What is Love?

What does the love of a mother look like? What does it feel like? These are two questions that I could not have answered two weeks ago. But now, I am amazed that I am able to sit here and tell you what I have discovered about the love of a mother to her child, and fully absorb that I am talking about MYSELF - not some ideal that I am striving for.

I started to notice things slowly...like I wanted to be around Adelyn more, I wanted to get to Braun's every free second I had. I also started longing for her...staring at pictures and trying not to get upset. I started getting choked up at TV shows/commercials that showed parents and children. I almost find it hard to put into words the way that I love her now compared to a few weeks ago. I never pined for her before...I could take her or leave her. Don't get me wrong, I thought she was cute, but that was about it. Now the sight of her melts my heart - when she says "ya-ya" (which is I Love You), I am so happy I want to cry. When she looks at me with those pretty blue eyes all I want to do is get lost in them; spend all day in them. I want to be around her all the time - I want to absorb all this love that I've been missing for the past 18 months.

Am I afraid that this isn't the real deal? Most definitely. How do I know that this is going to last? I don't. I spoke to my doctor yesterday (the one from Hamilton) and he suggested to stop ECT because I was feeling better...but I asked for at least two more because I am afraid of going backwards. He agreed; so I have one Tuesday and Thursday next week. After that I will probably be doing maintenance treatments for a while.

I'm really excited for where I am right now, but also very afraid. This could all end in a minute - my love could wane again and I could be left depressed and with nothing. That really scares the crap out of me. I guess I just have to believe that this time God will protect me from this evil that has tried to overcome me, and that He will allow me to continue to get better and better; for my family's sake.

It is very hard to describe the new love that I feel in my heart- but if you've ever loved someone unconditionally, you know what I'm talking about. If you are lucky enough to have this love, please, don't waste it; don't take it for granted. It could all be gone in a minute. I know the joy of having lost all emotion only to get it back tenfold, but I would hate to see someone who already has this joy to lose it without knowing. Love is a gift from God, cherish it.