The Realm of 7 to 8

I rate my days everyday. From 1 to 10. And I tend to live in the realm of 7 to 8 - an inbetween land that ranges from rocky to smooth from complicated to carefree. I'm riding the roller coaster most days, riding from 7 to 7.5 to 8, then down. I never know where I'll end up until the end of the day when I officially put down my rating on paper.

Lately I've been really riding the wave of emotions - earlier this week I felt great, on top of the world. I remembered what it was like to feel joy. I remembered what it was like for life to feel easy. Oh how I wanted to stay there sooo bad. But, as I figured, I started the descent back down to 7. Now today I woke up thinking "I don't want to do what I have to today, I don't want to get out of bed". I hate that feeling, it's so depressing. Of course I managed to get out of bed, and I've been dealing with my day appropriately, however, it's hard when your heart is not in it.

Sometimes it really makes me angry - why can't I stay at an 8?? Why can't I just be HAPPY?! Heaven-forbid I actually feel capable and confident for more than one day at a time. But I guess that is the moral of the story - one day at a time. Take the 7's as they come, and enjoy the 8's when they show up. So easy to say, very hard to do. I'm grasping for 8's everyday.

I wish I knew why I have these fluctuations, and why somedays I wake up so blue. The past few days Adelyn has been cranky because she's sick, so I know that has something to do with my moods. My anxiety is under control (seemingly), it's just my mood that is very down when Adelyn is cranky. Adelyn spent at least 50% of her morning today crying so today is not off to a good start. I'm just trying to remind myself that she is sick and that it's not my fault. I tend to take the crying personally.

To add to the roller coaster, Chelsea only has one week (plus up north) left. I will only have the help at home for one.more.week. She has been here since February, so it's been a long time. I don't really know how I'll function without Chelsea, she has been so great for me and Adelyn alike. The only solace I have is knowing that Adelyn will be going to daycare three half-days per week...which only makes me feel better in one sense because I know I'll get a break, but it hurts me in another knowing that I have to take Adelyn out of the house and be away from her. At least when Chelsea is here I can be WITH Adelyn at the same time. Totally different set-up. But for right now I don't have a choice, so I will have to ride it out and pray that I'll be able to get, what I like to call, "full custody" of Adelyn one day.