Wicked Withdrawal

So in my previous post I mentioned that I was feeling "let down" by the Concerta, and that I didn't feel like it was working anymore. Well, things just went downhill from there, day by day. On Monday night I started feeling very "off"...all of a sudden the violent thoughts came back. I had urges to smother Adelyn, or visions of her being cut by a knife. I couldn't take her crying; it would bring on more violent thoughts. I wanted to cut myself...I had so much inner agitation that I couldn't sleep.

My thoughts were racing a million miles per minute and I couldn't slow them down, I knew something was going seriously wrong. I did a little research and found out that stopping Abilify cold turkey (like I did) can cause a rapid return of psychotic and depressive symptoms. It also said that it takes a week to two weeks for Abilify to leave your system...so it was just on its way out for me. It just made sense - I was experiencing withdrawal from the Abilify (not that the Concerta had stopped working).

I was desperate to get more meds...I couldn't leave this alone or I was going to hurt myself or someone else. I felt out of control. Unfortunately my doctor was away on vacation so this left me with few options. I considered going to my family doctor, but realized that he would probably just send me to the emerg anyways. So, I took myself to the ER.

I'm used to the process of getting to see the psychiatrist on call...go to triage, wait for crisis nurse, wait for ER doctor, wait for psychiatrist. So I had to tell my story 4 times over. I told them I had thoughts of hurting myself and Adelyn..that they were intrusive and I couldn't stop them. Well, apparently this was reason enough to admit me, so that's what the ER doctor did. He put me on a Form 1, stating that I could not leave. I was so scared- I couldn't go into the hospital AGAIN. I just couldn't.

Luckily I knew the psychiatrist on call (and he was familiar with me and my thought patterns), and he reversed the Form 1 and let me leave with a prescription for Abilify. He was surprised my doctor would take me off an antipsychotic cold turkey...if only we had known this would happen :(

So now I have had two doses of Abilify, and I'm still clearly in withdrawal mode. I am detached and despondent. I don't want to do ANYTHING...I'm extremely lazy. I'm finding it hard to function like a normal human being. I'm praying that by taking the Abilify that I will feel like I did when I first started taking Concerta - happy and enjoying life. It was such a tease, feeling good for those few days. So cruel, when I think about it.

Yet another bump in the road.