Therapy of Another Kind

Everything has therapeutic value. Everything. Especially when you're faced with a situation where your whole life has been turned upside down and you have to take everything you can get. A recreation therapist by trade, you would think that I would have stumbled across this truth sooner. You think I would have realized how important leisure was in order to get better. That just goes to show how undervalued leisure pursuits are - especially since a rec. therapist didn't even buy into their value.

I am ashamed to admit that I fell into this trap of thinking that recreation was unimportant in my recovery. I received a good slap in the face by that truth this weekend. Having been an avid rider in my younger years, I really yearn for that connection between horse and rider. I had taken two years off of riding because I had gotten pregnant, then everything else happened after I had Adelyn. I missed riding but I knew that I couldn't afford it right now (it's not cheap!). I knew it could probably help me, but I just didn't know where to find the money.

I think people started to realize that I was not getting better on my own. Medications weren't working...therapy wasn't working...shock treatments were not working. It was time to get creative. That's when I was offered the amazing opportunity to ride at the barn where I was before I had Adelyn. I was told that I didn't have to pay - I could ride, no string attached. I can't even tell you how happy this made me. I felt like this was the ticket to getting better and I had just been given a new lease on life. Well I went out this weekend to ride, and it was amazing. The therapeutic value of being on horseback cannot be described. There is just something between horse and rider that is a spiritual connection that cannot be recreated any other way. I was on a high.

After my ride I knew that something was different. Something had changed in me. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I felt connected to something that I had missed for two years. I felt like I had returned to my niche. I can't even being to thank Chrissy Bertrand for allowing me this amazing opportunity to find myself again. I feel like I do not deserve this AT ALL, and have to learn to get over this guilt that I feel over taking her up on her offer. I believe that riding might be my ticket- not medication, not shock treatments, not talk therapy. But horses. Could it be?

Although I can barely walk this morning from the muscle soreness, I find myself thinking about when the next time I can go to the barn is. My medicine is in that blue building off of Brady Street. I feel like I have a new lease on life; one that actually shows promise of change and promise of reform. Maybe I could actually feel better..? Maybe I can actually BE a parent to my daughter..?

Which brings me to the point in the post where I should update everyone as to what is going on. FACS has still taken charge of Adelyn and she is not allowed in our presence unless there are two adults around. She has spent the weekend with my mom and sister; the pictures of her weekend just melt my heart. I'm finding myself missing her, which I never did before. I'm finding my heart aching for her, which I have never felt before. Is it because she has been taken from me? Is it because something inside me is changing?

I find myself getting excited for Christmas; for buying Adelyn gifts and having her open them on Christmas morning. This is the FIRST time that I have seem Adelyn as a little PERSON, not just a baby that needs to be taken care of. It's hard to describe, but it's such a huge shift in how I view her, and view my role in taking care of her. I see her as a a real person that has feelings and desires; a real person that has the capacity to truly enjoy the holidays and everything that comes with it. I'm finding myself being able to see Christmas through the eyes of a child.

So here I sit; alone, by my Christmas tree. I miss my daughter and I wish that I was spending time with her right now. I have to have faith that somehow, God will allow her to be returned to us. I have to believe that God will have mercy on our family and allow us to experience the joy of being together this holiday season and for the months and years to come. I have suffered enough...it is time to get over this.

Thank-you again to all of you for reading, and for your support...I know I say it all the time, but I truly want you all to know how thankful I am. Without the moral support of all of you, I may not still be here. There have been many times where I wanted to end my life (and have come dangerously close), but I stopped because I realized how many people were rooting for me and wanted me to get better. I feel lifted up by all of you - you are carrying me through. Please know how much I appreciate every single kind word/email/FB post.

-Amanda