So I was denied my application for disability through my mortgage because I applied while I was on maternity leave (therefore not technically eligible). That sucks. Big time. We were sort of banking on me getting that and now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Some severe budgeting is in order I suspect. I still have my disability application into the government (CPP) but I won't find out about that for another 4 (yes you read that right) months. Way to help people when they need it. Sigh. Well at least I have a shot at that one, fingers crossed.
Right now I am sitting here in silence. Adelyn is at daycare and I can't bring myself to enjoy it. Some moms might be wondering how in the heck I couldn't make the most of this time because it is so precious...well, to me it's admitting defeat. Adelyn is at daycare because I have a problem. She's not there because I want her to socialize, or because I'm working...it's because I can't handle her on my own. And that's a hard pill to swallow. Having to drop her off at daycare is just another reminder of where I am - and where I don't want to be. I don't WANT to bring her there, I would rather be able to handle her on my own at home. But FACS won't let me do that yet, so here I sit, wracked with guilt and sad because my little girl isn't with me. I guess that's a good thing that I'm sad about it, but it still sucks!
So why don't I get stuff done around the house? Because I'm TRYING to enjoy myself, it's just not working! Ugh, such a viscious cycle I've gotten myself into. Then I have guilt that I didn't do more around the house, and worried that Greg will notice...and on and on it goes. Does nothing good for my psyche I'll tell ya that much.
How do I get passed this? How can I train my brain not to think these thoughts? Well, I've had worse and I've managaed that so there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I need to start thinking back to the 10 unhelpful thinking styles and start analyzing my thought patterns. I KNOW I need to do this, but doing it is another story. I have the literature upstairs, perhaps that's a good use of my time right now?
oooh Mama!! Go grab a trashy romance novel, some starbucks and sit in the park! Enjoy the sunshine - and it'll help with your mood as well.
ReplyDeleteTry to plan activities for yourself, be it a hard workout, a run along a trail, a trip into Niagara on the Lake, or a massage or pedicure.
It does wonders...and it used to take me a long time to enjoy a day off, heck even a night off! I'd go to starbucks and be bbming Colin the entire time, and just wanting to come home. Now i've realized that that time is essential in how i felt about myself as a mom.