I rate my days everyday. From 1 to 10. And I tend to live in the realm of 7 to 8 - an inbetween land that ranges from rocky to smooth from complicated to carefree. I'm riding the roller coaster most days, riding from 7 to 7.5 to 8, then down. I never know where I'll end up until the end of the day when I officially put down my rating on paper.
Lately I've been really riding the wave of emotions - earlier this week I felt great, on top of the world. I remembered what it was like to feel joy. I remembered what it was like for life to feel easy. Oh how I wanted to stay there sooo bad. But, as I figured, I started the descent back down to 7. Now today I woke up thinking "I don't want to do what I have to today, I don't want to get out of bed". I hate that feeling, it's so depressing. Of course I managed to get out of bed, and I've been dealing with my day appropriately, however, it's hard when your heart is not in it.
Sometimes it really makes me angry - why can't I stay at an 8?? Why can't I just be HAPPY?! Heaven-forbid I actually feel capable and confident for more than one day at a time. But I guess that is the moral of the story - one day at a time. Take the 7's as they come, and enjoy the 8's when they show up. So easy to say, very hard to do. I'm grasping for 8's everyday.
I wish I knew why I have these fluctuations, and why somedays I wake up so blue. The past few days Adelyn has been cranky because she's sick, so I know that has something to do with my moods. My anxiety is under control (seemingly), it's just my mood that is very down when Adelyn is cranky. Adelyn spent at least 50% of her morning today crying so today is not off to a good start. I'm just trying to remind myself that she is sick and that it's not my fault. I tend to take the crying personally.
To add to the roller coaster, Chelsea only has one week (plus up north) left. I will only have the help at home for one.more.week. She has been here since February, so it's been a long time. I don't really know how I'll function without Chelsea, she has been so great for me and Adelyn alike. The only solace I have is knowing that Adelyn will be going to daycare three half-days per week...which only makes me feel better in one sense because I know I'll get a break, but it hurts me in another knowing that I have to take Adelyn out of the house and be away from her. At least when Chelsea is here I can be WITH Adelyn at the same time. Totally different set-up. But for right now I don't have a choice, so I will have to ride it out and pray that I'll be able to get, what I like to call, "full custody" of Adelyn one day.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Status: Denied
So I was denied my application for disability through my mortgage because I applied while I was on maternity leave (therefore not technically eligible). That sucks. Big time. We were sort of banking on me getting that and now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Some severe budgeting is in order I suspect. I still have my disability application into the government (CPP) but I won't find out about that for another 4 (yes you read that right) months. Way to help people when they need it. Sigh. Well at least I have a shot at that one, fingers crossed.
Right now I am sitting here in silence. Adelyn is at daycare and I can't bring myself to enjoy it. Some moms might be wondering how in the heck I couldn't make the most of this time because it is so precious...well, to me it's admitting defeat. Adelyn is at daycare because I have a problem. She's not there because I want her to socialize, or because I'm working...it's because I can't handle her on my own. And that's a hard pill to swallow. Having to drop her off at daycare is just another reminder of where I am - and where I don't want to be. I don't WANT to bring her there, I would rather be able to handle her on my own at home. But FACS won't let me do that yet, so here I sit, wracked with guilt and sad because my little girl isn't with me. I guess that's a good thing that I'm sad about it, but it still sucks!
So why don't I get stuff done around the house? Because I'm TRYING to enjoy myself, it's just not working! Ugh, such a viscious cycle I've gotten myself into. Then I have guilt that I didn't do more around the house, and worried that Greg will notice...and on and on it goes. Does nothing good for my psyche I'll tell ya that much.
How do I get passed this? How can I train my brain not to think these thoughts? Well, I've had worse and I've managaed that so there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I need to start thinking back to the 10 unhelpful thinking styles and start analyzing my thought patterns. I KNOW I need to do this, but doing it is another story. I have the literature upstairs, perhaps that's a good use of my time right now?
Right now I am sitting here in silence. Adelyn is at daycare and I can't bring myself to enjoy it. Some moms might be wondering how in the heck I couldn't make the most of this time because it is so precious...well, to me it's admitting defeat. Adelyn is at daycare because I have a problem. She's not there because I want her to socialize, or because I'm working...it's because I can't handle her on my own. And that's a hard pill to swallow. Having to drop her off at daycare is just another reminder of where I am - and where I don't want to be. I don't WANT to bring her there, I would rather be able to handle her on my own at home. But FACS won't let me do that yet, so here I sit, wracked with guilt and sad because my little girl isn't with me. I guess that's a good thing that I'm sad about it, but it still sucks!
