It has been a while since I updated, and I'm sorry for that, things have just been so busy! I had the opportunity to go up north with a wonderful friend and have a "girls weekend", it was great. For the most part, very relaxing.
Other than that I've been dealing with a lot of my guilt symptoms recently, and I can't seem to get past them. I don't know why I can't deal with them, I just can't. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING - about not working, about letting Adelyn watch TV, about letting her cry sometimes. Makes me feel like a bad mother, and goodness knows I don't need anything else that makes me feel like a bad mother!
I feel like everyone is judging me and every move I make. Maybe that's some paranoia on my part, but maybe it's true...? I feel like people are watching me to see if I'll screw up, or how I parent because of "what I've been through". I feel like I'm under a mircoscope and it sucks. Even on this blog I feel like what I write is going to be judged - I think you're judged as a mother no matter what you do. I wrote previously about "bad" things that I did with Adelyn and I feel like the list goes on...like letting her sit in her play yard right now watching Handy Manny while I write on my blog. That makes me feel like a selfish mother because I'm not sitting and playing with her every second of the day. I know that's unrealistic, but I still feel that way :(
Other than my feelings of guilt, my symptoms have been a lot better since quitting work. Staying at home is still going well, and I feel that this is where I need to be. I have three weeks left of Chelsea being here (3 days per week) so I'm trying to make the most of it. After Chelsea leaves we have a student moving in for (potentially) a few years while she attends Niagara College. That should provide me with some companionship (or so I'm hoping). I'm nervous about Chelsea moving out since she has been such an amazing help to me, but I do feel like this is the right time. Also, Adelyn will be going to daycare a few days per week to give me a break. Should be a good set-up.
So I talked to my psychiatrist about having another baby. Crazy, I know. I wanted to know what we were looking at in terms of timelines and medications. She said that I should stay on my meds that I'm on now (on which I'm pretty stable) for at least 6 months...then it will take about 6 months to wean off of all medication (my choice), before we start to try again. That's definitely something I can live with - glad to hear it wasn't 5 years down the road or anything. People might think I'm "crazy" for talking about this so soon, but I just want to make sure that I can successfully try for another baby while keeping in mind the health of the child as well as my mental health. I need to plan this next pregnancy down to a T so it was worth talking to her.
So I think this update is complete! I hope I haven't bored anyone with my ramblings - just wanted to give everyone a catch-up since I've been a little lax at writing lately (I'm sorry). I hope everyone is doing well, and thank-you for reading!!
We ALL have mommy guilt. I have a lot of it because I "expect" Matthew to entertain himself and then get upset when he comes to bug me and ends up biting me or pulling my hair. And then I feel really guilty. My house is always a horrible mess, I don't do the dishes right away, or even the next day sometimes, I lose my cool way too often, the list goes on. I do however think it's a GOOD sign that you're thinking about when you're going to have another child. Not too long ago you didn't think you'd EVER be able to have another child. Thinking about the possibility in itself is a great sign that you are doing so much better. Keep up the good work mama!
ReplyDeleteDarling, use this blog as a way to vent or express your feelings. Don't ever feel obligated or feel guilty for not writing...we LOVE reading your blogs but I can't speak for everyone, but I'm thrilled that you're busy with living your life. We will always be here to read your thoughts but as long as you are doing well and taking care of yourself, don't feel bad. We'll be here whenever you feel compelled to write. Love you!
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