treatment this morning, and the nurse looked at me right away and said "Are you feeling better?", with a smile on her face. She knew right away. I asked if it was that obvious and she said yes, she sees this all the time. I was SO excited that she noticed something changed in me, what an amazing moment for me. I asked her if she knew this would happen and she just shook her head "yes" and gave a little-knowing-laugh.
I can't describe the feeling of optimism I have now- I'm excited to get up to go to each treatment because I feel a renewed sense of hope that this might actually work out for me.
For the first 5 treatments, I was convinced that this wouldn't work (because I never felt anything afterwards). The nurses and doctors kept telling me to hang in there, that I needed to give it time. Well, the last thing you want to do is wait when you have a depression as severe as mine. I felt like each second that ticked by was one second closer to my suicide. I couldn't live like that anymore.
Then something happened. I felt joy in my chest. I laughed. I felt all around "lighter". It wasn't black and white, but there was definitely a change in me that I noticed. This happened approx after my 6th treatment. I showed up to get my treatment this morning, and the nurse looked at me right away and said "Are you feeling better?", with a smile on her face. She knew right away. I asked if it was that obvious and she said yes, she sees this all the time. I was SO excited that she noticed something changed in me, what an amazing moment for me. I asked her if she knew this would happen and she just shook her head "yes" and gave a little-knowing-laugh.
I can't describe the feeling of optimism I have now- I'm excited to get up to go to each treatment because I feel a renewed sense of hope that this might actually work out for me.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Therapy of Another Kind
Everything has therapeutic value. Everything. Especially when you're faced with a situation where your whole life has been turned upside down and you have to take everything you can get. A recreation therapist by trade, you would think that I would have stumbled across this truth sooner. You think I would have realized how important leisure was in order to get better. That just goes to show how undervalued leisure pursuits are - especially since a rec. therapist didn't even buy into their value.
I am ashamed to admit that I fell into this trap of thinking that recreation was unimportant in my recovery. I received a good slap in the face by that truth this weekend. Having been an avid rider in my younger years, I really yearn for that connection between horse and rider. I had taken two years off of riding because I had gotten pregnant, then everything else happened after I had Adelyn. I missed riding but I knew that I couldn't afford it right now (it's not cheap!). I knew it could probably help me, but I just didn't know where to find the money.
I think people started to realize that I was not getting better on my own. Medications weren't working...therapy wasn't working...shock treatments were not working. It was time to get creative. That's when I was offered the amazing opportunity to ride at the barn where I was before I had Adelyn. I was told that I didn't have to pay - I could ride, no string attached. I can't even tell you how happy this made me. I felt like this was the ticket to getting better and I had just been given a new lease on life. Well I went out this weekend to ride, and it was amazing. The therapeutic value of being on horseback cannot be described. There is just something between horse and rider that is a spiritual connection that cannot be recreated any other way. I was on a high.
After my ride I knew that something was different. Something had changed in me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I felt connected to something that I had missed for two years. I felt like I had returned to my niche. I can't even being to thank Chrissy Bertrand for allowing me this amazing opportunity to find myself again. I feel like I do not deserve this AT ALL, and have to learn to get over this guilt that I feel over taking her up on her offer. I believe that riding might be my ticket- not medication, not shock treatments, not talk therapy. But horses. Could it be?
Although I can barely walk this morning from the muscle soreness, I find myself thinking about when the next time I can go to the barn is. My medicine is in that blue building off of Brady Street. I feel like I have a new lease on life; one that actually shows promise of change and promise of reform. Maybe I could actually feel better..? Maybe I can actually BE a parent to my daughter..?
Which brings me to the point in the post where I should update everyone as to what is going on. FACS has still taken charge of Adelyn and she is not allowed in our presence unless there are two adults around. She has spent the weekend with my mom and sister; the pictures of her weekend just melt my heart. I'm finding myself missing her, which I never did before. I'm finding my heart aching for her, which I have never felt before. Is it because she has been taken from me? Is it because something inside me is changing?
I find myself getting excited for Christmas; for buying Adelyn gifts and having her open them on Christmas morning. This is the FIRST time that I have seem Adelyn as a little PERSON, not just a baby that needs to be taken care of. It's hard to describe, but it's such a huge shift in how I view her, and view my role in taking care of her. I see her as a a real person that has feelings and desires; a real person that has the capacity to truly enjoy the holidays and everything that comes with it. I'm finding myself being able to see Christmas through the eyes of a child.
So here I sit; alone, by my Christmas tree. I miss my daughter and I wish that I was spending time with her right now. I have to have faith that somehow, God will allow her to be returned to us. I have to believe that God will have mercy on our family and allow us to experience the joy of being together this holiday season and for the months and years to come. I have suffered enough...it is time to get over this.