So why don't I get stuff done around the house? Because I'm TRYING to enjoy myself, it's just not working! Ugh, such a viscious cycle I've gotten myself into. Then I have guilt that I didn't do more around the house, and worried that Greg will notice...and on and on it goes. Does nothing good for my psyche I'll tell ya that much.
How do I get passed this? How can I train my brain not to think these thoughts? Well, I've had worse and I've managaed that so there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I need to start thinking back to the 10 unhelpful thinking styles and start analyzing my thought patterns. I KNOW I need to do this, but doing it is another story. I have the literature upstairs, perhaps that's a good use of my time right now?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Mommy Guilt
It has been a while since I updated, and I'm sorry for that, things have just been so busy! I had the opportunity to go up north with a wonderful friend and have a "girls weekend", it was great. For the most part, very relaxing.
Other than that I've been dealing with a lot of my guilt symptoms recently, and I can't seem to get past them. I don't know why I can't deal with them, I just can't. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING - about not working, about letting Adelyn watch TV, about letting her cry sometimes. Makes me feel like a bad mother, and goodness knows I don't need anything else that makes me feel like a bad mother!
I feel like everyone is judging me and every move I make. Maybe that's some paranoia on my part, but maybe it's true...? I feel like people are watching me to see if I'll screw up, or how I parent because of "what I've been through". I feel like I'm under a mircoscope and it sucks. Even on this blog I feel like what I write is going to be judged - I think you're judged as a mother no matter what you do. I wrote previously about "bad" things that I did with Adelyn and I feel like the list goes on...like letting her sit in her play yard right now watching Handy Manny while I write on my blog. That makes me feel like a selfish mother because I'm not sitting and playing with her every second of the day. I know that's unrealistic, but I still feel that way :(
Other than my feelings of guilt, my symptoms have been a lot better since quitting work. Staying at home is still going well, and I feel that this is where I need to be. I have three weeks left of Chelsea being here (3 days per week) so I'm trying to make the most of it. After Chelsea leaves we have a student moving in for (potentially) a few years while she attends Niagara College. That should provide me with some companionship (or so I'm hoping). I'm nervous about Chelsea moving out since she has been such an amazing help to me, but I do feel like this is the right time. Also, Adelyn will be going to daycare a few days per week to give me a break. Should be a good set-up.
So I talked to my psychiatrist about having another baby. Crazy, I know. I wanted to know what we were looking at in terms of timelines and medications. She said that I should stay on my meds that I'm on now (on which I'm pretty stable) for at least 6 months...then it will take about 6 months to wean off of all medication (my choice), before we start to try again. That's definitely something I can live with - glad to hear it wasn't 5 years down the road or anything. People might think I'm "crazy" for talking about this so soon, but I just want to make sure that I can successfully try for another baby while keeping in mind the health of the child as well as my mental health. I need to plan this next pregnancy down to a T so it was worth talking to her.
So I think this update is complete! I hope I haven't bored anyone with my ramblings - just wanted to give everyone a catch-up since I've been a little lax at writing lately (I'm sorry). I hope everyone is doing well, and thank-you for reading!!
Other than that I've been dealing with a lot of my guilt symptoms recently, and I can't seem to get past them. I don't know why I can't deal with them, I just can't. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING - about not working, about letting Adelyn watch TV, about letting her cry sometimes. Makes me feel like a bad mother, and goodness knows I don't need anything else that makes me feel like a bad mother!
I feel like everyone is judging me and every move I make. Maybe that's some paranoia on my part, but maybe it's true...? I feel like people are watching me to see if I'll screw up, or how I parent because of "what I've been through". I feel like I'm under a mircoscope and it sucks. Even on this blog I feel like what I write is going to be judged - I think you're judged as a mother no matter what you do. I wrote previously about "bad" things that I did with Adelyn and I feel like the list goes on...like letting her sit in her play yard right now watching Handy Manny while I write on my blog. That makes me feel like a selfish mother because I'm not sitting and playing with her every second of the day. I know that's unrealistic, but I still feel that way :(
Other than my feelings of guilt, my symptoms have been a lot better since quitting work. Staying at home is still going well, and I feel that this is where I need to be. I have three weeks left of Chelsea being here (3 days per week) so I'm trying to make the most of it. After Chelsea leaves we have a student moving in for (potentially) a few years while she attends Niagara College. That should provide me with some companionship (or so I'm hoping). I'm nervous about Chelsea moving out since she has been such an amazing help to me, but I do feel like this is the right time. Also, Adelyn will be going to daycare a few days per week to give me a break. Should be a good set-up.
