Rock Bottom...?

I think I've hit it.I think I've hit rock bottom. There is no where to go from here. Adelyn has been taken from our home and I have been deemed unfit to take care of her. I knew this was coming...I knew when this illness started that this was coming, I just didn't know when.

I want to try and bring everyone up to speed, while also respecting Greg's wishes for me not to share all of our personal information on the internet. I will try to walk that fine line in this post. I should also say that, because of the ECT, my recollection of events is poor to say the least, so bare with me.

I don't even know where to start- I guess I will just start typing and hope that something makes some sense. Things have been going downhill for quite some time;I have been in and out of the Emergency Room, on and off my medications. I have even resorted to such drastic treatments as ECT. Nothing has helped this far and things have just escalated with Adelyn and my feelings. Now the most recent development is that Adelyn is not allowed in our home for AT LEAST 30 days, probably much longer. I am not allowed to see her unless there are TWO other adults in the room. That's right, not one but TWO. I think that is a bit extreme. They really feel as though I am capable of killing her. I made it quite clear in the meeting with FACS, that if anyone was going to die, it was going to be me.

So here I sit, alone, while Adelyn is at my in-laws with Brittany. Not exactly how I would have planned the first 18 months of Adelyn's life. I miss her, but yet I don't at the same time. There is so much pain there, that without her around, I have a break from it for a while. It's a double-edged sword for sure.

I can't help but believe that this world would be so much better off without me. I have never felt so close to killing myself as I have in these past days. I just feel like I've reached the end of the line; there is no where to go from here. ECT isn't working...medications has failed me...therapy does nothing....I really have nothing left. The only thing that is keeping me going is Greg and Adelyn. I don't want to leave them without a wife and mother. That would be incredibly selfish of me. Although I have thoughts of harming her, I love Adelyn deeply and I only want the best for her in her life. And that includes having a mother figure.

I find myself turning to God right now, and asking why. Why Lord have you made me suffer for this long? Why, Lord, have you put my family through this hardship? Maybe I will never know the answers-and that has to be okay with me. I know God knows what He's doing, even though it may not make perfect sense to me right now. I just pray that he will continue to hold me up and keep me alive to see my daughter grow up. A happy, healthy Adelyn, that's all I want. Please Lord, please allow me to be there for her.

As an aside, my treatments have been going all right - I have felt no improvement and I've had 6 treatments in total. I was told that if you don't feel anything by 6, usually you don't. But today the doctor told me that I have to stay the course, and that some people dramatically improve in the last few weeks. All I can do is hope and pray that he is right.

Thank-you to all of you who continue to hold me up in prayer, and to express your concern. I appreciate it more than you know. To have a community behind you when you're facing such a terrible struggle is invaluable. I know I wouldn't have the strength to continue if it weren't for your prayers and support. Please continue to ask questions, I am always happy to answer (because I believe it will help others along the way). God bless you all.