Thank-you again to all of you for reading, and for your support...I know I say it all the time, but I truly want you all to know how thankful I am. Without the moral support of all of you, I may not still be here. There have been many times where I wanted to end my life (and have come dangerously close), but I stopped because I realized how many people were rooting for me and wanted me to get better. I feel lifted up by all of you - you are carrying me through. Please know how much I appreciate every single kind word/email/FB post.
-Amanda
I am ashamed to admit that I fell into this trap of thinking that recreation was unimportant in my recovery. I received a good slap in the face by that truth this weekend. Having been an avid rider in my younger years, I really yearn for that connection between horse and rider. I had taken two years off of riding because I had gotten pregnant, then everything else happened after I had Adelyn. I missed riding but I knew that I couldn't afford it right now (it's not cheap!). I knew it could probably help me, but I just didn't know where to find the money.
I think people started to realize that I was not getting better on my own. Medications weren't working...therapy wasn't working...shock treatments were not working. It was time to get creative. That's when I was offered the amazing opportunity to ride at the barn where I was before I had Adelyn. I was told that I didn't have to pay - I could ride, no string attached. I can't even tell you how happy this made me. I felt like this was the ticket to getting better and I had just been given a new lease on life. Well I went out this weekend to ride, and it was amazing. The therapeutic value of being on horseback cannot be described. There is just something between horse and rider that is a spiritual connection that cannot be recreated any other way. I was on a high.
After my ride I knew that something was different. Something had changed in me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I felt connected to something that I had missed for two years. I felt like I had returned to my niche. I can't even being to thank Chrissy Bertrand for allowing me this amazing opportunity to find myself again. I feel like I do not deserve this AT ALL, and have to learn to get over this guilt that I feel over taking her up on her offer. I believe that riding might be my ticket- not medication, not shock treatments, not talk therapy. But horses. Could it be?
Although I can barely walk this morning from the muscle soreness, I find myself thinking about when the next time I can go to the barn is. My medicine is in that blue building off of Brady Street. I feel like I have a new lease on life; one that actually shows promise of change and promise of reform. Maybe I could actually feel better..? Maybe I can actually BE a parent to my daughter..?
Which brings me to the point in the post where I should update everyone as to what is going on. FACS has still taken charge of Adelyn and she is not allowed in our presence unless there are two adults around. She has spent the weekend with my mom and sister; the pictures of her weekend just melt my heart. I'm finding myself missing her, which I never did before. I'm finding my heart aching for her, which I have never felt before. Is it because she has been taken from me? Is it because something inside me is changing?
I find myself getting excited for Christmas; for buying Adelyn gifts and having her open them on Christmas morning. This is the FIRST time that I have seem Adelyn as a little PERSON, not just a baby that needs to be taken care of. It's hard to describe, but it's such a huge shift in how I view her, and view my role in taking care of her. I see her as a a real person that has feelings and desires; a real person that has the capacity to truly enjoy the holidays and everything that comes with it. I'm finding myself being able to see Christmas through the eyes of a child.
So here I sit; alone, by my Christmas tree. I miss my daughter and I wish that I was spending time with her right now. I have to have faith that somehow, God will allow her to be returned to us. I have to believe that God will have mercy on our family and allow us to experience the joy of being together this holiday season and for the months and years to come. I have suffered enough...it is time to get over this.
Thank-you again to all of you for reading, and for your support...I know I say it all the time, but I truly want you all to know how thankful I am. Without the moral support of all of you, I may not still be here. There have been many times where I wanted to end my life (and have come dangerously close), but I stopped because I realized how many people were rooting for me and wanted me to get better. I feel lifted up by all of you - you are carrying me through. Please know how much I appreciate every single kind word/email/FB post.
-Amanda
Rock Bottom...?
I think I've hit it.I think I've hit rock bottom. There is no where to go from here. Adelyn has been taken from our home and I have been deemed unfit to take care of her. I knew this was coming...I knew when this illness started that this was coming, I just didn't know when.
I want to try and bring everyone up to speed, while also respecting Greg's wishes for me not to share all of our personal information on the internet. I will try to walk that fine line in this post. I should also say that, because of the ECT, my recollection of events is poor to say the least, so bare with me.
I don't even know where to start- I guess I will just start typing and hope that something makes some sense. Things have been going downhill for quite some time;I have been in and out of the Emergency Room, on and off my medications. I have even resorted to such drastic treatments as ECT. Nothing has helped this far and things have just escalated with Adelyn and my feelings. Now the most recent development is that Adelyn is not allowed in our home for AT LEAST 30 days, probably much longer. I am not allowed to see her unless there are TWO other adults in the room. That's right, not one but TWO. I think that is a bit extreme. They really feel as though I am capable of killing her. I made it quite clear in the meeting with FACS, that if anyone was going to die, it was going to be me.