So I talked to my psychiatrist about having another baby. Crazy, I know. I wanted to know what we were looking at in terms of timelines and medications. She said that I should stay on my meds that I'm on now (on which I'm pretty stable) for at least 6 months...then it will take about 6 months to wean off of all medication (my choice), before we start to try again. That's definitely something I can live with - glad to hear it wasn't 5 years down the road or anything. People might think I'm "crazy" for talking about this so soon, but I just want to make sure that I can successfully try for another baby while keeping in mind the health of the child as well as my mental health. I need to plan this next pregnancy down to a T so it was worth talking to her.
So I think this update is complete! I hope I haven't bored anyone with my ramblings - just wanted to give everyone a catch-up since I've been a little lax at writing lately (I'm sorry). I hope everyone is doing well, and thank-you for reading!!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Life as a SAHM
You wouldn't think it would be that different than when I was working, as I was only working two days a week, but quitting has made a world of a difference in my life. Knowing that I don't have the stress of work to weigh on me means I can devote my whole self to Adelyn and to getting better. I smile more, I laugh spontaneously, I generally feel "well". And this has all happened since Wednesday when I quit work and walked out of that building.
Someone asked me yesterday if I was a stay at home mom - I said "yes" and with some pride. I don't know why I'm proud of this, but I am. Maybe due to the fact that I never thought I would WANT to stay home, and here I am having that desire, maybe that's what I'm proud of? I'm proud that I can take care of my family now, whereas before, when I was in hospital every other week, I could do nothing for them. I'm honoured to be Adelyn's mom and Greg's wife. I have an amazing family and I thank God everyday for them. They have kept me alive when I was in my darkest moments.
I must admit that staying home does have its challenges. I still get very antsy and don't know what to do with Adelyn at times. I can't handle her fussiness very well, and that's something I have to work on since she will inevitably get fussy. I don't like actually staying *at* home, but function much better if I go to the Early Years Centre, to someone's house, to the park. Chelsea helps huge and it's nice to have the companionship. Speaking of Chelsea, she is now going down to just three days per week. She will come Tuesday night and leave Friday afternoon. This is a big step for me - next step is her leaving period. I have great daycare in place for a few half days per week, so that should help eliminate the strain.
I wish I could say that I feel better - free from PPD. I have an overall sense of wellness a lot of the time, but I'm still having relapses where my thoughts become uncontrollable. They are not something that you can just shut off (if anyone is wondering). I'm done feeling guilty about these thoughts because I know I cannot control them. I don't think them on purpose, nor do I choose to dwell on them. My brain just flashes images through my head and I decide to let a thought be just a thought - not a willingness to act, or an intention. Just a thought that comes and goes. I still suffer with moderate anxiety - anxiety over when to put Adelyn to bed, what to feed her, how to feed her, the list goes on. As I'm gaining more confidence my anxiety is reducing so that's a positive sign.
I am still on all my medications: Pristiq, Abilify, Seroquel, lithium, temazepam and Imovane. My doctor is reluctant to reduce any meds because I am currently stable and she credits that mostly to my cocktail of medications. I tend to agree with her, but at the same time don't want to take anything that I don't *have* to. She said that if my anxiety is good once I've quit work, she may reduce the Seroquel, but that's it. And I will go with what she says.
So that's my complete update thus far. I'm recovering but not recovered...one step at a time. I hope to inspire people that are struggling to continue - it does get better. If I can feel better, ANYONE can. And to my friend (you know who you are) - there is hope for you, just as there was hope for me. No place is too dark, no well is too deep that the light can't penetrate it. You CAN feel better you just need to take the first steps. - Love, Me
Someone asked me yesterday if I was a stay at home mom - I said "yes" and with some pride. I don't know why I'm proud of this, but I am. Maybe due to the fact that I never thought I would WANT to stay home, and here I am having that desire, maybe that's what I'm proud of? I'm proud that I can take care of my family now, whereas before, when I was in hospital every other week, I could do nothing for them. I'm honoured to be Adelyn's mom and Greg's wife. I have an amazing family and I thank God everyday for them. They have kept me alive when I was in my darkest moments.
