Is This Really Happening?

In this case I am very glad that this is a private blog. I will still say however, if you know my boss or co-workers (I don't believe any of you do), then please, please keep this to yourself.

Work is not working out. I can't believe this is happening to me after all the other crap I've dealt with. I thought working would be good for me but it aggravates me. I think about driving off a bridge on the way to work...I have Adelyn in the care on the way home and wonder how I could hit on-coming traffic and kill myself but have her survive. I think about slicing my wrists again...that urge to hurt myself has come back and it's so strong. All because of work (or so I believe).

My doctor has recommended that I do not work - at all, period. She wants me to apply for disability so that I can stay home, and she said she would fill out all the paperwork required to state that I am mentally incapable of doing my duties right now. Problem is, I don't qualify for the Ontario Disability Support Program (apparently our income is too high). My next option is my mortgage insurance...they will pay our mortgage for two years while I am "disabled". Great option, however, I need my work to say that I worked 20 hours a week in order to qualify. I work 16. I'm thinking that I could use my vacation hours towards each of the weeks I've worked, so on paper it will appear as I was scheduled 20 hours, but only worked 16 (and took 4 hours vacay each week). I don't know if this will work, but I'm praying that they will allow this (or else I'm in big trouble).

I can't believe this is me right now - I can't believe I'm applying for disability coverage. It just goes to show that you never know how things will turn out. Did I ever think I would be on the receiving end of these benefits? No. I'm a little embarassed I need them, and embarassed that I wouldn't be contributing to our household income. But it comes down to my health, and that's whats most important right now (in my mind anyways). I really have the desire to work, but it's just not possible for me right now, and that's so frustrating. To want something so bad but not be able to do it.

So that's where I'm at - struggling with these dark thoughts and praying that they go away once I no longer have to push myself to work. I'm going to talk to my boss on Wednesday and let them know I can't do this. So, again - if you know anyone connected to my work PLEASE keep quiet until I can get things straightened out. The last thing I need is for my boss to get wind of this before it happens. I will let you all know the outcome after my shift on Wednesday.