Life as a SAHM

You wouldn't think it would be that different than when I was working, as I was only working two days a week, but quitting has made a world of a difference in my life. Knowing that I don't have the stress of work to weigh on me means I can devote my whole self to Adelyn and to getting better. I smile more, I laugh spontaneously, I generally feel "well". And this has all happened since Wednesday when I quit work and walked out of that building.

Someone asked me yesterday if I was a stay at home mom - I said "yes" and with some pride. I don't know why I'm proud of this, but I am. Maybe due to the fact that I never thought I would WANT to stay home, and here I am having that desire, maybe that's what I'm proud of? I'm proud that I can take care of my family now, whereas before, when I was in hospital every other week, I could do nothing for them. I'm honoured to be Adelyn's mom and Greg's wife. I have an amazing family and I thank God everyday for them. They have kept me alive when I was in my darkest moments.

I must admit that staying home does have its challenges. I still get very antsy and don't know what to do with Adelyn at times. I can't handle her fussiness very well, and that's something I have to work on since she will inevitably get fussy. I don't like actually staying *at* home, but function much better if I go to the Early Years Centre, to someone's house, to the park. Chelsea helps huge and it's nice to have the companionship. Speaking of Chelsea, she is now going down to just three days per week. She will come Tuesday night and leave Friday afternoon. This is a big step for me - next step is her leaving period. I have great daycare in place for a few half days per week, so that should help eliminate the strain.

I wish I could say that I feel better - free from PPD. I have an overall sense of wellness a lot of the time, but I'm still having relapses where my thoughts become uncontrollable. They are not something that you can just shut off (if anyone is wondering). I'm done feeling guilty about these thoughts because I know I cannot control them. I don't think them on purpose, nor do I choose to dwell on them. My brain just flashes images through my head and I decide to let a thought be just a thought - not a willingness to act, or an intention. Just a thought that comes and goes. I still suffer with moderate anxiety - anxiety over when to put Adelyn to bed, what to feed her, how to feed her, the list goes on. As I'm gaining more confidence my anxiety is reducing so that's a positive sign.

I am still on all my medications: Pristiq, Abilify, Seroquel, lithium, temazepam and Imovane. My doctor is reluctant to reduce any meds because I am currently stable and she credits that mostly to my cocktail of medications. I tend to agree with her, but at the same time don't want to take anything that I don't *have* to. She said that if my anxiety is good once I've quit work, she may reduce the Seroquel, but that's it. And I will go with what she says.

So that's my complete update thus far. I'm recovering but not recovered...one step at a time. I hope to inspire people that are struggling to continue - it does get better. If I can feel better, ANYONE can. And to my friend (you know who you are) - there is hope for you, just as there was hope for me. No place is too dark, no well is too deep that the light can't penetrate it. You CAN feel better you just need to take the first steps. - Love, Me