So here I sit, alone, while Adelyn is at my in-laws with Brittany. Not exactly how I would have planned the first 18 months of Adelyn's life. I miss her, but yet I don't at the same time. There is so much pain there, that without her around, I have a break from it for a while. It's a double-edged sword for sure.
I can't help but believe that this world would be so much better off without me. I have never felt so close to killing myself as I have in these past days. I just feel like I've reached the end of the line; there is no where to go from here. ECT isn't working...medications has failed me...therapy does nothing....I really have nothing left. The only thing that is keeping me going is Greg and Adelyn. I don't want to leave them without a wife and mother. That would be incredibly selfish of me. Although I have thoughts of harming her, I love Adelyn deeply and I only want the best for her in her life. And that includes having a mother figure.
I find myself turning to God right now, and asking why. Why Lord have you made me suffer for this long? Why, Lord, have you put my family through this hardship? Maybe I will never know the answers-and that has to be okay with me. I know God knows what He's doing, even though it may not make perfect sense to me right now. I just pray that he will continue to hold me up and keep me alive to see my daughter grow up. A happy, healthy Adelyn, that's all I want. Please Lord, please allow me to be there for her.
As an aside, my treatments have been going all right - I have felt no improvement and I've had 6 treatments in total. I was told that if you don't feel anything by 6, usually you don't. But today the doctor told me that I have to stay the course, and that some people dramatically improve in the last few weeks. All I can do is hope and pray that he is right.
Thank-you to all of you who continue to hold me up in prayer, and to express your concern. I appreciate it more than you know. To have a community behind you when you're facing such a terrible struggle is invaluable. I know I wouldn't have the strength to continue if it weren't for your prayers and support. Please continue to ask questions, I am always happy to answer (because I believe it will help others along the way). God bless you all.
I want to try and bring everyone up to speed, while also respecting Greg's wishes for me not to share all of our personal information on the internet. I will try to walk that fine line in this post. I should also say that, because of the ECT, my recollection of events is poor to say the least, so bare with me.
I don't even know where to start- I guess I will just start typing and hope that something makes some sense. Things have been going downhill for quite some time;I have been in and out of the Emergency Room, on and off my medications. I have even resorted to such drastic treatments as ECT. Nothing has helped this far and things have just escalated with Adelyn and my feelings. Now the most recent development is that Adelyn is not allowed in our home for AT LEAST 30 days, probably much longer. I am not allowed to see her unless there are TWO other adults in the room. That's right, not one but TWO. I think that is a bit extreme. They really feel as though I am capable of killing her. I made it quite clear in the meeting with FACS, that if anyone was going to die, it was going to be me.
So here I sit, alone, while Adelyn is at my in-laws with Brittany. Not exactly how I would have planned the first 18 months of Adelyn's life. I miss her, but yet I don't at the same time. There is so much pain there, that without her around, I have a break from it for a while. It's a double-edged sword for sure.
I can't help but believe that this world would be so much better off without me. I have never felt so close to killing myself as I have in these past days. I just feel like I've reached the end of the line; there is no where to go from here. ECT isn't working...medications has failed me...therapy does nothing....I really have nothing left. The only thing that is keeping me going is Greg and Adelyn. I don't want to leave them without a wife and mother. That would be incredibly selfish of me. Although I have thoughts of harming her, I love Adelyn deeply and I only want the best for her in her life. And that includes having a mother figure.
I find myself turning to God right now, and asking why. Why Lord have you made me suffer for this long? Why, Lord, have you put my family through this hardship? Maybe I will never know the answers-and that has to be okay with me. I know God knows what He's doing, even though it may not make perfect sense to me right now. I just pray that he will continue to hold me up and keep me alive to see my daughter grow up. A happy, healthy Adelyn, that's all I want. Please Lord, please allow me to be there for her.
As an aside, my treatments have been going all right - I have felt no improvement and I've had 6 treatments in total. I was told that if you don't feel anything by 6, usually you don't. But today the doctor told me that I have to stay the course, and that some people dramatically improve in the last few weeks. All I can do is hope and pray that he is right.
Thank-you to all of you who continue to hold me up in prayer, and to express your concern. I appreciate it more than you know. To have a community behind you when you're facing such a terrible struggle is invaluable. I know I wouldn't have the strength to continue if it weren't for your prayers and support. Please continue to ask questions, I am always happy to answer (because I believe it will help others along the way). God bless you all.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Hitting a New Low
I have to be careful what I say here...so please forgive me if I seem vague in some areas. Family and Children's Services have been tracking my Facebook account, and have been reading my status updates pertaining to Adelyn and this whole case. I am writing this blog entry to clear up some confusion about what has happened, and also to say that (upon the request of my husband) I will no longer be sharing pertinent details of my case on the internet. I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I hope that I will continue to have you as readers, regardless of the absence of very personal life details.