I must admit that staying home does have its challenges. I still get very antsy and don't know what to do with Adelyn at times. I can't handle her fussiness very well, and that's something I have to work on since she will inevitably get fussy. I don't like actually staying *at* home, but function much better if I go to the Early Years Centre, to someone's house, to the park. Chelsea helps huge and it's nice to have the companionship. Speaking of Chelsea, she is now going down to just three days per week. She will come Tuesday night and leave Friday afternoon. This is a big step for me - next step is her leaving period. I have great daycare in place for a few half days per week, so that should help eliminate the strain.
I wish I could say that I feel better - free from PPD. I have an overall sense of wellness a lot of the time, but I'm still having relapses where my thoughts become uncontrollable. They are not something that you can just shut off (if anyone is wondering). I'm done feeling guilty about these thoughts because I know I cannot control them. I don't think them on purpose, nor do I choose to dwell on them. My brain just flashes images through my head and I decide to let a thought be just a thought - not a willingness to act, or an intention. Just a thought that comes and goes. I still suffer with moderate anxiety - anxiety over when to put Adelyn to bed, what to feed her, how to feed her, the list goes on. As I'm gaining more confidence my anxiety is reducing so that's a positive sign.
I am still on all my medications: Pristiq, Abilify, Seroquel, lithium, temazepam and Imovane. My doctor is reluctant to reduce any meds because I am currently stable and she credits that mostly to my cocktail of medications. I tend to agree with her, but at the same time don't want to take anything that I don't *have* to. She said that if my anxiety is good once I've quit work, she may reduce the Seroquel, but that's it. And I will go with what she says.
So that's my complete update thus far. I'm recovering but not recovered...one step at a time. I hope to inspire people that are struggling to continue - it does get better. If I can feel better, ANYONE can. And to my friend (you know who you are) - there is hope for you, just as there was hope for me. No place is too dark, no well is too deep that the light can't penetrate it. You CAN feel better you just need to take the first steps. - Love, Me
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I'm What I Never Thought I'd Be
A stay at home mom. I always said I would work, and work full-time. I never wanted to stay home - I thought I would be too bored. To be honest, I sort of looked down on SAHM's because I thought they were "wasting" their education. I know better now, now that I'm a mom too. I know how HARD it is, there is not doubt about that. I know how it's actually harder to stay at home than go to work (from my experience). I admire SAHM's...and all moms for that matter!
So obviously I quit...things went very smoothly this morning. I went into my assistant boss' office this morning and asked to talk to her, she said sure, is something wrong? I just repeated that I needed to talk to her. I did my exercise class then went back to find her - I started off by asking for a huge favour, for her to sign the form saying that I worked 20 hours instead of 16. Then I told her that this wasn't working out. I tried to explain to her about bad it was - I told her about my thoughts and how dark they were getting because of work.
I told her that it wasn't anything to do with them treating me badly, or the residents, or anything like that. She was very understanding - she said we needed to talk to Ray (the "big" boss). I was very afraid of Ray finding out I couldn't work anymore since he was very hesitant to have me back to work in the first place. Well, I should not have been afraid at all because Ray was wonderful. He allowed me to go home right then and there. He said he would sign the form no problem (and he did). He offered to drive me home because he was worried about me.
Overall it went great, however, now I don't have a job! Financially this is going to be really tight, so please pray for us that we will receive the disability benefit. I will find out in about 2 weeks if I qualify, but then don't get money for another 60 days.
I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders - I'm embracing this SAHM thing and enjoying the thought of spending extra time with Adelyn. I realize that I can always go back to work, and that my career isn't over. I'm looking forward to taking classes in September (Master of Health Studies) and focusing on that. I can honestly say right now that I'm happy. Lets see how long this lasts..
So obviously I quit...things went very smoothly this morning. I went into my assistant boss' office this morning and asked to talk to her, she said sure, is something wrong? I just repeated that I needed to talk to her. I did my exercise class then went back to find her - I started off by asking for a huge favour, for her to sign the form saying that I worked 20 hours instead of 16. Then I told her that this wasn't working out. I tried to explain to her about bad it was - I told her about my thoughts and how dark they were getting because of work.
I told her that it wasn't anything to do with them treating me badly, or the residents, or anything like that. She was very understanding - she said we needed to talk to Ray (the "big" boss). I was very afraid of Ray finding out I couldn't work anymore since he was very hesitant to have me back to work in the first place. Well, I should not have been afraid at all because Ray was wonderful. He allowed me to go home right then and there. He said he would sign the form no problem (and he did). He offered to drive me home because he was worried about me.
