Just checking in since my last post, I'm sure some of you have been wondering how I have been doing. In a word, I've been great. I have my moments, but overall I feel like a normal, healthy, human being. It's an amazing and wonderful change. I have no one to thank but God, and I am making it my mission to spread the awe-inspiring work that He has done in my life.
Now, I may lose some readers because of the focus of my posts, and that's okay with me. Mainly, I want to use this blog to track my progress and the glorify the name of God through what I share. I believe I have a message to give to others, and maybe, just maybe, it will touch someone's heart. One can only hope anyways.
The most significant change in my life has been the ability to reduce some of my medications - which I had tried previously and failed. I have completely stopped Seroquel (anti-psychotic) and Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) with minimal to zero side effects. I have also reduced my other anti-psychotic by half. I am now (only) taking an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and an antipsychotic. Take this information for what it's worth, but I know that it means that God is working powerfully in my life, to allow me to reduce as much as I have with no side effects. I have not yet told my doctor, but I'm praying that she will take the news with an open mind and not be too upset with me. Yes, I know I should have done with this the doctor's blessing...I do realize that, however, I'm following God's lead and this is what I've been directed to do and I know that it will be fine. I'm not stupid, I'm not stopping all my meds, but I was on so much that it was overkill and everyone knew it (except my doctor apparently).
The one thing I have really been struggling with, is finding a direction in my life. God told me that reflexology and the sugaring were not right at this moment in time and now I feel a little lost. I am doing my recreation therapy and that seems to be going well. That brings me to being able to share another answer to prayer; I quit sugaring and reflexology on a Wednesday, and I was terrified about the financial loss that this would equate to. Then, on Thursday I got a call for a job that I didn't even apply for...! It was 8 hours per week and I was pretty much offered the job right away, I never even had a formal interview. This job is recreation and they pay very well. It makes up what I lost, and then some. Coincidence? I don't think so.
So now what am I going to do? I am going to try and be the best mother and wife that I can be, and to work diligently at the tasks that have been given to me. At the same time, I feel a very strong calling to complete an education in Christian Counseling, to give back to others and to make a purpose for my suffering. I really want to start a counseling ministry when the time is right. I have qualified to take a Masters in Christian Counseling, but now I just need th money. I'm praying that God will provide this for me, if it is really what He wants me to do. Now I just wait and hope that I'm hearing His voice loud and clear, and not my own.
I want to thank all of you for reading and for your on-going support. I am honoured to have all of you in my life. I could not have gotten through what I have gotten through if it weren't for all of you and your prayers and words of encouragement. I thank-you for that whole-heartedly.
Please continue to pray that God will provide a way for me to take this education, or that He will show me another way. Thanks again.
Amanda
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
A Renewed Faith
Sorry all, I haven't written in a while. I've been going through some changes and for some reason I didn't feel like blogging about it until now (don't ask me why?).
I was at an interesting point in my "recovery" - everyone thought I was doing better, and I was, relatively speaking. The ECT had worked for my depression for the most part, and I was just trying to deal with the intrusive thoughts of wanting to kill my own daughter (no small task as you can imagine). I was plagued with thoughts of wanting to cut myself, to drown Adelyn, anything morbid you can think of, would go through my head. It was terrible. All the while people still thinking I'm getting "better" because on the outside I looked "brighter" as some would say.
I was on a road that I didn't know where I was going...I wasn't quite going backwards and I wasn't quite going forwards. I was stuck. Stuck in some sort of wicked limbo. We had our Family Group Conference coming up and I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be. *Side note: the Family Group Conference was ordered by FACS in order to come up with a safety plan for Adelyn, a whole host of people were invited...it was a day long event, very mentally exhausting.
Amongst all this I met with Sue, my mental health counsellor. She asked me "have you ever heard of Singing Waters?" I hadn't. She told me that one of her other clients went there and felt like she had "200lbs lifted off her shoulders". I was immediately intrigued and I Googled it. Singing Waters is a Christian retreat center, focused on helping hurting individuals find healing. I knew this is where I needed to go.
I sent a letter to the coordinator asking for permission to join their "healing weekend", and I got a response right away saying there was one that weekend. I jumped at the chance, and even Greg was willing to go (that was impressive...I didn't think he would be up for it). So off we went.
I can't quite describe to you how amazing this weekend was. It would take me paragraph after paragraph to tell you how God worked in both of our lives in those two days. It was awe-inspiring, I don't know what else to say except for that. On the last day, we were singing "How Great is Our God" and all of a sudden, the floodgates opened and I was bawling my eyes out. Why? Because God told me He was going to heal me. I heard it loud and clear - in my head and in my heart. I knew it was real. I was going to be healed. I didn't know if it was going to be that day, that year, or that decade, but I knew I was going to get better. God is so good.