First of all, my treatments have been going well - however, I have seen no change except for the memory loss (which is pretty severe).I cannot remember what I said 10 minutes ago, let alone information regarding life details like passwords, etc, etc. I usually have a KILLER headache when I get out of treatment, and this lasts about an hour afterwards. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and told him that I have seen little to no improvement in my depressive symptoms. He said we will give it one more week (so, two more treatments) before we would jump to any conclusions. So I'm just praying with all my might that these next two treatments will be the ticket, or else all this memory loss will be in vain.
As for everything else that is going on in my life...it is a big mess. I have to be careful what details I share because it has been brought to my attention that FACS has been tracking my Facebook, and potentially this blog. I have promised Greg that I would no longer share personal details on here, in order to protect our family (even though this blog is now private). I will try to bring you up to speed as much as possible.
To make a long story short, Adelyn has been removed from our home. She is no longer allowed to stay with me, even with one other person present. There has to be two adults to supervise me with her. This came as a complete shock - and was a result of our case file being "reviewed" whatever that means. A FACS worker just showed up here and said that Adelyn needed to be removed and she wasn't leaving until that happened. Again, long story short, Adelyn ended up at my neighbour's house. We are so very blessed and thankful for such wonderful neighbours...ones that have essentially saved our behinds and have allowed us to continue to be a part of our daughter's life.
My nanny, Brittany, is continuing to stay with Adelyn over at Kelly's, so that Kelly can continue living her normal daily life without worrying about Adelyn's care. The downfall to that is that I cannot be over there unless there is another person (besides Brittany) there. Apparently I am super dangerous, can't ya tell?? This whole thing seems bizarre to me,but I have to follow orders or else this could all get a lot worse.
Like I said though, I have to respect Greg's wishes and no longer talk about what is going on with Adelyn. I will try to update as much as I am allowed to, but please forgive me for the information gaps(which there will definitely be). For now, Adelyn is staying at my neighbour's for an extended period of time, but we hope to have her home soon. We will do whatever it takes to get her back and to prevent this from going any further than it has.
So, how am I feeling you might ask? I am in shock that all this has happened to ME...I didn't sign up for this when I got pregnant - who does? I have a hard time believing that this is my life right now...I have had my daughter removed from my own home because I am so "dangerous". I don't think anyone would have pegged me as such. If anything, I'm a danger to myself...but not to Adelyn or anyone else. I am discouraged about my ECT, and I feel like it is not going to work. NOTHING is going to work! Here I am, 18 months after giving birth, and I still cannot even care for my own child. What a crock. As I write this I'm just getting more and more pissed off that this is my life.
As I said above, it has been requested that I leave out pertinent details of my case so that they cannot be tracked back to me. I hope that everyone understands my situation (or can at least try). I am free to discuss any of this over instant messaging/Facebook/email, so please don't hesitate to contact me via these sources. If this blog has given me anything it is a sense of overwhelming support, and the thought of losing that makes me incredibly sad. Please send emails to: amanda_braun1@yahoo.ca
Now, one positive things HAS happened amongst all this turmoil and I would like to highlight that now. I know this seems like this doesn't have a place in this post, but I would like to bring attention to my new business; something that is giving me purpose and drive to succeed. I have created a new business called "BARE by Braun", and it is a body sugaring business that I am running out of my home. I have a whole area set up with a table/products/etc in my bedroom (I have a HUGE bedroom). Amidst everything this has been a shining star in my life - I am so excited to start out (first real customer today), and to build this business from the ground up. If you live in the area please consider giving me a try - the rest of November and December are FREE as I build my clientele, so please shoot me an email if you haven't already booked your free appointment! Thanks everyone for letting me share some positive information on my blog, and I hope that as the weeks go by, I will have more and more positive things to say.
Thank-you to EVERYONE for reading...your support has been overwhelming. Please please please continue to get in contact with me via email or Facebook...I need this contact with the "outside world" and to know that there are people out there that are rooting for me. It gives me strength to face my days. Truly.
Love you all.
Amanda
First of all, my treatments have been going well - however, I have seen no change except for the memory loss (which is pretty severe).I cannot remember what I said 10 minutes ago, let alone information regarding life details like passwords, etc, etc. I usually have a KILLER headache when I get out of treatment, and this lasts about an hour afterwards. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and told him that I have seen little to no improvement in my depressive symptoms. He said we will give it one more week (so, two more treatments) before we would jump to any conclusions. So I'm just praying with all my might that these next two treatments will be the ticket, or else all this memory loss will be in vain.
As for everything else that is going on in my life...it is a big mess. I have to be careful what details I share because it has been brought to my attention that FACS has been tracking my Facebook, and potentially this blog. I have promised Greg that I would no longer share personal details on here, in order to protect our family (even though this blog is now private). I will try to bring you up to speed as much as possible.
