Hitting a New Low

I have to be careful what I say here...so please forgive me if I seem vague in some areas. Family and Children's Services have been tracking my Facebook account, and have been reading my status updates pertaining to Adelyn and this whole case. I am writing this blog entry to clear up some confusion about what has happened, and also to say that (upon the request of my husband) I will no longer be sharing pertinent details of my case on the internet. I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I hope that I will continue to have you as readers, regardless of the absence of very personal life details.

First of all, my treatments have been going well - however, I have seen no change except for the memory loss (which is pretty severe).I cannot remember what I said 10 minutes ago, let alone information regarding life details like passwords, etc, etc. I usually have a KILLER headache when I get out of treatment, and this lasts about an hour afterwards. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and told him that I have seen little to no improvement in my depressive symptoms. He said we will give it one more week (so, two more treatments) before we would jump to any conclusions. So I'm just praying with all my might that these next two treatments will be the ticket, or else all this memory loss will be in vain.

As for everything else that is going on in my life...it is a big mess. I have to be careful what details I share because it has been brought to my attention that FACS has been tracking my Facebook, and potentially this blog. I have promised Greg that I would no longer share personal details on here, in order to protect our family (even though this blog is now private). I will try to bring you up to speed as much as possible.

To make a long story short, Adelyn has been removed from our home. She is no longer allowed to stay with me, even with one other person present. There has to be two adults to supervise me with her. This came as a complete shock - and was a result of our case file being "reviewed" whatever that means. A FACS worker just showed up here and said that Adelyn needed to be removed and she wasn't leaving until that happened. Again, long story short, Adelyn ended up at my neighbour's house. We are so very blessed and thankful for such wonderful neighbours...ones that have essentially saved our behinds and have allowed us to continue to be a part of our daughter's life.

My nanny, Brittany, is continuing to stay with Adelyn over at Kelly's, so that Kelly can continue living her normal daily life without worrying about Adelyn's care. The downfall to that is that I cannot be over there unless there is another person (besides Brittany) there. Apparently I am super dangerous, can't ya tell?? This whole thing seems bizarre to me,but I have to follow orders or else this could all get a lot worse.

Like I said though, I have to respect Greg's wishes and no longer talk about what is going on with Adelyn. I will try to update as much as I am allowed to, but please forgive me for the information gaps(which there will definitely be). For now, Adelyn is staying at my neighbour's for an extended period of time, but we hope to have her home soon. We will do whatever it takes to get her back and to prevent this from going any further than it has.

So, how am I feeling you might ask? I am in shock that all this has happened to ME...I didn't sign up for this when I got pregnant - who does? I have a hard time believing that this is my life right now...I have had my daughter removed from my own home because I am so "dangerous". I don't think anyone would have pegged me as such. If anything, I'm a danger to myself...but not to Adelyn or anyone else. I am discouraged about my ECT, and I feel like it is not going to work. NOTHING is going to work! Here I am, 18 months after giving birth, and I still cannot even care for my own child. What a crock. As I write this I'm just getting more and more pissed off that this is my life.

As I said above, it has been requested that I leave out pertinent details of my case so that they cannot be tracked back to me. I hope that everyone understands my situation (or can at least try). I am free to discuss any of this over instant messaging/Facebook/email, so please don't hesitate to contact me via these sources. If this blog has given me anything it is a sense of overwhelming support, and the thought of losing that makes me incredibly sad. Please send emails to: amanda_braun1@yahoo.ca

Now, one positive things HAS happened amongst all this turmoil and I would like to highlight that now. I know this seems like this doesn't have a place in this post, but I would like to bring attention to my new business; something that is giving me purpose and drive to succeed. I have created a new business called "BARE by Braun", and it is a body sugaring business that I am running out of my home. I have a whole area set up with a table/products/etc in my bedroom (I have a HUGE bedroom). Amidst everything this has been a shining star in my life - I am so excited to start out (first real customer today), and to build this business from the ground up. If you live in the area please consider giving me a try - the rest of November and December are FREE as I build my clientele, so please shoot me an email if you haven't already booked your free appointment! Thanks everyone for letting me share some positive information on my blog, and I hope that as the weeks go by, I will have more and more positive things to say.

Thank-you to EVERYONE for reading...your support has been overwhelming. Please please please continue to get in contact with me via email or Facebook...I need this contact with the "outside world" and to know that there are people out there that are rooting for me. It gives me strength to face my days. Truly.

Love you all.
Amanda