Overall it went great, however, now I don't have a job! Financially this is going to be really tight, so please pray for us that we will receive the disability benefit. I will find out in about 2 weeks if I qualify, but then don't get money for another 60 days.
I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders - I'm embracing this SAHM thing and enjoying the thought of spending extra time with Adelyn. I realize that I can always go back to work, and that my career isn't over. I'm looking forward to taking classes in September (Master of Health Studies) and focusing on that. I can honestly say right now that I'm happy. Lets see how long this lasts..
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Is This Really Happening?
In this case I am very glad that this is a private blog. I will still say however, if you know my boss or co-workers (I don't believe any of you do), then please, please keep this to yourself.
Work is not working out. I can't believe this is happening to me after all the other crap I've dealt with. I thought working would be good for me but it aggravates me. I think about driving off a bridge on the way to work...I have Adelyn in the care on the way home and wonder how I could hit on-coming traffic and kill myself but have her survive. I think about slicing my wrists again...that urge to hurt myself has come back and it's so strong. All because of work (or so I believe).
My doctor has recommended that I do not work - at all, period. She wants me to apply for disability so that I can stay home, and she said she would fill out all the paperwork required to state that I am mentally incapable of doing my duties right now. Problem is, I don't qualify for the Ontario Disability Support Program (apparently our income is too high). My next option is my mortgage insurance...they will pay our mortgage for two years while I am "disabled". Great option, however, I need my work to say that I worked 20 hours a week in order to qualify. I work 16. I'm thinking that I could use my vacation hours towards each of the weeks I've worked, so on paper it will appear as I was scheduled 20 hours, but only worked 16 (and took 4 hours vacay each week). I don't know if this will work, but I'm praying that they will allow this (or else I'm in big trouble).
I can't believe this is me right now - I can't believe I'm applying for disability coverage. It just goes to show that you never know how things will turn out. Did I ever think I would be on the receiving end of these benefits? No. I'm a little embarassed I need them, and embarassed that I wouldn't be contributing to our household income. But it comes down to my health, and that's whats most important right now (in my mind anyways). I really have the desire to work, but it's just not possible for me right now, and that's so frustrating. To want something so bad but not be able to do it.
So that's where I'm at - struggling with these dark thoughts and praying that they go away once I no longer have to push myself to work. I'm going to talk to my boss on Wednesday and let them know I can't do this. So, again - if you know anyone connected to my work PLEASE keep quiet until I can get things straightened out. The last thing I need is for my boss to get wind of this before it happens. I will let you all know the outcome after my shift on Wednesday.
Work is not working out. I can't believe this is happening to me after all the other crap I've dealt with. I thought working would be good for me but it aggravates me. I think about driving off a bridge on the way to work...I have Adelyn in the care on the way home and wonder how I could hit on-coming traffic and kill myself but have her survive. I think about slicing my wrists again...that urge to hurt myself has come back and it's so strong. All because of work (or so I believe).
My doctor has recommended that I do not work - at all, period. She wants me to apply for disability so that I can stay home, and she said she would fill out all the paperwork required to state that I am mentally incapable of doing my duties right now. Problem is, I don't qualify for the Ontario Disability Support Program (apparently our income is too high). My next option is my mortgage insurance...they will pay our mortgage for two years while I am "disabled". Great option, however, I need my work to say that I worked 20 hours a week in order to qualify. I work 16. I'm thinking that I could use my vacation hours towards each of the weeks I've worked, so on paper it will appear as I was scheduled 20 hours, but only worked 16 (and took 4 hours vacay each week). I don't know if this will work, but I'm praying that they will allow this (or else I'm in big trouble).
I can't believe this is me right now - I can't believe I'm applying for disability coverage. It just goes to show that you never know how things will turn out. Did I ever think I would be on the receiving end of these benefits? No. I'm a little embarassed I need them, and embarassed that I wouldn't be contributing to our household income. But it comes down to my health, and that's whats most important right now (in my mind anyways). I really have the desire to work, but it's just not possible for me right now, and that's so frustrating. To want something so bad but not be able to do it.
So that's where I'm at - struggling with these dark thoughts and praying that they go away once I no longer have to push myself to work. I'm going to talk to my boss on Wednesday and let them know I can't do this. So, again - if you know anyone connected to my work PLEASE keep quiet until I can get things straightened out. The last thing I need is for my boss to get wind of this before it happens. I will let you all know the outcome after my shift on Wednesday.
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