To make a long story short, Adelyn has been removed from our home. She is no longer allowed to stay with me, even with one other person present. There has to be two adults to supervise me with her. This came as a complete shock - and was a result of our case file being "reviewed" whatever that means. A FACS worker just showed up here and said that Adelyn needed to be removed and she wasn't leaving until that happened. Again, long story short, Adelyn ended up at my neighbour's house. We are so very blessed and thankful for such wonderful neighbours...ones that have essentially saved our behinds and have allowed us to continue to be a part of our daughter's life.
My nanny, Brittany, is continuing to stay with Adelyn over at Kelly's, so that Kelly can continue living her normal daily life without worrying about Adelyn's care. The downfall to that is that I cannot be over there unless there is another person (besides Brittany) there. Apparently I am super dangerous, can't ya tell?? This whole thing seems bizarre to me,but I have to follow orders or else this could all get a lot worse.
Like I said though, I have to respect Greg's wishes and no longer talk about what is going on with Adelyn. I will try to update as much as I am allowed to, but please forgive me for the information gaps(which there will definitely be). For now, Adelyn is staying at my neighbour's for an extended period of time, but we hope to have her home soon. We will do whatever it takes to get her back and to prevent this from going any further than it has.
So, how am I feeling you might ask? I am in shock that all this has happened to ME...I didn't sign up for this when I got pregnant - who does? I have a hard time believing that this is my life right now...I have had my daughter removed from my own home because I am so "dangerous". I don't think anyone would have pegged me as such. If anything, I'm a danger to myself...but not to Adelyn or anyone else. I am discouraged about my ECT, and I feel like it is not going to work. NOTHING is going to work! Here I am, 18 months after giving birth, and I still cannot even care for my own child. What a crock. As I write this I'm just getting more and more pissed off that this is my life.
As I said above, it has been requested that I leave out pertinent details of my case so that they cannot be tracked back to me. I hope that everyone understands my situation (or can at least try). I am free to discuss any of this over instant messaging/Facebook/email, so please don't hesitate to contact me via these sources. If this blog has given me anything it is a sense of overwhelming support, and the thought of losing that makes me incredibly sad. Please send emails to: amanda_braun1@yahoo.ca
Now, one positive things HAS happened amongst all this turmoil and I would like to highlight that now. I know this seems like this doesn't have a place in this post, but I would like to bring attention to my new business; something that is giving me purpose and drive to succeed. I have created a new business called "BARE by Braun", and it is a body sugaring business that I am running out of my home. I have a whole area set up with a table/products/etc in my bedroom (I have a HUGE bedroom). Amidst everything this has been a shining star in my life - I am so excited to start out (first real customer today), and to build this business from the ground up. If you live in the area please consider giving me a try - the rest of November and December are FREE as I build my clientele, so please shoot me an email if you haven't already booked your free appointment! Thanks everyone for letting me share some positive information on my blog, and I hope that as the weeks go by, I will have more and more positive things to say.
Thank-you to EVERYONE for reading...your support has been overwhelming. Please please please continue to get in contact with me via email or Facebook...I need this contact with the "outside world" and to know that there are people out there that are rooting for me. It gives me strength to face my days. Truly.
Love you all.
Amanda
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Dazed and Confused...?
So I've made it through alive. 12 hours since my treatment and I'm here to talk about it. I didn't know what to expect when I arrived, but I will talk you through it now, to fill everyone in.
I woke up at 4:30 am...yikes. Didn't get much sleep last night - I'm not allowed to take my sleeping pill because of ECT, and I was too nervous to sleep. At 5 am I got picked up by Wendy (the church volunteer who is driving me). We stopped to pick up my mom, then headed over to St. Joseph's for 6:00 am.
When you arrive they assign you a stretcher (they are all lined up against the wall), and start an IV on you. You wait there until they are ready, then the porters take you down to a different floor (not sure the name..?), where there is a row of bays (just little stations) separated by curtains. I was put in the first one this time, because I was new and they didn't know how I would take to it.
They put electrodes all over your body, to monitor your seizure activity. Then they rub your forehead down with alcohol, to prep for the pads to be put on your temples. Everything is hooked up to the machine, the pads are placed on your temples, and the anesthetist injects something that really burns into your IV (I think it was the muscle relaxant?). After that, I fell asleep.
I woke up, thinking that I had somehow "missed" my treatment. There was no way it was over. I felt as though I had just closed my eyes for a single moment, but yet 10 minutes had passed. It was a very strange feelings, very surreal. My mom was standing there and told me what had happened. She told me that I had seizured for 2 minutes, which was very good in terms of ECT. Everything went off without a hitch, and I responded very well.
