A Renewed Faith

Sorry all, I haven't written in a while. I've been going through some changes and for some reason I didn't feel like blogging about it until now (don't ask me why?).

I was at an interesting point in my "recovery" - everyone thought I was doing better, and I was, relatively speaking. The ECT had worked for my depression for the most part, and I was just trying to deal with the intrusive thoughts of wanting to kill my own daughter (no small task as you can imagine). I was plagued with thoughts of wanting to cut myself, to drown Adelyn, anything morbid you can think of, would go through my head. It was terrible. All the while people still thinking I'm getting "better" because on the outside I looked "brighter" as some would say.

I was on a road that I didn't know where I was going...I wasn't quite going backwards and I wasn't quite going forwards. I was stuck. Stuck in some sort of wicked limbo. We had our Family Group Conference coming up and I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be. *Side note: the Family Group Conference was ordered by FACS in order to come up with a safety plan for Adelyn, a whole host of people were invited...it was a day long event, very mentally exhausting.

Amongst all this I met with Sue, my mental health counsellor. She asked me "have you ever heard of Singing Waters?" I hadn't. She told me that one of her other clients went there and felt like she had "200lbs lifted off her shoulders". I was immediately intrigued and I Googled it. Singing Waters is a Christian retreat center, focused on helping hurting individuals find healing. I knew this is where I needed to go.

I sent a letter to the coordinator asking for permission to join their "healing weekend", and I got a response right away saying there was one that weekend. I jumped at the chance, and even Greg was willing to go (that was impressive...I didn't think he would be up for it). So off we went.

I can't quite describe to you how amazing this weekend was. It would take me paragraph after paragraph to tell you how God worked in both of our lives in those two days. It was awe-inspiring, I don't know what else to say except for that. On the last day, we were singing "How Great is Our God" and all of a sudden, the floodgates opened and I was bawling my eyes out. Why? Because God told me He was going to heal me. I heard it loud and clear - in my head and in my heart. I knew it was real. I was going to be healed. I didn't know if it was going to be that day, that year, or that decade, but I knew I was going to get better. God is so good.

Fast forward to now and I've had an amazing two weeks since that weekend. I am spending so much more time in the Word and in prayer. Each time I have a nasty thought I talk to God about it and He gets rid of it. In Job it says "I will rescue you again, and again, so that NO EVIL can touch you" (emphasis added). I repeat this verse to myself umpteenth times per day, and it helps more than you can imagine. What is happening to me is evil, there is no doubt about that. All my thoughts are not of myself...I would NEVER think those things. So where else would they come from? Common sense says if it's not good, it's not God, so what is left? You're starting to get the picture.

Was I healed that weekend? I don't know. Only time will tell. Do I believe God is going to heal me? Without a doubt. I wait in faith for Him to act, whenever that may be. It is all in His time. All I know is that I've been doing amazingly well considering all that I've dealt with in the past two years. I'm reducing some of my medication because I have faith that God can carry me through...better and more effective than any pill on the market. No, I'm not totally ignorant, I'm not stopping all my pills...rather, I'm cutting some things down because I'm on such a huge cocktail and it's time.

So what's the moral of my story? I'm praying that each and every one of you who reads this will stop and think of your own relationship with God. Do YOU believe he can heal you of all your hurts? I know you have some. We all do. Do YOU carry Him with you everyday and lean on Him for your survival? If you don't, it is my hope and my prayer that you will. There is no love greater than the Father's, and you will never know anything better. I can promise you.

If you want to know more about my encounter with God that weekend I would be happy to share that with you, just send me an email. I will leave you with the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a HOPE and a future." (emphasis added).