Fast forward to now and I've had an amazing two weeks since that weekend. I am spending so much more time in the Word and in prayer. Each time I have a nasty thought I talk to God about it and He gets rid of it. In Job it says "I will rescue you again, and again, so that NO EVIL can touch you" (emphasis added). I repeat this verse to myself umpteenth times per day, and it helps more than you can imagine. What is happening to me is evil, there is no doubt about that. All my thoughts are not of myself...I would NEVER think those things. So where else would they come from? Common sense says if it's not good, it's not God, so what is left? You're starting to get the picture.
Was I healed that weekend? I don't know. Only time will tell. Do I believe God is going to heal me? Without a doubt. I wait in faith for Him to act, whenever that may be. It is all in His time. All I know is that I've been doing amazingly well considering all that I've dealt with in the past two years. I'm reducing some of my medication because I have faith that God can carry me through...better and more effective than any pill on the market. No, I'm not totally ignorant, I'm not stopping all my pills...rather, I'm cutting some things down because I'm on such a huge cocktail and it's time.
So what's the moral of my story? I'm praying that each and every one of you who reads this will stop and think of your own relationship with God. Do YOU believe he can heal you of all your hurts? I know you have some. We all do. Do YOU carry Him with you everyday and lean on Him for your survival? If you don't, it is my hope and my prayer that you will. There is no love greater than the Father's, and you will never know anything better. I can promise you.
If you want to know more about my encounter with God that weekend I would be happy to share that with you, just send me an email. I will leave you with the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a HOPE and a future." (emphasis added).
I was at an interesting point in my "recovery" - everyone thought I was doing better, and I was, relatively speaking. The ECT had worked for my depression for the most part, and I was just trying to deal with the intrusive thoughts of wanting to kill my own daughter (no small task as you can imagine). I was plagued with thoughts of wanting to cut myself, to drown Adelyn, anything morbid you can think of, would go through my head. It was terrible. All the while people still thinking I'm getting "better" because on the outside I looked "brighter" as some would say.
I was on a road that I didn't know where I was going...I wasn't quite going backwards and I wasn't quite going forwards. I was stuck. Stuck in some sort of wicked limbo. We had our Family Group Conference coming up and I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be. *Side note: the Family Group Conference was ordered by FACS in order to come up with a safety plan for Adelyn, a whole host of people were invited...it was a day long event, very mentally exhausting.
Amongst all this I met with Sue, my mental health counsellor. She asked me "have you ever heard of Singing Waters?" I hadn't. She told me that one of her other clients went there and felt like she had "200lbs lifted off her shoulders". I was immediately intrigued and I Googled it. Singing Waters is a Christian retreat center, focused on helping hurting individuals find healing. I knew this is where I needed to go.
I sent a letter to the coordinator asking for permission to join their "healing weekend", and I got a response right away saying there was one that weekend. I jumped at the chance, and even Greg was willing to go (that was impressive...I didn't think he would be up for it). So off we went.
I can't quite describe to you how amazing this weekend was. It would take me paragraph after paragraph to tell you how God worked in both of our lives in those two days. It was awe-inspiring, I don't know what else to say except for that. On the last day, we were singing "How Great is Our God" and all of a sudden, the floodgates opened and I was bawling my eyes out. Why? Because God told me He was going to heal me. I heard it loud and clear - in my head and in my heart. I knew it was real. I was going to be healed. I didn't know if it was going to be that day, that year, or that decade, but I knew I was going to get better. God is so good.
Fast forward to now and I've had an amazing two weeks since that weekend. I am spending so much more time in the Word and in prayer. Each time I have a nasty thought I talk to God about it and He gets rid of it. In Job it says "I will rescue you again, and again, so that NO EVIL can touch you" (emphasis added). I repeat this verse to myself umpteenth times per day, and it helps more than you can imagine. What is happening to me is evil, there is no doubt about that. All my thoughts are not of myself...I would NEVER think those things. So where else would they come from? Common sense says if it's not good, it's not God, so what is left? You're starting to get the picture.
Was I healed that weekend? I don't know. Only time will tell. Do I believe God is going to heal me? Without a doubt. I wait in faith for Him to act, whenever that may be. It is all in His time. All I know is that I've been doing amazingly well considering all that I've dealt with in the past two years. I'm reducing some of my medication because I have faith that God can carry me through...better and more effective than any pill on the market. No, I'm not totally ignorant, I'm not stopping all my pills...rather, I'm cutting some things down because I'm on such a huge cocktail and it's time.
So what's the moral of my story? I'm praying that each and every one of you who reads this will stop and think of your own relationship with God. Do YOU believe he can heal you of all your hurts? I know you have some. We all do. Do YOU carry Him with you everyday and lean on Him for your survival? If you don't, it is my hope and my prayer that you will. There is no love greater than the Father's, and you will never know anything better. I can promise you.
If you want to know more about my encounter with God that weekend I would be happy to share that with you, just send me an email. I will leave you with the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a HOPE and a future." (emphasis added).
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