The first thing I noticed physically when I woke up was how much my jaw hurt - it felt as though I had clenched it for 12 hours straight and finally released. Quite painful. Other than that I did not have any other physical symptoms...no fatigue, no headache, nothing. I also had very little memory loss - I had a hard time remembering what took place yesterday, but once I thought hard enough about it, it all came back. I was shocked (pun intended) at how "normal" I felt afterwards, but also a little discouraged. In my books, if you don't feel any side effects from the treatments, than it must not be working. I know this isn't true, but I can't seem to believe in anything else. Any encouragement in this area would be appreciated!
So there it is...ECT in a nutshell. Overall I feel like it was a successful first go-round, and I look forward to some real results over the next 6 weeks. They say that it takes about 6 treatments (so, 3 weeks) to notice any changes. So I'm trying to hold onto that ray of hope...that just because I wasn't miraculously healed today, that it won't not work for me in a few weeks from now.
So what else is going on in my life? Well, considering the fact that I love to live in chaos (according to my counselor), I have entered into a new venture. I am taking a SugarBrig sugaring course this weekend...then offering free sugaring for the month of December to practice, and opening my own sugaring business in January. I know the timing isn't perfect, but this was my last chance to get in before Christmas, and this is something that I really wanted to do in the New Year. I have named my company BARE by Braun, and I truly hope that this will be a successful thing for me to enjoy. I plan on running everything out of my house to make things comfortable to both myself and the clients. If you are reading this and I haven't already invited you to my free sugaring event, please email me or comment and I would be happy to have you in for some free sugaring! :)
There you have it, the synopsis of Amanda Braun. I will continue to update my blog as the treatments progress, to keep everyone informed. I appreciated every single comment and word of encouragement, so please do keep those coming! I never get sick of them! Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you continue on this journey with me.
I woke up at 4:30 am...yikes. Didn't get much sleep last night - I'm not allowed to take my sleeping pill because of ECT, and I was too nervous to sleep. At 5 am I got picked up by Wendy (the church volunteer who is driving me). We stopped to pick up my mom, then headed over to St. Joseph's for 6:00 am.
When you arrive they assign you a stretcher (they are all lined up against the wall), and start an IV on you. You wait there until they are ready, then the porters take you down to a different floor (not sure the name..?), where there is a row of bays (just little stations) separated by curtains. I was put in the first one this time, because I was new and they didn't know how I would take to it.
They put electrodes all over your body, to monitor your seizure activity. Then they rub your forehead down with alcohol, to prep for the pads to be put on your temples. Everything is hooked up to the machine, the pads are placed on your temples, and the anesthetist injects something that really burns into your IV (I think it was the muscle relaxant?). After that, I fell asleep.
I woke up, thinking that I had somehow "missed" my treatment. There was no way it was over. I felt as though I had just closed my eyes for a single moment, but yet 10 minutes had passed. It was a very strange feelings, very surreal. My mom was standing there and told me what had happened. She told me that I had seizured for 2 minutes, which was very good in terms of ECT. Everything went off without a hitch, and I responded very well.
The first thing I noticed physically when I woke up was how much my jaw hurt - it felt as though I had clenched it for 12 hours straight and finally released. Quite painful. Other than that I did not have any other physical symptoms...no fatigue, no headache, nothing. I also had very little memory loss - I had a hard time remembering what took place yesterday, but once I thought hard enough about it, it all came back. I was shocked (pun intended) at how "normal" I felt afterwards, but also a little discouraged. In my books, if you don't feel any side effects from the treatments, than it must not be working. I know this isn't true, but I can't seem to believe in anything else. Any encouragement in this area would be appreciated!
So there it is...ECT in a nutshell. Overall I feel like it was a successful first go-round, and I look forward to some real results over the next 6 weeks. They say that it takes about 6 treatments (so, 3 weeks) to notice any changes. So I'm trying to hold onto that ray of hope...that just because I wasn't miraculously healed today, that it won't not work for me in a few weeks from now.
So what else is going on in my life? Well, considering the fact that I love to live in chaos (according to my counselor), I have entered into a new venture. I am taking a SugarBrig sugaring course this weekend...then offering free sugaring for the month of December to practice, and opening my own sugaring business in January. I know the timing isn't perfect, but this was my last chance to get in before Christmas, and this is something that I really wanted to do in the New Year. I have named my company BARE by Braun, and I truly hope that this will be a successful thing for me to enjoy. I plan on running everything out of my house to make things comfortable to both myself and the clients. If you are reading this and I haven't already invited you to my free sugaring event, please email me or comment and I would be happy to have you in for some free sugaring! :)
There you have it, the synopsis of Amanda Braun. I will continue to update my blog as the treatments progress, to keep everyone informed. I appreciated every single comment and word of encouragement, so please do keep those coming! I never get sick of them! Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you continue on this journey with me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Okay God, I'm Listening
It never ceases to amaze me how chaos seems to seek me out. My life is never stable for very long. The last few days have been a prime example of that. Most of you know (if not all of you), that I started a new job as a Rec Therapist about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I had mentioned to my co-worker that I was going to be going in for a pre-operative assessment for ECT, and that I may be going through with the treatments. She told me that my secret was safe with her. Two days later I get a call from my manager stating that there have been some "ethical issues" raised and that she needed to discuss them with me. I sat on the phone and listened in shock as she talked about my receiving ECT and my depressive symptoms and how they could affect my job. She asked numerous times if I felt as though I could manage working right now. I will still in shock, and super embarrassed.
