Here We Go Again

I didn't think it would happen. I thought we were past this. Adelyn has been taken from us again.

How on earth can this happen? Well, I will tell you. I opened my big mouth to the WRONG doctor, forgetting that they have an obligation to report. I had a bad day. A very bad day. I reduced my Seroquel (anti-psychotic) at the recommendation of my doctor. And my mind went screwy. I starting obsessing about cutting myself - all I wanted to do was get a knife from the kitchen and sit in the bathroom slicing my arms. But I knew what would happen...hospital. And I couldn't do that again.

Then the thoughts started about Adelyn. I imagined myself hurting her; I didn't WANT to hurt her, but the thoughts kept coming. All the ways it would happen. I wanted the thoughts to stop, and I thought if I would touch her, it would take away all the horrible images. I wanted to touch her with AFFECTION but what happened was that it triggered thoughts of strangling her. I placed my hand on the back of her neck, and BOOM, there it was. I removed my hand immediately; I knew I wouldn't and COULDN'T do anything to her.

I told my doctor that I laid hands on her. This translated into FACS saying I CHOKED her. Talk of my ABUSING her swirled. I panicked - what is happening here?! I didn't DO anything! It was just thoughts! Please someone explain this to them so that they understand!

And so came the call. You need to take her to your mother-in-law's, she's not allowed to be in your home. And here we go again. I had to call Greg and tell him his daughter was removed (again). I couldn't believe it. No one gets it - I didn't not abuse my daughter! I had ONE bad day THREE weeks ago...someone cut me a break!

So now we fight. I have to go this morning and fight my doctor to tell FACS that I didn't choke Adelyn. I need her to tell FACS that I'm no longer having these thoughts and that our home is safe for Adelyn to return to. I have to fight FACS this afternoon to get them to realize that Adelyn isn't any safer at my in-law's than she is in our own home. I need them to understand that I would NEVER do anything to hurt her, regardless of the thoughts that may cross my mind.

Your prayers for our meeting at 3pm are greatly appreciated. Please pray that I have the right words to make them understand. Please pray that they will have an open mind to what I have to say.

Thank-you for your support.