A Beautiful Letdown

I feel like I ride this medication rollercoaster all the time. I start a new med and it's great, great, great for a few weeks, then it seems to peter out. I'm a little afraid that that is what is happening to me on Concerta. I have cut down my coffee to one per day, so maybe that has something to do with it.

In the morning I wake up happy- I sing in the bathroom, I sing to Adelyn when I go into her room, I literally float around the house. I drink my coffee shortly after, then I have an hour, maybe two, where I feel great. Then it all seems to dissipate from there...I don't know if it's because the caffeine causes me to crash, or because the Concerta is wearing off earlier than it should (it is SUPPOSED to last 12 hours). My preference would be to continue drinking coffee throughout the day, but I promised Dr. Asti I would try to cut down.

I'm really having a hard time trying to decipher what is causing me to feel "down" (nothing compared to where I have been, mind you). I feel like maybe because the high I feel in the morning is so drastic, that in the afternoon I feel like what I am feeling is "depressed"...? It's all in comparison. I want so badly to feel that high all day, that when it disappears I feel very letdown. A non-stop rollercoaster of emotions.

And alas I continue the pursuit of normalcy, whatever that is. Am I "normal" the rest of the day, or am I depressed? I don't know anymore because I don't trust my own assessment of my feelings. It's a very frustrating place to be,to not know if I'm normal Amanda or medicated Amanda. How can I be normal Amanda when I'm drugged to the hills? I take drugs to wake up, and I take drugs to sleep. I take drugs to slow me down, I take drugs to speed me up. I take drugs to stop my thoughts, I take drugs to make them race. Where is there possibly room for normal Amanda in there??

I hope one day, I can find myself again. I know I'm buried in here somewhere...