So I hang up with my boss, with the agreement that I would call Occupational Health, and just as I hung up the phone it rang. It was the Occ. Health Nurse calling to follow up with some "ethical concerns". Again I listen in horror as she describes my depression to me (as if I didn't already KNOW), and how this would affect my job. She stated that I needed a physician to sign off that I am mentally capable of doing my job.
I got off the phone and it hit me; I was going to have to give up my job. I cried and cried- out of fear, embarrassment, shock, dislike, etc. I was devastated. I said to myself, "Okay God, I'm listening". I felt that I was being told something that was not getting through to my brain. Here I am, trying and trying so desperately to move on with my life, while God is sitting back and gently saying "slow down, we aren't there yet". Now I can hear His voice in my mind, and I'm promising to listen this time around. So with that, I had peace...and I quit my job.
Part of quitting involved a huge financial component - we needed that money. I had applied for CPP Disability a few months ago, but was unsure as to whether or not I would even receive the benefit. And I thought, with my luck, I would get denied anyways. After waiting and waiting, I finally got a call back this afternoon (right after I quit my job), and the lady stated that I had in fact been approved to receive benefits. Praise God for this mercy, that we so desperately needed. I sent up a "thank-you" prayer immediately! My payments might be delayed, meaning we might struggle a little, but at least I know they are coming.
Another thing that was swirling around in my mind was "how am I going to get to ECT"? I'm not allowed to drive, and I have treatments scheduled twice a week, starting at 6:30 am, so who in their right mind would want to take me? Greg would take me but we can't afford for him to take so much time off of work. I was just sort of "winging it", hoping that rides would fall into place. Well I received a message from my pastor today saying that there was a woman who was interested in driving me every Tuesday for the course of my treatment. I was SO excited. I emailed her back expressing my gratitude, and doesn't she email me again and says that she will drive for my ENTIRE course of treatments - twice a week for 6 weeks. I was floored. This is such a huge commitment, but she felt that it was important for me to have a familiar face during these traumatic treatments. I am so blessed with this person, and I thank God for her willingness to help me out in this time of need.
So there it is - a sum of events that leads me to one conclusion; someone is looking out for me, and there IS a plan for my life. I am not nearly as hopeless as I believed myself to be. Maybe this treatment could save my life. I have renewed faith in God and His plans, and have vowed to listen to Him from now on. Only He knows what I truly need to get better. I wanted to write this post to encourage others that good things DO happen, even in the midst of such a horrible time. There are little blessings each and every day, we just have pay attention to them.
So I hang up with my boss, with the agreement that I would call Occupational Health, and just as I hung up the phone it rang. It was the Occ. Health Nurse calling to follow up with some "ethical concerns". Again I listen in horror as she describes my depression to me (as if I didn't already KNOW), and how this would affect my job. She stated that I needed a physician to sign off that I am mentally capable of doing my job.
I got off the phone and it hit me; I was going to have to give up my job. I cried and cried- out of fear, embarrassment, shock, dislike, etc. I was devastated. I said to myself, "Okay God, I'm listening". I felt that I was being told something that was not getting through to my brain. Here I am, trying and trying so desperately to move on with my life, while God is sitting back and gently saying "slow down, we aren't there yet". Now I can hear His voice in my mind, and I'm promising to listen this time around. So with that, I had peace...and I quit my job.
Part of quitting involved a huge financial component - we needed that money. I had applied for CPP Disability a few months ago, but was unsure as to whether or not I would even receive the benefit. And I thought, with my luck, I would get denied anyways. After waiting and waiting, I finally got a call back this afternoon (right after I quit my job), and the lady stated that I had in fact been approved to receive benefits. Praise God for this mercy, that we so desperately needed. I sent up a "thank-you" prayer immediately! My payments might be delayed, meaning we might struggle a little, but at least I know they are coming.
