Fully Embracing my BPD

It is a diagnosis that I have been fighting against ever since this entire episode started. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Seriously? How could I have such an extreme disorder? There is no way I could EVER have this...I was never abused as a child. This is why I thought it just couldn't be true - I thought without abuse, BPD couldn't exist. It wasn't until TODAY that I finally said to myself...this is me. This entire diagnosis is ME.

So what is BPD? The DSM IV defines it as the following...

Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
*I know some of my friends know exactly what this means. My relationships can be stormy to say the least.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image of sense of self
*I'm constantly changing career plans, constantly trying to find some sense of self worth

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
*Without going into detail, I was extremely reckless as a teenager - behaviours that indicated right then and there that something was clearly wrong.
(5) recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
*I started "cutting" in highschool, and this has followed me up until my most recent hospitalizations

(6) affective instability = due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
*I have extreme periods of anxiety that are pretty much disabling - I can also be totally and fully excited about something at the exact same time.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
*I never know where I stand.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* This doesn't really describe me.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
*Wanting to give Adelyn up for adoption; thoughts that I wanted to hurt Adelyn

As if this wasn't enough, I found this definition of a "low functioning" borderline. And I thought I was "high functioning"...

Indicators of Low Functioning BPD
•
Cutting CHECK

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Hospitalization CHECK

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Improvement of Symptoms with Age NOT SURE YET

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Inability to Control Behaviors in Public CHECK

•
Acknowledgement by Friends and Neighbors that there is a Significant Problem CHECK

•
They More Often Accept the Diagnosis of BPD MORE CURRENTLY

•
Are More Often in Individual Therapy for their OWN Problems CHECK

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More Often Abusive to Strangers or Friends in Public"ABUSIVE" AS IN NASTY, THEN CHECK

•
Often are Homemakers or Have Some Difficulty in Maintaining a Career Even With a Good Education CHECK

•
Can’t "Keep it Together" in all Situations CHECK


It's like looking in a mirror. I know I didn't go into too much detail, but I have had a very stormy life characterized by periods of extreme instability, most markedly this recent depression. I don't really know what to think of this...how am I going to be labelled now? Are people going to be afraid of me? Will I lose respect?

Although I am very upfront about my depression, my BPD is something that I'm trying to keep between close friends (and private blog readers). I will not be posting anything other than blog titles on FB. I feel that this is something that needs to be addressed in private, for the sake of my family and friends. If you're reading this, I would ask that you wouldn't discuss it with anyone outside of my blog circle. Your discretion is appreciated.

So where do I go from here? Well, there are no meds for BPD. Only meds for the symptoms of BPD, such as the depression. I will continue on my myriad of meds for the depression, and will have to do a lot of self-discovery to address my BPD. I have enrolled in a support group that should be starting at the end of January. I hope that this group will allow me to see myself in other people, and to know that I'm not alone. I hope that I will discover things in my past that may have contributed to this. I hope that it will give me HOPE for the future, and a feeling that this might actually me manageable and that I don't have to continue living the way I'm living. A tall order, but I think it is achievable.