Okay God, I'm Listening

It never ceases to amaze me how chaos seems to seek me out. My life is never stable for very long. The last few days have been a prime example of that. Most of you know (if not all of you), that I started a new job as a Rec Therapist about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I had mentioned to my co-worker that I was going to be going in for a pre-operative assessment for ECT, and that I may be going through with the treatments. She told me that my secret was safe with her. Two days later I get a call from my manager stating that there have been some "ethical issues" raised and that she needed to discuss them with me. I sat on the phone and listened in shock as she talked about my receiving ECT and my depressive symptoms and how they could affect my job. She asked numerous times if I felt as though I could manage working right now. I will still in shock, and super embarrassed.

So I hang up with my boss, with the agreement that I would call Occupational Health, and just as I hung up the phone it rang. It was the Occ. Health Nurse calling to follow up with some "ethical concerns". Again I listen in horror as she describes my depression to me (as if I didn't already KNOW), and how this would affect my job. She stated that I needed a physician to sign off that I am mentally capable of doing my job.

I got off the phone and it hit me; I was going to have to give up my job. I cried and cried- out of fear, embarrassment, shock, dislike, etc. I was devastated. I said to myself, "Okay God, I'm listening". I felt that I was being told something that was not getting through to my brain. Here I am, trying and trying so desperately to move on with my life, while God is sitting back and gently saying "slow down, we aren't there yet". Now I can hear His voice in my mind, and I'm promising to listen this time around. So with that, I had peace...and I quit my job.

Part of quitting involved a huge financial component - we needed that money. I had applied for CPP Disability a few months ago, but was unsure as to whether or not I would even receive the benefit. And I thought, with my luck, I would get denied anyways. After waiting and waiting, I finally got a call back this afternoon (right after I quit my job), and the lady stated that I had in fact been approved to receive benefits. Praise God for this mercy, that we so desperately needed. I sent up a "thank-you" prayer immediately! My payments might be delayed, meaning we might struggle a little, but at least I know they are coming.

Another thing that was swirling around in my mind was "how am I going to get to ECT"? I'm not allowed to drive, and I have treatments scheduled twice a week, starting at 6:30 am, so who in their right mind would want to take me? Greg would take me but we can't afford for him to take so much time off of work. I was just sort of "winging it", hoping that rides would fall into place. Well I received a message from my pastor today saying that there was a woman who was interested in driving me every Tuesday for the course of my treatment. I was SO excited. I emailed her back expressing my gratitude, and doesn't she email me again and says that she will drive for my ENTIRE course of treatments - twice a week for 6 weeks. I was floored. This is such a huge commitment, but she felt that it was important for me to have a familiar face during these traumatic treatments. I am so blessed with this person, and I thank God for her willingness to help me out in this time of need.

So there it is - a sum of events that leads me to one conclusion; someone is looking out for me, and there IS a plan for my life. I am not nearly as hopeless as I believed myself to be. Maybe this treatment could save my life. I have renewed faith in God and His plans, and have vowed to listen to Him from now on. Only He knows what I truly need to get better. I wanted to write this post to encourage others that good things DO happen, even in the midst of such a horrible time. There are little blessings each and every day, we just have pay attention to them.