I always comparing myself to other mothers. It's just something I can't help. I'm always wanting to know if I'm NORMAL, and the only way I know how to gauge that is if I compare to who I "think" is normal. Lately I've been feeling like how I feel about Adelyn is abnormal.
I don't think I love her like a mother should love a child. But then again, I don't know HOW a mother should love a child. I really don't. I feel like Adelyn is a neice or a sister....I LOVE her, but I don't think what I feel is a motherly love. What is motherly love?? For example, she has been gone for a few days with her nanny, and I find myself being able to breathe - to relax. Does that make me a bad mother? Does the fact that I am enjoying her absence make me a terrible person? I feel like it does.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be normal for once. I crave a feeling of normalcy - even something that resembles normalcy would be acceptable. How do you feel about your child? Do you ache for them when they are gone? Do you feel waves of love running over you when you look at them? Do you feel unending energy when it comes to doing things for them? I'm missing all of this. In my mind that equals = bad mother. So why bother trying to mother at all? If I'm going to fail at it, why bother in the first place?
I have unending questions and no answers. I don't even know who can answer them for me. I asked my psychiatrist why I felt this way, and all she could tell me was not to "label" my feelings just yet, that I don't even know WHAT I'm feeling half the time so I shouldn't put a name to it. That wasn't much of an answer...to be honest, I'm not even sure I know what it means. I just think she didn't know what to say to me - her being a mother she knows what SHE feels like towards her daughther and therefore she MUST know that what I'm feeling is not normal, but she doesn't want to say.
On a different note, I want to take a moment to talk about Mental Health Awareness Week - now is the time to speak out about your problems and know that you are NOT alone. Today is Bell's "Let's Talk" campaign - encouraging people to talk about their mental health issues and to know that what they are dealing with is normal, we are not freaks. It was very difficult for me, but I announced on Facebook that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This was very hard for me because I feel very ashamed about this diagnosis. Amazing how certain illnesses carry such a stigma - I'm fine with telling people I have depression, but BPD is another story. But yesterday, I decided that I shouldn't be ashamed and that I was going to speak out. So I did. And I feel good about it.
I could write a novel about everything that's been going on in my life in the last little while, but I will end this here. I know I should keep up more with my blog, and I will maker an effort to do so from here on out! Thank you all for your support and remember to SPEAK OUT against mental health stigma!!
Amanda, I pray for you Daily!! stay strong sister! its all going to work out!! you are SO SO SO loved!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it feels like to be a "normal" mother. I don't think any mother truly does. I think we all compare ourselves to other moms; compare our kids to other kids; compare our lives to other lives. What I do know is when I had two glorious nights away from Matthew I didn't really miss him. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed having time away from him. I thought about him only before bed when I called my mom to see how bedtime went. I don't know if I would feel differently if I were to spend more than two nights away from him, but for those two nights I was relieved I didn't have to cook with him whining and crying and wanting up. I was relieved I didn't have to constantly stop him from turning off the tv, hit his buddies, pull the cat's tail, or make a big mess. When I see him, I don't feel overwhelming love and joy, often I see annoyance. But when he snuggles me and gives me kisses, my heart swells. It's those moments where I feel like a mother. I hold onto the good moments so in the bad ones I don't feel so frustrated.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud to know you. I'm so proud you are speaking out and raising awareness. I'm so proud you are fighting for yourself and your family and this amazing cause. Mental illness has too much of a stigma. I know when I told my co-workers that I have SAD they didn't believe me. Mental illness is so understood. Just because you can walk around work without a frown on your face and can laugh at jokes, doesn't mean you're not suffering underneath.
I continue to pray for you. You are indeed so loved!