Today was my 7th electric shock treatment...and I thought I would take this opportunity (if even for myself) to do some comparisons between when I started, until now.
For the first 5 treatments, I was convinced that this wouldn't work (because I never felt anything afterwards). The nurses and doctors kept telling me to hang in there, that I needed to give it time. Well, the last thing you want to do is wait when you have a depression as severe as mine. I felt like each second that ticked by was one second closer to my suicide. I couldn't live like that anymore.
Then something happened. I felt joy in my chest. I laughed. I felt all around "lighter". It wasn't black and white, but there was definitely a change in me that I noticed. This happened approx after my 6th treatment. I showed up to get my treatment this morning, and the nurse looked at me right away and said "Are you feeling better?", with a smile on her face. She knew right away. I asked if it was that obvious and she said yes, she sees this all the time. I was SO excited that she noticed something changed in me, what an amazing moment for me. I asked her if she knew this would happen and she just shook her head "yes" and gave a little-knowing-laugh.
I can't describe the feeling of optimism I have now- I'm excited to get up to go to each treatment because I feel a renewed sense of hope that this might actually work out for me.
I can't tell you how happy this post (and the last one) makes me. I knew something was going to give eventually and I hope this is the change you need in your life. I sincerely hope you get progressively better and better. You are so strong for hanging in this long, and I know you will find the strength to fight through this last push. I know you will be well again. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I read this with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart!! I am SO proud of you!
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