The Next Step

I'm sorry for not updating recently! We were on vacation on my blogging just fell by the wayside. Now I just need to jam-pack this post with all the updates as to what I've been doing!

First of all, I have been doing (I think) pretty well - I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety but that is nothing new for me. I have a lot of anxiety over what to do with Adelyn, but more specifically I worry about what if I don't WANT to do something for her that she needs? I wonder what will happen if she cries and I don't feel like tending to her. I wonder what will happen when she wants someone to play with her and I don't feel up to it. It's not just myself anymore, and sometimes I resent this little person that I need to take care of, no matter how I'm feeling. I think that is a bit of a revelation for me...that I have anxiety over not wanting to do this, as opposed to having anxiety over knowing what to do. Does that make sense?

I'm also struggling with (something similar) lack of motivation. I don't know if it is the depression or the medication, but something is making me, in my own words, lazy. There are days when I don't feel like doing anything - like today, I have all day Adelyn-free and I can't bring myself to get my butt off this chair. I know there is housework to do but I can't seem to inspire myself to get anything done. The motivation I do have is a LOT better than before...I remember a few months ago I would have to physically lay down after even a few minutes of housework and would lay there for half an hour before I could get up again. So I guess in comparison I'm doing much much better than that.

So what's been going on in my daily life? We just got back from our trip up north which was much anticipated (and anxiety-producing). I'm so happy to say that everything went great - I had Chelsea to help me (and Greg of course) and I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself. I found it relaxing, which was surprising to me because I find it hard to relax at the best of times. I don't know if I could have made the trip without Chelsea (and the mental break this allowed me to have), but at least we made it and it was a success for all!

Speaking of Chelsea, this brings me to the point of this post. Chelsea left this morning and I'm finding myself to be very mixed about this next step. Chelsea has been our life line in these past 6 months, and has brought us through some of our worst times. We have relied on her and she hasn't let us down. I know I was weaning off of her (she was down to three days per week), but having her move out is a big blow to us and our family. Chelsea IS part of our family and we're all (Adelyn included) sad to see her go.

So now what? Adelyn will go to daycare three half days per week and I will have her full time on Tuesday and Thursday. I'm just hoping that things will work themselves out and that I will be able to use the skills that I've learned in the last few months to make this work. I will try my hardest to get out of the house (if you're reading this - I could use some playdates!!) and not to let myself spiral downhill because we're cooped up and cranky. I feel like I'm just doing this on prayers and only faith can truly get me through. That being said, I do have the student, Angela, moving in next week, but she isn't here to take care of Adelyn (and I have to get that through my head). I don't really know what else to say about this situation - if you all could just send up some prayers that I don't crash and burn, I would appreciate it.

In other news...I have applied to the General to volunteer on the Norris Wing, and I'm really excited about that. I don't know what their rules are for volunteering and the fact that I was in the hopsital I few months ago (I believe it's three months but I'm not sure). I'm hoping that I meet the criteria because I'm really passionate about mental health and I think this would be great for my recovery. Similarly, I am volunteering to talk at some pre-natal classes about my journey and the warning signs, etc. of PPD. I'm really looking forward to this outlet and being connected to some people that might possibly be looking for some support after their little ones are born.

What's happening on the medication front? I am still on the same cocktail - Abililfy, Pristiq, Lithium, Seroquel, temazepam and Imovane, but I am going to ask that my lithium be reduced at my appt on Wednesday. I find that I am way too flat and emotionless. I am on a dosage that controls mania (which I am not manic), so it brings me down too many pegs. I hope that messing with my meds is okay right now, but I guess we won't know until we try!

Well, there is it, the full update....I will try to post a bit more regularly now that I'm back home.