Another thing that was swirling around in my mind was "how am I going to get to ECT"? I'm not allowed to drive, and I have treatments scheduled twice a week, starting at 6:30 am, so who in their right mind would want to take me? Greg would take me but we can't afford for him to take so much time off of work. I was just sort of "winging it", hoping that rides would fall into place. Well I received a message from my pastor today saying that there was a woman who was interested in driving me every Tuesday for the course of my treatment. I was SO excited. I emailed her back expressing my gratitude, and doesn't she email me again and says that she will drive for my ENTIRE course of treatments - twice a week for 6 weeks. I was floored. This is such a huge commitment, but she felt that it was important for me to have a familiar face during these traumatic treatments. I am so blessed with this person, and I thank God for her willingness to help me out in this time of need.
So there it is - a sum of events that leads me to one conclusion; someone is looking out for me, and there IS a plan for my life. I am not nearly as hopeless as I believed myself to be. Maybe this treatment could save my life. I have renewed faith in God and His plans, and have vowed to listen to Him from now on. Only He knows what I truly need to get better. I wanted to write this post to encourage others that good things DO happen, even in the midst of such a horrible time. There are little blessings each and every day, we just have pay attention to them.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Let's Be Honest
Today I went to Hamilton to have my assessments done - memory, depression scale, etc. I found that it was really eye-opening, and forced me to be honest with myself. I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory, and learned quite a few things.
First, my depression is still serious and acute. I still have suicidal thoughts even though they don't hold as much power as before. Deep down I still feel worthless and utterly hopeless that my situation will get better. I don't enjoy things like I used to, and I have thoughts of self-harm on occasion. These things shouldn't seem like a surprise, but they really were. I thought I was doing better. In reality, I'm able to better manage my symptoms, not make them disappear. Maybe this is somewhat of a reason to celebrate? I guess symptom management is better than succumbing to them.
I left feeling really down about myself...but also with a twinge of hope. The nurse told me she has seen miraculous recoveries with ECT. She has seen numerous numerous success stories, and knows that this treatment is both effective and safe. When she talked about that I found myself smiling, which she noticed. She said she hadn't seen a smile like that on my face the whole time she has been seeing me. I smiled because I truly felt as though this might "cure" me. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the ticket that I have been waiting for.
So now I live my life knowing that there might be a light at the end of the ECT tunnel. Maybe my experience will be a positive one, instead of negative like all of the things I have been reading. Maybe I WILL feel better. I still feel down, and am still suffering everyday from the effects of depression, but now I live with a sense of hope, a sense of purpose. If I can just make it to next Tuesday...maybe I will feel better. If I can just make it through a few treatments, maybe I will say goodbye to my depression, something that has been living with me for far too long.
Today I'm feeling encouraged that these thoughts that are plaguing me may soon go away. The thoughts of wanting to cut my arm might disappear. The thoughts of hurting Adelyn will be a distant memory. One can only hope. That is all I have left. I am hanging on to this ECT like a cat to a tree; dangling precariously over a deep ravine.
I appreciate all of your comments, and emails, they mean so much. Please continue to follow my journey through ECT, which starts November 8th. I would LOVE to be a success story that you can tell your friends and family about.
First, my depression is still serious and acute. I still have suicidal thoughts even though they don't hold as much power as before. Deep down I still feel worthless and utterly hopeless that my situation will get better. I don't enjoy things like I used to, and I have thoughts of self-harm on occasion. These things shouldn't seem like a surprise, but they really were. I thought I was doing better. In reality, I'm able to better manage my symptoms, not make them disappear. Maybe this is somewhat of a reason to celebrate? I guess symptom management is better than succumbing to them.
I left feeling really down about myself...but also with a twinge of hope. The nurse told me she has seen miraculous recoveries with ECT. She has seen numerous numerous success stories, and knows that this treatment is both effective and safe. When she talked about that I found myself smiling, which she noticed. She said she hadn't seen a smile like that on my face the whole time she has been seeing me. I smiled because I truly felt as though this might "cure" me. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the ticket that I have been waiting for.
So now I live my life knowing that there might be a light at the end of the ECT tunnel. Maybe my experience will be a positive one, instead of negative like all of the things I have been reading. Maybe I WILL feel better. I still feel down, and am still suffering everyday from the effects of depression, but now I live with a sense of hope, a sense of purpose. If I can just make it to next Tuesday...maybe I will feel better. If I can just make it through a few treatments, maybe I will say goodbye to my depression, something that has been living with me for far too long.
Today I'm feeling encouraged that these thoughts that are plaguing me may soon go away. The thoughts of wanting to cut my arm might disappear. The thoughts of hurting Adelyn will be a distant memory. One can only hope. That is all I have left. I am hanging on to this ECT like a cat to a tree; dangling precariously over a deep ravine.
I appreciate all of your comments, and emails, they mean so much. Please continue to follow my journey through ECT, which starts November 8th. I would LOVE to be a success story that you can tell your friends and family about.
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